No friends

[RainbowAura]

I haven’t had a friend since I was 13 years old and that was mannnnnnny years ago. It wasn’t “real”. I was an only child and had exclusion when I was at preschool. No one wanted me around. I got the same reaction at school but the first two years were tolerable till I was about 7. I was excluded and had this feeling inside that I was “different”. I was badly bullied till I left school at 17.

I’ve made attempts online but somehow they turn on me, severely bullied me, excluded me or just flat out ignore me. (I tried forums for music/art/tv/graphics and Facebook) It was like they were almost annoyed by me (I never harassed just said hello to them). I somehow had a cold reception on every group I joined and like I wasn’t part of their “clique”. I tried many forums and moderators even turned on me and others joined up with them putting me down. It wasn’t like I was breaking invisible laws everywhere and like I was breaking some certain unspoken “code”. This lead to tears and pain. I wondered if I was just sensitive and that may have contributed but it doesn’t make 100% sense.

I also tried tumblr and joined a fandom..but got a clique like reaction and they didn’t like me because I preferred certain parts of the show that they disagreed with. This turned into a disaster. I also tried other fandoms but people just suddenly turned. I was polite, kind and wrote nice kind things about their art. One said “I only follow those I talk to”. I ended up bullying her because of the exclusive “sect” she was apart of.

I tried “real life” situations including school and little groups. I can’t relate to others and this is in part due to my treatment at school

I almost have learnt to like loneliness. I live with my mother and stepfather and it is strained. My mother does everything for me.

I feel like I can enter belong and feel so distant from others emotionally and in every possible way. No guy has ever wanted me or liked me either.

What is wrong with me?

 

[FreeDiver]

Unfortunately being on the spectrum makes it difficult if not impossible to make "true" friends. One thing you got to be careful of is false friends. I'm talking about those who claim to be your friend but are just using you and trying to take advantage of you. Those are the ones that can hurt you the most. Especially if your desperate to make any friends.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to Aspie-dom.
I could count the friends I've had in a life time on one hand. I started learning as a child, no matter how mannerly I thought I was or how I tried to fit in, it seemed the others knew I was different and either avoided me, (sometimes quite rudely), or soon drifted away.
I felt like "why do they treat me like I'm a clown or a freak?"
I don't know. It's like radar 'strange' somehow.

There's nothing wrong with you.
Maybe learning to like your own company and being
able to be happy alone isn't that bad for future training.

 

[Streetwise]

i'm trying to understand people will never be my mam(mom) they just don't care about me the way she did and she wasn't always there for me .
i'm trying to trust G~d but its frightening my anxiety is so strong that I'm not sure about anything.
what I've realised is whats happening inside me is what's important ,if I get a sudden moment of calmness I just don't care about anything ( stress about ).
The psychiatric nurse who was helping me said try not to worry so much !people are attracted to confidence! you see it with animals if something is panicking they stay away from it.
so if I remember !I try to work on what I'm feeling inside !not what i'm perceiving from the outside.

 

[Suzanne]

For years, I bemoaned about not having friends and suffered so much envy, seeing other girls being friendly with each other and I felt even more lonely, because it freaked me out seeing how well they got on ( apparently), because it seemed too much of a frightening aspect to try and join in.

Never been a girl who related to girls, which always perplexed me, because I am a girly girl, as in I have always liked dressing like a female and yet, despite this, the kind of conversations that were popular, I felt so alien.

I was around your age when this was happening and now, close to 50, I am actually confortable not having friends.

But as my husband says: I do have online friends and found that I am tons better online than off, but I will tell you when I first came online and saw that I can participate, it petrified me and occasionally now it still does, but I can push past it.

I am not one who is flooded with inbox messages or texts or emails etc. I get a few, but just do not seem to attract "friends" online either.

 

[Progster]

Been there, done that. When I was at school, I someone told me that the reason why I didn't have many friends was because I didn't try hard enough to make them. So I thought about what I could do to make friends, and decided that sitting next to someone and saying 'hi' was a nice, friendly thing to do, and if I did that, I would be sure to make friends. So I finally plucked up the courage to sit down next to one of the popular boys at school in class and said 'hi'. He then promptly turned round and said to his mates, who were sitting on the bench behind, "what's she doing sitting next to me?". It felt to me like he didn't even see me as human, and that was the end of my attempts to make friends with classmates.

I think that in any situation, there will be people like that, and those people aren't worth bothering with. I always found it easier to talk to and make friends who are more like myself, those who for one reason or another are on the fringes, the 'oddballs'. I get on much better with that sort of person, too.

