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New & just saying "hi"

veloYvette

New Member
Started to feel like things were falling apart at work, and I think I've re-entered a self-discovery phase. One might call it an existential crisis, questioning why am I doing what I'm doing. And I'm just flat out exhausted. My normal response is to hide out, avoid, or better yet, run away from the problem entirely. Instead, my doctor suggested I was depressed. Well I've never done pharmaceuticals, but I've seen therapists at various points in my life. Usually during very stressful times, when I feel like I've just hit a wall, and I'm exhausted & can't keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing. Because at my core I realize that whatever I'm doing is maladaptive. But I don't know how to fix things & I flounder.

I work in a field now where I'm exposed to an array of individuals across the lifespan with various disabilities, including those neurodiverse. ASD, autism, intellectual disabilities. Wonderful amazing people of differing abilities. And then wondering if perhaps I was overlooked. I never really struggled in school academically, in fact that part came pretty easy. Where I struggled most was socially. Never really "got it" at least when looking back. Friends came & went, various points was "dumped" by certain cliques, and usually I felt like I screwed things up.

Well anyway. My family would tell me things about my early childhood that to me stood out & seemed, well, different or weird. My mom called me "busy", hyperalert, strong, strong-willed, & with "no-fear". Neighbors used to bring me home, asking my mom, " does this belong to you?" At least I quit the wandering by about the age of 3, or so. I had a snail circus at age 3. I was fascinated with them, and frogs. I loved to sing, and make up songs, plus I would bounce on this bouncy horse (suspected on large metal springs) for hours, eventually driving my family bonkers to where they finally disposed of this toy. Then I had the swings outside & there I swung for hours on end to my heart's content. Then there was the head banging/body rocking when I was frustrated, bored, tired which I continued to do to my family's dismay until maybe the age of 5 or 6. I think my siblings' teasing finally cured me of that habit. I was hyper active, that I remember, spent frequent time alone sitting outside the classroom well into the first grade.

My 1st grade teacher accused me of "acting like a child" and interrogated my mom why I, being a girl, preferred the company of boys. Finally an insightful classroom aide noticed I finished my classwork ahead of my peers, and that I was essentially bored, so they gave me more stimulating work to do to keep me busy. Well, my older sister did basically teach me to read by phonics before Kindergarten, when most kids were still learning the alphabet! But I was not gifted, actually they tested me but I failed. I stayed mainstream, which was fine with me because the work was easy.

I've done my share of reading about different developmental delays, ASD, Asperger's. I doubt that they ever considered girls having either when I was a child, which was 40 + years ago. Which brings me to the present, again questioning myself. Could I have had Asperger's never known it? Why am I not like my colleagues, why are some things harder for me, why can't I "do emotion" very well or at all? Like most of us, I'm just looking for answers, ways that I can better navigate this often confusing world. Wish I could once & for all just figure myself out! Thanks for listening.
 
Started to feel like things were falling apart at work, and I think I've re-entered a self-discovery phase. One might call it an existential crisis, questioning why am I doing what I'm doing. And I'm just flat out exhausted. My normal response is to hide out, avoid, or better yet, run away from the problem entirely. Instead, my doctor suggested I was depressed. Well I've never done pharmaceuticals, but I've seen therapists at various points in my life. Usually during very stressful times, when I feel like I've just hit a wall, and I'm exhausted & can't keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing. Because at my core I realize that whatever I'm doing is maladaptive. But I don't know how to fix things & I flounder.
I work in a field now where I'm exposed to an array of individuals across the lifespan with various disabilities, including those neurodiverse. ASD, autism, intellectual disabilities. Wonderful amazing people of differing abilities. And then wondering if perhaps I was overlooked. I never really struggled in school academically, in fact that part came pretty easy. Where I struggled most was socially. Never really "got it" at least when looking back. Friends came & went, various points was "dumped" by certain clicks, and usually I felt like I screwed things up. Well anyway. My family would tell me things about my early childhood that to me stood out & seemed, well, different or weird. My mom called me "busy", hyperalert, strong, strong-willed, & with "no-fear". Neighbors used to bring me home, asking my mom, " does this belong to you?" At least I quit the wandering by about the age of 3, or so. I had a snail circus at age 3. I was fascinated with them, and frogs. I loved to sing, and make up songs, plus I would bounce on this bouncy horse (suspected on large metal springs) for hours, eventually driving my family bonkers to where they finally disposed of this toy. Then I had the swings outside & there I swung for hours on end to my heart's content. Then there was the head banging/body rocking when I was frustrated, bored, tired which I continued to do to my family's dismay until maybe the age of 5 or 6. I think my siblings' teasing finally cured me of that habit. I was hyper active, that I remember, spent frequent time alone sitting outside the classroom well into the first grade. My 1st grade teacher accused me of "acting like a child" and interrogated my mom why I, being a girl, preferred the company of boys. Finally an insightful classroom aide noticed I finished my classwork ahead of my peers, and that I was essentially bored, so they gave me more stimulating work to do to keep me busy. Well, my older sister did basically teach me to read by phonics before Kindergarten, when most kids were still learning the alphabet! But I was not gifted, actually they tested me but I failed. I stayed mainstream, which was fine with me because the work was easy.
I've done my share of reading about different developmental delays, ASD, Asperger's. I doubt that they ever considered girls having either when I was a child, which was 40 + years ago. Which brings me to the present, again questioning myself. Could I have had Asperger's never known it? Why am I not like my colleagues, why are some things harder for me, why can't I "do emotion" very well or at all? Like most of us, I'm just looking for answers, ways that I can better navigate this often confusing world. Wish I could once & for all just figure myself out! Thanks for listening.
Hello Yvette. I also felt like I was very weird when I was a little girl. I have heard the same words from people interrogating me why I was never amongst girls. I've been pointed out as "the girl that likes what men like" lol. Also, I am relieved that Asperger is not perceived as a "male syndrome" anymore.

Welcome and I hope you feel comfortable here!
 
Welcome to Autismforums, Yvette. I think it is quite assuring to hear some of you life story. I appreciate you sharing it. I look forward to your interaction in this forum. I think Your questions are great ones to ask. Certainly me and others may relate an many others may share how they answered their similar questions. Thank you for stepping into this forum; our world. I hope you find it challenging and enriching.
 
Hello and welcome. Lots of us here have been on the spectrum and not known it most of our lives, so you're not alone.
 

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