New here trying to move forward

[syntheticnatural]

Hi all. I'm new here. I don't have a diagnosis. I've always wondered if I was on the spectrum, but brushed it off because I tend to be very good at all my jobs which have always involved dealing with people. But I came across some reading about difficulties with executive function several weeks ago which hit home with me so hard, so I've been trying to learn as much as I can, and a lot of things make so much more sense now.

Like how females tend to go unnoticed due to camouflage and learning to mimick others' behavior. I've been a server most of my life. When I started, I was terrible. But I picked up on how to act from watching various coworkers, and ended up being able to handle some of the most difficult customers. I'm in my 30's and I've never had a boyfriend. Making friends is extremely difficult for me. I don't feel right saying that I get taken advantage of, but perhaps that's what it is. I tend to be a great resource of wisdom and advice that cuts through all the BS that's everywhere else. I'm everybody's "rock." But when it comes to me being the one who needs something, nobody can handle it, so they get nervous and back away. I've always felt very isolated, despite being around lots of people most of the time.

I struggle a great deal with mundane tasks. Like, the anxiety from just facing my mail will make me shut down. I've seen many different therapists over the years for depression/anxiety/aftereffects of an abusive childhood (lots of drinking, drugs, and violence from my parents and such.) It's been mildly helpful at best, and sometimes has actually made things worse. I've taken adderrall on and off for ADD.

I have ridiculously good hearing, which should be great since I'm a musician, but it just adds to my difficulties, as I get overwhelmed easily with certain types of chaotic noise. Worse yet is repetitive soft sounds in otherwise quiet rooms. Someone tapping their foot or fingers, or clearing their throat repeatedly. I literally have to remove myself from the room withing a minute or two, or I'll have a meltdown that takes a day to recover from.

I started and stopped college classes several times in my 20s, even though subject matter is usually pretty easy for me. I easily get overwhelmed with all the things I have to accomplish, so I end up quitting. All the organizers and planners in the world are useless. It's not a time management problem, it's a "I'm frustrated that this is demanding any amount of my free time and attention, so I'm just not going to acknowledge it."

But I finally did finish a college program and got a really good job in healthcare. I relocated for the job, and it really did have it's great points, but the new facility was not a good fit, and I lost my job a few months ago. My facility has a bit of a monopoly on anything healthcare within at least a 2 hour radius, so I'm unemployed until I can relocate again. I know where I want to go, and I know my skills are excellent, but being stuck in this city that I really do absolutely hate, where I don't know anyone, and with the shady circumstances under which I lost my job looming over my head, what little confidence I had is absolutely shot.

I guess that's the "extended nutshell" of my story. I know some of my difficulties contributed to me losing my job, and I'm worried about how that's going to affect my prospects. I, as per usual, didn't make any friends while I still had my job, and have no references I can use from here. And being unemployed, I'm also uninsured, so any sort of evaluation or referral is out of reach to me right now.

 

[Dorkasour]

Heya, you're symptoms sounds very very similar to mine. I am a victim of child abuse and very sensitive to sound. I feel as though I am there for everyone but when I need it they are not there for me in the same way. I also get easily overwhelmed with what I am working on and have a hard time completing them. I also have a hard time keeping friends and getting into a relationship.

When I spoke to my therapist about such things she told me that experiencing abuse at such a young age can create such limitations. That I lack skills that others have learned at a young age.

From what I understand I am not Aspie but my symptoms do overlap because of my limitations. Reading posts here has helped me understand things and help my feel peace. I hope the website serves you as well?

If you need anyone to talk to feel free to message me. It sounds like we have somethings in common. Good luck!

 

[SusanLR]

So much of your post @syntheticnatural , sounds like me.
The only difference is I never had the abuse issue growing up.
A lot of psyches thought I did from my symptoms and just wouldn't believe elsewise which upset my parents when they were told this when it just wasn't true.
I don't think anyone thought or knew much about Asperger's in those days. Or HFAs.
Only twice was the word autistic personality mentioned.
I did'nt get a diagnosis until I was in my late 50's!

