No Love - No More

[JDartistic]

i have finally realized that my biggest disappointments in life completely revolve around other people.

All my life, I have spent trying to be accepted and loved. By parents who 'beat me into survival' & by lovers who used my creativity for their own wealth.

I was able to pass myself off because back in the day, I was beautiful. I think most Autisics are - simply beautiful & freaky intelligent inspirational.

But I was met with violence & brutal rape as an 18 year old who had survived terrible bullying & child abuse.

I don't casually talk about this, bc it has defined me as a damaged individual...& bc it depressed me as a courageous adult who somehow survived.

But I'm going to be 55 next month, & ive reviewed my life & made an intelligent decision that all of my hardships were totally based on me trying to be accepted & loved by others.

I know I'm not privileged with the problems. Come on! We are all struggling!

But I have to say - I think I lost myself in trying to fit in, & I completely lost my giftedness. I rank rather high in IQ (137 as gifted in visual metaphor -whatever that is, bc no one bothered to tell me what that even means!!! Just a test subject, I guess.

No more! No more chasing love from people who never cared, who were never on my side - bc, quite frankly, I didn't know I was even autustic.

I think that's the real tragedy - so many of us go undiagnosed when it would have mattered.

I'm so sorry - but For the first time in my life, I have decided to see my isolation, not as a flaw, but as my only strength.

I've always gotten more things done! On my own, I am important. I am Somebody! I have only lost faith in myself when others bring me down!

So at 55 years old, I'm taking this crap head-on.

My aloneness IS my strength.

Thank you for that.

 

[Momo]

Good luck! What is it that those fitness junkies say? No pain, no gain.

 

[JDartistic]

Good luck! What is it that those fitness junkies say? No pain, no gain.

LOL. I'm a cliche?

 

[Momo]

LOL. I'm a cliche?

Either that or I am.

 

[Katleya]

I'm going to sound terribly cheesy & for that I apologize, but the only acceptance & love you truly need are yours, towards yourself.
Screw the rest of the world if they can't see what you have to bring! And you don't need people who would take advantage of you in your life anyways.

You're not alone in that struggle. I could have done without adding rape to my life experience, but in hindsight I'm not even surprised it happened. Maybe it wouldn't have been so if I'd had a diagnosis, and had been aware of the accrued risk & so on, but those were other times, and what good is it looking back at what may or may not have been?

Jumping to another part, I've noticed that the best decisions I made in my life, and the best things I did, were those when I was only taking myself into account. So I wish you the best of success in that new approach (why is there no rainbow emoji when I need one?)

 

[Keigan]

I'm 54, recently self-diagnosed. Every day is a celebration of my AS, for the coping skills I have are of value to all.

Know that you have value that no other can understand, go from there.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

People who take advantage of you should be arrested. People who don't believe in you are narrow-minded and just plain suck. I have very low self-esteem so I tend to not believe in myself - but I have found some people who accept me for who I am and don't overreact to my quirks. Those people are the keepers and that is why I act VERY needy around them. My parents have always loved and supported me but I just drive them crazy all the freaking time. I've been bullied by numerous people in school and even college, and made fun of by plenty more. I've pushed away so many potential friends back in college and just went back to being a lone wolf after graduation (I used to be a lone wolf by choice as a kid). I do consider myself very intelligent, and I was almost always an A student...I'm just not intelligent socially.

After I graduated, I concentrated on my new job instead of all the crap I've caused at the university and got things done too. I was the only employee for a few months, and that was a much, much needed solitude. I started getting coworkers later who eventually noticed my socially inept behavior and I was driving two of them crazy, just like I drive my parents crazy. I do respect them for still treating me in a civil manner, I am an extremely difficult person to live with and get along with - despite the fact that I'm genuinely kind, responsible and always do my best. Some people, like my parents, complement me on these things and say that they're the core of what matters - but I still keep on exhibiting all that self-hatred because of the inner demons I'm fighting.

So based on what I said I've never had faith in myself and I'm very proud of you for never losing it in yourself, JD. My college experiences didn't improve it, they only made it go further downhill - but I don't want to talk about these experiences on here since it'd kind of be veering off topic (and people do tell me that I veer off topic). To this day I still feel so down about myself, it's unbelievable. Some successes do raise my self-esteem for a bit...until the next time I screw up. I do know that I'm much better than the dregs of society who bully and take advantage of us, that's for a fact. Right now I'm working with my psychologist on fitting into the NT society better, specifically managing my severe anxieties and socially inept behavior.

