No control of my life/Feeling Directionless

[Markness]

I realize more and more every year that I have no control of my life. A lot of this has to do with the bullying I suffered in my developmental years, getting subjected to cultural isolation, my control freak mother sabotaging me, and my own efforts never yielding the results I want. I don’t think it’s surprising I became clinically depressed back in 2006.

 

[Metalhead]

I realize more and more every year that I have no control of my life. A lot of this has to do with the bullying I suffered in my developmental years, getting subjected to cultural isolation, my control freak mother sabotaging me, and my own efforts never yielding the results I want. I don’t think it’s surprising I became clinically depressed back in 2006.

Take the power back in your life. If I can do it at my age, you can do it at your age. A young god like yourself is not powerless.

Control freak mother? I know all about that. If you are over 18, there is not much she can legally do if you want to take your life in a healthier direction.

 

[Luca]

Take the power back in your life. If I can do it at my age, you can do it at your age. A young god like yourself is not powerless.

Control freak mother? I know all about that. If you are over 18, there is not much she can legally do if you want to take your life in a healthier direction.

Yes, I agree with this 100%. Move out if you have the resources, or try to find activities outside of the house where she can't bother you.
My mom controlled everything I did (not with malicious intentions, but it was still awful) until I moved out. Now I have the choice of whether I want to see her or not. Usually not.

 

[VictorR]

I've suggested before that you consider moving out to gain some independence.

I still maintain that doing so would likely help, but that you'd want to make sure you're well prepared for such a life event and not just doing it on a whim.

We'll be here to support you in that, or anything else, and feel free to PM me if there's anything I may be able to help with that you're not comfortable discussing openly.

 

[Slime_Punk]

The thing that's the hardest to grasp is how much control we do have over our lives. Aside from the random events that do happen (and some can be genuinely catastrophic), taking responsibility (for better or worse) over major life decisions that we've certainly made ourselves is part of being an adult, ASD or no ASD.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Take the power back in your life. If I can do it at my age, you can do it at your age. A young god like yourself is not powerless.

Control freak mother? I know all about that. If you are over 18, there is not much she can legally do if you want to take your life in a healthier direction.

Exactly! Markness cedes power to others and I wonder if he has been infantalized. How long have I asked Markness to plan for living independently?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Take the power back in your life. If I can do it at my age, you can do it at your age. A young god like yourself is not powerless.

You are doing well, @Metalhead . Sometimes it is not easy. It has taken me a lot of work to resolve PTSD triggers, and now, like yesterday, leading an outing for the bike club, I am finding myself enjoying being with people more. I understand more fully that people, and I, are human, with our flaws, yet still bend towards kindness when there is no anger or resentment in our hearts.

 

[Markness]

I've suggested before that you consider moving out to gain some independence.

I still maintain that doing so would likely help, but that you'd want to make sure you're well prepared for such a life event and not just doing it on a whim.

We'll be here to support you in that, or anything else, and feel free to PM me if there's anything I may be able to help with that you're not comfortable discussing openly.

I want to move out but I don’t make enough money to do so.

 

[VictorR]

I want to move out but I don’t make enough money to do so.

And how, if I may ask, did you come to that conclusion?

As I understand,
* you also have income from part-time work
* you are in receipt of disability support funding
** as a result of being in receipt of disability support funding, you are possibly entitled to a housing subsidy and/or eligible for access to subsidized housing (there may be a waitlist). Some social housing, rather than charging a fixed rate, charge a percentage of one's income.

and so I'm not quite sure your statement is correct.

 

[Markness]

And how, if I may ask, did you come to that conclusion?

As I understand,
* you also have income from part-time work
* you are in receipt of disability support funding
** as a result of being in receipt of disability support funding, you are possibly entitled to a housing subsidy and/or eligible for access to subsidized housing (there may be a waitlist). Some social housing, rather than charging a fixed rate, charge a percentage of one's income.

and so I'm not quite sure your statement is correct.

I am constantly told by people more in the know and my mother that my income can’t even get me a cheap apartment or at least anything that isn’t considered a “ghetto apartment.” I also feel daunted by the costs I see online. But this could also be due to my difficulties understanding how money works. I am challenged in regards to economics and I have a form of dyscalculia that can move numbers around in my memory.

Example: I thought for years the first three digits of my social security number was 624 but it’s actually 642.

