Not easy for me to maintain female friendships

[SunnyDay16]

I've always had this problem where it's hard for me to make, and keep, female friends. It sucks because while guy friends are generally not as demanding, you can't have the emotional connections or experiences with guys that you can with girls. Also, most of the guy friends I've had ended up falling for me, so they never stuck around.

I do wish I had more female friends. It's not so much the initiating or small talk that's the issue, but more maintaining the friendship. There tends to be a bit more expectations that female friends have that I'm not always aware of or don't meet. I did have an online female friend for a while, but she eventually stopped bothering to message me, even after I messaged her. I'm guessing that I did or said something that bothered her. Maybe it's that I forgot to send her a birthday card.

Has anyone else had this issue with female friends? Hopefully when my real world social skills improve and hang around people more, this issue will improve for me. I don't have an issue talking to other girls or getting along with them, but friendships with them aren't easy, as they either just wear off over time or I say/do something that sets them off. Even the aspie female friends I've had haven't really evolved into good friendships or have just worn off completely.

I'm not really looking for advice on this issue, as I do realize that you can't force a friendship to work out and that they generally happen organically, but I'm just looking to see if anyone else can relate.

 

[kay]

It's definitely work for me to maintain female friendships. I have to be so careful with what I say. When I'm with a group of guys I can blurt out pretty much anything, and certainly "obscenities", but with the women I know I just can't do that. I just don't have the energy to describe all the problems I have with being friends with women but it starts with just the basic small talk sorta thing and gets worse from there. And I have no kids. Very hard to be friends with women who have kids. Last night I was having to socialize a lot and twice got stuck with women who it was just so uncomfortable and awkward that I ended up eating more food than I should and buying a little trinket just for excuses to not be talking. The food was tasty though and the trinket cute enough.

 

[Gekko2508]

Interesting observation, I face a similar problem.
Primary school: I made 4 female friends
High school: I made 7 female friends
University: I made 5 female friends

At present I talk to one at a semi-regular basis, and one every now and then when we remember each other. The first is also on the autistic spectrum, so I feel we can relate a little better.

 

[Lia]

I can really relate when it comes to male friends falling for you. For a long time I thought I couldn't be friends with women because those friendships never lasted very long. Then I realised I have a hard time maintaining friendships with anyone, and the only reason most of my male friends were interested in staying friends with me was because they thought they'd eventually get a chance to date me. Once I got a boyfriend they all left. I've even had guys stop interacting with me because they didn't find me attractive anymore (I once cut my hair and when someone I thought was a really close friend found out he asked me why I did it and then he never spoke to me again...)

so yeah, friendships can be really hard.
One thing I've noticed is that I am way more relaxed around men than women because female friendships mean more to me. So I worry a lot more about what I say and how I act around women, which usually results in me just shutting down and coming of as quite cold.
In my case I know the problem is me, and the only way I can fix it is to work on my social skills and be more relaxed around people.

When looking back at my friendships with women, which at the time, felt like they ended completely out of the blue, there were definitely some similarities. I am quite bad at starting conversations, so I always expected other people to talk me first. I also have issues with changes in my routine, which makes me cancel plans last minute all the time. The last thing I can think of is me always trying to fix things when people open up to me about their problems, which can be really annoying since people often just want someone to listen to them instead of coming up with solutions. So that's definitely something I should work on.
I don't know if you can relate to any of this, but maybe you can notice similar patterns as well?

 

[SunnyDay16]

I can really relate when it comes to male friends falling for you. For a long time I thought I couldn't be friends with women because those friendships never lasted very long. Then I realised I have a hard time maintaining friendships with anyone, and the only reason most of my male friends were interested in staying friends with me was because they thought they'd eventually get a chance to date me. Once I got a boyfriend they all left. I've even had guys stop interacting with me because they didn't find me attractive anymore (I once cut my hair and when someone I thought was a really close friend found out he asked me why I did it and then he never spoke to me again...)

so yeah, friendships can be really hard.
One thing I've noticed is that I am way more relaxed around men than women because female friendships mean more to me. So I worry a lot more about what I say and how I act around women, which usually results in me just shutting down and coming of as quite cold.
In my case I know the problem is me, and the only way I can fix it is to work on my social skills and be more relaxed around people.

When looking back at my friendships with women, which at the time, felt like they ended completely out of the blue, there were definitely some similarities. I am quite bad at starting conversations, so I always expected other people to talk me first. I also have issues with changes in my routine, which makes me cancel plans last minute all the time. The last thing I can think of is me always trying to fix things when people open up to me about their problems, which can be really annoying since people often just want someone to listen to them instead of coming up with solutions. So that's definitely something I should work on.
I don't know if you can relate to any of this, but maybe you can notice similar patterns as well?

Definitely yes. It is frustrating when I put all this effort into a friendship only for it to go bad when the guy catches feelings. That's why I avoid starting new friendships with guys unless if they are gay because there's always a chance of them being attracted to me and then it just messes the friendship up. What's worse is if they react badly to being rejected and accuse me of "leading them on", as if being a friend to someone signifies romantic interest :/

I am more relaxed around men too because I'm not worried so much about giving off the wrong impression. I guess because I'm not sexually interested in them also lifts a bit of the pressure off my back. I view guys as people I can be friendly to and hang around with, but not people I'll be able to have intimate relations with because of the reasons above.

