New Kid on the Block

[SDRSpark]

Thanks for this great forum!!! I found this place last night and spent a good while reading the threads here.

I'm 31/F, self-diagnosed ASD/Aspergers (to be honest I'm not sure where I 'fit' on the spectrum and I'm not sure it matters). I've strongly suspected that I'm on the spectrum for years (over a decade) but I've gotten the brush off when I've mentioned it to therapists/psychologists (the worst was, point blank "You don't have Asperger's because you have a job." but I've also been told I "have trait's of Asperger's but I'm too high functioning for a diagnosis.") I've been given a mixed bag of diagnoses, from various professionals, but never had the possibility of ASD taken very seriously.

A few years ago I discovered/learned about Sensory Processing Disorder, which as I understand it isn't recognized by the medical community as a "real" disorder yet (though there's no doubt that it actually exists, it just hasn't made it into the DSM). It explained so much about my life that I hadn't been able to name/describe (I have had meltdowns my entire life, it turns out, but didn't know what they were. I kept describing them as anxiety attacks, but I couldn't figure out why my anxiety attacks didn't look the way others' anxiety attacks did. I hadn't made the connection between sensory overstimulation and these 'attacks' - and when that particular piece finally fell into place, it was life changing. I had no idea that other people didn't experience sensory stimuli the same way I do...I thought everyone did and I just couldn't handle it for some reason. I have to wonder if I wouldn't have the ASD diagnosis by now if I had understood this when I sought treatment and had been able to express to the psychologist that yes, these "traits" do cause 'clinically significant distress'.)

Through the years I've taken at least half a dozen online tests and scored 'probable ASD' on all of them, and have been looking back through my life and writing down everything (past and present) that I think points to being on the spectrum (I'm up to 4 pages 11 point font lol.) I have multiple diagnosed family members and my mother is suspected to be on the spectrum but hasn't been evaluated.

At this point in my life I'm unsure if I'm going to go through the process of getting an official eval - by the time I figured out how all this fit together, I'm not sure there's much of value that an official diagnosis can add to my life (for the cost and the effort - as I understand, it's extremely difficult and expensive for adult women.) So here I am. I actually found this forum when looking for further information on self-diagnosed autism (it's currently a contentious issue on Reddit) and found this to be a welcoming and accepting place.

So that's why I'm here. A little about me, I'm from Eastern PA, employed full time in manufacturing. My hobbies include fluorescent minerals, radios (antique/tube and modern) and more recently Software Defined Radio (SDR - hence my username) and I have a fascination with electricity and build Tesla coils (and collect and restore antique electrical equipment. Translation: I've actually lost count of how many Tesla coils I actually possess LOL) I plan on getting my Amateur Radio license, but haven't gotten around to it yet, but I spend a good amount of time listening to shortwave. I grew up in the 90s and love '90s kid' memes (or any memes, really - I spend way too much time on Facebook).

Nice to meet you all! *waves*

 

[tree]

 

[Tom]

The idea that you can't be on the spectrum if you have a job is just ridiculous. Those NTs who say that give themselves too much credit. Many of us here are employed or had long careers. We can be quite successful in fact. We still have homo sapiens sapiens brains (there are two 'sapiens' in our official species name) and it is far from impossible to learn to adapt and succeed in the NT world around us. On the flip side there are many NTs who have problems with employment.

The medical profession as a whole doesn't have a good handle on HFA. It can be quite difficult to diagnose. So much easier to pretend it doesn't exist and hope we go away.

Fluorescent minerals is a new one on me. Had to look it up. Pretty colors! Wollastonite, is my favorite cause the name makes me happy saying it.

 

[SDRSpark]

The idea that you can't be on the spectrum if you have a job is just ridiculous. Those NTs who say that give themselves too much credit. Many of us here are employed or had long careers. We can be quite successful in fact. We still have homo sapiens sapiens brains (there are two 'sapiens' in our official species name) and it is far from impossible to learn to adapt and succeed in the NT world around us. On the flip side there are many NTs who have problems with employment.

