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New with no ideas.

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Eblack73

New Member
Hello. My name is Eric Black. I myself have not been diagnosed with ASD. I mainly made the account so that I could try to find some tips on helping my son. His name is Raylend and he is seven years old. We just recently went through an evaluation for him that took a few days worth of all day appointments. They decided to go with an ASD, ADHD, and several types of anxiety diagnosis. I am mainly just hoping I can get some more knowledge to make his life less of a struggle.

The things I know he struggles with that I vividly see everyday are Separation Anxiety. There is some there towards my wife and myself. Though these past few months it has been directed towards his 5 month old brother Leon. I have tried to validate his feelings and ease his mind, but it doesn't seem to be working. He is not confrontational at all. He wants to be included in activities so badly that when other children treat him poorly he tends to ignore it. We have been trying our hardest to help him find his inner strength to tell the other children that they can not speak to him that way. As well as giving him different options of finding an adult to help mediate the situation, or just leaving the situation all together if he needs to calm down.

He also has a difficult time with boundaries, but I imagine that most seven year Olds have a hard time understanding boundaries. My wife and I are mostly concerned with his lack of establishing boundaries. It has not been to much of a problem yet, but I know that when he gets older it could be an issue if he doesn't learn to establish and stand firm on his boundaries. I really just want to be able to help him have more of a fun and happy life, rather than having to learn these skills at a much later age and struggle with relationships and such.

I feel I should also note that my seven year old is roughly 4' 11". Which tends to make quite a few people think that he is older than he really is, and that has also been a struggle. I mainly would just love some tips on how I could make things easier for him. I want him to enjoy his childhood to the fullest. Thank you for any help anyone will offer. It is greatly appreciated.
 
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Welcome! There are plenty here that can probably provide quite a bit of advice for such.. mine my not be as decent, but here goes..

I have not been diagnosed ASD, I may have brain damage, nerve damage or other issues of the nervous system, or simply just anxiety from birth maybe…. You’d never know it looking at me or talking to me unless you saw me over extended periods, 40yo btw.

I can recall wanting to play with other kids and never quite understanding their games, I remember not knowing my own strength and unintentionally hurting people, secluding myself in my own worlds or other aspects of our world though still welcoming of the rarity of someone wanting to partake, at such an age as your son is.

No, aside from the classroom or library I don’t have many good memories of those times, it’s not easy being outcast because of difference or misunderstanding.. but I tell you what..

I can’t say any proper method to help your son deal with those other kids or bullying, I plan to enrol my 4yo daughter in defensive arts when she’s ready to help combat that as she is assessed as an Aspie, a bit heavy on the sensory processing disorder like her dad.

But the one thing that I -can- say.. is you won’t be able to affect a lot that transpires at school.. that depends more on the school itself, their action plans and the peer base around your son.. but you can control your role in his childhood.

The biggest thing I remember from those days is my father, always stepping up and giving whatever advice he could, practicing socializing or situations with me, opening my eyes to a plethora of things to learn about and delve into, he helped refine skills that built my confidence and character, helped me discover passions and the enjoyment of accomplishment, the fruits of relaxing and going fishing, even if it’s just practicing casting in the backyard horizons flooded by tall swaths of grass and hay….

See my mother tried to use me as a trophy, a testament to her achievements (disowning all 4 of her children from 3 families, I the last to be tossed aside)..

my father just wanted me to have a better life than he did growing up, so he did what he felt his dad didn’t do for him, for me.. I imagine it was a lot of work for him, and he had to learn a lot of things just to be able to keep up with teaching me…

by the time I was about 10-12, I was starting to teach him…. We even took online college courses together in the mid/late 90’s before I was even in high school.

Just be there for him, try to listen to everything, not just what is said or spoken.. and try to do the best you can for him, whatever that may entail for him. Be his dad, as long as you’re understanding of him and continue to love him as you do, it will work out.

Course it doesn’t hurt to try to be involved in school affairs and aware of goings-on.. but meddling in the social politics of bullies can make matters worse as well. Make sure everyone is on the same page and has a good plan before shaking a beehive next to him.

I hope that’s not more worrisome.. and I hope you find comfort in the community here, a wondrous group of amazing people that are more than happy to have you.
 
