No like. Only crush.

[NecroCurator]

So I was talking with a friend recently about a woman I know who may or may not have a crush on me, and what to do about it. At one point my friend blurted out that she may not infact have a crush on me, but may instead simply like me with no further intentions.

This was alarming for two reasons. First, this had not even occurred to me on any level. Secondly, the reason it had not occurred to me, is because I could not and still cannot imagine what such a concept might mean. This is certainly not the first time this kind of thing comes up. I don't think I have ever "liked" anyone. It has always been either indifference bordering on cruelty, or grade A "I cannot eat, sleep or work"-class of insane love. In my small mind "liking" is not a thing.

Could this be and aspie thing, or am I just a major arsehole? Or both? In any case, it bugs me that I can't understand anyone.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Pretty sure it means she just likes you as a person in the sense that she wants to be your friend or hang out with you without wanting to date you or be in a serious relationship.

 

[NecroCurator]

Yeah I know. But I don't understand. I don't really get friendship. It's either full on romance or bromance, or I'm not really interested. Usually it's that I'm not really interested.

This could be just me though. I have never been about doing things by the halves.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I get what you're saying. We tend to be very black-and-white thinkers where we compartmentalize our relationships based on extremes.

Lots of people like to have casual friendships, where they aren't particularly close to a person but they'll enjoy having a coffee or doing activities with them.

 

[Tom]

Its like music. If all you hear are the highest and lowest frequencies you are missing a hell of a lot in the middle. If this region does not come naturally to you you have to try and develop it. If you can't be bothered then you get what you get. Being too extreme can put people off as well.

 

[Autistamatic]

I used to be kind of like that - all or nothing and I suppose in a manner of speaking I have been lately. What changes it is simply continuous exposure to friendly people (for me anyway).
Being within a healthy social group or working with an intelligent peer group helps to fill out those grey areas in-between the black and white. I too have made the mistake of thinking someone who wanted friendship wanted something more, and the complete opposite. It's par for the course in the AS world, but the more we insulate ourselves from people, the more likely we are to make such mistakes.
It's important to at the very least understand other people have many shades of grey within their definitions of friendship even if we as individuals don't

 

[TheFreeCat]

It is hard to be black and white and not even know it.

The only way to alleviate it, is either to accept it, which will mean it will be hard.

The other option means being around healthy people to see what is "Normal." and "safe". The trouble is finding these healthy people to hang around.

I find the healthy ones don't want to be around me at all.

The other option is going anywhere a lot and seeing what does NOT work. Then you may be able to get closer to what does work.

I have no clue about any of it. But I gave up and it's good for me to give up

 

[SunnyDay16]

It is hard to be black and white and not even know it.

The only way to alleviate it, is either to accept it, which will mean it will be hard.

The other option means being around healthy people to see what is "Normal." and "safe". The trouble is finding these healthy people to hang around.

I find the healthy ones don't want to be around me at all.

The other option is going anywhere a lot and seeing what does NOT work. Then you may be able to get closer to what does work.

I have no clue about any of it. But I gave up and it's good for me to give up

Why do you feel they don't want to be around you?

 

[TheFreeCat]

Why do you feel they don't want to be around you?

There are too many to list. This has been a long time problem . When you go to a "healthy group" it does not take long to see how it shakes down. There are people who talk to much, not enough, too mysterious, not mysterious enough, too emotional, not enough shared experiences, not enough education, wrong job, wrong past, etc.

So the ones with all the "wrongs" get a few crisp nods and people are very quick to stop conversations with them, won't give out contact info, if you ask if they want to do something, they might say, "Sure" and walk off. Or maybe just say "No," etc.

You know how it is. In the end, you are one of the "others" and you can continue to go and feel bad or stay home and come onto AC where people like you

 

[SunnyDay16]

There are too many to list. This has been a long time problem . When you go to a "healthy group" it does not take long to see how it shakes down. There are people who talk to much, not enough, too mysterious, not mysterious enough, too emotional, not enough shared experiences, not enough education, wrong job, wrong past, etc.

So the ones with all the "wrongs" get a few crisp nods and people are very quick to stop conversations with them, won't give out contact info, if you ask if they want to do something, they might say, "Sure" and walk off. Or maybe just say "No," etc.

You know how it is. In the end, you are one of the "others" and you can continue to go and feel bad or stay home and come onto AC where people like you

I see what you mean. Personally, I am not a big fan of trying to make friends through groups. I am much better with talking to people individually. I find that groups can get messy and cliquish more quickly.