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New and Looking for Help and Advice with my BF with ASD

Aby Hazes

Aby Hazes

NT, Bf with ASD
Hi,
I'm Aby and I'm 20 years old from the Philippines and an NT (neurotypic or not in the spectrum). I have been in an almost 6-month long-distance relationship with a guy I met online (Snapchat actually) and he has been diagnosed with Autism last year, about September 2019. And honestly, being with him is difficult. In my observation, our relationship is going through like an up and down roller coaster ride. It's good and high at the beginning (he's sweet and attentive and really kind) but as it goes along the way, that slowly and suddenly drops. He would seem to ignore me, be mean, or "cold" and at those times. I would also get frustrated and hurt because of that behavior. I would start to question myself (insecurities and fears creeping in) and if I did something wrong. Whenever I would try to reach out to him and ask him about it, he would either ignore my texts or just withdraw. And when I try to just be in my own space and cool down a bit, convinced that he wouldn't text or call me (I turn off my internet connection), that when I'd turn it on I have received a lot of messages from him already- and that I feel like angers him. I honestly don't know what to do and I've already read a lot about Autism, but I'm still a bit clueless, afraid that I'd do something wrong and mess it all up (because different strategies work with people on the spectrum). I haven't met him yet but I love him so much. I need someone to talk to about this, because I feel so alone whenever I tell this about my friends for they seem to not understand it and Autism.

I would really appreciate any form of advice, comfort, or just a listening ear. Thanks

Aby

P.S. He's real and not a catfish or a fake.
 
Hi and welcome. I would say, do some developmental work on yourself, perhaps an online course, or therapy, or a class in understanding relationshipso or similar. The more you work on your own insecurities or behaviours, the better able you will be to not get unduly distressed by how others behave, this then makes you better able to understand and support others.

Relationships can be puzzling at any age, and you are quite young as yet. You could hang out here to read threads and learn more about autism, too.
 
Welcome to Autism Forums! I am on the spectrum and I am married to a wonderful NT lady. We have been together for a very long time and have a large family. I have been asked how we do it. My answer is "understanding". My wife has researched ASD and understands my need for alone time, my social shortcomings, my very different way of thinking and most of the weirdness that goes with that. I have done my research too. I understand her and that has helped me understand the "NT ways" much better. The fact that we love each other very much helps a lot too.
 
Hello Aby, welcome to the forum!

Of course, we're always here to hear you out and try to support you, whatever it is that you may have a problem with, although please understand that we may also have some problem with expressing ourselves. In general, we may be more solution- and advice-oriented and less emotionally-supportive, for example, so that's definitely one of the first things you need to consider before making your relationship serious - is he someone that will be able to fulfill your emotional needs? What needs do you even have? What do you expect? There's nothing wrong in saying that two people are good together, but in the end simply incompatible.

Then, there were already quite a few threads about difficulties in ND-NT (autistic-NT) relationships, so I would highly recommend you to check around the forum for anything of interest or just to use the search option (to the right, above 'New Threads') using keywords such as 'relationship', 'autistic boyfriend' etc.

I'm not sure what to advise you concerning your boyfriend... Autism is a spectrum, you see, so what is right for one person will never be right for another. We're all human and quite a bit different from each other despite our similarities.

Some things I may let you know based on how I am with people I care about:

1. I can be affectionate, even very affectionate, at times, but in general typical expression of emotion (like hugging, smiling at people, saying 'I love you') feels quite unnatural to me, so I may opt for making something for someone instead, like buying their favourite drink when I'm in the market or making them tea or coffee (depends on preferences) around their typical waking time, giving random hand-made presents etc. From what I understand, it may be more typical for autistic people to express through this kind of 'action' than words (for example, when I was younger I would never say 'I love you' to my people because it was obvious to me and so needed no repetition, this is how close-minded we can sometimes be - now I see it more as a confirmation and validation of their own feelings than expression of mine).

2. We all seem to have a need for 'alone' time and can have a very strong focus, strong enough that we may forget anything else exists. This may be the reason for him suddenly 'going cold' at some points and it happens to me as well - normally I'm relatively easy to reach by others, but if there's a project I'm working on, I can 'sink' into it for even a few weeks, forgetting that life outside the project exists. It's something I'm working on because I understand it's hurtful for people I care about, but for now it's still a part of my identity.

