Needing some help. Please reply.

[AGXStarseed]

At Christmastime, my workplace goes to a restaurant we book earlier in the year for a Christmas meal.
However, it's not just me and my colleagues, but also our board members that come along to it. Furthermore, it's a different place we go to every year.

However, for me it proves to be stressful as I have to 'put on an act' for ages and it leaves me both physically and mentally drained as well as my anxiety going through the roof about whether I'm doing everything 'correctly' in a social manner.
The first time I went to one of these Christmas meals was when I first joined my workplace and so it was a way for me to be introduced to everyone, while the second one I ended up going to as I felt one of my senior colleagues was trying to force me to (with both the food and service been atrocious).
This year, I'm again thinking about whether I should go or not.

What I want to know is does anyone have any tips to make this less stressful and exhausting?
We'll be going to a pub for our Christmas meal and if I really can't cope, the only thing I can do is take the second half of the day off as holiday.
(That's pretty much the choice I've been given: go to the Christmas meal or take half the day off as annual leave).

Any help would be great. Thank you.

 

[Datura]

So, not going to the party will cost you vacation time? That is completely unfair. Were it not for that fact I would fully advise you to skip the party as you obviously would not enjoy yourself.

I'm not sure if I have any usefull advice, but I will try. In group situations I usually try to engage one person in conversation at a time as this is easier to handle than a large group conversation. It helps if this person is somebody you like and you share some common intersts.

I would also reccomend taking part in games (pool, darts) if at all possible. I find this gives me something to focus on while still technically interacting with other people.

 

[Spiller]

Look for your escape routes - if possible, go to the place beforehand and check it out so you're not trying to find them when you're overwhelmed and anxious.

I often hide in the bathroom for a bit or go outside for some air when I need some quiet time.

A mental trick I practice is making an effort to not think of what could be difficult, instead focus on how much I might enjoy that situation.

Do you get to take a partner or go with a friend from work? Someone you can focus on or hide behind?

 

[garnetflower13]

I would simply take the half vacation day, or even though I don't like lying, start mentioning feeling ill the day before. That way you can not show up. I used to be forced to attend ghastly work functions where I only wanted to hide in a corner and meltdown. Once the company sent all the staff to an interactive theater dinner, where the actors would suddenly pounce on someone in the audience and say something, putting that person in the spotlight for about five minutes. It was awful!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Some of the common tricks around the forum are things like:
- Step outside for a "smoke break".
- Take a long bathroom break.
- Keep your conversational partners to a minimum.

And I'd like to add:
- Pretend to be ill partway through from "something you ate" and go home early so you don't lose vacation time.

 

[Etzelaire]

Just don't go, I really fear being stressed so I avoid it. The comfortable zone is so comfortable, there's no need to get out of it.

 

[Stik]

When I have to do something I don't want I try to focus on what I'm going to do after the event. Whether that be go out and do something or just stay home and watch tv. I think of it as a treat or reward for going through something really uncomfortable. I also tell myself that it will make other people happy and I won't have to worry about people asking me why I didn't go, sometimes that feels worse to me.

 

[On the Inside]

I second the suggestion to play games, like darts or billiards, if available, or hang out around some interesting feature, say a fireplace. I went to a memorial service that was held in the town pub and I spent most of the time playing darts with whoever would join me. I actually had fun meeting people that way, as I didn't really know more than a couple of people there. A beer or two helped.

It is pretty hard to do, though. I guess I grew up with an extended family that I was comfortable being around and that was most of my big social gathering experience until I was an adult and going to workplace dinners/parties. I didn't know how difficult they could be. Thankfully, my employer does not have any such functions.

 

[AGXStarseed]

So, not going to the party will cost you vacation time? That is completely unfair. Were it not for that fact I would fully advise you to skip the party as you obviously would not enjoy yourself.

I'm not sure if I have any usefull advice, but I will try. In group situations I usually try to engage one person in conversation at a time as this is easier to handle than a large group conversation. It helps if this person is somebody you like and you share some common intersts.

I would also reccomend taking part in games (pool, darts) if at all possible. I find this gives me something to focus on while still technically interacting with other people.

I second the suggestion to play games, like darts or billiards, if available, or hang out around some interesting feature, say a fireplace. I went to a memorial service that was held in the town pub and I spent most of the time playing darts with whoever would join me. I actually had fun meeting people that way, as I didn't really know more than a couple of people there. A beer or two helped.

It is pretty hard to do, though. I guess I grew up with an extended family that I was comfortable being around and that was most of my big social gathering experience until I was an adult and going to workplace dinners/parties. I didn't know how difficult they could be. Thankfully, my employer does not have any such functions.

Agreed with you on the fact that it's unfair I have to use my vacation time. Mind you, when I was talking to my senior colleague about this, he openly said that if someone had refused to go simply out of the fact that they "don't like Christmas", they would still be required to go anyway and would lose their pay for the day if they didn't turn up.

When we have these Christmas meals, we all come in as a group and sit around one table; at which point everyone is talking to each other at once. As such, one-on-one conversations are pointless as you can barely hear the person you're talking to over everyone else. Add the sounds of other people talking in the background, music playing, staff members shouting, etc and all you get is an ocean of noise. The past two times I've been to these things, I've ended up leaving with a headache that feels like someone hitting the inside of my head with a hammer.

Sadly the darts and billiards/snooker option won't be available, as when we have the meals it's the expectation that we all sit together, have our starter, have our main, have our dessert, chat about stuff work related and otherwise and then leave. The only time people leave the group at any point inbetween arriving and departing is to go to the toilets or go outside for a smoke. As such, I can't really leave the group to go do anything else or stay away for ages.

• If I start playing a game with someone, eventually a staff member will probably come looking for me and I'll most likely get a stern lecture the next day (and I get enough lectures off my dad).
• If I stay in the toilets for too long to try and take a break, I'll again have people wondering where I am - which will likely cause problems.
• Going outside to get some fresh air is again going to be an issue, as anyone who smokes will be outside and me and cigarette smoke are not a good combination if I want to avoid coughing my guts up.

From the looks of the responses on here and looking at all my options, staying away seems to be the best alternative. I know my senior has tried to guilt-trip me by saying "It's only once a year" and "everyone else will miss you", but it's not worth it.

 

[DC1346]

However, for me it proves to be stressful as I have to 'put on an act' for ages and it leaves me both physically and mentally drained as well as my anxiety going through the roof about whether I'm doing everything 'correctly' in a social manner.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If so, are you on medication? Medication could help with your anxiety. I was on medication several years ago. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and fatigue but surprisingly enough, not Asperger's. That diagnosis came later. I was put on Zoloft because I was in a very stressful work environment and was having problems coping. The Zoloft made me feel as though I was cocooned in a an invisible warm and fuzzy blanket. Nothing bothered me. It was great. I stayed on this prescription until the school year ended and then I quit my job and left the field of elementary education. Since I no longer had to deal with a stressful job, I went off Zoloft. I sometimes miss it.

As to coping, I have found that I am much better at social events if I have an assigned function. I can cater the events. I can be a guest speaker. Having a function gives me a purpose for being at the event and makes everything else (such as socializing) a distraction that I block out because it's not germane to my assigned mission.

Since this is a Christmas party, how would you feel about volunteering to organize a secret Santa exchange? Perhaps you could be on the decorating committee. It's just a thought.

If you have a colleague you're friendly with, hang out with that person. Use your friend as a social buffer.