tlc
The Mackinac Bridge and U.P. is my happy place.
Hi, I just joined today and replied to a handful of threads.
The first time I heard about autism was in the late 80s or early 90s when our long time local weatherman had to move downstate closer to the children's hospital because he had an autistic son. So to me it seemed autism was a hell or death sentence. No way it could be me. Then maybe 3-5 years ago I read on a forum about some organists being aspergers or autistic and it made me wonder.
I've always known there was something considerably different about me than the rest of my peers. I always attributed it to being picked on because I was small (see the digestive issues thread). But no matter where I went, I was the same. No desire to be casually social, feeling like hell when put into social situations with no practical means. Severe headache and heart pounding out of my chest for something as simple as mentioning my 2 cents in a conversation or meeting. Not knowing how to make or keep friends. My mind a never ending churning of gears about my future, past, things I need to say, things I've already said. Feeling like I am living in a bubble and the world passing by. Would rather live away from people, and aside from blowing people up, I feel it would be desirable to live in a remote shack like the unabomber.
I've also long since had overly sensitive hearing, touch, sight, smell. Not being able to remember or do more than one thing at once but being able to remember what I did when I was 2 like a color movie. Not being able to hear someone when there was any background noise, I'd just give up or just say yeah. Couldn't understand a fictional book to save my life, nor could write a fictional story. I winged it in school by writing about family situations I already knew. Was the top math and shop student. Was the top speller in the school because like math spelling is right or wrong, same with grammar which I could do well. (Not that it is perfect here.) I hated recess, I didn't know how to play nor cared to, I would just go and wait in line to go back in. I figured some people were just that way. I am very quiet and barely talk but I write too much.
Then first I read a dollar store book about auditory processing disorder and wondered if it applied. Maybe, but wiki also mentioned aspergers and the light came on when I read it. So I read a couple more books on autism in the last few days and aspergers or high functioning autism describes me to a tee. Autism but at least being able to function in the world. The social limitations, the overly active senses, the obsessive narrow band interests which I mentioned in an obsession thread. Even playing with gears at a young age instead of toys. When I did have toys I was more interested in how they worked than using them as toys. The comfort in repetitive behavior. Being terrified of change. Have horrible anxiety when parting with anything. I hoard things but not garbage and not to an unlivable space like you see on TV. I peel my nails, pick skin on my fingers, pull hair here and there, can't seem to stop. Even the digestive troubles (which I read in a book before here). There are probably more things but it really surprised me. How can this be autism? Autism is supposed to be like a death sentence. This is normal to me and as long as I am left to live my quirky life I like who I am.
The info made me wonder about family connections. I always knew I was more like my grandpa in so many ways, but by everything I read, he was pretty clearly aspie too. And now I think about it, my daughter shows some signs of it, repetitive behavior, fear of anything social, sensitivity to light and touch and sound (worse than me), always walked on her tiptoes. And an oddball maybe unrelated fact is she knew what a trapezoid was before knowing colors. And I thought it was cool at the time her security toy was a plastic bolt. But she's so much like me that I know her to a tee. It would be a lot tougher to raise her if she was more of what's considered normal. She's the best kid I could have ever hoped for. And diagnosis is out of the question for her, she's perfect to me and is happy and besides her mom would come unglued at the mention of it.
So reasons for nondiagnosis for me are a few. #1 who knows what the family court would say if anyone found out, I could easily be called unfit and lose my daughter. Word travels fast in these parts. #2 insurance would never cover it, and doctors here would be totally unqualified. Been to a few over time and they said nothing wrong I was just a loner. #3 they say your family/friends need to play a part in your diagnosis, and well that will never happen. Have one friend that doesn't know me that well, and parents are nice enough but are the type who refuse to believe their kid isn't normal. Exactly why I almost died (digestive issues thread). #4 who knows what would happen at work, being small towns and such slim pickins for good jobs in Michigan as it is. I'm a mechanical engineer and one of the electrical engineers is also clearly an aspie or at least similar to me. He's a genius but doesn't know how to talk to people when put on the spot. Also nearly 15 years ago the company had us all take this 4 quadrant 2 axis personality test and write our results for all to see. Out of 30 some people he and I were the only two in the lower left quadrant and both at a -2, -2.
I tried joining another similar forum but after failed registration and 2 short unanswered emails to moderator over 3 weeks I figured it wasn't meant to be. So this place looks pretty nice, looks like I can communicate and fit in.
I happened to be sick this weekend but most of the time I'm either working or on the road traveling long miles with my daughter. Plus only have dialup so can't do anything fancy.
