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[Rebecca Bailey]

Hey,

basically I’m posting on here because I work as a barmaid but I’m thinking of quitting because I just don’t like the job anymore, it’s too demanding socially and i just feel like no one understands. Has anyone else whose worked in this profession felt like this? If so what did you do?

 

[Raphael Outcast]

Hey, basically I’m posting on here because I work as a barmaid but I’m thinking of quitting because I just don’t like the job anymore, it’s too demanding socially and I just feel like no one understands. Has anyone else who's worked in this profession felt like this? If so what did you do?

Yes. It was a desperate situation: I was a penniless student and taking on any work that was available, and in the mid-1990s for me that meant building work (not exactly ideal for someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and bar work (not exactly suitable for someone with Asperger's Syndrome).

In those days you had to be able to add up all the drinks in your head, and work out the correct change. I was good at that. And I was reliable and didn't steal too much, which was rare in the pub trade. And I could spell the word "accommodation" when writing a bill. So licensees appreciated that much.

We hand't heard of Asperger's back then. In 1998 I tried suggesting to my psychiatrist that I might have some form of autism, and also Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He laughed me out of court.

Eventually I got a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome diagnosis in 2003, so that explained why I got so disproportionately exhausted and depressed in what was supposed to be non-stressful manual work.

Eventually I got an Asperger's diagnosis in 2014, and in retrospect it's obvious that a bar job was just about the worst possible job for someone with Asperger's like mine. As you say, too demanding socially, and I'd say you're putting it mildly. Bar work was the most stressful and demoralizing variety of work I've ever had. I've taught classes of 30-plus in a Comprehensive school; I've driven 57-seat coaches up the motorway in heavy traffic during torrential rain. Both of those things were a walk in the park for me, compared to being behind a bar and trying to interact appropriately with the customers and co-exist with the other staff.

And no, I'm afraid there will be people who don't understand. They may think they've heard of Asperger's and the autism spectrum, and they may even think they're sympathetic to the condition, but they still won't understand it. And that applies to most mental health professionals too, in my experience of that so-called profession (1995-2017).

So good luck. You are not alone in finding bar work cosmically unsuitable for you.

Do you have a formal diagnosis, and can you wave that as a white flag to escape the expectation of doing jobs you simply can't cope with?

 

[Rebecca Bailey]

Yes. It was a desperate situation: I was a penniless student and taking on any work that was available, and in the mid-1990s for me that meant building work (not exactly ideal for someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and bar work (not exactly suitable for someone with Asperger's Syndrome).

In those days you had to be able to add up all the drinks in your head, and work out the correct change. I was good at that. And I was reliable and didn't steal too much, which was rare in the pub trade. And I could spell the word "accommodation" when writing a bill. So licensees appreciated that much.

We hand't heard of Asperger's back then. In 1998 I tried suggesting to my psychiatrist that I might have some form of autism, and also Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He laughed me out of court.

Eventually I got a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome diagnosis in 2003, so that explained why I got so disproportionately exhausted and depressed in what was supposed to be non-stressful manual work.

Eventually I got an Asperger's diagnosis in 2014, and in retrospect it's obvious that a bar job was just about the worst possible job for someone with Asperger's like mine. As you say, too demanding socially, and I'd say you're putting it mildly. Bar work was the most stressful and demoralizing variety of work I've ever had. I've taught classes of 30-plus in a Comprehensive school; I've driven 57-seat coaches up the motorway in heavy traffic during torrential rain. Both of those things were a walk in the park for me, compared to being behind a bar and trying to interact appropriately with the customers and co-exist with the other staff.

And no, I'm afraid there will be people who don't understand. They may think they've heard of Asperger's and the autism spectrum, and they may even think they're sympathetic to the condition, but they still won't understand it. And that applies to most mental health professionals too, in my experience of that so-called profession (1995-2017).

So good luck. You are not alone in finding bar work cosmically unsuitable for you.

Do you have a formal diagnosis, and can you wave that as a white flag to escape the expectation of doing jobs you simply can't cope with?

Yeah I was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome in 1997 so I was three back then. I was quite lucky that it was caught early but I’ve had my struggles I won’t lie. I don’t know how I’ve managed for 3 years behind a bar. I never wanted to do it in the first place but I didn’t exactly have job offers coming out my ears and like you I was desperate too, I was desperate to earn my own money as I’d struggled to find a job for quite some time. I think it’s time I moved on and found a suitable job.

 

[Sarah S]

Warm wellcome to the forums

Sadly i would have to agree that working in a bar with our diagnosis is NOT a good idea so i agree its time to try to find a better more suitable job .

 

[Raphael Outcast]

Yeah I was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome in 1997 so I was three back then. I was quite lucky that it was caught early but I’ve had my struggles I won’t lie. I don’t know how I’ve managed for 3 years behind a bar. I never wanted to do it in the first place but I didn’t exactly have job offers coming out my ears and like you I was desperate too, I was desperate to earn my own money as I’d struggled to find a job for quite some time. I think it’s time I moved on and found a suitable job.

In the 1990s the profession was perhaps more willing to diagnose Asperger's in children than in its existing adult customers! Still, for a girl to succeed in getting a diagnosis would be unusual, so maybe you were "lucky" to that extent.

Unless you are (a) an insomniac and (b) good at emulating the English use of English, I'm going to guess you are in the U.K. in which case the law requires your next employer to make "reasonable adjustments" for you if you declare, from the outset, that you do have a disability (which Asperger's technically is, now). Also I found out not long ago I was exempt from paying Council Tax, by virtue of "severe mental impairment": it's called a Class U exemption I think.

So the diagnosis can be a sort of Get Out of Jail Free card, occasionally at least. Of course, if the employer is not a very nice employer, then declaring yourself disabled won't actually make a lot of difference to the way you get treated, but technically the law is on your side: technically, they can't discriminate against you, and they can't expect you to cope with stuff you can't cope with.

Good luck!

Have the "experts" identified any of your superpowers? And your especially weak points? That might help you target certain varieties of employment, e.g. they said my "perceptual reasoning" and "verbal ability" were astronomical, so if an employer wanted to know what I thought I might be bringing to the table, I'd be trying to sell myself on stuff like that; and at the same time, I'd be emphasizing that I'm prone to sensory overload and my "processing speed" is really slow and I get easily confused and distressed, so obviously the employer putting me on the front desk and expecting me to answer the telephone and engage with the public would be a no-no. If you see what I mean.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Rebecca

 

[Rebecca Bailey]

Warm wellcome to the forums

Sadly i would have to agree that working in a bar with our diagnosis is NOT a good idea so i agree its time to try to find a better more suitable job .

I’ve come to realise that now. It wasn’t exactly at the top of my list but I was unemployed and had been for quite a while. I was desperate for a job and I didn’t know where else to turn. The amount of obstacles I’ve had to face since I’ve been there has been ridiculous, I think I know what I need to do.

 

[Rebecca Bailey]

In the 1990s the profession was perhaps more willing to diagnose Asperger's in children than in its existing adult customers! Still, for a girl to succeed in getting a diagnosis would be unusual, so maybe you were "lucky" to that extent.

Unless you are (a) an insomniac and (b) good at emulating the English use of English, I'm going to guess you are in the U.K. in which case the law requires your next employer to make "reasonable adjustments" for you if you declare, from the outset, that you do have a disability (which Asperger's technically is, now). Also I found out not long ago I was exempt from paying Council Tax, by virtue of "severe mental impairment": it's called a Class U exemption I think.

So the diagnosis can be a sort of Get Out of Jail Free card, occasionally at least. Of course, if the employer is not a very nice employer, then declaring yourself disabled won't actually make a lot of difference to the way you get treated, but technically the law is on your side: technically, they can't discriminate against you, and they can't expect you to cope with stuff you can't cope with.

Good luck!

Have the "experts" identified any of your superpowers? And your especially weak points? That might help you target certain varieties of employment, e.g. they said my "perceptual reasoning" and "verbal ability" were astronomical, so if an employer wanted to know what I thought I might be bringing to the table, I'd be trying to sell myself on stuff like that; and at the same time, I'd be emphasizing that I'm prone to sensory overload and my "processing speed" is really slow and I get easily confused and distressed, so obviously the employer putting me on the front desk and expecting me to answer the telephone and engage with the public would be a no-no. If you see what I mean.

No I don’t think I’ve had any of my ‘superpowers’ identified, only what I struggle with and I think that’s why I’ve found it hard to sell myself in the past. I know I’m good with numbers and I can remember dates that are important like birthdays but that’s about it

 

[Raphael Outcast]

No I don’t think I’ve had any of my ‘superpowers’ identified, only what I struggle with and I think that’s why I’ve found it hard to sell myself in the past. I know I’m good with numbers and I can remember dates that are important like birthdays but that’s about it

Um. Well, knowing what you struggle with is very useful for your own purposes, as in you can try to avoid that sort of stuff as far as possible, or at least not beat yourself up for being bad at it.

Maybe when you were a toddler your superpowers were not yet apparent. It would be difficult to see them in a 3-year-old, I suppose. But you're bound to have some: that's how Asperger's works. Do you have a photographic memory, for instance? Not sure exactly what job that would qualify you for, but the graph of an Aspie's abilities is "spiky", i.e. there'll be stuff you're lousy at and stuff you're amazing at. I'd guess your memory might be very vivid and accurate, and you could have a good head for detail. Maybe.

When was the last time you had a psychometric test, such as a Morrisby Test or a Wechsler Test? I found that kind of testing was the most useful & the most illuminating part of the whole diagnostic process. If I were trying to identify lines of work where my superpowers would be assets, and where those superpowers could even enable me to find a certain job fulfilling, I'd be referring to my psychometric test reports (Morrisby 1988, Wechsler 2014).

But I don't know if you'd be able to undergo a test like that on the N.H.S. if you've already been diagnosed, and I bet they're expensive to get done privately.

Maybe try and compile a list of your own superpowers. Your friends and family can probably see those more clearly than you can. Maybe your current employer can even see some?

p.s. Accountancy! Just thought of a girl with Asperger's I know who seems pretty happy doing something or other in some kind of an accountant's office. Amuses me because she's so colourful and charismatic and arty and feisty, and accountancy is supposed to be dead boring, but it seems to work for her. I say "girl", she's probably 30 by now. But anyway, it just goes to show you...

 

[Sarah S]

I’ve come to realise that now. It wasn’t exactly at the top of my list but I was unemployed and had been for quite a while. I was desperate for a job and I didn’t know where else to turn. The amount of obstacles I’ve had to face since I’ve been there has been ridiculous, I think I know what I need to do.

Belive me im not judging we all do what we can to follow our dream of having a job

Oh again i understand ive had to fight against all my diagnosis all my life and i got WAY further then anyone thoght but finaly i had to acept defeat and stand down sadly and go on permant disablity . i wouldent have lasted a week to be honest i was compleatly broken both Phycikly as well as mentaly.

And i also i have more severe diagnosis and multible ones so you cant compare with me on this so dont give up youl find a Job that suits you im shore

 

[tree]

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Thinx]

Welcome, I hope you find it supportive here.

 

[onlything]

Hi there.

Loud, busy, socially demanding and physically draining. What good is there about this kind of a job? I just left.

 

[Rebecca Bailey]

Hi there.

Loud, busy, socially demanding and physically draining. What good is there about this kind of a job? I just left.

There isn’t, hence why I’m resigning. I just can’t do it anymore, there’s so many social cues I have to follow which I don’t understand, I keep making mistakes which are too late to rectify and it’s damaging my relationships with the customers, I don’t know how I’ve managed to last three years.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

I don’t know how I’ve managed to last three years.

It's kind of like the cartoon character who zooms energetically off the edge of the precipice, and keeps on running frantically through thin air, until finally he glances around him and realizes he really can't keep this up any longer, because he's been putting all his energy into doing something which is actually impossible for him.

Then of course he plummets to the bottom of the canyon, which hopefully you will not do!

But that's kind of how I look back upon all the jobs I attempted (disastrously) to do before I got officially diagnosed at last, and now I can see why the disasters were as disastrous as they were...

Self-knowledge and understanding of oneself are really useful, I think. Knowing what one can & cannot do, and understanding why or why not.

 

[Rebecca Bailey]

It's kind of like the cartoon character who zooms energetically off the edge of the precipice, and keeps on running frantically through thin air, until finally he glances around him and realizes he really can't keep this up any longer, because he's been putting all his energy into doing something which is actually impossible for him.

Then of course he plummets to the bottom of the canyon, which hopefully you will not do!

But that's kind of how I look back upon all the jobs I attempted (disastrously) to do before I got officially diagnosed at last, and now I can see why the disasters were as disastrous as they were...

Self-knowledge and understanding of oneself are really useful, I think. Knowing what one can & cannot do, and understanding why or why not.

I think I’ve always known that it would end up like this. Working in an industry that requires brilliant social skills when you struggle with them is like trying to get blood out of a stone, you just can’t do it. I wouldn’t say I’m at the bottom but I need to get out before I do get there because I stay any longer I think that’s where I’ll end up going. I need to start looking for more roles that are suited to my abilities, something more in the background

 

[Raphael Outcast]

I wouldn’t say I’m at the bottom but I need to get out before I do get there because I stay any longer I think that’s where I’ll end up going.

Yes. Having tried the "ending-up-at-the-bottom" option several times myself, I really can't recommend it!

Many people never get to see the inside of a psychiatric ward, so in a way I am privileged to have sampled so many of them (could probably start my own thread on TripAdvisor), but even so, that isn't a good way to go...

So look after yourself!

Background is a good environment for many of us with Asperger's.

Good luck identifying work more suited to your abilities. Maybe ask those around you what they think your abilities are: they may see more of them than you do. Or then again you may have a pretty good idea yourself already.

Do you have any exam certificates, or anything of the kind that you could wave at an employer?

 

[ghostie]

Hey Rebecca, Welcome.

I wasn't really in the profession but I did sort of try to be. I used to be a mechanical engineer but I couldn't handle the working environment anymore and I needed a change. I was super stressed and depressed and not to mention confused about myself because I didn't even know what autism was and wouldn't be diagnosed until months later, and one night when I was away from work on sort of a stress leave, I woke up one morning with just one word in my mind: bartender.

And to be honest, I just kinda became obsessed with the idea. It seemed like everything I wanted to do, to be able to work in an environment like that seemed like it would be great for me. I had to leave my job because I was having real serious problems, and I have a history of not being gentle to myself if you know what I mean, and I was scared so I quit my job and I took a bartending course here.

It was really great actually, I had so much fun mixing the drinks and I did really good at it too, crushed the test, and to be honest, I still think I would make an awesome bartender.

Problem is, once I started applying to places, I realized no one would ever hire me due to my horrible communication skills. I knew that I have bad communication skills and I knew that bartenders needed good communication skills, but I was under the misapprehension that I could improve my skills just like that and get a job. Turns out, I was never honest to myself about just how bad I was and just how serious of problems I had. It was that experience that made me realize that I had to stop lying to myself and admit that I needed (a lot) of help, and then shortly after I was able to get a diagnosis and so I'm still kind of learning who I am and I don't really know what I'm going to be able to do which is very scary to me.

I still wish I could be a bartender, but in addition to the communication issues, I also have learned that I have sensory issues. I didn't even realize what it was because of all of the denial and the mental gymnastics in my head, but yeah, there's just so much sight and sound in a bar that I'm already put in an increasingly anxious state just by being there. I probably wouldn't be able to handle much pressure there so I guess bartending is just out for me which sucks but I'll keep looking for something I guess.