Not being able to say no/ people not understanding no.

[Annaa]

( i am using they/them to refer to just one person not multiple people in this context ) It really annoys me when people just don’t get it when I ask them not to do something, for an example I keep telling my friends to not touch my stuff without my permission and to not touch me but for some reason they just can’t seem to understand and just keep doing it over and over again.

I also really don’t understand why saying no to somebody when they want to take something from you is rude, I had a magnetic necklace that I would use during class to help me focus, I really didn’t want anybody to touch it, then a friend of mine asked me to take it and I said no, so for some reason they were really offended, then later another friend of mine asked to take it so I felt like I had to say yes to not offend them as well even though I really hated it, then during class my friend whom I seemed to have offended earlier decided to just take it while it was lying on the desk and after that I really just didn’t want it anymore, I really don’t understand why people just can’t respect another persons decision and boundaries.

 

[Tom]

I'll use a analogy to illustrate what I think is a fairly common difference between some on the spectrum and NT's.

It's like you are an adult cat

having to live with a bunch of puppys.

For the most part they aren't trying to disrespect you, they just don't understand your perspective to begin with.

With one exception, I find the approach that creates the least problems is to follow some old adages. One is "When in Rome, do as the Romans do' and another is 'If you can't beat them join them.' It may not seem fair, but it is pragmatic. It is much easier for one to change then to try and change 20 others. It should improve in time however as as they mature most NTs will develop greater sense of personnal space and possessions.

The exception is inappropriate touching. That is something not to put up with. If it is friendly and benign I'd say grin and bear it, but if it is inappropriate react. Tactfully at first if possible, but firmer if they persist and all 911 if you feel it serious/dangerous.

 

[LuxLuca]

The only part where I would sort of understand why they'd think it would be okay to take your things without consent is due to you telling the other friend that they could.. but even that's a stretch. I'd be really done and angry if that happened to me.

 

[Forest Cat]

It can be difficult but it is important to say no and assert yourself. Because if you don't and you let people get away with it, they just keep walking all over you because they get used to it. If someone asks if they can use your stuff and you say no, they have to respect that. If they don't, they need to learn to respect people.

I was terrible at saying no when I was a teenager, because I had learned to be nice and helpful. And saying no seemed so negative and bad. Not saying no caused so many problems, saying no and sticking to it is important. People might get upset but then they just have to be upset. Thats' better than being treated like a doormat.

 

[Luca]

I agree with most of the advice that’s been given here.

I’ve learned to be assertive and it has helped me cut ties with selfish, toxic people who behaved like immature, spoiled, entitled reality tv stars. They were making my life a lot worse.

Say no when something makes you uncomfortable. If people can’t handle it or they throw a tantrum over it, they’re not good friends. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

I would be really angry if that happened to me too. I hope you find people who treat you better, since you seem like a nice kid and you deserve better friends.

 

[Matthias]

Trusting your friends and sharing your stuff is expected when you're friends with someone. I'd have trouble considering someone a friend if they were defensive and refused to share. That friendship probably wouldn't last long so my advice is to think about why sharing stuff with your friends bothers you and learn to live with it.

 

[Callistemon]

Trusting your friends and sharing your stuff is expected when you're friends with someone. I'd have trouble considering someone a friend if they were defensive and refused to share. That friendship probably wouldn't last long so my advice is to think about why sharing stuff with your friends bothers you and learn to live with it.

It's possible to share things at the same time as having boundaries and mutual respect, @Matthias. It's not OK to take people's possessions if they say no. Sharing has to be agreed to, not presumed. Even the married couples I know who have been with each other for many years and continue to get on well don't take each other for granted and don't walk all over each other. They (like us) still respect each other's space and things, routinely use expressions like "Would you mind if..." and "How do you feel about..." and "Please" and "Thank you" and "I'm sorry" - and people who don't do that don't tend to get on well in the long term.

Sharing is different from having no boundaries. Mutual respect and good manners are very important. When those are there, we can trust. That's entirely different to a bunch of people walking all over each other, treating each other's things as if they were their own, presuming endlessly, and calling it friendship.

Often people are reluctant to share because they have been disrespected in such situations before. I spent many years teaching schoolkids - part of growing up is to learn how to set your own boundaries, respect the boundaries of others, use good manners, share appropriately. I remember one time I noticed a 13-year-old saying, "Can I borrow your ruler?" to his neighbour while in the actual process of taking his ruler! I made that a teaching point. Re-played with them what had just happened by demonstrating it comedically. Everyone laughed, the two kids in the transaction included. Then I modelled what it looks like if you do it respectfully and politely. Next it was their turn, and they did a super job, and then we all laughed at regular intervals for the next week as students were suddenly ultra-polite with each other when asking to borrow items. We had a vote then, and the vast majority voted that it actually felt better, more grown-up, to do it that way - to show their friends respect, and to be treated with respect.

 

[Matthias]

It's possible to share things at the same time as having boundaries and mutual respect, @Matthias. It's not OK to take people's possessions if they say no. Sharing has to be agreed to, not presumed. Even the married couples I know who have been with each other for many years and continue to get on well don't take each other for granted and don't walk all over each other. They (like us) still respect each other's space and things, routinely use expressions like "Would you mind if..." and "How do you feel about..." and "Please" and "Thank you" and "I'm sorry" - and people who don't do that don't tend to get on well in the long term.

Sharing is different from having no boundaries. Mutual respect and good manners are very important. When those are there, we can trust. That's entirely different to a bunch of people walking all over each other, treating each other's things as if they were their own, presuming endlessly, and calling it friendship.

Often people are reluctant to share because they have been disrespected in such situations before. I spent many years teaching schoolkids - part of growing up is to learn how to set your own boundaries, respect the boundaries of others, use good manners, share appropriately. I remember one time I noticed a 13-year-old saying, "Can I borrow your ruler?" to his neighbour while in the actual process of taking his ruler! I made that a teaching point. Re-played with them what had just happened by demonstrating it comedically. Everyone laughed, the two kids in the transaction included. Then I modelled what it looks like if you do it respectfully and politely. Next it was their turn, and they did a super job, and then we all laughed at regular intervals for the next week as students were suddenly ultra-polite with each other when asking to borrow items. We had a vote then, and the vast majority voted that it actually felt better, more grown-up, to do it that way - to show their friends respect, and to be treated with respect.

Asking while in the processing of taking something of mine was how most people asked me when I was in school. I observed negative reactions when people said no, which didn't happen often, and most people said yes when I asked them to share so I got the impression sharing among friends was expected and that people wouldn't like me if I didn't share. Perhaps I was wrong but that's how I saw it. I agree people should respect boundaries but I'd worry people wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had too many boundaries.

 

[Homulilly]

It looks like the person you’re describing doesn’t understand boundaries. That’s something they need to learn, regardless of neurotype. I personally would cut off friendships like that if they never learn. Sorry this happened to you.

Edit: looked at your profile page and it says you’re 13. Some people aren’t mature at this age, and your friend who’s in this age group might just need some time to fully understand boundaries. You could try tell them something like “It makes me uncomfortable when you touch me or want to look at my things. You need to respect my boundaries.” And see how that goes.

 

[Callistemon]

Well, once again - can't agree with you there, @Matthias. Just because rudeness and lack of respect are common ways for some people to operate on an everyday basis and it's "normalised" for them doesn't mean it's a healthy and desirable way to conduct oneself. Also the idea of "too many boundaries" seems to indicate a poor understanding of how boundaries work and what they are for.