The first time I heard about autism was in the late 80s or early 90s when our long time local weatherman had to move downstate closer to the children's hospital because he had an autistic son. So to me it seemed autism was a hell or death sentence. No way it could be me. Then maybe 3-5 years ago I read on a forum about some organists being aspergers or autistic and it made me wonder.
I've always known there was something considerably different about me than the rest of my peers. I always attributed it to being picked on because I was small (see the digestive issues thread). But no matter where I went, I was the same. No desire to be casually social, feeling like hell when put into social situations with no practical means. Severe headache and heart pounding out of my chest for something as simple as mentioning my 2 cents in a conversation or meeting. Not knowing how to make or keep friends. My mind a never ending churning of gears about my future, past, things I need to say, things I've already said. Feeling like I am living in a bubble and the world passing by. Would rather live away from people, and aside from blowing people up, I feel it would be desirable to live in a remote shack like the unabomber.
I've also long since had overly sensitive hearing, touch, sight, smell. Not being able to remember or do more than one thing at once but being able to remember what I did when I was 2 like a color movie. Not being able to hear someone when there was any background noise, I'd just give up or just say yeah. Couldn't understand a fictional book to save my life, nor could write a fictional story. I winged it in school by writing about family situations I already knew. Was the top math and shop student. Was the top speller in the school because like math spelling is right or wrong, same with grammar which I could do well. (Not that it is perfect here.) I hated recess, I didn't know how to play nor cared to, I would just go and wait in line to go back in. I figured some people were just that way. I am very quiet and barely talk but I write too much.
Then first I read a dollar store book about auditory processing disorder and wondered if it applied. Maybe, but wiki also mentioned aspergers and the light came on when I read it. So I read a couple more books on autism in the last few days and aspergers or high functioning autism describes me to a tee. Autism but at least being able to function in the world. The social limitations, the overly active senses, the obsessive narrow band interests which I mentioned in an obsession thread. Even playing with gears at a young age instead of toys. When I did have toys I was more interested in how they worked than using them as toys. The comfort in repetitive behavior. Being terrified of change. Have horrible anxiety when parting with anything. I hoard things but not garbage and not to an unlivable space like you see on TV. I peel my nails, pick skin on my fingers, pull hair here and there, can't seem to stop. Even the digestive troubles (which I read in a book before here). There are probably more things but it really surprised me. How can this be autism? Autism is supposed to be like a death sentence. This is normal to me and as long as I am left to live my quirky life I like who I am.
The info made me wonder about family connections. I always knew I was more like my grandpa in so many ways, but by everything I read, he was pretty clearly aspie too. And now I think about it, my daughter shows some signs of it, repetitive behavior, fear of anything social, sensitivity to light and touch and sound (worse than me), always walked on her tiptoes. And an oddball maybe unrelated fact is she knew what a trapezoid was before knowing colors. And I thought it was cool at the time her security toy was a plastic bolt. But she's so much like me that I know her to a tee. It would be a lot tougher to raise her if she was more of what's considered normal. She's the best kid I could have ever hoped for. And diagnosis is out of the question for her, she's perfect to me and is happy and besides her mom would come unglued at the mention of it.
So reasons for nondiagnosis for me are a few. #1 who knows what the family court would say if anyone found out, I could easily be called unfit and lose my daughter. Word travels fast in these parts. #2 insurance would never cover it, and doctors here would be totally unqualified. Been to a few over time and they said nothing wrong I was just a loner. #3 they say your family/friends need to play a part in your diagnosis, and well that will never happen. Have one friend that doesn't know me that well, and parents are nice enough but are the type who refuse to believe their kid isn't normal. Exactly why I almost died (digestive issues thread). #4 who knows what would happen at work, being small towns and such slim pickins for good jobs in Michigan as it is. I'm a mechanical engineer and one of the electrical engineers is also clearly an aspie or at least similar to me. He's a genius but doesn't know how to talk to people when put on the spot. Also nearly 15 years ago the company had us all take this 4 quadrant 2 axis personality test and write our results for all to see. Out of 30 some people he and I were the only two in the lower left quadrant and both at a -2, -2.
I tried joining another similar forum but after failed registration and 2 short unanswered emails to moderator over 3 weeks I figured it wasn't meant to be. So this place looks pretty nice, looks like I can communicate and fit in.
I happened to be sick this weekend but most of the time I'm either working or on the road traveling long miles with my daughter. Plus only have dialup so can't do anything fancy.
Last edited:
