WolfSpirit
Not a dictionary. Or a search engine
So, after fighting all weekend with trying to register on the forum, and getting nothing but 'radio silence' from the admins when I tried the 'contact us' button, I finally tried using my tablet rather than my laptop. Success! Finally! Anyways, onto the real purpose for being here.
I'm a hyperlexic 44 yr old HFA diagnosed at age 21, with a B.A. in Linguistics, and a B.A. Honours in Psychology. Had some employment pre-diagnosis, and in process, until a heat intolerance diagnosis derailed that. Spent the better part of 15 years roughly at the University in my city, going part time, living independently (except for 1st year, when I lived with my parents). All further attempts to find employment failed utterly. Managed a volunteer research assistant position for several months on a project through the University, that's it. Have finally given up on the whole notion of employment, because I'm just not up to it any more, and it wouldn't provide me anything positive that I don't already have. All it would add is stress, and COVID aside, I'm pretty damned happy with my life and myself, and my place in the world. Well, as a general rule.
. Right now I'm in a bit of a "stressed out, comparing myself to NTs, because I've had so little exposure to autistics in way too long" state. Hence joining here.
Umm... I got involved with Autism Network International, and their mailing list during my first year of University, and 2 years before my official diagnosis. I helped organize some of the first few years of Autreats, before my life careened out of control, and managing functioning in my own daily life was about all I could handle (and often was more than I could handle.) I've been realizing lately (partly because of work with my current autism specialist/psychologist) that getting involved with ANI and with self-advocasy (waaay back before anybody had even conceived of the term 'neurodiversity', and society denied we could possibly have any insight into our own lives) and with the disability rights movement in general were some of the best things I've ever done for myself. TOTALLY changed my perspective of myself, and allowed me to find self-acceptance and later, self-compassion. (Although that had an awful lot to do with the developmental pediatrician who diagnosed me, and later became a huge support and advocate, after she offered to help me past just diagnosis, 'until my life calmed down'. Which took about a decade. Oops! Who could've known?)
Reading the published stories of other autistics, and other things on autism in the last few years (after mostly avoiding the topic for a while), I've come to realize that I've been quite lucky in my lifetime, as an adult, anyways, in that I was diagnosed early (for an adult, and for a female), and that I had the sustained, incredible support of a wonderfully well-informed autism professional who actually 'got it' (and still does), and also saw us as real, worthwhile people, rather than just 'cases' that needed to be 'fixed'. Granted, I was the one who sought out, well, practically all of the good things that have come my way, support wise, and ... recognition wise and ... such. I had to fight the system, and well, just about everybody, for 2 years, just to get a diagnosis. Back when there were no professionals doing adults, and I now realize, just after Asperger's was even recognized in North America, and people even knew that 'high functioning' forms could exist. I'm sure I don't have to go into detail here about the difficulty we have in getting recognized when we're intelligent, and have superficially adequate speech, and can periodically summon up the huge amounts of energy necessary to come up with some approximation of 'passing'.
Interestingly, I had no problems getting a communication disorder diagnosis, but the autism one... was much harder! And yet, as it turns out, blatantly obvious once I finally got an assessment by someone who knew what they were looking at. (Learning disability specialist, not autism one, and not the one that resulted in my eventual diagnosis, though it was fundamental.)
Anyways, focusing too much on 'ancient history' here. The reason I'm here, as I said before, is because I've started comparing myself to NTs, rather than autistics (anyone here use the term 'AC's, like ANI did/does? I find myself to slip into using it. Not sure what the terminology is here, nor the abbreviations, other than NT, of course.), and I've been having trouble since Christmas with some functioning issues, including verbal communication. - The useful kind, that is, not the superficial kind. Once I realized what comparisons I was making, and the self-defeating nature of that, and the reasons for it, I thought I should try to remedy the problem. At least find the right social group to compare myself to, so I can make valid comparisons! (I hope). Given that I'm hyperlexic, and first learned to communicate meaningfully through writing (as a teen), and still communicate best that way, I decided that was the best option, rather than trying to connect with my local self-advocacy group, which doesn't have an online option. (other than Facebook, I think, but I'm SOOO not doing that!)
My last videoconference with my autism specialist didn't go as planned, because of my communication difficulties, which is what started this mental downward slide I've found myself in. I know that now I've explained the problem in writing since, she'll understand, but we haven't met again yet, and she's presumably been too busy to respond to any of my emails, (COVID and everything stressing everyone out, and requiring much technology for her to do her job), so... I'm fretting. And my oldest niece's wedding last weekend exacerbated the issue. I didn't go, 'cause it was in another province, but mom ended up making a big deal about it all, and I didn't have it in me to say as many of the socially appropriate things I normally would be able to manage, ... and stuff. Again, berating myself for not being NT, even though I'd long since been trained out of that prior.
.
Umm... oh yeah, part of the problem is that before about 2 years ago, and after my graduation from University, I had a number of years where I had gotten into a really good place mentally and functionally, largely because the demands on me were so low, so... I started expecting myself to be able to do stuff when I wanted to, and be able to function, and 'compete' so to speak, with the NT world around me, and ... stuff. And now that life's gotten more challenging, I keep forgetting I'm even dealing with stress, and that stress + autistic brain = loss of functioning. Never mind that it's perfectly 'normal' for lack of a better word, and perfectly acceptable and ... all that, and not to get upset with myself about it.
Oh yeah, I should mention that in University I had a prolonged period of pretty significant autistic catatonia, (which thankfully relented when my life did, well, eventually) and between being a child abuse survivor and the usual crap that being disabled in a nondisabled world brings, never mind when you try to force yourself into finding your own place in their world, Umm...yeah. My standards for what qualifies as "stressful" is pretty high. (Suffice it to say, I've been through enough trauma for three lifetimes, as I have taken to saying to people who need to know, but don't know me).
As for COVID, I'm actually pretty lucky, since I'm on disability, my financial stability hasn't been affected, I'm in a pretty good housing situation. (except when my landlady drives me crazy, but that's another story), my routine is basically the same as before, although where I go for my daily walk is different (used to be a lot of bookstores and libraries, and sometimes other stores.) and I don't need a lot of socialization, so I'm good there. On the other hand, because my life is basically the same as before, and other than being exhausted after helping mom deal with her heart surgery last winter, I was in a good place mentally prior to COVID, and developed oodles of coping skills as a result of all the previous stresses in my life, I've had a hard time recognizing the stresses that COVID has brought, and how, or even if, they're affecting me. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, I'm dealing with COVID fatigue, and have been for months, and yes, there's a bunch of stressors that I have that I wouldn't have if it weren't for COVID (the usual stuff that's probably background for those more involved with the world than I am, and than my mom is, for that matter.), but... when I think of "stressful" or anything like that, I think of the years growing up undiagnosed, and being constantly berated and denigrated for not being able to 'measure up', or all the years at University when I was barely functional, and had people all around me (except for a few) expecting things from me I couldn't do, and people who didn't understand autism, especially in an intelligent female. I don't think about now.
Anyways, there's more, but I've probably overloaded most people's capacity for processing language in one go, now, so I'll leave the rest for later.
I'm a hyperlexic 44 yr old HFA diagnosed at age 21, with a B.A. in Linguistics, and a B.A. Honours in Psychology. Had some employment pre-diagnosis, and in process, until a heat intolerance diagnosis derailed that. Spent the better part of 15 years roughly at the University in my city, going part time, living independently (except for 1st year, when I lived with my parents). All further attempts to find employment failed utterly. Managed a volunteer research assistant position for several months on a project through the University, that's it. Have finally given up on the whole notion of employment, because I'm just not up to it any more, and it wouldn't provide me anything positive that I don't already have. All it would add is stress, and COVID aside, I'm pretty damned happy with my life and myself, and my place in the world. Well, as a general rule.
. Right now I'm in a bit of a "stressed out, comparing myself to NTs, because I've had so little exposure to autistics in way too long" state. Hence joining here.Umm... I got involved with Autism Network International, and their mailing list during my first year of University, and 2 years before my official diagnosis. I helped organize some of the first few years of Autreats, before my life careened out of control, and managing functioning in my own daily life was about all I could handle (and often was more than I could handle.) I've been realizing lately (partly because of work with my current autism specialist/psychologist) that getting involved with ANI and with self-advocasy (waaay back before anybody had even conceived of the term 'neurodiversity', and society denied we could possibly have any insight into our own lives) and with the disability rights movement in general were some of the best things I've ever done for myself. TOTALLY changed my perspective of myself, and allowed me to find self-acceptance and later, self-compassion. (Although that had an awful lot to do with the developmental pediatrician who diagnosed me, and later became a huge support and advocate, after she offered to help me past just diagnosis, 'until my life calmed down'. Which took about a decade. Oops! Who could've known?)
Reading the published stories of other autistics, and other things on autism in the last few years (after mostly avoiding the topic for a while), I've come to realize that I've been quite lucky in my lifetime, as an adult, anyways, in that I was diagnosed early (for an adult, and for a female), and that I had the sustained, incredible support of a wonderfully well-informed autism professional who actually 'got it' (and still does), and also saw us as real, worthwhile people, rather than just 'cases' that needed to be 'fixed'. Granted, I was the one who sought out, well, practically all of the good things that have come my way, support wise, and ... recognition wise and ... such. I had to fight the system, and well, just about everybody, for 2 years, just to get a diagnosis. Back when there were no professionals doing adults, and I now realize, just after Asperger's was even recognized in North America, and people even knew that 'high functioning' forms could exist. I'm sure I don't have to go into detail here about the difficulty we have in getting recognized when we're intelligent, and have superficially adequate speech, and can periodically summon up the huge amounts of energy necessary to come up with some approximation of 'passing'.
Interestingly, I had no problems getting a communication disorder diagnosis, but the autism one... was much harder! And yet, as it turns out, blatantly obvious once I finally got an assessment by someone who knew what they were looking at. (Learning disability specialist, not autism one, and not the one that resulted in my eventual diagnosis, though it was fundamental.)
Anyways, focusing too much on 'ancient history' here. The reason I'm here, as I said before, is because I've started comparing myself to NTs, rather than autistics (anyone here use the term 'AC's, like ANI did/does? I find myself to slip into using it. Not sure what the terminology is here, nor the abbreviations, other than NT, of course.), and I've been having trouble since Christmas with some functioning issues, including verbal communication. - The useful kind, that is, not the superficial kind. Once I realized what comparisons I was making, and the self-defeating nature of that, and the reasons for it, I thought I should try to remedy the problem. At least find the right social group to compare myself to, so I can make valid comparisons! (I hope). Given that I'm hyperlexic, and first learned to communicate meaningfully through writing (as a teen), and still communicate best that way, I decided that was the best option, rather than trying to connect with my local self-advocacy group, which doesn't have an online option. (other than Facebook, I think, but I'm SOOO not doing that!)
My last videoconference with my autism specialist didn't go as planned, because of my communication difficulties, which is what started this mental downward slide I've found myself in. I know that now I've explained the problem in writing since, she'll understand, but we haven't met again yet, and she's presumably been too busy to respond to any of my emails, (COVID and everything stressing everyone out, and requiring much technology for her to do her job), so... I'm fretting. And my oldest niece's wedding last weekend exacerbated the issue. I didn't go, 'cause it was in another province, but mom ended up making a big deal about it all, and I didn't have it in me to say as many of the socially appropriate things I normally would be able to manage, ... and stuff. Again, berating myself for not being NT, even though I'd long since been trained out of that prior.
.Umm... oh yeah, part of the problem is that before about 2 years ago, and after my graduation from University, I had a number of years where I had gotten into a really good place mentally and functionally, largely because the demands on me were so low, so... I started expecting myself to be able to do stuff when I wanted to, and be able to function, and 'compete' so to speak, with the NT world around me, and ... stuff. And now that life's gotten more challenging, I keep forgetting I'm even dealing with stress, and that stress + autistic brain = loss of functioning. Never mind that it's perfectly 'normal' for lack of a better word, and perfectly acceptable and ... all that, and not to get upset with myself about it.
Oh yeah, I should mention that in University I had a prolonged period of pretty significant autistic catatonia, (which thankfully relented when my life did, well, eventually) and between being a child abuse survivor and the usual crap that being disabled in a nondisabled world brings, never mind when you try to force yourself into finding your own place in their world, Umm...yeah. My standards for what qualifies as "stressful" is pretty high. (Suffice it to say, I've been through enough trauma for three lifetimes, as I have taken to saying to people who need to know, but don't know me).
As for COVID, I'm actually pretty lucky, since I'm on disability, my financial stability hasn't been affected, I'm in a pretty good housing situation. (except when my landlady drives me crazy, but that's another story), my routine is basically the same as before, although where I go for my daily walk is different (used to be a lot of bookstores and libraries, and sometimes other stores.) and I don't need a lot of socialization, so I'm good there. On the other hand, because my life is basically the same as before, and other than being exhausted after helping mom deal with her heart surgery last winter, I was in a good place mentally prior to COVID, and developed oodles of coping skills as a result of all the previous stresses in my life, I've had a hard time recognizing the stresses that COVID has brought, and how, or even if, they're affecting me. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, I'm dealing with COVID fatigue, and have been for months, and yes, there's a bunch of stressors that I have that I wouldn't have if it weren't for COVID (the usual stuff that's probably background for those more involved with the world than I am, and than my mom is, for that matter.), but... when I think of "stressful" or anything like that, I think of the years growing up undiagnosed, and being constantly berated and denigrated for not being able to 'measure up', or all the years at University when I was barely functional, and had people all around me (except for a few) expecting things from me I couldn't do, and people who didn't understand autism, especially in an intelligent female. I don't think about now.
Anyways, there's more, but I've probably overloaded most people's capacity for processing language in one go, now, so I'll leave the rest for later.
You know that's a dangerous question to someone who's likely to give you a real, (and detailed) answer, right?! 
. (I'm famous for them. ... One of those autistic traits, I'm told.)
