New and seeking advice

[christiansmom]

Hi all:

My name is Lisa and I am writing on behalf of my fiance with regard to his 17.5 year old son. We have been together two years and live together. I believe that his son is on the spectrum and have ever since we met. He has been in a sense of denial for quite some time but now has come to the conclusion that something is amiss and has agreed to seek out professional help.

My specific question is how do we approach his son to discuss our thoughts and desire to have him receive a professional diagnosis without making him feel badly about himself? We want to approach this with gentleness and love but words escape us. How do we initiate the conversation? My fiance has sheltered him most of his life and is very concerned with his feelings throughout the process but agrees finally that the time has come for some answers.

Any advice, thoughts, comments are greatly appreciated.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[AHClemist]

Hi christiansmom! Welcome to the forums.

I'm sure very soon you'll have a variety of different suggestions to help you out. Unfortunately your question is a little out of my area of expertise, but what I have learned on these forums is that most people on the spectrum are aware of a certain feeling of "out of placeness" about themselves.
Anything else I'm going to leave to those who have a little more experince with your topic.

I hope you'll find support and answers here.

 

[BraidedPony]

"We love you and that see you are struggling with XYZ. We think it would help to talk to a professional about it."
Thats a thought.
Love, helping, and no diagnosis from you. Let the professional handle the diagnosis, it could be something else.
If he is on the spectrum, it isn't a bad thing. Not that it's easy.

 

[unperson]

I wonder if just letting people think it's a speech/voice disorder, like most autistics need pragmatic speech coaching, some need elocution, could be wrong but that might be a soft way of introducing a larger idea.

I don't think I would have believed I was autistic at 17, but it wasn't a known condition (apart from more profoundly autistic folks) back then.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

Hi all:
My specific question is how do we approach his son to discuss our thoughts and desire to have him receive a professional diagnosis without making him feel badly about himself?

I suggest you sit down with the fiancee first, and hash out your own fears and reasons for pursuing this. (You absolutely should get him diagnosed if possible, but remember that this is about him, not you.) Educate yourselves, read stuff written by autists, and break down any stigma or preconceived notions you may have. This may sound silly, but if you approach with a mindset that ASD is a bad thing and you're scared he has it, he'll pick up on it, and it won't go well for any of you. Approach from a place of wanting to understand and make life easier, and you'll be fine.

Remember that ASD can't be cured. Don't attach any judgment to it--it has random upsides and downsides, but it's not good or bad, it just is. If he's on the spectrum, learning that fact will let him navigate life much more effectively. He'll still be the same person after diagnosis, and day to day life will be pretty much the same, except you'll all be more mindful of sensory and executive function issues, and figure out ways to deal with them.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

So why do you think he needs a diagnosis?

 

[Pats]

I don't really think it's your place, and prepare yourself for resentment. From the son, and if things go sour, eventually from your fiance'.

 

[christiansmom]

I don't really think it's your place, and prepare yourself for resentment. From the son, and if things go sour, eventually from your fiance'.

My fiance is 100% on board. He realizes that there is an issue that needs to be dealt with and that my concern comes from a place of love. I have no negative stigma regarding ASD and while I am certainly not an expert know that for my future step-son ignoring the issue, being in denial and wishing it away is detrimental to his future.

 

[BraidedPony]

well, i guess you told us! lol

 

[christiansmom]

So why do you think he needs a diagnosis?

Loner, no friends, isolates himself and avoid social settings, monotone, no social skills, very immature, repetitive behaviors as a young child, limited eye contact. He is of above average intelligence. I do think that my fiance in an attempt to shield him has babied him terribly and he is probably capable of a bit more independence but he always comes to his rescue aka cleans his glasses, . He is also poor at problem solving. For instance, he spilled coffee grounds on the counter the other day and the way he went about cleaning it was way too thought out. He hums a lot and while he will converse with you and others he walks around talking to the dogs a lot. He doesn't engage in normal every day conversations on his own and when you talk to him you usually get a few words.