3. Communication. We may misunderstand or completely miss subtlety. Just be straightforward in communication and say if there's something wrong. There's nothing more upsetting than knowing that someone you love is angry at you but not having any idea why.

Also... Outside of autism and whatnot, your boyfriend seems like a bit of a, well, jerk. Being cold towards your loved one and ignoring them but getting angry if they don't answer is simply not okay. Sometimes people are just really self-absorbed and nasty and it has nothing to do with them being autistic. So, please make sure that you speak with him openly, but also take care of yourself and decide if the relationship fulfills your emotional needs (let him know of these needs as well).
 
Welcome Aby,

There are a lot of threads in here which can help you. your situation is not unique so hang around a bit, read and ask questions.
 
Aby Hazes said:
Hi,
I'm Aby and I'm 20 years old from the Philippines and an NT (neurotypic or not in the spectrum). I have been in an almost 6-month long-distance relationship with a guy I met online (Snapchat actually) and he has been diagnosed with Autism last year, about September 2019. And honestly, being with him is difficult. In my observation, our relationship is going through like an up and down roller coaster ride. It's good and high at the beginning (he's sweet and attentive and really kind) but as it goes along the way, that slowly and suddenly drops. He would seem to ignore me, be mean, or "cold" and at those times. I would also get frustrated and hurt because of that behavior. I would start to question myself (insecurities and fears creeping in) and if I did something wrong. Whenever I would try to reach out to him and ask him about it, he would either ignore my texts or just withdraw. And when I try to just be in my own space and cool down a bit, convinced that he wouldn't text or call me (I turn off my internet connection), that when I'd turn it on I have received a lot of messages from him already- and that I feel like angers him. I honestly don't know what to do and I've already read a lot about Autism, but I'm still a bit clueless, afraid that I'd do something wrong and mess it all up (because different strategies work with people on the spectrum). I haven't met him yet but I love him so much. I need someone to talk to about this, because I feel so alone whenever I tell this about my friends for they seem to not understand it and Autism.

I would really appreciate any form of advice, comfort, or just a listening ear. Thanks

Aby

P.S. He's real and not a catfish or a fake.
Click to expand...

Being in a relationship is difficult enough. Being in a relationship with someone Autistic can add to that difficulty. You being only 20 yrs old and not having a lot of life experience can mix into that pot and cause a lot of emotional backlash as well. I've had to learn all of this the hard way. Due to my Autism, I trusted too many once too often and got hurt many times. Not understanding my own emotions and why I was 'different' to others, made for a very bumpy road of ups and downs not easy to contend with.

Being afraid will kill the chances of anything working. Fear does not exist...we make it real and it lives in our own heads...nowhere else. Kill the fear, you gain more chance of success (I have to remind myself of this). Yes, this can be very difficult, but it can be done. Learn everything you can about Autism and have patience....lots of patience.

If you've never met this person face-to-face, your realisation of how you truly feel has yet to be expressed. You may not 'love' him as much as you thought when you finally meet. 'Over-the-phone' long-distance relationships rarely ever work and when finally meeting that person, those feelings may be met with utter contempt. In my own experience, high ideals of a 20 year old are usually met with bitter disappointment. This is most likely something you didn't want to hear, but our dreams of perfect expectation are normally thrown from their lofty heights to be met by realities cold, hard ground. We learn, we dust ourselves off and then think, 'ok, how can I make this work realistically?'. If you cannot make it work, at least you can say you've honestly tried and can move on without regret.

I am not perfect, nor do I have all the answers. It would please me greatly if the universe were to prove me wrong and you end up having a happy life with this person. Drop the fear...and try. Either way you will have learned something.
 