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Jeepcarpenter said:
Welcome! There are plenty here that can probably provide quite a bit of advice for such.. mine my not be as decent, but here goes..

I have not been diagnosed ASD, I may have brain damage, nerve damage or other issues of the nervous system, or simply just anxiety from birth maybe…. You’d never know it looking at me or talking to me unless you saw me over extended periods, 40yo btw.

I can recall wanting to play with other kids and never quite understanding their games, I remember not knowing my own strength and unintentionally hurting people, secluding myself in my own worlds or other aspects of our world though still welcoming of the rarity of someone wanting to partake, at such an age as your son is.

No, aside from the classroom or library I don’t have many good memories of those times, it’s not easy being outcast because of difference or misunderstanding.. but I tell you what..

I can’t say any proper method to help your son deal with those other kids or bullying, I plan to enrol my 4yo daughter in defensive arts when she’s ready to help combat that as she is assessed as an Aspie, a bit heavy on the sensory processing disorder like her dad.

But the one thing that I -can- say.. is you won’t be able to affect a lot that transpires at school.. that depends more on the school itself, their action plans and the peer base around your son.. but you can control your role in his childhood.

The biggest thing I remember from those days is my father, always stepping up and giving whatever advice he could, practicing socializing or situations with me, opening my eyes to a plethora of things to learn about and delve into, he helped refine skills that built my confidence and character, helped me discover passions and the enjoyment of accomplishment, the fruits of relaxing and going fishing, even if it’s just practicing casting in the backyard horizons flooded by tall swaths of grass and hay….

See my mother tried to use me as a trophy, a testament to her achievements (disowning all 4 of her children from 3 families, I the last to be tossed aside)..

my father just wanted me to have a better life than he did growing up, so he did what he felt his dad didn’t do for him, for me.. I imagine it was a lot of work for him, and he had to learn a lot of things just to be able to keep up with teaching me…

by the time I was about 10-12, I was starting to teach him…. We even took online college courses together in the mid/late 90’s before I was even in high school.

Just be there for him, try to listen to everything, not just what is said or spoken.. and try to do the best you can for him, whatever that may entail for him. Be his dad, as long as you’re understanding of him and continue to love him as you do, it will work out.

Course it doesn’t hurt to try to be involved in school affairs and aware of goings-on.. but meddling in the social politics of bullies can make matters worse as well. Make sure everyone is on the same page and has a good plan before shaking a beehive next to him.

I hope that’s not more worrisome.. and I hope you find comfort in the community here, a wondrous group of amazing people that are more than happy to have you.
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Thank you for sharing that.
 
Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive. That confusion and difficulties fitting in and making friends is familiar to many of us here, me included. I'm 64 now, back in the day we just puzzled our way through things, no one diagnosed ASD1/Aspergers much back then, or ADHD or dyslexia either. It was strange going to school, and I didn't know how to make friends at all, though I usually did manage to have one friend at any specific time through school. Not always, but mostly.

It's understandable that the confusion and different brain functioning may cause anxiety. Different children have different strategies, so yes I agree with not assuming your son will be better off if you encourage him to speak up more. He might be, but it could also get him uncomfortable and out of his depth, his reading of others may not be accurate enough to allow him to do what some children would handle in relating. Maybe gentle practice at home with relevant games?

He maybe stands out a bit with his height, that can be hard too, especially as in some ways we do mature slower. It sounds like you are a great dad who's there for him, that's the most important thing.
 
Thinx said:
Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive. That confusion and difficulties fitting in and making friends is familiar to many of us here, me included. I'm 64 now, back in the day we just puzzled our way through things, no one diagnosed ASD1/Aspergers much back then, or ADHD or dyslexia either. It was strange going to school, and I didn't know how to make friends at all, though I usually did manage to have one friend at any specific time through school. Not always, but mostly.

It's understandable that the confusion and different brain functioning may cause anxiety. Different children have different strategies, so yes I agree with not assuming your son will be better off if you encourage him to speak up more. He might be, but it could also get him uncomfortable and out of his depth, his reading of others may not be accurate enough to allow him to do what some children would handle in relating. Maybe gentle practice at home with relevant games?