The medical profession as a whole doesn't have a good handle on HFA. It can be quite difficult to diagnose. So much easier to pretend it doesn't exist and hope we go away.

Fluorescent minerals is a new one on me. Had to look it up. Pretty colors! Wollastonite, is my favorite cause the name makes me happy saying it.

I agree that it's ridiculous. That whole counselling center (the ONLY one in my geographic area at the time, so I didn't have options) was atrocious. They didn't listen to me and then proceeded to diagnose me with THREE class B personality disorders (when I moved and started working with different psychologists, they were horrified because that diagnosis was laughably wrong. Not even close. Not even in the ballpark.)

Fluorescent minerals are awesome. Fluorite is my favorite. I've spent entirely too much money on fluorescent specimens and UV lights...it's a rabbit hole I tell you. (I'd be a lot better off financially if I didn't have expensive hobbies.)

 

[Tom]

P.S. I sort of guessed from your title you were a 90's kid.

 

[SDRSpark]

P.S. I sort of guessed from your name you were a 90's kid.

View attachment 56073

Haha that's awesome. I had actually forgotten about that, but the idiom stuck with me.

 

[BraidedPony]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Lemon Zing]

Makes me think of the famous American boy band.

Oh oh, oh oh. Oh oh, oh oh. The right stuff!

 

[Pats]

Hello and welcome. You sounds like me, except I had a couple notebooks full of things I had written down from my past that I realized was autism. (But then I had 59 years of stuff to think and write about, too.) lol I also heard the working thing a few times and it's ridiculous - maybe worked, but they have no idea how difficult it was. And (from family and doctors) the fact that I did it - I lived and survived all those years. What the heck? Was there an option? (Well, guess there was, but you know what I mean). But I did get officially diagnosed, but masking all my life to the point that my insides and outsides never came close to matching up - I had to remind myself a lot to not just answer questions with the doctor what would best fit as I normally would. A couple times I had to correct my answers. Yes, I answered that way because it seems most normal, but that's not what I actually do.

Anyway, welcome to here and hope you find yourself among friends here.

 

[Wolfnox]

Hello and welcome. I miss the 90s cartoons. They were so much better then.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[rubicks52]

Hello and welcome! Your hobbies sound like a lot of fun.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Welcome SDRSpark - I think this is the right place for you.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

I agree that it's ridiculous. That whole counselling center (the ONLY one in my geographic area at the time, so I didn't have options) was atrocious.

If you are in the USA, see Autlanders- Observations of a 2e Centurion: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[FreeDiver]

the worst was, point blank "You don't have Asperger's because you have a job." but I've also been told I "have trait's of Asperger's but I'm too high functioning for a diagnosis.") I've been given a mixed bag of diagnoses, from various professionals, but never had the possibility of ASD taken very seriously.

When it come to employment. there are four things that are an aspie's worst enemy. Interviews, resumes, co-workers(social interactions as well) and the occasional sensory bombardment ie. buzzing florescent lights, etc.

A few years ago I discovered/learned about Sensory Processing Disorder, which as I understand it isn't recognized by the medical community as a "real" disorder yet (though there's no doubt that it actually exists, it just hasn't made it into the DSM).

I was aware I had a some form of sensory issues when I was younger. But I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. When I was in school. I would just try to tough it out and hope that I would just get over it. After all. I had all the other students in the class demonstrate that they had no problem with it. So why should I. I wasn't just persuaded to do it. I was also motivated to do so as well because I wanted to fit in with the others students. One of the things I would do was ask the teacher to leave in the middle of class to go to the restroom. I never really had to go. I just wanted to go in that room, turn off the light and just let my brain drain. The thing was. It didn't get better. it got worse. It was a lot like a coach telling an athlete with a nee injury, "No pain No gain" and just keep working at it.

