Newly Diagnosed but Have Good Eye Contact; Seeking Feedback

[Autisticool]

Initially I feared I'd be denied a diagnosis because I can easily hold eye contact and even use a good strong stare to assert dominance or authority in sticky situations. Then I began reading posts on "eye contact" threads that some autistics have no issues with eye contact, while others can't bear it for a single second! I was vexed.

My psychologist who dx'ed me said that eye contact is no longer something that a diagnosis hangs on; that there are tons of other non-verbal cues to evaluate.

Anyone here have NO problem drilling a hole into another person's eyes when you want them to know you mean business? Or to assert control or send a strong message?

I don't mean any of you who "learned" eye contact and practiced. I'm talking about always having been able to do it. Nobody "forced" me to do it in childhood. I naturally looked into the eyes of people explaining things to me.

It comes naturally with brief interactions (seeking assistance at Walmart, other service personnel, cashiers, servers, service people at my home, asking someone at the gym if they're done using equipment, etc.). BUT when I have to listen at length to an explanation or story, prolonging the eye contact feels like a task, like ok, time to hold eye contact. It's not intuitive. Though I have no problem sustaining it, I'm aware of it, like it's a chore. It can be a little distracting. I notice pupil size, smudges on the whites, and even wonder if I'm staring too hard or if the person could see something into me. Nothing major; just minor intimations, but nonetheless, present.

I start with their left eye. I then make a note to switch to their right eye to balance it out so they don't think I'm staring. I then switch back to the left eye. Sustaining eye contact, for me, is done on a conscious level.

When I'M the speaker and must dig deep into my thoughts, I find holding eye contact difficult because it's a distraction. If it's a brief explanation, no problem. But if I'm fishing around for a good explanation of something deep or complex, I must look away. But I then remind myself to return my gaze. Then it drifts again. Then I remind myself.

Does any of this sound autistic? The psychologist said it's obvious I'm on the spectrum. The report explained how my responses to several tasks showed autism. She mentioned at times my eye contact was intense, not blinking much. Report said I missed her humor and sarcasm and took everything seriously, failed to display emotional gestures, gave narrative descriptions but not emotional.

PLEASE, PLEASE I'm hoping I get feedback from you!!! How did my autisim come with good eye contact?? Because I rely so much on MY eye contact for asserting control or dominance, it freaks me out to realize that my autism could've come with the amygdala-activating eye contact!!!

 

[tree]

 

[Magna]

One of my children who is autistic has no problem with eye contact. It's natural for him to make eye contact when he's talking to a person and it's always been that way. We never had to teach him that.

I on the other hand, also autistic, have ALWAYS had huge issues with eye contact and it's a big problem for me and always will be. It's way too much.

 

[Jordy]

A core deficit of autism is not just being bad at social/communication, but also not realizing how bad you are at it, we often can't see the signs someone gives when we do something wrong. This makes it easy to think that we are passing in some ways, while we may not be. If i recall correctly the dsm states abnormal eyecontact, not necessarily absence. Making to much eyecontact is as much of an autism thing as to little, or making the right amount but at the wrong moments.

I can also look people in the eye without anxiety or over stimulation, but i don't have any interest in it. I experience eye contact difficulties in almost exactly the same way as you described it.

Trust your psychologist that it's obvious you are on the spectrum.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Suzette]

Welcome

I abhoor eye contact except with my family. But I learned "the death stare" as self defense when I was young.

 

[Streetwise]

I stare, then feel unnerved when I lock eyes nobody taught me to do it

 

[Judge]

I can feign maintaining good eye contact. As for how long is anyone's guess. Just another form of masking my traits and behaviors to me.

It's something I had to learn on my own as a child. With Neurotypical parents emphasizing that one must maintain eye contact in order to maintain some degree of credibility.

I think this is probably another one of those Neurotypical rules, never written down. It seems to pan out that way, in any case.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I have no trouble believing that we don't all have poor eye contact. I certainly had poor eye contact but it has gotten better now that I am older and I have also learned how to fake it. My mother (I suspect was ASD) and daughter (Dxed) both had/have much less eye contact issues. The first time my daughter was assessed they noted she had too good eye contact for Asperger's (2008). In a another assessment, but with a top ASD assessment team (2018), eye contact was noted as slightly off.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Welcome @Autisticool . ASD is a spectrum for a reason. As a teen and young adult I had trouble looking people in the eyes, but then started to practice it as I began learning about body language and desired a relationship. Then, I would practice on dates and other occasions. It comes more naturally to me now, and I particularly enjoy gazing into my spouse's eyes.

 

[Autisticool]

Welcome @Autisticool . ASD is a spectrum for a reason. As a teen and young adult I had trouble looking people in the eyes, but then started to practice it as I began learning about body language and desired a relationship. Then, I would practice on dates and other occasions. It comes more naturally to me now, and I particularly enjoy gazing into my spouse's eyes.

Well, that's the thing; I never hadh to practice it. It just happened. I'm wondering how uncommon this is among autistics. I'm also wondering if maybe it seems more uncommon than it actually is because if an autistic has always had good eye contact, they probably wouldn't post about it; usually they post about the things they DO have a problem with. So I'm wondering how many with always-good eye contact have gone under the radar. Research studies maybe need to catch up? If I believed ONLY the studies, I'd conclude that 99% of autistics can't hold eye contact.

That's why I'm here; getting the info straight from ASD'ers. This has been very helpful so far. As mentioned, when it's time to sustain eye contact, it's conscious rather than totally automatic, but I don't have to force it, nor do I feel discomfort (though it CAN be distracting).

I don't hold eye contact to gain information. I gain it by listening to what and how a person is talking; maybe body language. I've looked at eyes for reactions when there was a sudden revelation of news, though, like when my father learned my mother needed surgery. I think I first looked at his eyes, but his opened mouth got more of my attention.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Owliet]

Welcome!


I’ve learnt to mask over time and usually have a fixed point so it seems like I’m talking with eye contact but I’m not.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

Eye contact is one of those things that got "drilled" into me at school as a must-do to "show respect" and so I got used to it. I'm a stickler for rules.

 

[Fino]

My brain wastes 50% of its attention on regulating eye contact during any conversation.

But it's unfortunate and incredible how often people think a single trait makes or breaks a diagnosis of autism. Autism is an intricate part of our being. It's our neurology. It's who we are.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello there,

My case is nearly as yours. I look straigth to the eyes since I was a kid, there is too much info there and its one of my main ways to connect with others and understand how they feel.

But as you said, when the topic discussed is dificult and need lots of processing (like being aware of my own feelings and needs) i need to give them my ear and look in another direction.

I cant control easily the intensity, sometimes I have been perceived as agressive or too intense. It fits the description of Myer Briggs INTJ personality, the "Death Stare". There are many Quora articles on "INTJ death stare", like this one:

https://www.quora.com/What-does-Ni-...hare=f99154ef&srid=gkhvM&target_type=question

I am curious about your Myer Briggs personaly, I know that it has no scientific validation and all that, but the way it fitted in things like this was really incredible.

So welcome!