He maybe stands out a bit with his height, that can be hard too, especially as in some ways we do mature slower. It sounds like you are a great dad who's there for him, that's the most important thing.
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Thank you for the reply. Me and my wife have been looking into different ways to try and help him. It just seems very daunting at first glance.i have started to look at some the reading provided in aprevious post but have not decided on buying one yet.
 
Eblack73 said:
Thank you for the reply. Me and my wife have been looking into different ways to try and help him. It just seems very daunting at first glance.i have started to look at some the reading provided in aprevious post but have not decided on buying one yet.
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No matter if he is awkward or not, martial arts. This provides discipline, confidence, and an outlet for energy. A lot of young boys come out more secure in themselves after a year of Tai Quando, Karate, etc. These workouts are very structured and provide repetitive goals that are great for us. The masters of the school usually try to inpart self-defense goals and promote not using violence to solve issues.

My daughter enjoyed mountain climbing. REI store had a climbing mountain inside their store in Minneapolis. I also enrolled her in her choice of musical instruments. She started with piano, then to violin, and ended with a electric guitar. So anything that gives them confidence in themselves is what l am trying to say.

Thanks for helping out your son and coming to this site.
 
Please know that not understanding the social and difficulties fitting in is common for many of us here. I grew up not knowing I was autistic until diagnosed at 60. Because of my intelligence people thought I was normal and lack of social maturity was somehow a choice. That is when I could have used assistance. I never had clear boundaries and did not clearly advocate for myself until I was living independently and started working on myself to learn how to be social. Only then did I develop agency.

I hope you will help your son by listening and really hearing what he is saying. And offering appropriate help. The thing I could never do was talk about my feelings but could hint around the edges, like talking about the material things that kept me from dating rather than talking about my shyness and fear of rejection and how I felt so negatively about myself.
 
Eblack73 said:
Hello. My name is Eric Black
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Hello. Welcome to AutismForums!

Eblack73 said:
He wants to be included in activities so badly that when other children treat him poorly he tends to ignore it.
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Everyone has a strong need to belong. Many people will go to great lengths to meet this need and not care about anything else, such as boundaries, when their need to belong hasn't been met. I recommend focusing your effort on helping him feel like he belongs by teaching him about social skills and emotions since everything else becomes much more difficult when this need isn't met.
 
Your son is very fortunate to have a loving dad like you.

Dr Tony Attwood is one of the worlds leading experts on Asperger’s/ASD1 and I would highly recommend his book ‘The Complete Guide to Asperger’s’ Syndrome’. The book would be invaluable to you as childhood autism is covered extensively.

I would also suggest you check out his telecast events as I noticed that many were specifically geared towards childhood issues.

Look for Dr Tony Attwood on YouTube as well.

Links below.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=tony+att...ix=Tony+att,aps,314&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_2_8
https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/
 
Hi Eric. Be so very welcome to this forum...
I relate a litte to the situation you have just described regarding your son. I've just been diagnosed (ASD) about 3 months at age 46.

My mother happens to be one of those people who can only find joy on serving and helping other people. Since I never seemed to really care about any particular thing other than , very particular and specific interest she often asked me to give things away (toys to cousins , my turn in fun events to relatives kids., my bad to my brother´s friends and cousins when they came over to play with my brother)... She didnt do it in a bad way. She knew I wouldnt mind (my simblings wouln't and she would not even consider ask them)....

As you described when you talked about your son, if felt i had no bounderies stablished for my own self. I was everything but confrontational. Everything changed (or started to change) when my uncle who happens to be the patron of Karate in Brazil (I am Brazilian) suggested to my parentsthat I should practice karate (at age 5).

Despite the fact that interacting with other kids was not my strogest point (specially considering that I had to engage in sportive combat with them) I learned a lot lessons about how to stand my ground, competitiveness, self confidence, and so forth...

Sometimes I had to be almost forced to go to the dojo, but when I started realzing all the benefits I felt so much better about understanding and fighiting (figuratively speaking) for them.. I am not sure where exactly your son is on the spectrum, but I believe martial arts could be a good help.

Anyways, sorry for the long story long but as yoy may notice that's something very commom for most of us here...

all the best
 
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