At this point in my life I'm unsure if I'm going to go through the process of getting an official eval.

My advice to you is. Do your research. Take your time. And when you reach a point of certainty. Then go have it done professionally to finally put it in writing.

A little about me, I'm from Eastern PA, employed full time in manufacturing. My hobbies include fluorescent minerals, radios (antique/tube and modern) and more recently Software Defined Radio (SDR - hence my username) and I have a fascination with electricity and build Tesla coils (and collect and restore antique electrical equipment. Translation: I've actually lost count of how many Tesla coils I actually possess LOL) I plan on getting my Amateur Radio license, but haven't gotten around to it yet

Electronics is one of my hobbies as well. As far as SDR goes. I have a HackRF and one of those European TV USB Dongles for my hardware and use HDSDR on Windows as well as GnuRadio and gqrx on Linux for software. I also built a RF Tesla coil using one of those Russian GU-81 power tubes. here's a video of it

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forums.
I have the hobby or collecting rocks and minerals also.
All different odd types. Have them setting around all over the place.
I know what you mean by expensive. But, I can't resist!
Hope you enjoy it here. I certainly have.
Here is one of my stones, Azurite. I found this in a field and it isn't native to here.

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome!

 

[SDRSpark]

Hello and welcome. You sounds like me, except I had a couple notebooks full of things I had written down from my past that I realized was autism. (But then I had 59 years of stuff to think and write about, too.) lol I also heard the working thing a few times and it's ridiculous - maybe worked, but they have no idea how difficult it was. And (from family and doctors) the fact that I did it - I lived and survived all those years. What the heck? Was there an option? (Well, guess there was, but you know what I mean). But I did get officially diagnosed, but masking all my life to the point that my insides and outsides never came close to matching up - I had to remind myself a lot to not just answer questions with the doctor what would best fit as I normally would. A couple times I had to correct my answers. Yes, I answered that way because it seems most normal, but that's not what I actually do.

Anyway, welcome to here and hope you find yourself among friends here.

Masking makes it tough. I realized too, I masked like crazy (as best I could) in my early 20s. I didn't consider seriously trying to get an ASD diagnosis...I just wanted to survive and not get locked up in the process. Earlier experiences had made me terrified of being involuntarily committed. I learned to downplay my symptoms in order to avoid this. Which certainly impeded the diagnosis process (although that first counseling center had all sorts of things wrong and was just incompetent in general, which didn't exactly make me feel comfortable enough to open up.) Today I'm comfortable enough to go in and actually tell someone my actual problems (my views on things have changed over the years too and I doubt I'd be seen as utterly delusional as my understanding of what's going on in my mind has changed.)

I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can actually be helped, but I'm not sure I need it now that I know.

When it come to employment. there are four things that are an aspie's worst enemy. Interviews, resumes, co-workers(social interactions as well) and the occasional sensory bombardment ie. buzzing florescent lights, etc.

For me it was the PEOPLE. I realized I can NOT deal with working retail. I would get wound up/melt down within a couple hours. I can't handle not being able to do one thing at a time, and in retail (I worked a gas station/deli) you're expected to do about 20 things at a time, while constantly being distracted.

I spent all my days in a rage, and couldn't understand (I had no knowledge of sensory issues at the time) why I would get so angry that people were there, talking to me...but I'd turn my rage inward (because I didn't REALLY want to hurt that little old lady) and take it out on myself. Slammed my fingers in the cash register drawer, screaming, and I remember one night sitting on the floor, banging my head into the side of the safe and crying "why won't they go away...why won't they go away?"

I had no idea why any of this happened and described this as a panic attack. Years later, I'm thinking...duh. I also have no idea how I wasn't involuntarily committed. Thinking back, I've never masked as well as I thought I did.

