New here: Hoping to get help for my darling son

[Aspie's Mom]

I'm the mother of a son with Asperger's and social anxiety. He's 22 now. His social anxiety was pretty bad (he wouldn't even be able to order a sandwich at a deli) but seems to do a little better with medication, although I'd like him to be off meds entirely.

I'm VERY proud of my son. When he was little he used to read a child's science encyclopedia for hours on end, and retained most of the information. At 13 he was rated at the top 3% of the nation and was invited to participate in the Johns Hopkins Talented Youth Program. He didn't go, but still...

But what I'm most proud of is that he does a wonderful job taking care of his older (by a year) sister, who has schizo-affective disorder. Although daughter is doing a lot better now (you can PM me if you want to know how) he's looks after her. You'd think SHE was the younger one!

My son is amazing in that when you ask him to do something, he complies immediately. None of this snarky teenage/young adult stuff. Dad died last year, and my mom has a hard time in her first year of widowhood. Son and daughter stayed with Mom to help out, and Mom was amazed at how patient my son was. She could ask him to do something 20 times and he would do it without even a sigh.

I want him to have a happy life. He's not interested in going to school (yet!) and is more interested in working and making money, but I think he has problems in interviewing. I told him that we will do role-playing in interviewing etc. He doesn't smile a lot, although he has a great sense of humor.

He's trustworthy. He's never stolen so much as a penny. He does what he's told with no complaint. Little children adore him (maybe because he's built like a bear). Animals go nuts around him! He's a Good Kid.

And I want my Good Kid to be happy! I would love to hear from those who had help with their social anxiety....

 

[Ereth]

Welcome to AspiesCentral. I'm sure you'll be able to contribute a great deal to the forum! You've clearly been supportive of your son since day one---it's no wonder he's so good to you and his sister.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

Your son sounds like a good kid, you should be very proud.

I myself used to suffer from pretty bad social anxiety. I couldn't go up to receptionists, answer phones, and did horribly in job interviews. I hated being outdoors, in crowds, and would never volunteer to put my hand up at school. I probably would have never even joined a forum website, let alone reply to a post such as this, but I have come a long way since then.

I can't speak for all Aspies, as we are all different, but for me, the root of the problem was not purely based on my shy nature. It was more to do with the fact that I was not sure how to actually do these things. Most people know how to pick up a phone, and have a conversation, because it comes naturally, and requires little, to no thought on the subject. For your son, I imagine he feels lost, and out of his comfort zone; it's like being told to work in a job, with no prior training or experience.

He may panic about little things, such as are the pauses between responses too long, is the other person misunderstanding me, or I them? Did they mean what they said, or were they joking? If so, should I laugh? Did they believe my laugh was genuine, or if I didn't laugh, has it made for an awkward silence? Is it my turn to talk? Are they expecting me to say something, and if so, what? Do they want me to do something else, which I won't know how to do? Are they able to detect that I'm no good at this? By the end of the phone call, it would be quite draining having to experience a phone call this way every time, you can see why it would be avoided. These were the typical thoughts that would run through my head when I was younger, and didn't know how to go about these things.

Understand how he approaches the tasks he struggles with, and you will find your answer on how to solve it. Perhaps going through the motions with him, and asking him to verbalise the steps out loud, will help you better understand the problem. Practise makes perfect, and he will appreciate clear, step-by-step instructions.

I hope that helps

 

[nowwhat]

I have some social anxiety, not real bad, but I had a teen episode of paranoid schizophrenia (massive drug use + aspergers = bad idea), so my anxieties have a particularly nasty tinge to them. I have some other things going on. Maybe a touch of BPD that I've recognized and I am depressive. I have avoided meds all my life, and admire your desire to have him off them, if possible.

I work, I deal with people, though I need some recharge time regularly. I cause my share of trainwrecks, but I have friends. I have been married for 23 years and have two teens. My daughter is neurotypical and my son might be just a bit on the spectrum, but he's functioning very well and so I'm not going to delve too much.

Life is tough, and people are cruel, and to the extent your son wants to participate in all that life has, he will have to deal with it. He's gonna have to develop a thick skin and some serious courage to move forward in life. If he is honest, nice and persistent, he will do OK, I'm sure. Character still counts for a whole lot, even in this day and age.

I cannot stress the work angle enough for him. Because we cannot slide by on charm, and frankly tend not to get people on our side easily, aspies really need to work on developing strong, marketable skills, giving us the independence we so desperately need. I don't know what he's into, but might there be something related to one or more of his interests? Any sort of "hired gun" position is good for us. Someone who does something no one else wants to, or is capable of can be forgiven much in the way of social ineptness. Such positions also often pay well. It is very depressing to be very intelligent, yet be working a boring, menial job because of your social shortcomings. It is very important for him to avoid this trap in order to have a happy, fulfilling life. Many of us wind up in this situation.

That's all I can think of for now. Please continue to interact with our community here. You'll never find so many helpful aspies in one place.

 

[Terencby]

Your son sounds like someone who is doing really well.

Just re the work, is there any kind of independent, free-lance or work-from-home work that he could, or even some kind of service or skill he could offer/handle from home? I've never worked in a traditional work-environment in my life, but I've managed to be successful (enough!) by honing in on what I do well and being lucky enough to make a career out of it.

i agree completely with nowwhat, in that what Aspies need more than anything else re work is independence. If you can control what you do and your environment, you can really minimise a lot of the stress and difficulties, while maximising the strengths and possibilities.