Neurodiverse Friendships

[AutistAcolyte]

i've been working for a couple months now with my roommate to try to "figure out" neurodiversity in friendships, and i'm finding out i was not as good at camouflage and making as i thought. i just found out 2 things:

1. that among allistics (if you haven't heard it, this is a helpful term i recently found which essentially just means "not autistic") it is considered taboo to speculate about other people's neurotype, but several of the people i know have talked with one another wondering if i was on the spectrum (surprise!)

2. two people explicitly, both my roommate and another friend, but implicitly others as well, have felt that i am not close in the way allistics understand "being close," a reason being that i dont check in with people regularly.

as i'd imagine most of you also feel, it isn't because i don't care, i just didn't know that's something people did. i'm just now finding out that apparently other people are talking to one another regularly, and even enjoy it! this puts me in the difficult position of figuring out a) how to tell the people i feel close to that i'm autistic, b) working on figuring out how to plan time into my routine to help my friends understand i care about them (and how much time i can set aside without eating into the time i need to keep for myself).

my initial reaction, especially since i'm working on trying to mask less, is that this feels like masking. i don't want to make people uncomfortable, but i would love for people to understand that i am "built different," and don't like the idea of having to add checking in with everyone all the time into my regular routines.

any helpful experiences with neurodiverse friendships and coming to understanding? my roommate tells me these months have been hard for him, and i want to help if i can, but now thati've found out why i used to get so exhausted, i'm absolutely tired of pretending i'm not autistic to make other people feel better about me.

edit: it's also discouraging to think that checking in with people is just one thing, and i'm sure there are a number of other things i do/dont do that weird people out. how much can i just say "deal with it"?

 

[Raggamuffin]

Checking in on people works both ways. I'd argue I check in with friends more than they ever check in with me, and it adds fatigue and a sense of futility to certain friendships if I'm being honest.

As for it being taboo to speculate about other people's neurotype - I have done this, and I'm not sure it's that taboo. In fact, when I've voiced my opinion about other people, I tend to find people agreeing with what I've said. Perhaps if you're encountering friction it might simply be the people you're talking to, or the tone or timing of the conversation.

I've found the more open I've been in discussing my anxiety, depression, substance abuse and neurodiversity - the more in depth and open conversations I've been having with people.

Truth is, with more open minded people - not a lot of conversations should, or would be considered taboo.

Ed

 

[Mr. Stevens]

any helpful experiences with neurodiverse friendships and coming to understanding? my roommate tells me these months have been hard for him, and i want to help if i can, but now thati've found out why i used to get so exhausted, i'm absolutely tired of pretending i'm not autistic to make other people feel better about me.

I'd caution against holding yourself to an Allistic idea of socializing. When most people talk about socializing or social skills, they don't mean for Autistic people. For example, directness is a social skills for us--we love clarity. But, for most Allistic people it is threatening and confrontational--not a social skill. It's fair that we adapt to each other in mixed neurotype friendships, but you are who you are.

I have an Allistic friend who I see about once a month. Usually we hike somewhere or get lunch. In between, we might send each other some joke memes or videos. This lets me keep in touch without overburdening myself. That way he knows I care, and vice versa. So, I'd say find a method/frequency of connection that doesn't tax you. They can decide if they accept this or not, but working to please others will only drain you. They'll be excited that you're "becoming social," but the relationship will feel one-sided to you. This creates resentment, of course.

I also have a few Autistic penpals I keep in touch with more regularly. I think the difference is that our communication is more similar, and these exchanges are less taxing. Granted, they're not in person. But, I don't worry as much about how I come off with them and can talk more because we are more similar. I read a book on Autism that mentioned studies showing how easily we socialize with each other, and I think this is true. (Why wouldn't it be? But, you won't hear most Autism experts discuss this.)

So, mostly, be wary of defining your compassion and sociability in Allistic terms. Remember that most Allistic people see themselves as the human ideal, because they are not outnumbered by another neurotype or kind of person.

any helpful experiences with neurodiverse friendships and coming to understanding? my roommate tells me these months have been hard for him, and i want to help if i can, but now thati've found out why i used to get so exhausted, i'm absolutely tired of pretending i'm not autistic to make other people feel better about me.

You're very compassionate to consider his feelings. But, you're not responsible for them, either. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like he's taking your behavior personally, because he has certain expectations. But, you're just being yourself.

Checking in on people works both ways. I'd argue I check in with friends more than they ever check in with me, and it adds fatigue and a sense of futility to certain friendships if I'm being honest.

This is a great point. I've been there, too. Contacting more, or doing (many) more romantic things in a relationship, etc. I also think a lot of the criticisms toward Autistic people can be ascribed to Allistics. I constantly have non-Autistic people monologue at me, for example, since I tend to be quiet. I'm usually looking at them wondering what the point is they're trying to make, while they think I'm really patient. But, if I complain about that then people will think I'm a monster. And while I'm so patient, these people are not going to listen to me talk about a special interest...at all. So there's definitely a double standard. I suppose it all depends on how "weird" v. useful people think you are.

 

[Aneka]

i've been working for a couple months now with my roommate to try to "figure out" neurodiversity in friendships, and i'm finding out i was not as good at camouflage and making as i thought. i just found out 2 things:

1. that among allistics (if you haven't heard it, this is a helpful term i recently found which essentially just means "not autistic") it is considered taboo to speculate about other people's neurotype, but several of the people i know have talked with one another wondering if i was on the spectrum (surprise!)

