Not feeling wanted anywhere

[elgat0verde]

Hi everyone

I hope ya'll are doing well.

After a small discussion on another post my brain started going at it and has put me in a certain situation. Now, I am not pushing blame on anyone because obviously is nobody's fault that my head works the way it does, I am not very good at "letting things go" and certain situations just linger in it until they get me either angry or extremely depressed.

I am working on it tho, on letting emotions be here and do their thing and then just dissappear but am not very good at coping with strong feelings.

Anyways, the thing is: I have never felt wanted anywhere

This is one of the many reasons why I am not comfortable in my current place and with my own people, they always made me feel like a weirdo and made fun of me. A lot of my trauma is because of where and how I was raised, I was relentlessly bullied by children and adults the same just for "being different"

This has seeped into my brain and into my emotions and has made me very hateful and extremely insecure because, being easily manipulated, everything I did or thought of was stupid and met with mockery and finger pointing. People in this town treated me badly because they hate my nfather (who is a public personality here, as a politician) and they took that hatred out of me just because I share a last name with him that I never even wanted to have.

It's hard, growing up being known by most people and related to known a person, because you are somehow expected to act and be a certain way. And if you are not that way then you're a weirdo and a freak.

I am not racist, I accept people as they are, I don't care about race, sexual orientation, pronouns preferences, etc. I live my life through respecting others and their decisions instead of trying to change them to how I think and see the world.

I know first hand how it feels when others want to change you and fit you in a mold where you do not belong to by force so I tend to try and not do the same to others because that brings you a lot of depression, self-hatred, insecurity and trauma (amongst other things).

However, everyone in my country/town have always abused me, I live in a somehow small community where everyone knows everyone and everything you do is very thoroughly inspected by the member of society. Growing up as a metalhead people would not accept me because I wore black and liked to listen to my own genre of music that most people did not listen to, then, the metalheads kids would put me in the "preppy" stereotype just because of my last name without getting to know me.

All i've felt and gotten from my community and people is abuse, backstabbing and judgement, that's why I don't like them and I don't like my country. I don't feel better than anyone because I know I am not, I may be good at certain things but other people are good at other things and even better than me at some.

I don't feel almighty or nothing of the sorts towards others, I am very aware that I am just another small speckle of dust in the vast universe.

I just have felt like an outsider all my life and everyone from my country that I've met has pushed that belief to "over 9000" and "turned up the dials up to 11" when it comes to my insecurities and self-hatred.

I hated myself for not being like everyone else, cold and disrespectful. I hated myself for caring and being warm and helpful.

Understand this, the circumstances and situations have made me dislike this country, I don't talk trash about Mexicans cause I'm racist (I'm Mexican myself) nor because I have a God complex.

You can't complain about things that don't hurt after all, when all you know is rejection and hurt, you develop a deep dislike for the people who caused it.

Please don't judge me and don't attack me because that makes me just depressed and feel unwanted, I have a reason to think this way.

The main reason why I want to leave this town is to become a "nobody" just another regular joe that nobody knows instead of the son of a well known politician and the grandson of a very well known cattleman.

I am even going to change my name legally when I finally move out of here to have no relation to any of them and just be left alone and for the judgmental eyes of the world to just be shut and turned somewhere else.

 

[Jordy]

The feeling of not being wanted anywhere is often caused by not being wanted anywhere.

 

[elgat0verde]

People don't want me here?

Why?

Have I been disrespectful towards other members?

 

[elgat0verde]

If I have been disrespectful please forgive me and if y'all don't want me here just please let me in know because I'm very bad at reading non verbal things

 

[elgat0verde]

You can all tell me: "leave" and I'll just leave, no hard feelings at all!

I swear I won't hate you, I believe in leaving from where you are not wanted

An old acquaintance once told me: "If you are not wanted somewhere just leave because you end up stinking up the place in the end"

 

[Rodafina]

People don't want me here?

What makes you feel this way? I don’t see any evidence that you are unwanted here.

Have I been disrespectful towards other members?

No. Have faith in your thoughts and actions. You deserve to exist. You deserve to have a presence. You are a valuable and worthy human being.

I don’t speak for the forum, I can only speak for myself. But in my opinion, you are wanted and welcome here.

 

[elgat0verde]

The feeling of not being wanted anywhere is often caused by not being wanted anywhere.

This @Rodafina

 

[Rodafina]

This @Rodafina

That is one member who does not even know you.

If that is your only evidence, I would encourage you to ignore that.

Look to the evidence that you are welcome. People read your updates, they react with a their own thoughts or a small token of acknowledgment, the emojis. Sure they’re just tiny little pictures, but it means people are reading your words and relating to what you said or caring about you.

If we are sticking to evidence, you received one snide comment from a user that you don’t even know yet, and at least three little hearts and a response from me. So really, that’s 4 to 1 in favor of being wanted, and even understood.

 

[Rodafina]

@elgat0verde
You shared that you were not allowed to value yourself growing up, so now is the time to allow your own self-worth to grow and flourish.

You are a valuable human being on this planet and you are allowed to be imperfect, angry, happy, content, confused. Whatever it is, it’s OK because you are human just like the rest of us. Even though so many of us grew up not even feeling human and even though many of us will never have that sense of “fitting in” we are valuable beings here on earth. zyou have the right to exist and be wherever you are.

I had to learn this too. I have always felt so small and insignificant and made myself silent and invisible for most of my life. Daring to simply exist in the world as I am has been a new experience for me. Put on your armor, let it protect you so that you can stand tall and simply exist here, and anywhere you go. We deserve to take up space in this world.

 

[Kisa the tea]

I want you here. I find your posts interesting. Others do too. Otherwise you wouldn't get any replies on your threads.