I get what you mean about not being great with conversations. I'm decent enough with small talk, asking questions, listening to what people have to say, keeping up with a conversation, etc. but it's taken quite some effort on my part and there comes a point where it tires me. Some days I just don't feel like conversing.

 

[selena]

I have come to accept that most of my friendships will be casual. I have only 1 close female friend.

 

[LookingforMe]

I feel your pain SunnyDay16. I’ve always had trouble maintaining friendships with women, especially those close to my age. Acquaintances were never a problem but a close friend has been totally elusive to me. Currently, I have one friend who is 25 years older than me and we meet once every three months for dinner. We get out of the house for a couple hours, catch up with each others lives and call it a night for another few months. It works for us though. I do sometimes wish I had a close friend to chat with more frequently.

 

[Progster]

Generally speaking (and this is only a generalisation), female friends tend to base their friendships around chit chat/talking and expressing their emotions, whereas male friends are more likely to base it around activities. As I prefer activities to talking and I don't express my emotions to people easily, I have always tended to have more male friends than female ones.

 

[Zuliac]

I feel ya. I have always been more comfortable with male friends because, yes, they are less emotionally demanding. You can have a great conversation and not talk for six months and that is ok. I've pretty much just given up on being friends with women and that is kind of ok with me.

I also think that the relationship parameters for men and women are so much easier to define (romantically speaking). I have often thought that if I were more comfortable with myself, I would just have entered a romantic relationship with a woman. To me, body types and gender are pretty superfluous and following romantic norms are the best way that I understand to get truly intimate with someone.

Now, I have found the love of my life and he is all I need - one person who loves me in and out, understands my quirks, and appreciates the things that make me different.

You know, it occurs to me that we are a bunch of aspie women complaining about how hard it is to be friends with women. I'm not great at keeping up with friendships, but perhaps being friends with other aspie women is the key.

 

[Oodee]

I'm NT so I can't relate to that part that your an aspie, but I can relate to the part where being friends with women is hard. It's just so much work when you have to analyze every single word before you say them, so you won't end up pissing them off. And even if you do that, most likely at some point you still say something that's wrong. I have few good female friends, but they are mostly as dudes as me. I totally understand the need to have a woman as friend, I would be lost without them and feel so lucky to have found people like me, who hate the hassle.
So mostly I came to say, that if you have some female issues or anything else that you want to talk about, feel free to message me. You'll never know, maybe we would get along and maybe I can even help you navigate trough the NT-jungle. And if you end up saying something that hurts my precious feelings, I'll promise to tell you straight up, so you don't have to wonder that did you say something wrong

 

[Sophia D]

Tis true, female friendships tend to be more demanding in phycological aspects, I don't mind talking about emotions, but sometimes it still feels that i'm finding my way around a jungle and don't know what to say (which is true in most convos. actually.)

 

[Icequeen]

I have female acquaintances/friends but not close friends.

Seriously I've found too many that seem unable to say what they mean and mean what they say, or they get offended when I do. Then there is the gossip club, and many seem to be heavily into religion, grand kids...about the only common thread I have with some is flowers. I like to garden.

 

[LadyBird84]

For a long time I thought I couldn't be friends with women because those friendships never lasted very long. Then I realised I have a hard time maintaining friendships with anyone, and the only reason most of my male friends were interested in staying friends with me was because they thought they'd eventually get a chance to date me.

This exactly!

I can make friends with people. (I have no idea how I do it, it kind of happens on accident or the other person does the friend making with me.) But I can't stay friends with people for more than a couple of years. I am friends with two women ATM (one an Aspie as you guys call it and one NT) but I think they are more important to me than I am to them. Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have closer friendships but even when I do I never really feel connected so it seems to make little difference.

I think I struggle to open up and also to trust people which obviously are important in a friendship, but I know that there has to be something more than that. Sometimes I feel like everybody had an instruction manual on these things and they forgot to give me one.

Random observation: I've noticed I tend to click quite often with people with AD(H)D? Like their brain is a bit more like mine than standard NT people?

 

[Quart]

I don't really know what my relationships with other people are. I prefer to stand alone but be backed up if there's a problem.

 

[Gracey]

I’m inclined to question that unspoken rule; ‘Must have friends’

I think I stopped trying long ago to find the complete package in one place.

Perhaps it was down to my expectations of what a friend is?

I seem to have acquired a lot of different things in a lot of different places.
By that I mean I can think of two people I can be honest with and haven’t yet said ‘get lost you weirdo’

I can think of one other person who shares my interest in creativity.

And yet another I can discuss spiritually with.
Another who I can pick up a fact based conversation with after any length of time.
Someone else who will say “no, you’re wrong, look at it another way”

I could go on with my list but won’t.
It’s like finding various outlets in many different places.
I’ve been close to finding the above in just one person but am content enough with the non stifling set up I’ve got going on at the moment.