 

[Mia]

I don't know you but your past life sounds similar to mine in many ways. Wanting to be cared about, loved, something that eventually happened for me as an adult. Along the way I encountered the ideas of Alice Miller and others, and from there went on to find out what I had lost as a child. The child is still there, inside, and now I talk to the inner child. The essential being that I was and will always be.

When I first discovered that I actually had an inner child (I thought it was long ago destroyed) I tried to imagine what it looked like. I despised that original child (me) as weak and needy, and when I visualized it, it looked like a burned up wraith of a human being. When I began to consider it, things began to change. The more I considered it, nurtured it, the more it became less of an 'it', a thing I despised. I began to treat that aspect of self as a child, and care for the child that I was. Although this sounds a little ridiculous, I was initially very much a skeptic about being able to do such a thing. It sounded too new age, it seemed implausible. Yet the more I worked at it, read, the more I understood that without doing this I would never find peace in my life. So I did, and I do to this day. I hope this will help you, as it helped me.

Inner child - Wikipedia
Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy : The Inner Child
Your Inner Child Can Heal Your Life - by Michelle Wolfe-Emery
PTSD Recovery: Try Using Inner Child Exercises - HealthyPlace

 

[Katleya]

I don't know you but your past life sounds similar to mine in many ways. Wanting to be cared about, loved, something that eventually happened for me as an adult. Along the way I encountered the ideas of Alice Miller and others, and from there went on to find out what I had lost as a child. The child is still there, inside, and now I talk to the inner child. The essential being that I was and will always be.

When I first discovered that I actually had an inner child (I thought it was long ago destroyed) I tried to imagine what it looked like. I despised that original child (me) as weak and needy, and when I visualized it, it looked like a burned up wraith of a human being. When I began to consider it, things began to change. The more I considered it, nurtured it, the more it became less of an 'it', a thing I despised. I began to treat that aspect of self as a child, and care for the child that I was. Although this sounds a little ridiculous, I was initially very much a skeptic about being able to do such a thing. It sounded too new age, it seemed implausible. Yet the more I worked at it, read, the more I understood that without doing this I would never find peace in my life. So I did, and I do to this day. I hope this will help you, as it helped me.

Inner child - Wikipedia
Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy : The Inner Child
Your Inner Child Can Heal Your Life - by Michelle Wolfe-Emery
PTSD Recovery: Try Using Inner Child Exercises - HealthyPlace

Oh, reminds me of this, from Lise Bourbeau. I'm sure you've heard of her, @Mia.
(But I haven't read it in close to 20 years, so I wouldn't be able to say if it's enough to help someone like us)

 

[JDartistic]

People who take advantage of you should be arrested. People who don't believe in you are narrow-minded and just plain suck. I have very low self-esteem so I tend to not believe in myself - but I have found some people who accept me for who I am and don't overreact to my quirks. Those people are the keepers and that is why I act VERY needy around them. My parents have always loved and supported me but I just drive them crazy all the freaking time. I've been bullied by numerous people in school and even college, and made fun of by plenty more. I've pushed away so many potential friends back in college and just went back to being a lone wolf after graduation (I used to be a lone wolf by choice as a kid). I do consider myself very intelligent, and I was almost always an A student...I'm just not intelligent socially.

After I graduated, I concentrated on my new job instead of all the crap I've caused at the university and got things done too. I was the only employee for a few months, and that was a much, much needed solitude. I started getting coworkers later who eventually noticed my socially inept behavior and I was driving two of them crazy, just like I drive my parents crazy. I do respect them for still treating me in a civil manner, I am an extremely difficult person to live with and get along with - despite the fact that I'm genuinely kind, responsible and always do my best. Some people, like my parents, complement me on these things and say that they're the core of what matters - but I still keep on exhibiting all that self-hatred because of the inner demons I'm fighting.

So based on what I said I've never had faith in myself and I'm very proud of you for never losing it in yourself, JD. My college experiences didn't improve it, they only made it go further downhill - but I don't want to talk about these experiences on here since it'd kind of be veering off topic (and people do tell me that I veer off topic). To this day I still feel so down about myself, it's unbelievable. Some successes do raise my self-esteem for a bit...until the next time I screw up. I do know that I'm much better than the dregs of society who bully and take advantage of us, that's for a fact. Right now I'm working with my psychologist on fitting into the NT society better, specifically managing my severe anxieties and socially inept behavior.