 

[KImi]

I'm the same I tried to get advice on a forum where they were discussing the possibility of nuclear war after Putin's threats. I felt panicked and was wondering where to hide in my house as I don't have a basement under ground, the thread got closed cos it was entering the realms of fantasy!, but then someone else started up another similar thread that hasn't been closed. I commented and was told not to use that thread either or it would be closed. This is a site where I thought the whole purpose was to discuss what emergency plans for situations like war, severe floods and storms etc. Like yourself I don't understand what I'm doing wrong or if I'm breaking any unspoken rules but they've discussed things as ridiculous as a zombie Apocalypse (which surely has no chance of ever happening) and everyone joined in and said what they'd do. When I join in it tends to end the discussion and I don't understand what I've said or done differently to what everyone else was doing!

tbh I've given up I'm just waiting for my life to end now existing day to day for the sake of my dog whose never known anything else as he's been with me since a pup, he's the only living creature I get any kind of affection or unconditional love from. Last person to tell me they loved me and meant it was my mum before she died in 1991 (I was 21 then, I'm 48 now).

 

[Adora]

Never been a girl who related to girls, which always perplexed me, because I am a girly girl, as in I have always liked dressing like a female and yet, despite this, the kind of conversations that were popular, I felt so alien.

this is also a contradiction that I have aswell,I’m a girly girl who likes makeup and the colour pink but strangely I cannot relate to many girls,its like I get lost in the conversations and find that a lot of things other women talk about I just don’t get or I’m not into what they may be into,also though I am girly I’m into things like comics and stuff like Mythology and Movies like Star Wars or Lord of the rings and while my interests are not all that weird i still find in real life at least not many women who like that stuff but I always felt a bit of a disconnection between me and other girls.

 

[Suzanne]

though I am girly I’m into things like comics and stuff like Mythology and Movies like Star Wars or Lord of the rings and while my interests are not all that weird i still find in real life at least not many women who like that stuff but I always felt a bit of a disconnection between me and other girls.[/QUOTE

Think you have solved the mystery lol. It is because, despite being females in a female sense, we have more varied and deep thoughts than just talking about make up and men etc.

When I was in my 20's, I was obsessed with the Victorian Era, but no way could I have a conversation on that with other females.

I was also heavily into Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie.

And now, really into natural therapy and how the body works, but have found a few females I can have that kind of conversation with.

Oh and I hate pink lol however, if I am asked my favourite colour? I would say: all colours are amazing or if I am obsessing over one colour, than that will be my "fav" colour.

 

[tducey]

I've always been lucky to have friends. Find something that interests you and get some friends from that.

 

[Thinx]

Klmi so sorry you feel so bad your dog is very happy and lucky to have you I feel sure. It's very usual for us non NTs not to be social, we have a different kind of brain, there's nothing wrong with how we are. My cat loves me...

Great name Rainbow Aura!

 

[SusanLR]

i'm trying to understand people will never be my mam(mom) they just don't care about me the way she did and she wasn't always there for me

Exactly what I've gone through since 2013.
I know no one will ever care like my Mom did.
Living alone I just can't feel good about.
I feel alone. I envy those who can feel happy alone.
Living with someone else I don't feel at home.
It has been very difficult and always will be.
And at my age I feel the same as @Klmi ,
I can't find that feeling of home and contentment
from anywhere else, so I live day to day also.
May as well. And see what life brings my way for what's
left of it.

 

[Streetwise]

Exactly what I've gone through since 2013.
I know no one will ever care like my Mom did.
Living alone I just can't feel good about.
I feel alone. I envy those who can feel happy alone.
Living with someone else I don't feel at home.
It has been very difficult and always will be.
And at my age I feel the same as @Klmi ,
I can't find that feeling of home and contentment
from anywhere else, so I live day to day also.
May as well. And see what life brings my way for what's
left of it.

you really need to practice mindfulness a lot of every day! you've experienced a major change !I try !to do it by listening to the feelings all over my body !it's not easy as anxiety has become natural to me.
if you're doing something try to do that and don't think about something else at the same time that's a form of mindfulness I find it hard to focus ,I always wonder if there is a correlation between physical damage and psychological damage as I know I must be actually blind but because I had laser surgery the lenses are near perfect.

