Hello, you can call me Xickin, and I have high-functioning autism with aspergers (along with clinical anxiety and depression, as well as OCD). This is very uncomfortable and awkward for me because I've only just begun to come to terms with being autistic, despite being diagnosed at the age of 8 (I am now 27). In all honesty, I hate being disabled. It's been such a burden on me all my life that it's driven me further into anxiety and depression than most I believe; all of this, while trying to keep appearances up for the neurotypical society we live in. Basically, I've hated autism (which stemmed from a lot of self-hatred) and many different other forms of disabilities, because I placed my fear of being "inferior" on them and felt the need to be better in the public eye.
Unfortunately, I still haven't come to terms with a lot of the things I am unable to do yet - move out, maintain a job etc. A big fear I have is for someone to connect me to a stereotype about disabled people, or to simply draw the line between me and autism, "Oh, he likes "_"? He has autism, so it only makes sense." I have a lot of paranoia about being judged, so I try my best all the time to not look disabled, but I usually end up burning out too quickly.
I have a lot of qualities and talents all over the place, so I find it hard to keep a job that's within my range of mental stimulation and mindlessness. I find my form of autism to be very peculiar, as I'm actually very emotional and can understand the emotions of others quite easily. Through my life I've learned how to deal with my public appearance and actions through child-youth programs, and this -along with my empathic nature- have given me an extensive knowledge in how to maintain emotions and build stronger relationships (I am also demisexual, so that helps). This training, however, has caused me to develop two split identities, a neurotypical one, and an autistic one, which has led me to breakdowns about accepting which one I really was. I begged that my true demeanour was more in line with the neurotypical, but as I found out not that long ago, it's not that simple.
For the longest time I denied my autism to the point of constant, 24/7 self-abuse (and that's not even counting my childhood experiences and its extensive history of abuse from others), but I've just come to realize that my autism has actually provided me with some of my best qualities. Ironically, even though I did my best to push away the truth about who I am, I followed the script of some of the most common -and some selective uncommon- autistic traits to a T. It was only after coming to terms with why I am the way I am through understanding and research that I'm comfortable enough to do this now. The point is I'm ready to get better, become more open-minded, and embrace this side of me. Therefore I would really appreciate it if people responded to this and talked to me about their experiences so I can relate and maybe gain some insight into myself.
TLDR Self-hating aspie with a sob story ready to understand what it means to be autistic according to other aspies; hoping to grow as a person both intellectually and spiritually, as well as attain inner peace.
As a public service, I will say I am still very uncomfortable doing this, so if I don't respond, it's not me being rude.
I am comfortable to answer questions.
Thank you
Unfortunately, I still haven't come to terms with a lot of the things I am unable to do yet - move out, maintain a job etc. A big fear I have is for someone to connect me to a stereotype about disabled people, or to simply draw the line between me and autism, "Oh, he likes "_"? He has autism, so it only makes sense." I have a lot of paranoia about being judged, so I try my best all the time to not look disabled, but I usually end up burning out too quickly.
I have a lot of qualities and talents all over the place, so I find it hard to keep a job that's within my range of mental stimulation and mindlessness. I find my form of autism to be very peculiar, as I'm actually very emotional and can understand the emotions of others quite easily. Through my life I've learned how to deal with my public appearance and actions through child-youth programs, and this -along with my empathic nature- have given me an extensive knowledge in how to maintain emotions and build stronger relationships (I am also demisexual, so that helps). This training, however, has caused me to develop two split identities, a neurotypical one, and an autistic one, which has led me to breakdowns about accepting which one I really was. I begged that my true demeanour was more in line with the neurotypical, but as I found out not that long ago, it's not that simple.
For the longest time I denied my autism to the point of constant, 24/7 self-abuse (and that's not even counting my childhood experiences and its extensive history of abuse from others), but I've just come to realize that my autism has actually provided me with some of my best qualities. Ironically, even though I did my best to push away the truth about who I am, I followed the script of some of the most common -and some selective uncommon- autistic traits to a T. It was only after coming to terms with why I am the way I am through understanding and research that I'm comfortable enough to do this now. The point is I'm ready to get better, become more open-minded, and embrace this side of me. Therefore I would really appreciate it if people responded to this and talked to me about their experiences so I can relate and maybe gain some insight into myself.
TLDR Self-hating aspie with a sob story ready to understand what it means to be autistic according to other aspies; hoping to grow as a person both intellectually and spiritually, as well as attain inner peace.
As a public service, I will say I am still very uncomfortable doing this, so if I don't respond, it's not me being rude.
I am comfortable to answer questions.
Thank you
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