Not having a good enough memory to be cultured

[Persevero]

This concerns having a difficult time with finding people you can easily hang out with.

I don't like talking about clothes. When it comes to non-American football I couldn't care less except when it comes to World/Euro cups. I despise reality shows and talking about people behind their backs. The list of common topic goes on and on which I'm not worried about not being talkative about.

But I do know people who are philosophers, who are really into some of the music I like, who have traveled just as much as I have, who have visited more museums and landmarks than I have, who read interesting books, etc. And I still can't make conversation, not for more than a few minutes anyway. I'm amazed when people tell me they discussed a certain topic with a friend for an hour or two - then I feel inferior.

That's because my problem isn't small talk in itself, it's conversation about subjects in general. I only remember snippets of news stories I have just read not 3 hours ago. I have difficulty summarizing the book I finished reading the night before, and if I do manage to do so it doesn't sound appealing even to me. I remember "pictures" of my travels in my head and I remember liking them, but if you asked me why or what I liked best I'll struggle to put it into words.

So what happens is the only kind of conversations I end up having are the ones that have potential to be intriguing, but don't go anywhere - exceptions being when I ask questions and just let the other person talk. And small talk, like "how have you been", talking about something that just happened in class and yes, the freaking weather.

I find myself coming to the conclusion that I don't hate being different and for potentially being on the spectrum, I hate not being able to make people I like and who are nice to me enjoy my company. I don't thinking having an improved memory would immediately erase my problems, but it would go a long way. Don't know if this thread is supposed to achieve anything, but if you have suggestions on how to improve "access memory" quality and time I'll be glad to read them.

 

[Etzelaire]

Maybe with daily training and better alimentation you'd increase your capacity, I don't know it's a complex matter.

 

[Ste11aeres]

exceptions being when I ask questions and just let the other person talk.

My best friend has good conversational results, just by doing what you described.
I always have to prepare my side of conversations in advance in order to enjoy the conversations. I'm unable to do so with most people, since they are so unpredictable (to me at least), and therefore I don't enjoy conversing with most people.
Being cultured is not just a matter of what you remember, nor of conversing well (although that's a great trait to have, if one is capable of it), it is also just a matter of how you think, of what you think about. If you are able to enjoy a profound book, then you have a cultured mind, even if you're unable to show it to other people.
In my own life, I separate the intellectual component of my life from the social one. If there is someone I enjoy being around, we don't have to be intellectual together. If I want to think, I prefer to do it alone. My father and brother are different, they use their intellects to socialize, to argue on intellectual subjects, etc. But me, I would rather do my thinking in solitude.
Maybe it would be nice to be able to have those types of conversations. But if you really are able to ask questions and listen, that is good too. Maybe you can be content only with saying an occasional good thought in the midst of such listening conversations. Maybe with time you will find that as a result of practice you are slowly able to contribute more intellectual stuff to conversations. I think habit and practice can play a role in such things. Unfortunately, as aspies, we don't get much practice because we usually have fewer chances to socialize or converse with others than do most other people.
Be glad that you at least have the ability to appreciate such conversations even if you have only a limited ability to verbally add to them.

 

[Alex Bogue]

I have trouble just being socially awkward, but I can always find common ground.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Possibly helpful:

How To Talk About Books You Haven’t Read | Brain Pickings

 

[Cali Cat]

... the only kind of conversations I end up having are the ones that have potential to be intriguing, but don't go anywhere - exceptions being when I ask questions and just let the other person talk ... I hate not being able to make people I like and who are nice to me enjoy my company ...

I have trouble verbalizing my thoughts too. I'm much better at writing them. When I talk, I stumble while trying to keep up with my thoughts, and things get confused in my head. However, I've found that I can make people enjoy my company just as you described above. I can ask them questions and be a good listener. People in general love to talk about themselves and to give their viewpoints to others. If you're a good listener, you'll always find people who want to talk to you. Of course, they might tell you more than you want to know, which can be the down side to this, but you'll have their company at least.

As for being cultured, I agree with Ste11aeres. Culture is what you think and what you do, not how well you express it verbally.

For practice, you might try journaling daily to improve your storytelling skills. Write about what happened during the day in story form. Try to capture the emotion of it. It's not easy, but it may help you to piece together bits of information into a coherent whole.

 

[Ylva]

I still think socialising is all about knowing the right scripts. That's why people sometimes say things like "I don't know what to say". They don't know the script for that situation. Although the accepted scripts are often quite annoying.

 

[Christy]

I've come to learn that I have executive functioning issues, which sounds like what may be the cause of your issues??? I believe it's fairly common amongst people with autism/aspergers.

According to this website What Is Executive Function? | Executive Functioning

Executive function is a set of mental processes that helps connect past experience with present action. People use it to perform activities such as planning, organizing, strategizing, paying attention to and remembering details, and managing time and space.

If you have trouble with executive function, these things are more difficult to do. You may also show a weakness with working memory, which is like “seeing in your mind’s eye.” This is an important tool in guiding your actions.

I don't have any specific suggestions to help you, but I thought that if you had the right term to search with, you may have more success googling tools to help you.

 

[May Black]

Have you considered writing a journal for exercise? If you have troubles describing events in a way that makes sense to another person and even is entertaining for them you might need to practice.

 

[Persevero]

Like Cali Cat and May Black have said, writing a journal is very likely a good start. I had thought of this myself but I confess I really didn't care for it. I'll take it more seriously now.