 

[BraidedPony]

how did he clean up the coffee grounds?

 

[christiansmom]

well, i guess you told us! lol

Just answered the question. I do not want anyone to perceive that I am coming from a place of blame, judgment or negativity. I come from a place of love. My fiance was widowed 11 years ago and was left with 4 children to raise - 2, 4, 7 and 10. M is the third child and I feel that he feels this is somehow his fault. I want to help them both realize that it is no one's fault and that it is not a bad thing but that we need to deal with it accordingly.

 

[christiansmom]

how did he clean up the coffee grounds?

He struggled. He got a napkin and kind of spread it all over the counter. He gets very nervous also when he has an accident or makes a mistake even though there is never any negativity placed upon him. He spilled a plate of food one time and panicked. My fiance cleaned it for him. I reassured him that it was just an accident and that it was fine but he was very bothered.

 

[christiansmom]

"We love you and that see you are struggling with XYZ. We think it would help to talk to a professional about it."
Thats a thought.
Love, helping, and no diagnosis from you. Let the professional handle the diagnosis, it could be something else.
If he is on the spectrum, it isn't a bad thing. Not that it's easy.[/QUOT

Thank you so much. I love this and you are right, I may be wrong. I just want to see him get help and approach him in a way that he does not feel blame or bad about himself.

 

[Pats]

My fiance is 100% on board. He realizes that there is an issue that needs to be dealt with and that my concern comes from a place of love. I have no negative stigma regarding ASD and while I am certainly not an expert know that for my future step-son ignoring the issue, being in denial and wishing it away is detrimental to his future.

That's great. But now, you need to step back and let dad handle it from here. As a parent, I will say it would be a very delicate situation when it comes to a non-parent giving advice about your child. And things may be rosy now, but it's not going to stay that way, and how you handle this will have an impact later on when things are not all rosy.

 

[christiansmom]

That's great. But now, you need to step back and let dad handle it from here. As a parent, I will say it would be a very delicate situation when it comes to a non-parent giving advice about your child. And things may be rosy now, but it's not going to stay that way, and how you handle this will have an impact later on when things are not all rosy.

I understand and appreciate that you are coming from a place of concern but believe me when I tell you that my encouragement to have M diagnosed has been met with relief. My fiance is unsure as to how to proceed and has asked me now to take the reins. We have been living as a family together for 2 years and he sees how I interact with all of his children (there are 8 between us) and knows that my intentions are pure. I love this young man with all my heart and his father knows that. We both agree that it is time to seek help for him. My fiance feels very overwhelmed and has asked me to help him proceed as he feels totally lost. I am a nurse and have a daughter with special needs and my best friend's son is an Aspie so I do have some experience and knowledge. I am in this for the long haul.

 

[clg114]

Loner, no friends, isolates himself and avoid social settings, monotone, no social skills, very immature, repetitive behaviors as a young child, limited eye contact. He is of above average intelligence. I do think that my fiance in an attempt to shield him has babied him terribly and he is probably capable of a bit more independence but he always comes to his rescue aka cleans his glasses, . He is also poor at problem solving. For instance, he spilled coffee grounds on the counter the other day and the way he went about cleaning it was way too thought out. He hums a lot and while he will converse with you and others he walks around talking to the dogs a lot. He doesn't engage in normal every day conversations on his own and when you talk to him you usually get a few words.

If you are in the US, getting a diagnosis is not easy with the DSM-5. I agree that these symptoms point to ASD, but only a professional can determine that. In my mind, understanding is more important that a diagnosis. All three of you should research ASD and keep reading here. This is not a easy thing for NTs to understand, so it will take some effort. A positive attitude and a open mind is very important.

 

[christiansmom]

If you are in the US, getting a diagnosis is not easy with the DSM-5. I agree that these symptoms point to ASD, but only a professional can determine that. In my mind, understanding is more important that a diagnosis. All three of you should research ASD and keep reading here. This is not a easy thing for NTs to understand, so it will take some effort. A positive attitude and a open mind is very important.

Thank you for your thoughts.