And you are welcome here. A good place.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi all. I'm new here. I don't have a diagnosis. I've always wondered if I was on the spectrum, but brushed it off because I tend to be very good at all my jobs which have always involved dealing with people. But I came across some reading about difficulties with executive function several weeks ago which hit home with me so hard, so I've been trying to learn as much as I can, and a lot of things make so much more sense now.

Like how females tend to go unnoticed due to camouflage and learning to mimick others' behavior. I've been a server most of my life. When I started, I was terrible. But I picked up on how to act from watching various coworkers, and ended up being able to handle some of the most difficult customers. I'm in my 30's and I've never had a boyfriend. Making friends is extremely difficult for me. I don't feel right saying that I get taken advantage of, but perhaps that's what it is. I tend to be a great resource of wisdom and advice that cuts through all the BS that's everywhere else. I'm everybody's "rock." But when it comes to me being the one who needs something, nobody can handle it, so they get nervous and back away. I've always felt very isolated, despite being around lots of people most of the time.

I struggle a great deal with mundane tasks. Like, the anxiety from just facing my mail will make me shut down. I've seen many different therapists over the years for depression/anxiety/aftereffects of an abusive childhood (lots of drinking, drugs, and violence from my parents and such.) It's been mildly helpful at best, and sometimes has actually made things worse. I've taken adderrall on and off for ADD.

I have ridiculously good hearing, which should be great since I'm a musician, but it just adds to my difficulties, as I get overwhelmed easily with certain types of chaotic noise. Worse yet is repetitive soft sounds in otherwise quiet rooms. Someone tapping their foot or fingers, or clearing their throat repeatedly. I literally have to remove myself from the room withing a minute or two, or I'll have a meltdown that takes a day to recover from.

I started and stopped college classes several times in my 20s, even though subject matter is usually pretty easy for me. I easily get overwhelmed with all the things I have to accomplish, so I end up quitting. All the organizers and planners in the world are useless. It's not a time management problem, it's a "I'm frustrated that this is demanding any amount of my free time and attention, so I'm just not going to acknowledge it."

But I finally did finish a college program and got a really good job in healthcare. I relocated for the job, and it really did have it's great points, but the new facility was not a good fit, and I lost my job a few months ago. My facility has a bit of a monopoly on anything healthcare within at least a 2 hour radius, so I'm unemployed until I can relocate again. I know where I want to go, and I know my skills are excellent, but being stuck in this city that I really do absolutely hate, where I don't know anyone, and with the shady circumstances under which I lost my job looming over my head, what little confidence I had is absolutely shot.

I guess that's the "extended nutshell" of my story. I know some of my difficulties contributed to me losing my job, and I'm worried about how that's going to affect my prospects. I, as per usual, didn't make any friends while I still had my job, and have no references I can use from here. And being unemployed, I'm also uninsured, so any sort of evaluation or referral is out of reach to me right now.

is there anyone you could trust ?!sorry welcome I'm typically autistic.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Bella Pines]

I would say aspergers. (or I think it is now called HFA, high functioning autism).

I have super sensitive hearing and can become what people want me to become. I also get super stressed in crowds and find huge relief from going off on my own. I have exactly 1 friend and go out of my way to keep it that way. I also have specialized interests, get absorbed with what I am doing and analyse everything. I would say that I am immune to brain washing but occasionally I will choose to be brain washed and join the crowd, but it's always a conscious choice.

But now in my 40s I've done the research, talked to people like me and I wouldn't have it any other way. Aspie and happy.

 

[tree]

 

[Origins]

Aspie and happy.

Wow, I like that. This quote will linger in my mind like a mantra.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome to AC!

 

[syntheticnatural]

I would say aspergers. (or I think it is now called HFA, high functioning autism).

I have super sensitive hearing and can become what people want me to become. I also get super stressed in crowds and find huge relief from going off on my own. I have exactly 1 friend and go out of my way to keep it that way. I also have specialized interests, get absorbed with what I am doing and analyse everything. I would say that I am immune to brain washing but occasionally I will choose to be brain washed and join the crowd, but it's always a conscious choice.

But now in my 40s I've done the research, talked to people like me and I wouldn't have it any other way. Aspie and happy.

We sound very similar. I can relate to becoming what other people want me to become. I've had people I know be very surprised after seeing me in a different context. I, too, like to think that I'm immune to brainwashing. I hate advertising and marketing because it's so deceptive. I realized a few years ago that salespeople often become uncomfortable talking to me because I poke holes in their pitch, so now I don't ask the obvious questions, even though I want to.

