New to this, taking this personal?

[Misspinky]

Hey everyone! I am currently in a new relationship with someone who told me he as asperger syndrome. I am trying to read alot about it and want to support him the best I can. We had a party last week and he said later that I said something which made him feel uncomfortable(dancing weird).

I told him no you said: look how weird I dance and I said: lol yeah thats great. Then I said sorry for making you feel that. We went home and he felt guilty that he had to say goodbye to me to focus on school, I told him it is fine and I am proud of him. We chatted and his phone died, he messaged me sweetly and after a few days he told me: i am feeling really down I will call you later. He then went to messaging me everyday but sometimes just stopped in the conversation.

I guess his emotions are too much and he is shut down maybe? I read as much as I can and read alot about people with this syndrome wanting to be alone for a period of time. I cannot help but think I did something wrong that causes him pulling away though, is this in general something personal towards the spouse or something that is needed for himself?

Thanks in advance!

 

[Mattymatt]

Hey everyone! I am currently in a new relationship with someone who told me he as asperger syndrome. I am trying to read alot about it and want to support him the best I can. We had a party last week and he said later that I said something which made him feel uncomfortable(dancing weird).

I told him no you said: look how weird I dance and I said: lol yeah thats great. Then I said sorry for making you feel that. We went home and he felt guilty that he had to say goodbye to me to focus on school, I told him it is fine and I am proud of him. We chatted and his phone died, he messaged me sweetly and after a few days he told me: i am feeling really down I will call you later. He then went to messaging me everyday but sometimes just stopped in the conversation.

I guess his emotions are too much and he is shut down maybe? I read as much as I can and read alot about people with this syndrome wanting to be alone for a period of time. I cannot help but think I did something wrong that causes him pulling away though, is this in general something personal towards the spouse or something that is needed for himself?

Thanks in advance!

I doubt that you did anything wrong. Sometimes Autism/Aspergers comes with significant difficulties in communicating emotional states and needs. I know this because it is a shortcoming of my own that I discovered through therapy. I know some days I feel really off kilter and that is the best way I can describe it but doesn't really capture what's truly going on inside. Some days the feelings are so strong that they're overwhelming and I do shut down or need to get away from something that is overstimulating. Please be careful not to misconstrue his wanting to be alone as rejection because it's not. It's simply that the world feels overwhelming, he needs the alone time to come down from overdrive, and he might not be able to adequately express this.

 

[MrSpock]

That's not a lot of information to go on, but then there can hardly ever be enough to be sure. Others may be able to give better guesses than I.

I agree with what @Mattymatt just posted.

It's possible that you could have acted differently and avoided this, but that's not the same thing as doing something wrong. He's almost certainly used to others forcing him to withdraw (if indeed that's what happened), and it's quite possible that being at a party was more responsible for any discomfort he felt than anything you may have done. He (and I, and I'm sure most here) think it's sweet that you are so concerned and you're trying to do something about it. I've responded to many threads similar to this one, but each time it's still very moving. Thank you for your open-mindedness and caring.

It's also possible that he simply needs to recharge, and would have needed this very soon regardless of what happened.

I can't say for sure if you should try to talk to him about this or simply accept that he returns when he does. If it were me (and we're all different) I would want you to tell me that you don't mind it, but would like to know more about it because it's interesting as opposed to addressing the incident as a problem that has to be avoided. He likely does try to avoid it and would not be sure that he could meet your expectations if you seemed to demand that it stop immediately and altogether.

Good luck, and please post more questions and information as you see fit provided you're comfortable with it. Speaking for myself, I have gained much help and insight from these forums and there is little in the way of community out there for us. This is a rare and precious way to feel that I contribute to my community and welcome the opportunity. I'm sure others here feel the same way.

 

[Misspinky]

Thank you guys so much! I appreciate both of your inputs! I told him it is okay and if he needs someone he can call me and that I am there for him. Then he kept texting everyday some days are better than others ofcourse, he just texted he feels ‘okay’ after I told him I had an appointment at the hospital. Wanted to keep him updated but don’t expect a certain reaction and asked what I can do to make him feel better. He went offline and now it makes me much calmer reading all of this! I will be patient was just second guessing myself to be honest.

Thank you again for your time!