 

[KImi]

Don't get me wrong I'm not unhappy about living alone as I have for many years, but I guess I didn't feel so alone when my other dog was here too she was truly my soulmate. Having to build a new relationship with another dog was difficult at first though much easier than it is with people. We have a strong bond now after 5 yrs.
I just find it frustrating that even on an online forum, whether I mention my disabilities or not I always end up in the same situation and maybe being tolerated rather than liked, even if I've made another profile based on the most popular person on a forum I'm never as popular as that person, so I must be missing something really subtle but important in how they communicate or what they're doing that I'm not? I can type much easier than speak and come across as much more disabled face to face so I thought online forums would be my forte and no-one would be able to tell I was someone they wouldn't bother speaking to in the real world. But my naivety must come through in my typing as people often guess me to be MUCH younger than I am if I don't give my age.

 

[SusanLR]

Don't get me wrong I'm not unhappy about living alone as I have for many years, but I guess I didn't feel so alone when my other dog was here too she was truly my soulmate. Having to build a new relationship with another dog was difficult at first though much easier than it is with people. We have a strong bond now after 5 yrs.
I just find it frustrating that even on an online forum, whether I mention my disabilities or not I always end up in the same situation and maybe being tolerated rather than liked, even if I've made another profile based on the most popular person on a forum I'm never as popular as that person, so I must be missing something really subtle but important in how they communicate or what they're doing that I'm not? I can type much easier than speak and come across as much more disabled face to face so I thought online forums would be my forte and no-one would be able to tell I was someone they wouldn't bother speaking to in the real world. But my naivety must come through in my typing as people often guess me to be MUCH younger than I am if I don't give my age.

There does seem to be things that are very subtle in
how we communicate.
I also can type easier than talk face to face.
With no real friends, I found this forum and have
found a good place.
I guess people wouldn't guess my age either when
I get on here and babble about how I can't get over
the loss of my Mom. But, I've lived a certain way
all my life and was happy albeit a child-like way.

@Streetwise Thanks for your advice.
I recently got a book on Mindfulness and just started reading. It is like a workbook also.
I know psychological damage and physical damage go hand in hand. My health issues were bad enough before the traumatic change, but, the toll it has taken physically is real.
Thanks to everyone. Finding this forum has made a difference that I would not have had otherwise.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thanks to everyone. Finding this forum has made a difference that I would not have had otherwise

But it was mostly me, right?

 

[Iamnotarabot]

How many time has passed since you left hight school?

I didnt have so many problems at school, some kids enjoyed pissing me off when i was 7 to 10 , but then it was ok.
But overall i just have 3 real friends i think, and a bunch of people that care a little about me.

I never actually made friends , the one that i still have i have them since preschool, and our parents knew each other, and we were in the same school until hightschool.
But for the rest , i just knew the friends of my friends, and, some people i managed to have a relationship revolving around the class we had, I never managed to keep a good friendship after we got seperated from class (even in the same school) because i didnt know what to say anymore.

In Hightschool, i trusted a few and felt realy different from the others, and in unniversity i just didnt manage to be close to anyone at all ( i never managed to stay all semester in class anyway, after a short time i always needed to withdraw.)

Si i would say that nothing is wrong with you, according to others on this forum, this is just the way we are, you just had more bad experiences.

But things can change! We need to learn more about how we work in order to build relationships with others, i guess.

 

[Bella Pines]

Firstly @RainbowAura, there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever.

What you are experiencing is the difference between neurodiverse people and neurotypical people. The emotional and sheep-like brain of the neurotypical (NT) is by far the most statistically common in western society. Most likely because, to even form a society, you need the sheep like brain or else everyone would be off doing their own thing.

So likely you stand out as questioning and diverse and worry the sheep.

I have no idea why you would want to fit in, but the good news is that if you do, it's perfectly feasible.

I was breaking invisible laws everywhere and like I was breaking some certain unspoken “code”.

The code is only unspoken because the NTs don't realise they are following it. So here are some examples:

• I preferred certain parts of the show that they disagreed with. This singled you out as having independent thought. Generally NTs like to consider themselves independent but they are not. Not even close. When they canvas opinions, it is a test. Everyone who is too far from the acceptable norm is instantly branded an outlier.
  
• I was polite, kind and wrote nice kind things about their art. Again, displaying independent thought. What you should have done is clone the post above you and change the wording slightly.