Aby Hazes said:
Hi,
I'm Aby and I'm 20 years old from the Philippines and an NT (neurotypic or not in the spectrum). I have been in an almost 6-month long-distance relationship with a guy I met online (Snapchat actually) and he has been diagnosed with Autism last year, about September 2019. And honestly, being with him is difficult. In my observation, our relationship is going through like an up and down roller coaster ride. It's good and high at the beginning (he's sweet and attentive and really kind) but as it goes along the way, that slowly and suddenly drops. He would seem to ignore me, be mean, or "cold" and at those times. I would also get frustrated and hurt because of that behavior. I would start to question myself (insecurities and fears creeping in) and if I did something wrong. Whenever I would try to reach out to him and ask him about it, he would either ignore my texts or just withdraw. And when I try to just be in my own space and cool down a bit, convinced that he wouldn't text or call me (I turn off my internet connection), that when I'd turn it on I have received a lot of messages from him already- and that I feel like angers him. I honestly don't know what to do and I've already read a lot about Autism, but I'm still a bit clueless, afraid that I'd do something wrong and mess it all up (because different strategies work with people on the spectrum). I haven't met him yet but I love him so much. I need someone to talk to about this, because I feel so alone whenever I tell this about my friends for they seem to not understand it and Autism.

I would really appreciate any form of advice, comfort, or just a listening ear. Thanks

Aby

P.S. He's real and not a catfish or a fake.
Click to expand...

I don't have anything really to add that others have not already commented on. You have received some really good responses though.

What I would say is that it is difficult navigating NT-ASD relationships that are not long distant. I am 61 and was recently diagnosed ASD, and have been married almost 28 years to an NT woman. The thing I struggle with most is providing the emotional support she needs. For example, when she contacts me at work regarding some problem, I have no idea whether she wants to vent frustration and wants me to listen or whether she wants her problem solved. I am very logical and can solve most any problem or crisis that is presented, so I naturally respond with a solution to her problem. Then she becomes angry and emotional and tells me I have no empathy. Expressing empathy is a major challenge for some people with ASD. In my case, I grew up in a bad situation and learned to suppress my emotions. So, I have difficulty reading emotions of my wife (or other people). It also feels unnatural for me to outwardly express feelings of love/affection. I try, but it is a struggle for me even after being married 28 years. So, I just wanted to give you an idea of what it is like in a serious NT-ASD relationship from an ASD male point of view.
 
Thinx said:
Hi and welcome. I would say, do some developmental work on yourself, perhaps an online course, or therapy, or a class in understanding relationshipso or similar. The more you work on your own insecurities or behaviours, the better able you will be to not get unduly distressed by how others behave, this then makes you better able to understand and support others.

Relationships can be puzzling at any age, and you are quite young as yet. You could hang out here to read threads and learn more about autism, too.
Click to expand...
Awww thank you! I really appreciate it
 
clg114 said:
Welcome to Autism Forums! I am on the spectrum and I am married to a wonderful NT lady. We have been together for a very long time and have a large family. I have been asked how we do it. My answer is "understanding". My wife has researched ASD and understands my need for alone time, my social shortcomings, my very different way of thinking and most of the weirdness that goes with that. I have done my research too. I understand her and that has helped me understand the "NT ways" much better. The fact that we love each other very much helps a lot too.
Click to expand...

Awww that's so sweet! I'm trying so hard to understand him but sometimes (just sometimes) I feel like he doesn't try to understand me but actually tries to "fix" whatever problem I have or sometimes the other way around just like a recent bout we had. He has a new girl bestfriend who he had met just recently, and I soon learned through him that she had developed feelings for him. This made me extremely uncomfortable and he always assured me that he doesn't want her and such and I do trust that. I trust him. However, just a while ago, he asked me if he could call her and sleep in a call with her because he said, I quote, "needed attention" when I was fully there available already talking to him. This hurt me because it seemed like he chose her over me and it made me question my ability as a girlfriend. Do you have any advice about this?
 
onlything said:
Hello Aby, welcome to the forum!

Of course, we're always here to hear you out and try to support you, whatever it is that you may have a problem with, although please understand that we may also have some problem with expressing ourselves. In general, we may be more solution- and advice-oriented and less emotionally-supportive, for example, so that's definitely one of the first things you need to consider before making your relationship serious - is he someone that will be able to fulfill your emotional needs? What needs do you even have? What do you expect? There's nothing wrong in saying that two people are good together, but in the end simply incompatible.

Then, there were already quite a few threads about difficulties in ND-NT (autistic-NT) relationships, so I would highly recommend you to check around the forum for anything of interest or just to use the search option (to the right, above 'New Threads') using keywords such as 'relationship', 'autistic boyfriend' etc.