 

[elgat0verde]

Thank you all

 

[Misery]

People read your updates, they react with a their own thoughts or a small token of acknowledgment, the emojis. Sure they’re just tiny little pictures, but it means people are reading your words and relating to what you said or caring about you.

Yeah, I'll second this.

Though also @elgat0verde your posts are often being read and acknowledged even without that... like I've read things you posted, but I dont do the emoji reaction whatever-it-is simply because it doesnt occur to me to do so (like seriously I think I've hit that function exactly one time in all the time I've been on this forum). But, I do still see the things you say and can appreciate it.

You're wanted here, I say. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[Wolfiedog]

i grew up the same way. Small town. i was the butt of jokes and treated awfully by others for being different, out there, a geek, and just being a generally out of touch person.
i graduated and moved. i thought this was my chance to start over with people who will probably get me.
Yeah...not so much. That's when i realized that where ever i go, there i am. i couldn't get away from myself.
Same ol' crap.
Now that i'm older and understand what autism is, along with ADHD and other symptoms that i brought most of it on myself. i should have joked back when people made fun of me. i took things far to seriously. i thought life was like a TV show where i was the hero and everyone should see me as i see myself.
i have confidence in myself now and understand that people are just living their lives the best they can for what they know. And most know very little. How they treat me is a clear sign of their own insecurities.
Now i enjoy some self depreciating humor because i'm fine with not being perfect. i poke fun at others only if they know i care and am just having fun. When others are just plain unpleasant, i ignore them. Who the hell are they to try to make me feel inferior or stupid? i could probably outperform any of them on any subject or topic, but why bother when i have nothing to prove to them or myself?
Let it go.
Relax. Enjoy your life. Enjoy what you enjoy.
Laugh along with people instead of taking it seriously. Maybe even come up with a zinger yourself to throw back at people in a friendly way.
But running will solve absolutely nothing. You and i are what we are till the day we pass on. Learn to live with it and learn to live carefree in the NT world because in the end, there is nothing that can be done about it.
There is a great book out there called 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.' The first habit changed my life.
Instead of focusing on things outside of your circle of influence (like how other people think or what they do) focus on what you can actually change. Which in this case would be your perspective and reaction to other people's actions.
Don't react. Respond with a smile on your face and your head held high.
Good luck.

 

[elgat0verde]

But running will solve absolutely nothing.

It worked for me when I moved to an even smaller community in the US

Not calling you a liar or anything nor starting conflict and even less an argument.

But the day when I moved out of this place I ended up in a very good and accepting community in the US.

I was part of the community and people treated me nicely, people wanted me in that community and they made me a part of it.

It was a town of 1000 people, and I had a job I enjoyed and started growing and even bought my first car.

I know I can't take anything seriously or as a personal attack but sometimes I can't help it, I have a very hard time realizing when people are joking, being serious or talking in general or just directing something toward me.

I have a hard time coping with feelings and a lot of trauma and open wounds in my heart.

I really appreciate the words, I do, I know I have to work on myself and I'm trying and failing miserably.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to be, I am terrified of people in person and feel like everyone is just out to get me.

Guess I'm broken beyond repair

 

[elgat0verde]

but I dont do the emoji reaction whatever-it-is simply because it doesnt occur to me to do so

I don't need you to do so

Or anyone in the matter

Just had a moment and still lingering on it, have had a very rough couple of years and it's getting even worse.

 

[MNAus]

It worked for me when I moved to an even smaller community in the US

Not calling you a liar or anything nor starting conflict and even less an argument.

I know I can't take anything seriously or as a personal attack but sometimes I can't help it, I have a very hard time realizing when people are joking, being serious or talking in general or just directing something toward me.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to be, I am terrified of people in person and feel like everyone is just out to get me.

I think this is something that we (though not all, of course) can suffer from. We're missing a sensor in some way, so we try to repurpose our other talents to compensate. See, I just did it too. I worried about making the wrong impression, that someone would jump at me and say "not EVERYONE, you fool. You're generalising." I'm not sure if someone would or not, but I know I don't know, so I internalise the problem and make it my problem to solve. So we overthink, we worry, we try to read the tea leaves, we sharpen our other senses. And that's bloody sad, because we are what we are, and we shouldn't be the ones who need to do all the work. And I think if it goes further it can lead to a feeling of fear, and perhaps resentment or desperation.

So I totally understand where you're coming from. You've taken on board the message that you're the broken cog. I had a bit of a moment with my psychologist a while back where I came to the realisation that I'm the odd one out, and that made me sad. Not in a "woe is me, I'm so unpopular" but a cold, hard understanding that I just don't fit with NTs.

I really appreciate the words, I do, I know I have to work on myself and I'm trying and failing miserably.

and

Guess I'm broken beyond repair

No, you're not. We need to take on board the idea of diversity. we are not the same, but we are not wrong or broken. Ands more importantly it doesn't just have to be about working on ourselves. I don't know where it came from where if you're not a social butterfly you need to be fixed, because that hurts introverts but it can be so damaging to people on the spectrum. Improve yourself for yourself, not to fit with others ideas of how people should be.

 

[Fino]

I don't think Jordy meant to imply that you're not wanted here.

 

[NB79]

I think It's not that people don't want others here, its like because it costs to know people, its harder as autists.
I would think lots of persons here have good intentions and would want to be friends with everyone, but we can't maybe because autism barrier or other things, people are also with their own issues etc.

 

[elgat0verde]

I don't think Jordy meant to imply that you're not wanted here.

It was explained to me

As stated, I am not good at seeing things as a "general idea" and always see everything as directed towards me

 

[elgat0verde]

I would think lots of persons here have good intentions and would want to be friends with everyone, but we can't maybe because autism barrier or other thing

I agree

I am like this myself, have a hard time befriending people and keeping those friendships

moreso when I go into my own chest and lock it tightly