Additionally,

• You use words like "exclusive sect", clique and exclusion. Because of your school life, it is likely that you have already set yourself apart before you even join the group, it sounds like you are expecting to be excluded and thus creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
• Don't over think it. Now that you are in the cycle, you are looking for signs that you have been excluded. NTs don't think that hard, they seek validation and similar minded sheep, but really they don't care that much. If you just keep your head down and mutter empty platitudes then they will accept you as one of them.
• Look for the wolves. By following the code you can easily pass for a sheep and with enough practice, it becomes second nature. After many years I finally mastered small talk which I do automatically now. But unless you have to work with these people, are they really worth the effort? Look for people more like minded to yourself.

Post additional examples and we'll be able to explain the negative reaction that NTs have had.

Here's a guide: Acting NT: Neurotypical Syndrome Played Straight

 

[Selfdiagnosed&confirmed]

Welcome to Aspie-dom.
I could count the friends I've had in a life time on one hand. I started learning as a child, no matter how mannerly I thought I was or how I tried to fit in, it seemed the others knew I was different and either avoided me, (sometimes quite rudely), or soon drifted away.
I felt like "why do they treat me like I'm a clown or a freak?"
I don't know. It's like radar 'strange' somehow.

There's nothing wrong with you.
Maybe learning to like your own company and being
able to be happy alone isn't that bad for future training.

Hello SusanLR, I guess the clown comment triggered me. It's interesting as even though in school period I didn't hang out with the popular crowds I still had some various friends. For the most part I was constantly "entertaining" them. And as I saw them again over the years they would keep reminiscing about stories and funny things I did. It started putting me off like I was being boxed as having to fit that role so somewhere along the way my personality changed completely and I currently don't really have any contact with anyone for the most part.

The clown thing stuck with me as I didn't like being labeled / expected to entertain my "friends". I soon realized for the most part I was putting much more effort into those friendships than they did and eventually even most of my life long friends faded away.

 

[Selfdiagnosed&confirmed]

Firstly @RainbowAura, there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever.

What you are experiencing is the difference between neurodiverse people and neurotypical people. The emotional and sheep-like brain of the neurotypical (NT) is by far the most statistically common in western society. Most likely because, to even form a society, you need the sheep like brain or else everyone would be off doing their own thing.

So likely you stand out as questioning and diverse and worry the sheep.

I have no idea why you would want to fit in, but the good news is that if you do, it's perfectly feasible.



The code is only unspoken because the NTs don't realise they are following it. So here are some examples:

• I preferred certain parts of the show that they disagreed with. This singled you out as having independent thought. Generally NTs like to consider themselves independent but they are not. Not even close. When they canvas opinions, it is a test. Everyone who is too far from the acceptable norm is instantly branded an outlier.
  
• I was polite, kind and wrote nice kind things about their art. Again, displaying independent thought. What you should have done is clone the post above you and change the wording slightly.

Additionally,

• You use words like "exclusive sect", clique and exclusion. Because of your school life, it is likely that you have already set yourself apart before you even join the group, it sounds like you are expecting to be excluded and thus creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
• Don't over think it. Now that you are in the cycle, you are looking for signs that you have been excluded. NTs don't think that hard, they seek validation and similar minded sheep, but really they don't care that much. If you just keep your head down and mutter empty platitudes then they will accept you as one of them.
• Look for the wolves. By following the code you can easily pass for a sheep and with enough practice, it becomes second nature. After many years I finally mastered small talk which I do automatically now. But unless you have to work with these people, are they really worth the effort? Look for people more like minded to yourself.

Post additional examples and we'll be able to explain the negative reaction that NTs have had.

Here's a guide: Acting NT: Neurotypical Syndrome Played Straight

View attachment 43097

Hi Bella Pines, Your response is very insightful. It makes me sad for the world though that the majority of people would prefer to act and be a sheep. Somewhere along the lines I took it upon myself to share my "opinion" with everyone I end up in conversation with. It ends up in receiving a lot of resistance (even at meditative environments, etc) People often tell me that the sheep prefer to be sheep and some of my old friends used to take offense to a great extent and told me they work hard and just want to switch off when not at work.
It's like they justify the one track minded consumerism, selfish lifestyles they live based on the fact that they work a 40+ hour week and don't question anything.

Do you think they prefer to be stuck in their way of thinking? I mean it seems to me that they take offense from their egos when I say anything - I can't even speak of my believes to most people (I suppose NT's) as they take personal offense and end up trying to debate or get emotionally upset as I'm rocking their boat, so to speak.

I almost feel it to be my responsibility to open their eyes to the things they do not see, the toll of their lifestyles on the balance of the world and poverty, the environment, the effect of mindless consumption on 3rd world countries and the people who are producing these things, etc. The disparity between rich and poor, etc.