Newbie here, need some serious advice!

[Yankeefan4life72]

i have a 22 year old son that lives at home with me and was diagnosed with aspergers at about 13 years old. I just don't know what else I can do to get through to him and feel like my ropes end is near. He is working but can't seem to be able to drive a car by himself. It is up to me to get him to and from work, which is tough because I work full time. Not trying to offend anyone here but don't know how else to say this, his oddities are driving me crazy! He paces and snaps his fingers while he carries on full conversations with himself. He won't take care of our dogs when I'm not here to remind him, I mean he lets them out but leaves them out in the heat. He doesn't appear to have much empathy at all for anyone or anything. I don't have insurance so it's very hard to find help, that's why I am here. Without giving you a life story , I'm sure you guys can give me some solid suggestions. Please help! Thanks

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

i have a 22 year old son that lives at home with me and was diagnosed with aspergers at about 13 years old. I just don't know what else I can do to get through to him and feel like my ropes end is near. He is working but can't seem to be able to drive a car by himself. It is up to me to get him to and from work, which is tough because I work full time. Not trying to offend anyone here but don't know how else to say this, his oddities are driving me crazy! He paces and snaps his fingers while he carries on full conversations with himself. He won't take care of our dogs when I'm not here to remind him, I mean he lets them out but leaves them out in the heat. He doesn't appear to have much empathy at all for anyone or anything. I don't have insurance so it's very hard to find help, that's why I am here. Without giving you a life story , I'm sure you guys can give me some solid suggestions. Please help! Thanks

Okay, the thing that stood out most was that you perceived it as a lack of empathy, but that's simply not true. Aspies have empathy but simply don't know how to express it. Also, the pacing and snapping may either be unconscious or just a stim. I find myself pacing but I internalize my thoughts. Try reminding him when he's doing it. I can't help with any other problems you're dealing with but I can clear that up. Also, just keep in mind, not all aspies are the same. Just don't develop stereotypes. It's a spectrum remember. Plus, he's your son. Best of luck.

 

[Warmheart]

Since your son has an official diagnosis, and you want him to do better at "adulting," perhaps it's a good time to get some appropriate supports for his ASD in place. Supports exist for adulots on the spectrum, as well as youngsters.

1. If you're in the US, contact your state's Department of Developmental Services. Apply for intake. Expect them to need lots of documentation. Plan on a long wait period for acceptance. But then...
2. DDS will, once your son is accepted, help you choose an autism agency for him. From that agency, he can receive services. These services will help him with executive functioning (picture schedule for letting the dogs put, then back inside.... picture schedules for laundry, doing his own cooking, etc. ....even if those things are difficult for him now.) Services will help him feel more understood.
3. Remember your own needs, even as you get Services in place for your son. Check out The Arc. There are chapters Sol over the country, if you are in the US. Ask your local Arc chapter if they have an Autism NOW Center. If so, inquire about parent groups. You can gain understanding and support there.

Best success!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hello. Welcome to the group. It must be hard for you, if you are the only parent helping your son, and with no insurance, and as you have work obligations, too. I was just curious if his mother is around to help? If not, why not? We have two small Autistic sons, and it can be hard at times, but our children have two parents at home to help.

Is there anyone at his work that could pick him up at your place and take him to work and bring him back home after, that he and you could trust? I am not sure what to do about the dog situation, as we do not have pets. Maybe others would have advice there, and about the pacing and talking to himself, as our children's symptoms show up in different ways.

 

[Ambi]

I personally disagree about all people with Aspergers having empathy - perhaps there's a mixed bag, but I actually have zero empathy. I do have sympathy - but empathy would be amazing, if I could have it. For a long time I thought I did, until an explanation of the difference really helped me figure it out. Even if I am feeling for a person, it's not what they are feeling along with them - rather, I quickly logically understand what it is that they must be feeling - it's my logic at work. And I do respond emotionally - but my strong emotional reactions are *to* that person's feelings or *to* the circumstances, rather than matching that person is feeling. It took me a while to fully understand/imagine this difference - because it is so outside of my scope of experience, I was just automatically identifying it with what I actually do experience, rather than imagining this whole different type of experience that other people have with empathy.

I think it might take a professional to be able to help develop your son's fullest potential? Or he might be functioning at the fullest, in which case he does need some assistance. I don't know if that would be advertising a part-time position for someone to come in and help (I have seen positions like that advertised). Another member here has suggested a website that I actually find helpful - they have programs for parents that you have to pay for (but probably still cheaper than other professionals, and this site is created by people on the spectrum), but I have just watched some of their free videos, and they seem helpful. Here is the site: Asperger Experts
Here are is the youtube channel with videos: Asperger Experts

 

[Ambi]

Btw....not sure if this would help at all, but I am nearly 40, lost my mom 10 years ago. As many aspies are, I am a very late bloomer, and I only self-diagnosed within the past year. It has helped me understand myself better. I still feel my emotional maturity is years below my age, but I am understanding better. But I sure do feel sorry for my mom and all she had to go through with me - she didn't understand me or how to get through to me, and I didn't understand what the issues were, or how I was coming off, and I was often angry with her. In time your son may come to understand your perspective more. As mentioned before, I did come to understand her experience better through logic - I thought a lot about it, for years.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I find lists help to remember things that should come naturally. Perhaps this might help with the dogs .. an alarm also reminding him when to bring them back in.

With the driving ... i don't drive. I got my license at 19 but have not driven since. I just turned 36. A week or so ago i went go karting which was so far outside my comfort zone i was in too much shock to be scared! BUT i found i liked it and actually started thinking about driving a real car. My main hesitation is i get distracted and concerned about everyone else on the road and what they are doing.