My mother is my legal payee so my social security goes to her.

 

[VictorR]

I am constantly told by people more in the know and my mother that my income can’t even get me a cheap apartment or at least anything that isn’t considered a “ghetto apartment.” I also feel daunted by the costs I see online. But this could also be due to my difficulties understanding how money works. I am challenged in regards to economics and I have a form of dyscalculia that can move numbers around in my memory.

Example: I thought for years the first three digits of my social security number was 624 but it’s actually 642.

My mother is my legal payee so my social security goes to her.

There's always more than what you see or hear, which is just a part of the whole.

Ads for Downtown Vancouver 1-bedroom apartments have an asking price of CAD 2500 / month. But yet the average paid is actually closer to 2200. This is due to a combination of some having price controls, and also that some property owners are happy to rent at lower rates to tenants they trust will take good care of the property and to not cause trouble.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is what what you see when you do a quick casual look is going to typically be higher than what people pay. I see this issue come up in collectibles as well. How often do we come across someone who says "there's someone who has this widget priced at $50 on Ebay" - well, sure, someone is asking $50 for that widget, but taking a look at recent sale prices for that widget would give a much better indicator of what people actually pay for it.

As for challenges with numbers, you're not alone there. But remember, you're not alone.

Something that I often suggest if someone is looking for housing on a budget but isn't needing to move right away are housing co-ops. Basically, it's a non-profit where the renters are members, and often pitch in with maintenance.

I did a quick search for "Austin co-op" and came across

https://www.chea.coop/
and at

https://www.sasona.org/FAQ.html
Their monthly room rental is $559-909, depending on the size of the room plus an $80 membership which includes utilities and dinner each night. Members also contribute about 5 hours of work per week, as assigned.

As with many co-ops, you would attend some sessions and join a waitlist, and if/when a spot comes up and you're up, you'll be notified.

I think a co-op might work well for you since they're more of a community than a usual apartment or condo rental, and so it may help you feel more connected with others.

 

[Markness]

I really feel directionless at this point in my life. I don’t have any long term goals due to both being daunted by anxiety and discouragement by past disappointments. I tend to just get up from bed (Which isn’t easy for me.), go to work, drive around or go home when I am free to leave, struggle to figure out what I want to do next, and then go back to bed.

 

[AdamG]

It is also difficult for me to find direction. I'm 55 and haven't worked in a decade, and just realized that I am autistic. So figuring out what I like, what I don't like, what I want to do with life ... it is all a blur.
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I try to remain optimistic, but yesterday I had to take a break and be depressed all day. So maybe today I'm ready to spend the energy to be optimistic again.
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Not sure what I'm saying here, just sort of commiserating.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hobbies or special interests? Going out for a walk? The gym?

Take up an interest in money management and investing. Sometimes that puts your mind into a different state where you have goals.

Sometimes having your mind and body "occupied" will keep your mind off of things.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

So true to have hobbies. I go to church, where I have a community of friends who care for me. I exercise by going to yoga, where I have a community of teachers who care for me. I go to the gym where I am practically on my own, but I go to lose more weight.

 

[Rodafina]

What you described is another symptom of depression. I hope you are tackling this from all angles, including therapy.

I like to think that when we are truly wandering through each day with no direction, randomness can be our guide. Probably best not to make major life decisions based on randomness, but as far is getting out of a slump and increasing motivation, we can choose one random focus and just follow it for a day.

Incorporate something into one of your walks, maybe. Or, you said sometimes you just drive around. You could make it a point to drive to a specific place, take a picture of it, and share it here on the forum. Sometimes the tiniest bit of a goal in a day can lead us to actually achieving it. Besides being possibly fun, it starts to increase the dopamine in our brain. Achieving small goals leads to the desire to achieve greater ones.

 

[Vindiesel]

Embrace it… you could be inundated with responsibility that leaves you feel imprisoned too. Float along like some rustling leaves the season will change.

 

[Markness]

I am now suffering from headaches when I think about making potential goals.

 

[AdamG]

I am now suffering from headaches when I think about making potential goals.

don't push yourself. That way leads to madness. Stim. It helps me. I use tennis balls, and music.

 

[AdamG]

I am now suffering from headaches when I think about making potential goals.

you cannot do it all at once. Give your brain time to process.
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you don't have to live up to anyone's expectorations. And you are important.
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So rest.