I have that same self-hatred & loathing. It's terribly depressing, & what few friends I had are all gone. I ultimately said something stupid & they left. Two of my friends I knew for decades - I was really hurt by their dismissal of me. I was in severe grief (death & divorce at the same time), and I didn't handle that well & instead of supporting me, they just kicked me while I was down.

That's my life story. Always chasing people who never really give a shhh.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I get what you're saying. That self-bashing is a constant struggle. :-(

 

[abby normal]

life didn't make sense to me until I learned to love the reflection in the mirror and value its esteem higher than the other "externals" I used to put on pedestals.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Am I lucky to have figured these things out at 15...?

 

[abby normal]

^^ the answer is a qualified YES, sooner knowledge is generally better than later knowledge, provided the person is ready for the knowledge.

 

[Chance]

i have finally realized that my biggest disappointments in life completely revolve around other people.

All my life, I have spent trying to be accepted and loved. By parents who 'beat me into survival' & by lovers who used my creativity for their own wealth.

I was able to pass myself off because back in the day, I was beautiful. I think most Autisics are - simply beautiful & freaky intelligent inspirational.

But I was met with violence & brutal rape as an 18 year old who had survived terrible bullying & child abuse.

I don't casually talk about this, bc it has defined me as a damaged individual...& bc it depressed me as a courageous adult who somehow survived.

But I'm going to be 55 next month, & ive reviewed my life & made an intelligent decision that all of my hardships were totally based on me trying to be accepted & loved by others.

I know I'm not privileged with the problems. Come on! We are all struggling!

But I have to say - I think I lost myself in trying to fit in, & I completely lost my giftedness. I rank rather high in IQ (137 as gifted in visual metaphor -whatever that is, bc no one bothered to tell me what that even means!!! Just a test subject, I guess.

No more! No more chasing love from people who never cared, who were never on my side - bc, quite frankly, I didn't know I was even autustic.

I think that's the real tragedy - so many of us go undiagnosed when it would have mattered.

I'm so sorry - but For the first time in my life, I have decided to see my isolation, not as a flaw, but as my only strength.

I've always gotten more things done! On my own, I am important. I am Somebody! I have only lost faith in myself when others bring me down!

So at 55 years old, I'm taking this crap head-on.

My aloneness IS my strength.

Thank you for that.

Hey JD... Your not alone dude... Look around, you have friends everywhere. We might not be there physically right by you this second, but we are a split second away in digital life.

You and I are a lot alike as we already figured out. I don't know you well enough to be telling you anything, but dude... Please don't let these people crush you and make your heart go hard. We were born maybe a pain in the butt to the world, but gifted in some ways people just cant get. We were born knowing what unconditional love is... Its like a thing we aren't supposed to ever have or know about. Its like this world is out to take that away from us...

By the way a visual metaphor is a descriptive style in writing or conversing. Its a gift, its something that makes you special.

I spent years unthinkably alone, secretly depressed. I tried to secretly kill myself. I was serious and didn't want anyone to know, or stop me. I sat in the barn with a 9mm pressed right between my eyes. I couldn't pull it till I asked for forgiveness. I'm spiritual but not religious, so please don't take this wrong. I'm not about labels and religions, or forcing anything on anyone.

Anyway, I just sat there milling through all my life, asking for some form of relief. I got to the part where I had been hurt and I just lost it. I cried for what seems like hours, shaking, snot pouring out of my nose, with a readied firearm pressed right between my eyes. I'm sure it was a pitiful sight.

Somewhere in there I fell asleep, passed out, or something. I woke up when the gun hit the floor. I thought I had killed myself for a split second.

After I gathered my wits. I knew one thing... I wanted to live and live like never before. I didn't care about my past, or who hurt me. Somehow I let it ALL go. I forgave them for the horrid things I had endured...
My present and my future was all that matters. That was a long time back, but I will never forget how deep in the hole I got. I was given a second chance... In that craziness, is a way for me to be there for people who have been hurt, if they will allow me to be there.

