New problem with my friend

[Jane Smith]

Hi guys,

So I've talked about my Aspie friend on here a lot. There is a new thing he is doing that is confusing me a lot.

As a recap: We've been friends for about a year now. I have a crush on him, and he might have a crush on me. However, he has a girlfriend, so I haven't told him my feelings.

Most of our communication is through twitter. However, for the past month this has completely stopped, and I don't know why. I'll @ him, but he won't respond. I'll also retweet tweets for him to see, but he won't look at them.

Which is weird because that's how we start most of our conversations. I'll retweet a thing he likes, and he'll leave a comment. i do the same for him. This has been a ritual for as long as we've known each other.

He'll still answer Direct Messages and e-mails, though. When I talk to him in person, he doesn't seem to have a problem with me.

At first I thought he was just busy, but he responds to all of my other friends and is pretty active on their pages.

Does anyone have a guess on why he is doing this?

I'm not mad about it or anything. I just don't understand the sudden shift.

 

[the_tortoise]

Maybe his girlfriend is jealous of some aspect of the relationship you have with him, has picked up on your feelings for him, or sees something in his behavior that makes her think he has feelings for you, and has said something to him and he is now trying to assuage her worries?

Maybe someone has made some off-hand comment to him about how close you and he are, or some teasing thing that implies romance or sexual interest between the two of you, and he has freaked out worrying that his behavior towards you is inappropriate or something like that?

Maybe he has romantic/crushy feelings for you, and feels the best way to handle that is to keep some distance?

Maybe it is just some random thing, like a technology glitch? I don't use twitter so I don't know if that's actually possible or not.....are there settings that can be switched on or off that would change whether or not he would see your tweets -- or vice versa?

Those are my guesses, but I think you would have better luck understanding the situation if you asked your friend directly.

 

[OkRad]

Hi guys,

So I've talked about my Aspie friend on here a lot. There is a new thing he is doing that is confusing me a lot.

As a recap: We've been friends for about a year now. I have a crush on him, and he might have a crush on me. However, he has a girlfriend, so I haven't told him my feelings.

Most of our communication is through twitter. However, for the past month this has completely stopped, and I don't know why. I'll @ him, but he won't respond. I'll also retweet tweets for him to see, but he won't look at them.

Which is weird because that's how we start most of our conversations. I'll retweet a thing he likes, and he'll leave a comment. i do the same for him. This has been a ritual for as long as we've known each other.

He'll still answer Direct Messages and e-mails, though. When I talk to him in person, he doesn't seem to have a problem with me.

At first I thought he was just busy, but he responds to all of my other friends and is pretty active on their pages.

Does anyone have a guess on why he is doing this?

I'm not mad about it or anything. I just don't understand the sudden shift.

I have an Aspie friend and even though I am not NT, I did not get it. He is really bad about "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" He forgets I exist when I am not in person. In person? Then I am seen. I had to distance myself from him

 

[Suzanne]

His girlfriend found out and he has decided that he rather not lose her and well, to be honest, if he is ok with you in life, that does rather suggest that the "crushing" is just one sided and his girlfriend alerted him to this fact ( because sometimes we aspies cannot see for looking).

Now that it has come to his notice that you have a crush on him, he is playing it cool, because his girlfriend means more to to him than the friendship he has with you.

 

[Bella Pines]

Well there could be a number of reasons. The first that springs to mind is that we are very hot and cold, all or nothing. I used to check facebook like 10 times a day and then a few years ago, I just stopped. So maybe it's something that he was interested in and then just stopped.

Either way, there are plenty of reasons that you can speculate about, but aspies are honest and logical. So I would suggest that next time you see him, ask in a way that does not make you sound needy, but gets an answer. So don't whine and bleat "why oh why aren't you giving me the attention I so desperately crave", instead, say with calm indifference "hey do you still check twitter, I heard that xxx is taking off" (I don't know twitch or whatsapp or something). I would hope he will then tell you what is going on in his head.

 

[Bolletje]

Ask him what's up.

 

[Jane Smith]

His girlfriend found out and he has decided that he rather not lose her and well, to be honest, if he is ok with you in life, that does rather suggest that the "crushing" is just one sided and his girlfriend alerted him to this fact ( because sometimes we aspies cannot see for looking).

Now that it has come to his notice that you have a crush on him, he is playing it cool, because his girlfriend means more to to him than the friendship he has with you.

Well, he seems like he wants to be friends with me. He just isn't talking to me as much on twitter. Like we talk in person all the time.

 

[Jane Smith]

Maybe his girlfriend is jealous of some aspect of the relationship you have with him, has picked up on your feelings for him, or sees something in his behavior that makes her think he has feelings for you, and has said something to him and he is now trying to assuage her worries?

Maybe someone has made some off-hand comment to him about how close you and he are, or some teasing thing that implies romance or sexual interest between the two of you, and he has freaked out worrying that his behavior towards you is inappropriate or something like that?

Maybe he has romantic/crushy feelings for you, and feels the best way to handle that is to keep some distance?

Maybe it is just some random thing, like a technology glitch? I don't use twitter so I don't know if that's actually possible or not.....are there settings that can be switched on or off that would change whether or not he would see your tweets -- or vice versa?

Those are my guesses, but I think you would have better luck understanding the situation if you asked your friend directly.

This is what a lot of my friends assume, too. They think someone pointed out how we talk on twitter and now he is paranoid.

We still talk in person, and our friendship isn't really affected. it's just twitter where he won't talk to me anymore.

 

[Jane Smith]

Well there could be a number of reasons. The first that springs to mind is that we are very hot and cold, all or nothing. I used to check facebook like 10 times a day and then a few years ago, I just stopped. So maybe it's something that he was interested in and then just stopped.

Either way, there are plenty of reasons that you can speculate about, but aspies are honest and logical. So I would suggest that next time you see him, ask in a way that does not make you sound needy, but gets an answer. So don't whine and bleat "why oh why aren't you giving me the attention I so desperately crave", instead, say with calm indifference "hey do you still check twitter, I heard that xxx is taking off" (I don't know twitch or whatsapp or something). I would hope he will then tell you what is going on in his head.

Yeah, I am worried I come off clingy. So I don't know how to ask! Especially since I am not really mad that he doesn't talk to me on twitter. I just thought it was weird.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yeah, I am worried I come off clingy.

There's a difference between loyal and clingy/needy.

You can chase an aspie round and they will be fine with it, even appreciate it, giving us a constant in a chaotic world. The point when it crosses the line between "being there" and "being clingy" is when something is expected in return. If someone hangs around me, that's fine, better if they make themselves useful. But then if someone gets angry at me for being "emotionally detached" or starts expecting responses from me, that's clingy. So if you ask him things with confidence and state facts, he will probably understand and may even answer.

 

[Jane Smith]

There's a difference between loyal and clingy/needy.

You can chase an aspie round and they will be fine with it, even appreciate it, giving us a constant in a chaotic world. The point when it crosses the line between "being there" and "being clingy" is when something is expected in return. If someone hangs around me, that's fine, better if they make themselves useful. But then if someone gets angry at me for being "emotionally detached" or starts expecting responses from me, that's clingy. So if you ask him things with confidence and state facts, he will probably understand and may even answer.

This is great advice! Thanks! There are a lot of things I want to confront him about actually, but am scared to. Mostly because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

None of what I want to confront him about are bad. He's just sensitive. So he might see me trying to clear things up as an attack.