Newly diagnosed, and I "teach" university

[Noelle]

Hi all

I self diagnosed in 2006 and received my official diagnosis a few weeks ago. While it's a relief to understand why I am the way I am and have my suspicions confirmed, I can't help feeling like I've wasted years of my life stressing about things I could not have controlled if I wanted to. Is this common? I'm high functioning and teach in a college writing program. I'm leaving my job to do a second masters degree, which will hopefully lead into post-grad work. I want to study the challenges autistic college students face in academic writing.

But I feel terrified. I've always had the feeling that I do not belong in academia-- especially education and humanities. I've always felt inferior. I feel like an imposter in front of my students and co-workers. I've been teaching for over a decade, but always feel like I have something to prove. I'm inarticulate (except when I'm mimicking something that I've heard and regurgitated), but I can hold my own writing usually, hence the job. I worry about losing credibility though and hate that so many universities have an archaic idea of what autism looks like. When I see it in my students, I have no one to go to for support in helping them. Since I don't have a background in Special Ed, and most people think I'm neurotypical (not that they've ever heard of that word), nobody I work with really takes me seriously when I try to have a conversation about potential autism markers in students. I actually feel like nobody really takes me seriously anyway (except my students when they need something), and it's exhausting trying to figure out how to talk to people so that they will actually hear me.

I'm sure this is nothing new for those of you who've been around longer than I have. I'm not young though, btw- I'll be 40 in a few weeks. Single-female-never married-no kids. This is how I like it. I no longer care whether it is "acceptable" or not. I just want to be a good teacher and feel validated by the people I work with. Sigh...

 

[Thinx]

Hi Noelle, welcome. Yes I think it's probably fairly common to have high autistic traits or Aspergers if you work in Higher education! bet you can recognise some others? Staff I mean. I worked in HE and realised while there that I had high autistic traits. My experience is it evens out again gradually after the first realisation, so just stay calm and find out relevant information. You are who you have always been, you just understand yourself in a new way, mostly that's going to be helpful. Though feels strange too? As you say, most people don't understand autism so best not to share your diagnosis at work I would say. Is this definitely a good time to leave your job? I'm not sure what country you are in, or how the system works. I hope you enjoy it here and find plenty of useful information and ideas.

 

[Noelle]

Hi Noelle, welcome. Yes I think it's probably fairly common to have high autistic traits or Aspergers if you work in Higher education! bet you can recognise some others? Staff I mean. I worked in HE and realised while there that I had high autistic traits. My experience is it evens out again gradually after the first realisation, so just stay calm and find out relevant information. You are who you have always been, you just understand yourself in a new way, mostly that's going to be helpful. Though feels strange too? As you say, most people don't understand autism so best not to share your diagnosis at work I would say. Is this definitely a good time to leave your job? I'm not sure what country you are in, or how the system works. I hope you enjoy it here and find plenty of useful information and ideas.

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately, I cannot keep my current full-time position as a lecturer and maintain a full-time course load as a graduate student. I'm in the United (Divided) States, but have lived abroad for about 12+ years. While working overseas, I managed to save up a good bit of money, which is why I'm able to do this now. I will look for part-time work at the university where I am studying.

I am very torn over whether or not to tell people I work with. Some of them know. I think those who don't know, probably wouldn't really care. Since I am leaving, it's mostly irrelevant now. I do intend to try and start an advocacy group at the university I will be attending... and try to collaborate with graduate students and lecturers from other departments (Linguistics & Special Ed) on how to address the needs of autistic students trying to meet the writing requirements. I'm studying Composition & Rhetoric and find the whole area very challenging, but if I can pull this off, I will feel extremely proud and rewarded.

Thanks again for your response!

 

[Nitro]

Hi Noelle

 

[tree]

 

[Tom]

I suspect the ranks of writers has always included many people on the spectrum. There does seem to be some connection between autism and all the arts. So you are in a natural place for an autistic.

Change is terrifying for us usually. But we make changes for a reason. Working thru the difficulties is the only way to achieve the hoped for improvement. And a good work improvement is very, very valuable in the long run.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForums!

 

[Progster]

I also have a teaching job - I am a language teacher and also teach writing and communication skills. I also have the feeling that I'm a fake and shouldn't really be doing my job - a person with Asperger's teaching communication skills? Isn't that a bit like the blind leading the blind? But the truth is, that I rely a lot on prewritten course books and scripts which help make both teaching and learning easier. Without those, I would really struggle. I feel much more at home teaching grammar and vocabulary, than speaking and communications.

I used to have a lot of difficulties with writing - planing an essay, deciding what is important and what is not important, summarizing, staying on topic and not giving too many details, not rambling, were all things that I struggled with, and at school I only managed a D, but at university, I was able to get help and my writing improved a lot.

 

[Noelle]

Thank you, Progster, and everyone else who commented here. I wish I'd known this forum existed last year. The isolation I've felt since being hit with this realization that I am on the spectrum, that it affects my students when I don't deal with it properly, and that I am in a field which demands a set of communication skills that I don't possess, has left me feeling a bit desperate for validation

Thankfully, for all the issues I have with spoken discourse, I am able to compensate in writing. But I also struggled with that as a student, especially in graduate school. As you said... the "rambling" just happens because we're in our own headspace. It's a stream of consciousness that we sometimes cannot control. My new goal is to master the art of pith. To embrace the idea of less is more. And to stop judging people who can't write well or don't really care to try.