Public transport if available would be a good option. I am nervous and anxious when using it especially the first time to an unfamiliar place. However if you take it with him he will know what to expect and can then take it on his own.

It's all about desensitization and making routines familiar and removing associated anxiety.

 

[Mia]

As far as organization, related to tasks he should do, this might help:

What Is MagnusCards?
MagnusCards is a free app that combines a proven method of instruction with elements of game design to help people learn life skills. With Magnus as your guide, you can collect and create digital Card Decks, which provide step-by-step instructions for various social interactions, situations, behaviours, and activities. For example: grocery shopping, doing laundry, and taking the bus.

Magnusmode -

 

[Tyrantus1212]

If he's driving you crazy...then the key is to not overreact, never show the frustration outward. I've had more than a fair share of people do that in response to my behavior and it only makes things worse and lowers my self-esteem. Always remember that he's your son, he loves you and means well, and he would never drive you crazy on purpose.

Speaking of drive - I got my license in my early 20's but haven't driven regularly until I was 27. My mom and dad have been driving me to and from work until I reached that moment. I started driving more regularly after an accident where my mother broke a joint due to arthritis and wasn't able to drive at all for a week. After she got better, however, I kept on driving regularly to and from work (but for the record I work close to where I live). I just knew it's a necessity and I can't rely on my parents forever. The reasons I've been afraid to drive are my fears of hitting a pedestrian (hit and run OCD) and the fear of causing an accident. Even when I drive now I do it very slowly and super-carefully.

I snap my fingers at times...I also yell out random words, pick the skin on my fingers and lips, scratch my head when it doesn't itch - yeah it might be a stim, at least I know in my case that these are all stims (cannot stand it when the skin picking actually makes me bleed). Most of the time I'm anxious, nervous or afraid and they say it's common among Aspies; thus, multiple stims do make sense. I talk to myself a lot too.

It's correct that we do possess empathy and sympathy but can have trouble showing it. I'm especially rusty with sympathy; deep down I care but my reactions make it seem otherwise and make the other person feel guilty at times - and I don't want that! Instead of being supportive, I throw this nasty temper tantrum. That's not good at all, it makes the other person feel worse and again, sometimes even falsely guilty. I'm sure your son does have empathy (and sympathy of course) even if it's not exhibited. His heart is in the right place.

So to sum up - always keep in mind that your son would never get on your nerves intentionally. Of course, always be calm when talking to him even if he might sometimes drive you crazy, and especially if he might have low self-esteem. I drive people crazy all the time without ever meaning to.

 

[SusanLR]

I can drive, but, didn't want to because of anxiety and my safe zones. I was privately tutored to learn driving when I was 21. It never, no matter how often I drove, got to the point I was not anxious. Especially highways, freeways with elevated roads and multi lanes of cars all around me. I take the smaller back roads with less traffic and everything is slower. There was a time I would not drive alone either. Most of my life really. Same with buses, anxiety too intense.
I think a private tutor and small excursions by himself, even if it's only around the block to start with and you go with him on the bus a few times before he tries alone.
Desensitization, yes. I got better that way, not perfectly anxiety free and probably never will be after all these years. But, more functional.

I agree that lists and sticky notes can help a lot with things in general. The empathy part is just the individual's way and it's either there or it isn't. When I was first diagnosed I had difficulty understanding the difference between empathy and sympathy too. Took some time to sort the differences out. This can be a problem in getting someone to even want to be different when they are stuck in their own ways and don't want someone trying to change them. Less empathy equals more 'shields up.' I also can feel sympathy, but, low empathy.

 

[Plant13]

i have a 22 year old son that lives at home with me and was diagnosed with aspergers at about 13 years old. I just don't know what else I can do to get through to him and feel like my ropes end is near. He is working but can't seem to be able to drive a car by himself. It is up to me to get him to and from work, which is tough because I work full time. Not trying to offend anyone here but don't know how else to say this, his oddities are driving me crazy! He paces and snaps his fingers while he carries on full conversations with himself. He won't take care of our dogs when I'm not here to remind him, I mean he lets them out but leaves them out in the heat. He doesn't appear to have much empathy at all for anyone or anything. I don't have insurance so it's very hard to find help, that's why I am here. Without giving you a life story , I'm sure you guys can give me some solid suggestions. Please help! Thanks

You're going to have bad days and worse days, as a caregiver. Sounds like you had a bad day. Your son seems to be your world and you're taking good care of him. Working full time and running him around is probably keeping you isolated, as well. So here's a hug, sometimes a hug helps.

 

[Momo]

The talking to oneself, that won't change, the clicking is stimming, the driving spacial awareness issues, and the lack of empathy is just issues expressing emotion. I know a lot of aspies/auties have similar issues, I know I do. About how to go about changing them, the talking you won't be able to, the clicking might be controlled with stim toys and the likes, the dirving perhaps take the bus or train, and the emotional-expression is unchangeable as well.

 

[Plant13]

The talking to oneself, that won't change, the clicking is stimming, the driving spacial awareness issues, and the lack of empathy is just issues expressing emotion. I know a lot of aspies/auties have similar issues, I know I do. About how to go about changing them, the talking you won't be able to, the clicking might be controlled with stim toys and the likes, the dirving perhaps take the bus or train, and the emotional-expression is unchangeable as well.

Seems like you might not want to change him (impossible) so much as change your tolerance. It sounds like that's what you're saying. How do you learn tolerance? I suspect its one day at a time, pithy though it sounds. That time you spend between dropping him at work and wherever you go, you might want to try screaming in your car, sometimes that's fun. I'm not kidding. Or singing real loud. Sometimes I bang on the piano to the radio. Again, I'm not making light of this, I really try those things when I'm wound too tight and it helps.