New Neighbor with DOG

[googguy6]

One of my Aspergers symptoms is hyper-vigilance and hyper-sensitivity to sounds. Where I previously lived, I was tormented for years by a neighbor's barking dog.

Now I've moved, and until this week there has been no really close-by dog. But a new person (single female, late 60's) has moved in across the street, and even though she doesn't care for dogs, she promised her dying mother that she would look after her mother's dog.

I've talked to her about my sensitivity, and she seems cooperative. The dog hasn't really barked much at all, and I doubt a neuro-typical would be bothered by it. But it's THERE, and I can't get it out of my mind that it MIGHT back, and I couldn't protect myself from the sound.

So, what's the best I can do? Drugs? Acceptance? How would you try to cope with this change?

 

[King_Oni]

While I can identify with your problem a lot, it does sound like slight paranoia IMO.

Look at it like this... "there's something around that might eventually, on any given day, under certain circumstances, do something I don't like". And if you look at it like that, there's plenty more things that can induce stress and anxiety in the long run. Imagine the cops kicking down your front door... by mistake. That can happen as well. And how often do we read about people that end up in jail while they are innocent? Or people that got hit by a car and left wounded in the streets because of a hit and run?

How long has the dog been around? I guess, if the dog was around... say for a month or so already and it's awfully quiet, I wouldn't worry as much. And because you mentioned to her you don't like barking dogs it's nothing out of the blue when you knock on her door about the dog.

What I found that helps to drown sounds out is to have something that generates white noise (ceiling fan for instance), and obviously, close all windows and doors to make your room(s) a bit more soundproof. An open door or window will clearly let excess sound in.

Accepting that people have dogs is one, but if it gets on your nerves that much, there's only so much accepting one can do. I don't believe that medicating yourself to cope with other peoples excess sound is fine. To me it's social ettiquette to keep any sounds from your house to a minimum, and that includes pets.

When moving, did you ever consider that neighbours might have dogs? It's one of those things I am keeping in mind when looking for an appartment (and as such will most likely look for a place that has a no pets allowed policy).

 

[Aalo]

Things like these are never totally avoidable. I have two dogs that I've trained well, but for the sake of everyone, also NT's, I can only hope they're calm while I'm away. But let's think we're talking about living in pet regulated area. Your neighbor could start going on tap dance or piano lessons - and of course they'll suck at it and play out of tone for months at least. Ok, these could be discussed, so what's worst, they could get a baby. Such senseless little human is something you can't negotiate being silent with. And I can tell that they're really clever fooling you. My neighbor baby mostly yells exactly the same time over weeks - until one day you think you got the pattern and then it changes it's reasons or time for yelling. And there's nothing you can do about it except knowing it'll eventually calm down.

So yes to acceptance. People do things that cause noise, there's no escaping that. We also need to learn to get distracted from annoyances. But for what I know it could never work perfectly or it'll work just in certain situations, which is why one needs to accept that whether noises can be terrible, they don't harm anyone. If you anyone needs meds for that or to help shutting them down, I totally encourage taking some.

 

[King_Oni]

Things like these are never totally avoidable. I have two dogs that I've trained well, but for the sake of everyone, also NT's, I can only hope they're calm while I'm away. But let's think we're talking about living in pet regulated area. Your neighbor could start going on tap dance or piano lessons - and of course they'll suck at it and play out of tone for months at least. Ok, these could be discussed, so what's worst, they could get a baby. Such senseless little human is something you can't negotiate being silent with. And I can tell that they're really clever fooling you. My neighbor baby mostly yells exactly the same time over weeks - until one day you think you got the pattern and then it changes it's reasons or time for yelling. And there's nothing you can do about it except knowing it'll eventually calm down.

So yes to acceptance. People do things that cause noise, there's no escaping that. We also need to learn to get distracted from annoyances. But for what I know it could never work perfectly or it'll work just in certain situations, which is why one needs to accept that whether noises can be terrible, they don't harm anyone. If you anyone needs meds for that or to help shutting them down, I totally encourage taking some.

To some extent I guess it's unavoidable... but here's the thing that irks me more than anything in that regard.

Some people seem to make zero effort and have zero guilt towards noisy behaviour. And that in order makes me wonder why can't I have zero tolerance for that?

Perhaps I'm having a bit more "responsibiliy" and sense in me in that I prefer not to get involved with anything that does not have adjustable volume. If I can't control volume of any pets, I'll simply not get them. People should be aware of what they're getting into and it should not be a problem of the neighbours. And this includes babies, noisy kids, pets, and a probably more extensive list.

On the other hand, we have some laws around here that if you have a barking dog and neighbours complain, the cops can come over... and if it stays like this, you'll get a fine. And no pet is worth getting in legal trouble over for me (aside from the fact that I don't like animals that much). People have gotten evicted over complaints, but that's one of the "luxuries" one has for renting a place from a big corporation rather than renting from an individual.

As with pets, babies... the same. Childcare will visit you and ask why the baby is this loud all the time. I can't stand a screaming baby when I'm outside, let alone if I notice it in my own house. But I clearly have enough self-restraint to not kick that baby out of it's buggy to make it shut up. But in general, I have as much zero tolerance as some people have zero guilt for forcing their "loudness" upon me.

