Need some communication advice.

[Err99]

So I have a small group of friends who get together to play games and just enjoy the evening on Fridays. One of my friends who I've been friends with since middle school, has aspergers and is causing myself and others to get rather stressed out with different social "missteps".

Now I'm as patient as I can be as I've known him forever and understand how he is. But he tends to cause a lot of problems with his near constant desire to press everyone into his current fixation of tabletop roleplay (Dungeons and Dragons, ect.) While everyone in the group enjoys the activity, his constant unsubtle attempt to herd us to sit down and play his game have been causing upset.

We did sit down with him and explain how he was affecting us, and how we were being driven away from the game style entirely. And how I was feeling when he was disregarding anyone else's personal desire to play other games. (He was very dismissive and resistant to anything I or anyone else brought up to play if it wasn't what he believed "Roleplay" is)


But now the problem is he's gone from being fixated on his own interest and pushing us into it, to a form of guilt tripping by talking about how much work he put into "X"-part of the campaign or the revamped battle system, (sadly it seemed more like none) and if we say anything that signals anything other than total interest, he begins to go into an "off" mood or begins to "bargain" in a way to fix the issue which can wind up souring the enjoyment of the night.

Past that, a major source of emotion discord, is he has sadly become very emotionally needy if we are irritated and repeatedly goes on about why he's sorry, how he feels like it's all his fault, and how he feels he's alienating all of his friends. (20 times ad nauseum)
Which winds up being far more upsetting and anger inducing than if he would stop dwelling on it the first time we assured him we are only irritated and friends can get irritated without a major rift being created. (One friend has a brother who also has the diagnosis but is far more so in the symptoms and he's having serious issues with not getting angry and storming off when he can't say anything about how he's being made to feel without feeling like he's being a bully to our emotionally fragile friend)



With the long backstop / rant over, can ANYONE give me insight, tips, or ANYTHING to go on, as to how I can approach this emotional powder keg of a game night, so that everyone will be able to get along?

I don't want to tell my friend that he shouldnt come over on game nights anymore, I don't want to discontinue game nights either. But I'm also a bit... emotionally compromised and wind up depressed the next day if there's major problems with my friends during the night.

Can anyone help me figure out how to talk about thsee problems and get them solved without creating some new form of emotional fragility to deal with?

 

[Suzanne]

When obsessed it seems that our very essense is surrounded by this obsession and it is constantly burning on the tongue to talk about it. My last serious obsession, was about ebola and it caused me intense anguish, because I could not think of anything else, but also had to deal with a lot of horror stories. It lasted 2 week's and somehow I am able to stave off any potention obsession now but this is because of recognition.

It might be a good idea to not invite him along, whilst this obsession is in full swing.

As for his apparent neediness, this is because he cannot read your expressions; it is like closing your eyes and using your hands to determine a person's features, accept you do not have hands! It is a horribly disconcerting feeling. So it is best to show by action that you are not offended. Because if just by words, he does not see your face, so to speak and thus, not convinced.

The thing is that just like you have to deal with him, he also has to deal with you. Aspies starve for friendship and so, tend to grab when it comes their way.

Also, depending on your age groups, he obviously has not got the ability to control his personality traits and thus, it is best to leave him be or even invite him when it is just the two of you.

 

[jamhd]

This may sound cavalier, but you and your other friends could just accept it.

Just as you explained the collective perspective from your end and want him to accept it, he just wants the same. However, he will always be an eternal minority in scenarios like this. Just decide if his friendship and character are more of a priority than discomfort that you can transcend because you can understand the what and the why.

There are other things in life to feel bad about.

 

[Tom]

That's a tough one honestly & I do respect you and your friends trying to keep him in rather them push him away. HFA is a difficult thing to 'decode' sometimes, as far as what is the autistic condition and not the guys fault and what are his own bad choices and/or immaturity. It might be useful to think of him as being on a much longer growing curve then you. While a NT might mature in late teens or early 20's... well ok sometimes later 20's, an Aspie's development can be much slower. Its can be hard to see however as in some things they are quite advanced, and you think they should understand, should get it.

You are dealing with something even 'experts' can find very challenging. One basic method is to provide the instruction, and then reward good behavior and have natural consequences for bad behavior. You don't want to give in and let them have their own way just to keep things more peaceful. That just reinforces the bad behavior.

Setting up predictable schedules and compromises may help. Something like each person gets to pick the game in turn. You might have to add specific conditions targeting his behavior, like he can't be distracting/disruptive and talk about his game when you are playing another. Explain the rules and logic behind it if necessary and then stick to it no matter what. If he won't go along, breaks the rules, you might have to do something like exclude him from one friday. You have to get accross he is not in charge and won't run the show (which he may do to fit his own comfort level/obsession), but that the event is fair and he does have his say to an extent. Then its up to him to play by the rules. Whether he can participate or not is up to him and it takes it off your shoulders to an extent.

Being in communication with his parent(s) on the issues and the planned course of action is desirable/useful at the expert level, as then everyones on the same page and can reinforce each other. I am not sure if this is practical or appropriate at the friend level. Its just something to consider.

 

[Mia]

You could try devoting one 'game night' a month to D & D, and make it clear that its 'one' only, and that you want to play other games on the the other game nights. Your friend might understand.

 

[Judge]

It's good that you seem to understand this in terms of his traits and behaviors relative to his autism.

However you also have to understand that many traits and behaviors, at whatever "amplitude" may or may not be within our control to regulate to any particular degree.

People in my immediate orbit seeking to subdue my enthusiasm for special interests is as common as dirt for me. And utterly crushing to me. Usually either prompting me to withdraw and/or say little or nothing. I have limited control over this. This isn't about attitude adjustment. So many of our traits and behaviors are "hard-wired" in a neurological sense. A dynamic often difficult to explain to Neurotypicals.

I can only be honest and blunt here. I suspect it will eventually end badly for him. It usually does for me in this context.

 

[tree]

Err99

Is he more interested in playing the particular game?
Or pressing the rest of you into playing the game with him, because
he is already friends with you?

Would it matter who he played the game with?
Is he at all interested in getting into a group of people
who actually want to play D&D, for instance?

 

[paloftoon]

If you want to involve his parents, it might be worth asking him 1-1 if he would want that or not first. Maybe what you have said here Err99, state in a letter or an e-mail and tell him that he might have to be banned for a Friday and that these could multiply if his behavior becomes a big problem. I wouldn't ban him permanently, but maybe like 1 Friday for incident #1, 2 Fridays if he acts up again, 4 Fridays for incident #3, 4 Fridays, 4 Fridays, etc. Talk with the others in the group to see what kind of manner they want to approach this situation from here on out.