I'm not sure what to advise you concerning your boyfriend... Autism is a spectrum, you see, so what is right for one person will never be right for another. We're all human and quite a bit different from each other despite our similarities.

Some things I may let you know based on how I am with people I care about:

1. I can be affectionate, even very affectionate, at times, but in general typical expression of emotion (like hugging, smiling at people, saying 'I love you') feels quite unnatural to me, so I may opt for making something for someone instead, like buying their favourite drink when I'm in the market or making them tea or coffee (depends on preferences) around their typical waking time, giving random hand-made presents etc. From what I understand, it may be more typical for autistic people to express through this kind of 'action' than words (for example, when I was younger I would never say 'I love you' to my people because it was obvious to me and so needed no repetition, this is how close-minded we can sometimes be - now I see it more as a confirmation and validation of their own feelings than expression of mine).

2. We all seem to have a need for 'alone' time and can have a very strong focus, strong enough that we may forget anything else exists. This may be the reason for him suddenly 'going cold' at some points and it happens to me as well - normally I'm relatively easy to reach by others, but if there's a project I'm working on, I can 'sink' into it for even a few weeks, forgetting that life outside the project exists. It's something I'm working on because I understand it's hurtful for people I care about, but for now it's still a part of my identity.

3. Communication. We may misunderstand or completely miss subtlety. Just be straightforward in communication and say if there's something wrong. There's nothing more upsetting than knowing that someone you love is angry at you but not having any idea why.

Also... Outside of autism and whatnot, your boyfriend seems like a bit of a, well, jerk. Being cold towards your loved one and ignoring them but getting angry if they don't answer is simply not okay. Sometimes people are just really self-absorbed and nasty and it has nothing to do with them being autistic. So, please make sure that you speak with him openly, but also take care of yourself and decide if the relationship fulfills your emotional needs (let him know of these needs as well).
Click to expand...

Awww thank you for this! I really appreciate it . Somehow, some of my friends told me already that he is quite a jerk, but I always reasoned that they didn't understand Autism. I admit, he's still immature and has a lot more to go through, but I read that some people in the Autism spectrum need to "learn the hard way" to actually learn, and I've been thinking if breaking up with him would do just that, or the other way around. I care for him a lot not to.
 
Rasputin said:
I don't have anything really to add that others have not already commented on. You have received some really good responses though.

What I would say is that it is difficult navigating NT-ASD relationships that are not long distant. I am 61 and was recently diagnosed ASD, and have been married almost 28 years to an NT woman. The thing I struggle with most is providing the emotional support she needs. For example, when she contacts me at work regarding some problem, I have no idea whether she wants to vent frustration and wants me to listen or whether she wants her problem solved. I am very logical and can solve most any problem or crisis that is presented, so I naturally respond with a solution to her problem. Then she becomes angry and emotional and tells me I have no empathy. Expressing empathy is a major challenge for some people with ASD. In my case, I grew up in a bad situation and learned to suppress my emotions. So, I have difficulty reading emotions of my wife (or other people). It also feels unnatural for me to outwardly express feelings of love/affection. I try, but it is a struggle for me even after being married 28 years. So, I just wanted to give you an idea of what it is like in a serious NT-ASD relationship from an ASD male point of view.
Click to expand...

Awww I really appreciate it
 
Storm Hess said:
Being in a relationship is difficult enough. Being in a relationship with someone Autistic can add to that difficulty. You being only 20 yrs old and not having a lot of life experience can mix into that pot and cause a lot of emotional backlash as well. I've had to learn all of this the hard way. Due to my Autism, I trusted too many once too often and got hurt many times. Not understanding my own emotions and why I was 'different' to others, made for a very bumpy road of ups and downs not easy to contend with.

Being afraid will kill the chances of anything working. Fear does not exist...we make it real and it lives in our own heads...nowhere else. Kill the fear, you gain more chance of success (I have to remind myself of this). Yes, this can be very difficult, but it can be done. Learn everything you can about Autism and have patience....lots of patience.