Now I have a well paying skilled labor job which I like. It's loud (machine shop) and the lights are bright...but I can wear hearing protection and the lights don't bother me that much. I can focus on my work without being pulled away/redirected constantly (most of the time. There are certain duties which I am really not suited to and I've had meltdowns at work but it's rare.) I'm good at manufacturing (actually, better than many. My attention to detail is incredible if I'm allowed to actually focus on a task.)

If you saw me today, you'd probably think that not too much was wrong (well, if you interact with me you'd probably see it, I realized today that, one on one, I can make eye contact, but out in public my eyes are all over the place.) but I live on my own, make a good wage, just bought a new car...the outward markers of functionality are mostly in place. Once you get to know me, you find out I'm a messy recluse.

If I suddenly had to go back to working at a gas station, it would all fall apart. I'm really lucky that my skills are such that if I lose my current job, I'll likely have no trouble at all finding other employment. I have an inbox full of recruiting emails (that I've ignored). So for me a big part of functioning/masking is not letting myself be put in situations where I can't be my best/most functional self. It means setting boundaries. It means saying "no, I cannot do the thing, it will cost me too much energy and I'll get burned out, and if that happens it won't be a good time." It means occasionally having to argue that point with people, and with myself (because sometimes, I really want to do the thing, so I think I can make an exception this once.) Basically, I have to know my limits and respect them and then I do alright.

I was aware I had a some form of sensory issues when I was younger. But I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. When I was in school. I would just try to tough it out and hope that I would just get over it. After all. I had all the other students in the class demonstrate that they had no problem with it. So why should I. I wasn't just persuaded to do it. I was also motivated to do so as well because I wanted to fit in with the others students. One of the things I would do was ask the teacher to leave in the middle of class to go to the restroom. I never really had to go. I just wanted to go in that room, turn off the light and just let my brain drain. The thing was. It didn't get better. it got worse. It was a lot like a coach telling an athlete with a nee injury, "No pain No gain" and just keep working at it.

I wish I'd understood that sensory issues were a thing. My mother (bless her...I don't blame her for any of this because she was in a bad situation herself with my dad.) didn't want to see anything "wrong" and so came up with all kinds of explanations for my difficulties, from low blood sugars to the supernatural. (She's since gotten her stuff together, thankfully!) She's a lot like I am (funnily enough, I took the RITVO test and scored 158 - I told her about it, she asked to see the test and scored 144)...it never occurred to her that I wasn't normal because it never occurred to her that she wasn't normal.

I remember feeling sick and dizzy at school, and I didn't know why (I still don't know what the trigger was, other than "sensory issues") and getting so angry that my parents happened to be having a conversation in the same room I was in that I started slamming my hand on the desk (prompting anger from my dad, of course, and I just couldn't understand why I was so angry.)

Now, the person chewing too loudly three tables away doesn't ruin my lunch break because I just put my earmuffs back on. LOL working in a place where the use of hearing protection is expected and encouraged is a good thing. It's a bit odd to wear it at lunch but no one has ever said anything about it.

Electronics is one of my hobbies as well. As far as SDR goes. I have a HackRF and one of those European TV USB Dongles for my hardware and use HDSDR on Windows as well as GnuRadio and gqrx on Linux for software. I also built a RF Tesla coil using one of those Russian GU-81 power tubes. here's a video of it

So cool!!!

Here's one of mine:

Conical Tesla coil (No, that doesn't hurt near as much as it looks like it would!)

By the way, my workspace (actually my apartment lol) is just as messy as yours, and that makes me happy.

Welcome to the forums.
I have the hobby or collecting rocks and minerals also.
All different odd types. Have them setting around all over the place.
I know what you mean by expensive. But, I can't resist!
Hope you enjoy it here. I certainly have.
Here is one of my stones, Azurite. I found this in a field and it isn't native to here.
View attachment 56091

Beautiful!!!

Here's one of my best specimens, fluorite from the Greenlaws mine in Weardale, UK:

Greenlaws Fluorite

 

[SusanLR]

@SDRSpark
Love the conical tesla coil photos.
The colour is just like lightening.