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[ChrisC1983]

ok.. so.. i dont know what to say. ..........
basics... my name is Chris, i'm 31 and living in MA (i don't mind being specific but i dont know the rules yet and dont want to be bumped for saying the city). from there it's all downhill..

i have aspergers.. which apparently my drs coveted in a shroud of secrecy as if i was the sole survivor of an alien race without ever knowing (i was told a few months ago.. suspected it for years.. facebook friends said it to me before my own doctors)... i've done little in my life but have had a lot happen to me. the typical school bullying and such, i think most can relate so i'll skip most of that. i was one of those cases that "slipped through the cracks" as the dr said (again, just recently) so, as the saying means, i missed out on all the help. had a little speech therapy around 2nd grade but zero support after that besides some depression support and breathing techniques taught to me. not that i'm angry about it.. honestly i'm more bummed and glad to have somebody verbalize it to me at the same time

so, life has been kind of rough.. my father is bipolar, mother is schizophrenic and my father had a breakdown when i was 12 or 13 so what little social skills i did build up pretty much stopped there. i've been "winging it" as i go through life so i've tried to be as adaptive as i can. i still think very literally ("winging it" for example.. i've figured out it basically means "trying/learning/doing as it happens" but i still think of a giant wing lol) and the few friends i did have around that age also drifted off so i've basically been friendless since then. i did muster up 1 girlfriend throughout my life... in a nutshell, she was crazy.. didn't last a year.

now.... i'm just lonely as hell and dont know how to fix it. my family is still as crazy as ever, they have just moved apart a bit (used to all live in the same house... dad is OK, he's on a lot of meds for his moods. he has other health issues now but mood wise he's how he was when i was very young so it's OK for me) but while he would like to be helpful he just doesn't know how (and neither do i) and still has his "man up" mentality (basically.. "just get over it and do it") which isn't really a possibility. i've been working with my aunt and her boyfriend (one of my fathers childhood friends) but my aunt is undiagnosed bipolar (most likely) and her boyfriend's ex wife abused the hell out of him (i didn't know him at the time, but even his kids say she did) so he's a bit rough too. he has an autistic son (mild... something with a few similar Asperger traits but not entirely) and he has no idea how to handle his son with anything. so..... yeah..... no help anywhere.

ok clearly i can babble forever. if anybody is honestly interested in talking i would love to chat back and fourth. right now i'm basically working 7 days a week but not being paid anything and getting yelled at when i try to pay my credit card bill (all of which is spent on work expenses). i have plenty of knowledge now to probably go off and do my own thing... but i couldn't do it here. i can barely bring myself to drive a car unless it's utmost necessary (and i sold the car i did have because i couldn't afford to keep it since i never used it as i work too much)............. so........... yeah.......... wow i sound like a mess. god i'm sorry i didn't mean to just whine. usually i would delete this whole thing but i'm going to keep it and see how things go. i welcome anybody who wants to talk about anything.. whether it be my life, their life, or just quiz me until you figure out something we both seem to like talking about. really.. just anything. i stutter in person and have some serious anxiety verbalizing many sounds ("stop" sounds as i say.. so, the "ch" sound in "chris"... yeah, i panic saying my own name. try introducing yourself to even start a conversation when that happens)

i swear i'm not as lame as i just sounded. i've just been proverbially kicked in the face all my life and this square is now a circle

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard
Hope you enjoy the community.

 

[ChrisC1983]

if nothing else i enjoy the picture
i'm going to try and go to bed but i will check back in the morning or.. more likely.. late evening.... long story short, although that picture is more of a pallet knife technique.. it reminds me a lot of "starry night" by van gogh... great picture. (the "work" i do is reselling antique/vintage/collectible items.. which is a great way to put all that focus research to good use and appease the whole scatterbrain thing since we buy almost anything. so 1 minute i'm researching civil war boots.. then marbles.. then trying to date an antique photograph by the furniture in the background lol)

 

[Datura]

Welcome Chis. Interesting helmet. Does it serve some practical purpose or is it a costume piece?

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Chris

Well, Chris, you have hit upon the only forum on the internet where you will feel at home and the courage to battle on.

For the most part, we sound like twins ( no, not you male, me female). I had to laugh because when I read: winging it, immediately I see a huge wing flying lol. Can be really amusing at times eh? When ones say: I would love to be a fly on the wall ie I would love to spy. I think: ewww no thanks, I rather be a butterfly One of the best pieces I saw on Youtube was of a family watching a sports event and suddenly said there were cheers and: wow they broke a record. Promptly their little girl, picks up the records and goes and starts breaking them and of course, the sounds of horror from her parents, ensued and looking perplexed she says: but I wanted to make you happy!!! I have to admit, that it was my first thought too; I totally related to her breaking those records, despite knowing that it was not the thing to do!

I stutter when saying my own name too and it is like this long drawn out breath and at the end is: what is your name, comes out and feels ALIEN to say it or clumsy as heck.

Yep, I can ramble on as well and although those in my life ( spiritual family) are kinder, I can tell when I ramble because I am one aspie who learned to read faces. But sadly also seem to misinterpret the look, which is frustrating.