If you've never met this person face-to-face, your realisation of how you truly feel has yet to be expressed. You may not 'love' him as much as you thought when you finally meet. 'Over-the-phone' long-distance relationships rarely ever work and when finally meeting that person, those feelings may be met with utter contempt. In my own experience, high ideals of a 20 year old are usually met with bitter disappointment. This is most likely something you didn't want to hear, but our dreams of perfect expectation are normally thrown from their lofty heights to be met by realities cold, hard ground. We learn, we dust ourselves off and then think, 'ok, how can I make this work realistically?'. If you cannot make it work, at least you can say you've honestly tried and can move on without regret.

I am not perfect, nor do I have all the answers. It would please me greatly if the universe were to prove me wrong and you end up having a happy life with this person. Drop the fear...and try. Either way you will have learned something.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I've been trying to do that too. I'm often crippled by fear when it comes to relationship. Thank you for this
 
Aby Hazes said:
Awww thank you for this! I really appreciate it . Somehow, some of my friends told me already that he is quite a jerk, but I always reasoned that they didn't understand Autism. I admit, he's still immature and has a lot more to go through, but I read that some people in the Autism spectrum need to "learn the hard way" to actually learn, and I've been thinking if breaking up with him would do just that, or the other way around. I care for him a lot not to.
Click to expand...

To be honest, it may turn out to be necessary. It was for me, that's for sure - while the situation was a bit different, I only truly realised how much I may care about my family after I left the country (although, I still consider it to be the best decision I could have had at the time - the experience allowed me to work through things and mature in my own place, at my own pace, essentially).

Just wanted to let you know that the 'sleep in call with a best friend' he had was very unfair towards you and he shouldn't have put you in that situation. It may be a misunderstanding, as it so often happens in mixed relationships (and there are often things you share with your friends but never with your loved one), but he should have found a better way of relaying it to you than 'in need of attention', a reason that sounds to me quite a bit selfish and hurtful.

I think you should take a step back from this relationship. Be open, let him know that you need space for yourself to think things through and then do exactly that - think on your expectations, your needs, give yourself a time to form an opinion without his interference. I understand that you care for him - but you need to care about yourself too. Right now it seems to me that you put too much into this relationship without getting enough in return.

It's too much of a one-way street at the moment. You both need to balance it. If this relationship is to work, you both need to put equal effort into it without illogical demands, keeping open communication and aiming for acceptance and understanding.
 
onlything said:
To be honest, it may turn out to be necessary. It was for me, that's for sure - while the situation was a bit different, I only truly realised how much I may care about my family after I left the country (although, I still consider it to be the best decision I could have had at the time - the experience allowed me to work through things and mature in my own place, at my own pace, essentially).

Just wanted to let you know that the 'sleep in call with a best friend' he had was very unfair towards you and he shouldn't have put you in that situation. It may be a misunderstanding, as it so often happens in mixed relationships (and there are often things you share with your friends but never with your loved one), but he should have found a better way of relaying it to you than 'in need of attention', a reason that sounds to me quite a bit selfish and hurtful.

I think you should take a step back from this relationship. Be open, let him know that you need space for yourself to think things through and then do exactly that - think on your expectations, your needs, give yourself a time to form an opinion without his interference. I understand that you care for him - but you need to care about yourself too. Right now it seems to me that you put too much into this relationship without getting enough in return.

It's too much of a one-way street at the moment. You both need to balance it. If this relationship is to work, you both need to put equal effort into it without illogical demands, keeping open communication and aiming for acceptance and understanding.
Click to expand...

Hi. Just an update, he broke it off just a while ago. He chose her over me because he was more comfortable with her.
 
Aby Hazes said:
Hi. Just an update, he broke it off just a while ago. He chose her over me because he was more comfortable with her.
Click to expand...

Do I understand correctly that he broke up with you? Or did he break off an argument about the sleep in?

Apologies, sometimes I don't catch the right meaning from the get-go.
 
Aby Hazes said:
He broke up with me.
Click to expand...

I see...

I'm sorry that you have to go through it. You must be really hurt, especially that you worked really hard to understand him better and get closer to him. I... I'm not sure if anything I say could make it easier on you but I can offer to listen if you need it. Feel free to send me a PM if you'd prefer not to speak on the forum.

It's always a difficult situation, to have put so much effort into a relationship and have it end like this. I hope that it doesn't spoil the way you think about us all but it would also be understandable if you did.

Just want you to know that he behaved very unfairly towards you. You didn't deserve it. Please take care of yourself.
 
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