I've figured out a way how I will hopefully steer clear of having ongoing debates with future neighbours by looking into renting an appartment small enough that it can never house a family (pretty much bachelor appartments; which also means you cannot rent this place if you're household that counts more than 1 person; most likely has only 1 bedroom) and there are strict rules on pets. Though I guess having decent sound isolation is another way to fight noisy neighbours at all. I don't mind closing doors and windows as much if the walls are thick enough. It also means that I can be as loud as I want to be without being an annoyance to others.

 

[alien girl]

how about you do something with your windows? what about a double glazed window, what about TWO double glazed windows? you can install both. i dont know what you have in your house, but i have a window and behind it shutters, and they provide on protection at all against noise. if i had the money i'd have them replaced.
i'm also bothered by the fact that there might be noise, even if there isnt. just the fact it might bothers me, so i understand. i've even heard about noise blocking curtains, but i dont know how good those are, seeing that they cant close.

 

[googguy6]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies! I think what I need to somehow deal with is the ANTICIPATION of barking. The dog isn't barking really at all, but it's THERE, and I focus on the fact that it could bark at any time. Think of the issue of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have too much hypervigilance, I believe due to my Aspergers. Perhaps distraction is the best bet.

 

[Aalo]

googguy6, I think it's great that you've been talking to the lady about the issue. If there will be problems arising, kind notification is always the best way to act so that the owner gets to know about disturbances. After all she might have the best shot to do something about it.

It's totally true, that people ought to be more thoughtful about not casing harm for others. Things really aren't well if one neighbor is doing what ever they want, too loud, and other has to take pills being able to work, sleep or live in noise. But after all, people can get annoyed by so many things that all can't be considered. My hearing sensitivity problem in addition to that baby (who's quite silent compared to many yet it's no comfort) living the next door is my laughing neighbor. She has so annoying high pitched laugh, but I really can't go knocking on her door and tell her to stop having fun. Even thinking of that makes me feel stupid and unworthy. I feel for anyone having anxiety of these.
I too would insulate my apartment as soon as I got a place where I could be living for longer period of time, but for now I'll just have to use music to fill the silence so that I wouldn't notice noises. I'd prefer silence.

 

[supernova]

What really gets to me is parents who allow their children to scream and shout - both indoors and out. Last summer when my neighbours' grandson was doing continuous shrieks in the garden (just for the hell of it) it got too much and I said "Oh, shut up" quietly but obviously they heard and do you know what? - it stopped and he hasn't done it since. Recently in a shopping mall two small children in a pushchair were apparently in competition over who could scream the loudest - something that seemed to amuse both mothers. Suddenly a voice boomed out "Shut up!". There was instant silence and the parents scurried away looking subdued.

Sometimes, when noise is unreasonable, we have to take action just to retain our sanity.

 

[King_Oni]

Sometimes, when noise is unreasonable, we have to take action just to retain our sanity.

This!

But I want to add, and I kinda said something like this earlier I think. It's not only about accepting. There's a two way situation going on. In my opinion it's not unreasonable to ask people to keep the noise down (for whatever reason), but it also means I could close my door/window to minimize it.

What I often notice is that noise complaints rarely stem from an innocent noise that just happens. For instance, a squeaking pushchair (which one might argue, needs to be oiled) is a small thing, but a lot of noise complaints I notice are things people actually are deliberatly doing.

Screaming children are not an innocent noise... that's parents not taking responsibility to make them shut up. A barking dog? How about you take that dog indoors or just in general take care of your pet... they don't bark for nothing. The few times I actually notice dogs barking is when I notice the dog is in a yard and no one is home. Clearly you're not taking care of your pet decently, and as such, I'll be very blunt and blame it on the owner. If you can't take care of your pet 24/7, don't take a pet for crying out loud (which might be a noise complaint, lol). Crying babies... honestly, the limited knowledge I have about babies (and children in general)... quite often there is something up. When a friend of mine dated a girl with a babygirl, the baby would cry and scream... but not for no reason. It needed food, needed the potty, felt sick or anything else. And the list continues. Heck... I'd even go as far, as being loud in your own house up to the fact when neighbours here you... keep the volume down. I am not interested in your family drama through my walls.

But that's just my 2 cents.

 

[Aalo]

Screaming children are not an innocent noise... that's parents not taking responsibility to make them shut up.

In case of older kids I concur earlier points. Sometimes parents are too tired or too oblivious to noises their heir make, and kids tend to understand if corrections strangers do.
But. It is in my understanding that babies need to be taught reason, to man the fk up, at early age. If it's not time for nourishment or such, parents are often told not to go near crying baby so that it could learn that it can't get all the attention which will eventually drive parents insane and according to common belief lead child to be a spoiled touchy later on. Even screaming that won't last long can annoy, not to mention if some stubborn tuber decides to crave attention for 10 minutes. That is not negotiable. They should learn over time, and that is an indefinite measure of dire portent.
So I could see it as a matter of accepting or moving out.