I should probably just stop judging people full stop. It's a bit exhausting and counterproductive, isn't it?

 

[Progster]

Thank you, Progster, and everyone else who commented here. I wish I'd known this forum existed last year. The isolation I've felt since being hit with this realization that I am on the spectrum, that it affects my students when I don't deal with it properly, and that I am in a field which demands a set of communication skills that I don't possess, has left me feeling a bit desperate for validation

Thankfully, for all the issues I have with spoken discourse, I am able to compensate in writing. But I also struggled with that as a student, especially in graduate school. As you said... the "rambling" just happens because we're in our own headspace. It's a stream of consciousness that we sometimes cannot control. My new goal is to master the art of pith. To embrace the idea of less is more. And to stop judging people who can't write well or don't really care to try.

I should probably just stop judging people full stop. It's a bit exhausting and counterproductive, isn't it?

Yes, it's difficult. I struggle a lot with the communication aspects of the job, I get frustrated easily and that can affect the students, though I try not to let it. I don't feel I really connect to people and I have the constant feeling that I'm struggling to do a job that I'm not kitted out to do, which I'm not suited to. I used to teach classes in a school briefly, but I couldn't cope with various aspects of it, so I lost my job and left. I now teach one to one.

 

[Noelle]

I also have a teaching job - I am a language teacher and also teach writing and communication skills. I also have the feeling that I'm a fake and shouldn't really be doing my job - a person with Asperger's teaching communication skills? Isn't that a bit like the blind leading the blind? But the truth is, that I rely a lot on prewritten course books and scripts which help make both teaching and learning easier. Without those, I would really struggle. I feel much more at home teaching grammar and vocabulary, than speaking and communications.

I used to have a lot of difficulties with writing - planing an essay, deciding what is important and what is not important, summarizing, staying on topic and not giving too many details, not rambling, were all things that I struggled with, and at school I only managed a D, but at university, I was able to get help and my writing improved a lot.

Hi- thank you for sharing your experience as a teacher and as a student writer. I'd really benefit from communicating a bit more with you if you're up for it. I'm trying to reach out to other teachers and students in Higher Ed who are on the spectrum. I'm working on a research proposal to submit to the College Autism Network and to INSAR. I also want to find (or start) some sort of advocacy group/movement for teachers who have ASD. If you know of anything like this, please share.

I've also been teaching vocabulary & grammar for years. And fluency and presentation skills. I much prefer the vocab/grammar and writing courses. I have no business teaching speaking/fluency skills. When I do have my rare moments of eloquence, they are nearly always contrived from my ability to mimic. I devour the IQ Squared debates on YouTube and teach myself to speak like the guests on the panel. I also read a lot and tend to regurgitate what I've read, which makes me sound a lot smarter and more confident than I actually am.

Anyhow- I'd really like to talk to you more about your teaching and your experience in college writing. I'm thrilled to hear that you got some extra support there. I teach in a program designed to support students with weak writing/critical analysis skills, but my supervisors and colleagues are completely ignorant about ASD and how prevalent it is among the students in our classes. What's worse, they're kind of indifferent. If I bring it up, they say: "We're not trained for that." or "It's the student's responsibility to seek accommodation and notify us."

This is unacceptable. If you're up to talking to me, I'd really love to hear back from you. It would really help me to be in frequent contact with people here who understand my concern for teachers who have ASD and for high functioning students who fall through the cracks due to lack of awareness and support.

 

[Progster]

Hi- thank you for sharing your experience as a teacher and as a student writer. I'd really benefit from communicating a bit more with you if you're up for it. I'm trying to reach out to other teachers and students in Higher Ed who are on the spectrum. I'm working on a research proposal to submit to the College Autism Network and to INSAR. I also want to find (or start) some sort of advocacy group/movement for teachers who have ASD. If you know of anything like this, please share.

I've also been teaching vocabulary & grammar for years. And fluency and presentation skills. I much prefer the vocab/grammar and writing courses. I have no business teaching speaking/fluency skills. When I do have my rare moments of eloquence, they are nearly always contrived from my ability to mimic. I devour the IQ Squared debates on YouTube and teach myself to speak like the guests on the panel. I also read a lot and tend to regurgitate what I've read, which makes me sound a lot smarter and more confident than I actually am.

Anyhow- I'd really like to talk to you more about your teaching and your experience in college writing. I'm thrilled to hear that you got some extra support there. I teach in a program designed to support students with weak writing/critical analysis skills, but my supervisors and colleagues are completely ignorant about ASD and how prevalent it is among the students in our classes. What's worse, they're kind of indifferent. If I bring it up, they say: "We're not trained for that." or "It's the student's responsibility to seek accommodation and notify us."

This is unacceptable. If you're up to talking to me, I'd really love to hear back from you. It would really help me to be in frequent contact with people here who understand my concern for teachers who have ASD and for high functioning students who fall through the cracks due to lack of awareness and support.

I'd be very happy to talk to you further about these issues via PM.
I really struggle with things like presentations and public speaking. No good with those at all. I have no experience of the business or cooperate world and its etiquette - it's a truly alien world to me - and find it hard to teach, though there are teaching materials for that.
I suggest that you make a thread in the main forum about this, and you could also ask if there are any other teachers or former teachers out there with similar experiences.