I too, as a child was sent to speech therapy and etc etc and not one single person ever considered aspergers. It was: she is stupid or a slow learner. I learned to read when I was 9 and from there, there was no stopping me and received a diploma for my reading skills, which is rather funny, considering. I received no decent schooling because they thought: slow learner, not worth teaching and thus, at 16 knew very little.

It is a relief to know what is going on; but the challenge is to find others who are aspies or at least, who accept us as we are.

 

[Tom]

Hey Chris,

Hi & Welcome,

I buy/resell collectible Toy Soldiers on Ebay. Its actually been a special interest since I was a kid and I turned it into a side business to try and help fund it. But these days its mostly just is used to pay Veterinarian Bills.

 

[Elemental]

Welcome to the site Chris

 

[Adora]

Hi Chris welcome I hope we can chat soon seems you experienced a hard life I have similar experiences too.

 

[Vinca]

Hi Chris, and welcome

 

[Omega]

You could not find a better forum than you have here. Welcome and good luck!

 

[EdR]

Welcome Chris. I am sure that you will find many resources on this forum.

 

[ChrisC1983]

wow.. didn't expect so many responses lol.
well.. from the top..
Datura the helmet thing is basically because i sell antiques/collectibles. i took the photo in the store (big multi dealer warehouse) but also because it fits my head and it's rare for something to fit my head without it being a stretchy wool winter cap or something so anytime something fits, i need to put it on lol. also, honestly, i like the privacy. i dont own the helmet (couldn't bring myself to wear such a thing in public at this juncture in my life) but being closed off from the world like that makes me act better in the world since i actually feel like there's less judgement...... eventhough i'm wearing a giant red metal helmet lol. yeah... logic..

Suzanne... yeah a literal cartoon mind can be entertaining. most recently my big thing has been when people say "um" like "umm what was i talking about again?" i instantly think of "arm" and want to say "leg". and depending on who is in the store (the only place i go).. i will say it. i often need to take a breath to say my name too and by the time i get it out i can tell.. even if they don't say it, you can see that "what do you not know your name?" expression on their face. my mother is (or was anyway) a big reader but i just can't read. the literal thing backfires as i'm reading so i know i'm not getting the information correctly. i used to be (think i still am but i'm not challenged how i would like) very intelligent... but i never read 1 book for school. i just couldn't. instead i did research on the book online which for some reason was different enough for me to really get into it and then i could do the report. my memory is terrible but thankfully i can usually figure things out. but if i need to do 2 things the same way, it probably wont happen.. so math was terrible. i always got the right answers but i couldn't show the work "properly" or sometimes not at all since it made even less sense when written down.. so i would get half credit or even a zero for those questions making my math grades pretty bad throughout my school life.

Tom....... so i need to ask. do you ever come across original 1960s gi joes? i used to collect the new 12" ones as a kid (that came out in the 80-90s) because dad had the 60's ones, and when i got some money i would buy some of the 60s ones he had. partly to add to my collection (i knew it was going there anyway) but also because he wanted to play with mine and i didn't want them opened lol. so he could play with the 60s ones. when he did open my toys i always (even as a kid) saved all the twist ties and everything to put them back properly.... god it drove me nuts when he opened my toys lol. he also gave away a lot of my toys... i understand why. honestly, i was a spoiled kid (only child.. we werent rich but we had a rent control apartment, no car and only went on vacation 1 time per year with a family friend to his bosses cottage in NH so we had enough money to spoil me)..... but tangent story aside, he gave a lot of my toys away and it killed me when he did but he always used the whole guilt trip of "that kid doesn't have anything" and it was true. for my area we were OK... but i attached all my memories to those object so when they went away, so did the memories. now when i watch a home movie it's just like watching something new on TV that i've never seen before... i never remember any of it.

everybody else.. thanks. i'm going to try and keep up with any responses and as i get free time pop around here more. i'm trying to get some more free time to build on myself.. otherwise i have no reason to keep killing myself working for nothing. i know my aunt will blow up about it and i'll feel bad for hutchie (her boyfriend, my fathers childhood friend.. and my work partner for the last few years) so i'm trying to build some support to shield myself from my aunts verbalism as it's quite severe. random example (and not an out of character act for her).. some years ago i was paying for the cable bill for her apartment and mine (she owned a house.. with my fathers money.. long story there too).. anyway, the cable bill was too much so i switched to satellite to save money and dad wanted a few extra channels only they had. so i was installing everything myself when she was at work; that way when she got back it would be all set. but she came back early and seen her TV not working so instead of any rational response she stormed upstairs (she was on the 1st floor, i was on the 2nd) and started smashing on the door screaming/swearing/threatening me. i didnt open the door.. so she went around the back way, up the porch, and smashed the satellite dish off the house with a hammer. although that was almost 10 years ago.. age has not really calmed her down much

 

[tree]

ChrisC1983

happy birthday

 

[ChrisC1983]

i always like tin toys..... i've had a couple german trollys and a lil'abner band.. with the box.... worked great.. it was so cool lol