I just hate to see people hurting and closing off. Let it out thats cool. Scream, cuss, kick, and be pissed off until its gone, but let it go and it will free you. I'm living proof things can get better, regardless of our limitations or our gifts that seem like curses.

Dude I don't even know if I know what human love is. Its this conditional bs reality built on us making someone happy. To me its impossible from the get go (and to think I got married) and have been struggling with this for years.

However, unconditional love has no boundaries, no demands, no counting costs, no score keeping, no competition, no problem that cant be solved. Its PEACE within us that never falters even when our lives and our limitations are all over the place and scattered in a million pieces.

We suffer by choice (but we often cant see this). Don't let them win, rise above all of it, and find what gives you your peace back. Its nothing from our past, we cant change that. Its over, let it go. My counselor finally got me out of my past, and now I can look at it like an observer, no longer the victim. So I can talk about it without it crushing me ever again.

I found a way to be grateful for all that horrible stuff... If I didn't know how bad life can suck, I wouldn't understand how good life can be. Its all in our choices, choices that become a renewed mentality.

If you ever need to rant... I'm here for you, but to turn that into what can build you back up. We have all been torn down enough. I hope in some freakish Aspie way this helps.

Later guy

Chance

 

[JDartistic]

Hey JD... Your not alone dude... Look around, you have friends everywhere. We might not be there physically right by you this second, but we are a split second away in digital life.

You and I are a lot alike as we already figured out. I don't know you well enough to be telling you anything, but dude... Please don't let these people crush you and make your heart go hard. We were born maybe a pain in the butt to the world, but gifted in some ways people just cant get. We were born knowing what unconditional love is... Its like a thing we aren't supposed to ever have or know about. Its like this world is out to take that away from us...

By the way a visual metaphor is a descriptive style in writing or conversing. Its a gift, its something that makes you special.

I spent years unthinkably alone, secretly depressed. I tried to secretly kill myself. I was serious and didn't want anyone to know, or stop me. I sat in the barn with a 9mm pressed right between my eyes. I couldn't pull it till I asked for forgiveness. I'm spiritual but not religious, so please don't take this wrong. I'm not about labels and religions, or forcing anything on anyone.

Anyway, I just sat there milling through all my life, asking for some form of relief. I got to the part where I had been hurt and I just lost it. I cried for what seems like hours, shaking, snot pouring out of my nose, with a readied firearm pressed right between my eyes. I'm sure it was a pitiful sight.

Somewhere in there I fell asleep, passed out, or something. I woke up when the gun hit the floor. I thought I had killed myself for a split second.

After I gathered my wits. I knew one thing... I wanted to live and live like never before. I didn't care about my past, or who hurt me. Somehow I let it ALL go. I forgave them for the horrid things I had endured...
My present and my future was all that matters. That was a long time back, but I will never forget how deep in the hole I got. I was given a second chance... In that craziness, is a way for me to be there for people who have been hurt, if they will allow me to be there.

I just hate to see people hurting and closing off. Let it out thats cool. Scream, cuss, kick, and be pissed off until its gone, but let it go and it will free you. I'm living proof things can get better, regardless of our limitations or our gifts that seem like curses.

Dude I don't even know if I know what human love is. Its this conditional bs reality built on us making someone happy. To me its impossible from the get go (and to think I got married) and have been struggling with this for years.

However, unconditional love has no boundaries, no demands, no counting costs, no score keeping, no competition, no problem that cant be solved. Its PEACE within us that never falters even when our lives and our limitations are all over the place and scattered in a million pieces.

We suffer by choice (but we often cant see this). Don't let them win, rise above all of it, and find what gives you your peace back. Its nothing from our past, we cant change that. Its over, let it go. My counselor finally got me out of my past, and now I can look at it like an observer, no longer the victim. So I can talk about it without it crushing me ever again.

I found a way to be grateful for all that horrible stuff... If I didn't know how bad life can suck, I wouldn't understand how good life can be. Its all in our choices, choices that become a renewed mentality.

If you ever need to rant... I'm here for you, but to turn that into what can build you back up. We have all been torn down enough. I hope in some freakish Aspie way this helps.

Later guy

Chance

Chance, this is a beautiful response to any post I have ever posted/written... Wow, dude, I'm humbled by your wisdom, and dare I say it, also by the hope you have instilled in me this evening.

Thank you!