2. two people explicitly, both my roommate and another friend, but implicitly others as well, have felt that i am not close in the way allistics understand "being close," a reason being that i dont check in with people regularly.

as i'd imagine most of you also feel, it isn't because i don't care, i just didn't know that's something people did. i'm just now finding out that apparently other people are talking to one another regularly, and even enjoy it! this puts me in the difficult position of figuring out a) how to tell the people i feel close to that i'm autistic, b) working on figuring out how to plan time into my routine to help my friends understand i care about them (and how much time i can set aside without eating into the time i need to keep for myself).

my initial reaction, especially since i'm working on trying to mask less, is that this feels like masking. i don't want to make people uncomfortable, but i would love for people to understand that i am "built different," and don't like the idea of having to add checking in with everyone all the time into my regular routines.

any helpful experiences with neurodiverse friendships and coming to understanding? my roommate tells me these months have been hard for him, and i want to help if i can, but now thati've found out why i used to get so exhausted, i'm absolutely tired of pretending i'm not autistic to make other people feel better about me.

edit: it's also discouraging to think that checking in with people is just one thing, and i'm sure there are a number of other things i do/dont do that weird people out. how much can i just say "deal with it"?

Fun fact: I tend to get the silent treatment in groups. Reason: "She's weird, we don't like her."

"Where is the line between weird and normal? Is it normal to treat "weird" people like that?"
They could not answer that...
Sometimes I feel like adults in groups behave more like children than actual children...

 

[MildredHubble]

Fun fact: I tend to get the silent treatment in groups. Reason: "She's weird, we don't like her."

"Where is the line between weird and normal? Is it normal to treat "weird" people like that?"
They could not answer that...
Sometimes I feel like adults in groups behave more like children than actual children...

I think this was a great response. I've dealt with this kind of situation more times than I can count. "Weird" is a subjective or relative term.

I sometimes feel so distressed that I can't articulate things to people. It's a horrible feeling, but people seem to assess my ability to articulate as being very highly developed. I've even been told that my use of metaphors to try to break down a complex concepts and thoughts shows I'm trying very hard to meet people halfway.

When I've been on the receiving end of people's exclusion or just plain cruelty. I've tried to explain that their behaviour often looks darned strange to me. Like @Mr. Stevens puts it, Alltistics or as I describe it "conventional thinkers", believe they are the gold standard. They don't understand at all that it's just as arbitrary as a lot of the weird constructs human beings have created.

A good example for me is my complete inability to understand "formal wear". It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't understand why people tell me that draping a certain type of cloth upon my person will make me feel more "confident" or "professional". I don't understand why others would view me as such because of a textile. It's like magic fairyland make believe to me. Especially when I know that the clothes that do make me feel better about myself and perhaps help me feel those things are apparently the clothes that communicate the opposite to them. I don't really care what anyone wears and my opinion isn't based upon such things.

So yeah, I agree. "Adults" do seem to behave more like kids than actual kids. But at least when they play "dress up", they know and understand it's a game!

 

[Aneka]

I believe that what makes us "weird" is that our facial expressions don't always match our feelings and that we (more or less in a subconscious way) disregard the group dynamics. I tend to treat all people equal, with the exception of close relationships.

True- it's illogical. How someone dresses- it doesn't make that someone any more professional. Most people feel like it boosts their confidence.

I do conform to dress rules, mostly- I didn't do it during puberty but I do it now. I've developed a taste for adult dressing up now. I have a lot of clothes. Most are for the summertime! The wintet section of my wardrobe is tiny- in winter I don't enjoy playing with outfits.

During the week I wear casual outfits mostly... And buns.

I've been overdressed to events- I've been underdressed.
I've been to the opera once and I believed you're supposed to come in an evening gown- most people were in jeans.
On my Jugendweihe ceremony I was the one in jeans and all the other girls wore evening gowns
But that wasn't because I didn't know, I did not care.

 

[MildredHubble]

I believe that what makes us "weird" is that our facial expressions don't always match our feelings and that we (more or less in a subconscious way) disregard the group dynamics. I tend to treat all people equal, with the exception of close relationships.

True- it's illogical. How someone dresses- it doesn't make that someone any more professional. Most people feel like it boosts their confidence.

I do conform to dress rules, mostly- I didn't do it during puberty but I do it now. I've developed a taste for adult dressing up now. I have a lot of clothes. Most are for the summertime! The wintet section of my wardrobe is tiny- in winter I don't enjoy playing with outfits.

During the week I wear casual outfits mostly... And buns.

I've been overdressed to events- I've been underdressed.
I've been to the opera once and I believed you're supposed to come in an evening gown- most people were in jeans.
On my Jugendweihe ceremony I was the one in jeans and all the other girls wore evening gowns
But that wasn't because I didn't know, I did not care.

Well if you were wearing the evening gown, all the people wearing jeans probably thought you were a rich Countess!

I'm all for people wearing what feels right. I suppose we have to have some decency standards so we don't scare the squares lol!

That's fast becoming my favourite phrase!

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I also think a lot of the criticisms toward Autistic people can be ascribed to Allistics. I constantly have non-Autistic people monologue at me, for example, since I tend to be quiet. I'm usually looking at them wondering what the point is they're trying to make, while they think I'm really patient. But, if I complain about that then people will think I'm a monster. And while I'm so patient, these people are not going to listen to me talk about a special interest...at all. So there's definitely a double standard. I suppose it all depends on how "weird" v. useful people think you are.

Wow, does this sound familiar.

 

[Aspychata]

I don't think there is any standards or protocol for checking in, if it's just a casual acquaintance. You actually get to make up the rules to suit yourself. If a friends says can you check in with me more, then you can decide what you wish to contribute to that request. At the end of the day, it's honestly your choice. I run into this with paramours, how much checking is required for us?