I have some specialized interests, as well, with a memory like a steel trap. An old coworker nicknamed me "Fyi" because I'm so full of information. Before the days of smart phones, I was frequently consulted whenever someone was wondering about something that's not quite common knowledge.

Oftentimes during conversation, someone will pause, look at me, and say: "How do you know all this stuff?" I always thought once I changed careers, I'd finally be around people with broad, well-rounded knowledge, but if anything, it's the opposite. They know their jobs well, but beyond that all they seem to care about is celebrity gossip.

 

[syntheticnatural]

is there anyone you could trust ?!sorry welcome I'm typically autistic.

No, I'm pretty much on my own. I have some casual friends, but they're all several hours away. And I know from experience that I can't go to them with anything substantial. I really dislike my current city for a number of reasons, and hope to be leaving in the next few months, so options here aren't really a thing. Hopefully, once I'm relocated I can make some changes, but first I have to get past the "getting a job" hurdle, and facing that is causing so much anxiety.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Welcome, @syntheticnatural! I wonder if you can set up an online consulting business in your specialty and bypass that 2-hour radius monopoly. Maybe supplement that with a part-time job until it takes off.

 

[syntheticnatural]

Welcome, @syntheticnatural! I wonder if you can set up an online consulting business in your specialty and bypass that 2-hour radius monopoly. Maybe supplement that with a part-time job until it takes off.

I'm a clinician, so there's no online work I could do in my field. And under no circumstances do I want to make my current city a permanent or even long term home. The area I'm wanting to move to has plenty of job opportunities, I'm just overwhelmed with how to get started.

 

[Theta.G]

We sound very similar. I can relate to becoming what other people want me to become. I've had people I know be very surprised after seeing me in a different context. I, too, like to think that I'm immune to brainwashing. I hate advertising and marketing because it's so deceptive. I realized a few years ago that salespeople often become uncomfortable talking to me because I poke holes in their pitch, so now I don't ask the obvious questions, even though I want to.

I have some specialized interests, as well, with a memory like a steel trap. An old coworker nicknamed me "Fyi" because I'm so full of information. Before the days of smart phones, I was frequently consulted whenever someone was wondering about something that's not quite common knowledge.

Oftentimes during conversation, someone will pause, look at me, and say: "How do you know all this stuff?" I always thought once I changed careers, I'd finally be around people with broad, well-rounded knowledge, but if anything, it's the opposite. They know their jobs well, but beyond that all they seem to care about is celebrity gossip.

Pull up a chair and relax
Here you will find people with tons of knowledge and wisdom. On a wide variety of topics. I think you'll like this place.

What's your role as a musician? (Singer, producer, what instrument do you play?)

Welcome!

 

[Origins]

Welcome @syntheticnatural

 

[Katleya]

Hello and welcome!

There's so much in your introduction I could have written myself
The limited frienships, zero BS, mail anxiety, therapists that often made things worse, hearing & misophonia, lack of friends or references at work, encyclopedia-like knowledge... You've definitely come to the right place. I hope you find the same support and wisdom here that I now can't do without; the past year, since I got my diagnosis, has been a bumpy road, but many of the people and posts here have helped me make sense of things and find ways of adjusting like no therapist ever; the forums really have helped make the journey smoother.

Tell us more about yourself, about music for example. Or any other interests, really.

 

[syntheticnatural]

Thanks everyone. My main instrument is the violin. I played with a couple ensembles back before I moved for work, but there aren't any opportunities in my current city. I also have varied experience with the piano and flute, and VERY rudimentary alto sax skills.

I have a strong interest in neurobiology and how brains work, and have done a ton of reading on it. This has made various psychiatrist appointments s big pain, because when I ask how a certain med is supposed to help me, the Dr tends to not have an answer that's more informative than the antidepressant commercials on TV.

And floorplans. Mostly of locations of various TV shows that I like, but occasionally of large, old houses for sale that are posted online. I will watch scenes and scroll through pictures many times until I can get an accurate picture of a layout in my head. For complicated ones, I'll sketch them out on paper.