Not really sure how to describe this.

[Metalhead]

I feel as if I were to let go of my anger towards my past, there would be very little left of me left to exist.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life in bitterness.

I have to build a new person out of myself.

Maybe moving to the other side of the country is my best bet. But I have tried the geographic cure before, and I took all of my problems with me then.

I really just feel like curling up on my couch and dozing off for a while. And I know the sleep problems are playing a major role in that these days.

 

[AdamG]

For myself, I've been going through my past and ... not reimagining what happened, but reevaluating my reactions and interpretations. I find that, sure, I did indeed live in a very traumatic household growing up, but many of the old angers and resentments .. seeing myself as autistic in retrospect gives me a broader perspective. My family wasn't bad to me, so much as just being their own dysfunctional selves, and because I was so "different" and misunderstood, a lot of it came out onto me.
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So, I've been letting go of the anger. And what does that leave? I don't know.
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Going through a large pain transition period for myself (back pain and joint pain in the limbs) which .. I interpret as years of pent up anger and tension that I have been storing in my body. As it releases, oh heck yes it will hurt, and make my movements potentially dangerous if I'm not careful. So it .. well it totally sucks.
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But my point is, once this is over (and it will be) I'll be able to pick up the pieces, and see what I can be instead of resentful and angry. I don't know at all what that will be. So yeah, it is scary.
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It is sometimes hard not to just sleep all day for me too.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I feel as if I were to let go of my anger towards my past, there would be very little left of me left to exist.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life in bitterness.

I have to build a new person out of myself.

Maybe moving to the other side of the country is my best bet. But I have tried the geographic cure before, and I took all of my problems with me then.

I really just feel like curling up on my couch and dozing off for a while. And I know the sleep problems are playing a major role in that these days.

Hello
I am a fellow experiencer of bitterness towards my past, self reproach for not seeking help when I needed it in 1985, and blown the opportunity to improve my life, THEN and not wait till now.
Like you I moved, I like where I live now. I took my **** with me though, as I was only aware I was hurting, and did not know the cause of the hurt.
The anger is not you, like mine, it's a valid feeling, towards those who wronged us.
It's what we do with it, and it is my goal to learn how to process the anger, to make space in my head to fulfil self improvement needs.
I have felt bitterness "Dissolve" before, it needs examining as we cannot solve problems or deal with nasty feelings and fears, if we cannot see them.
It's a work in progress and I am still processing bitterness, among other things.
We are not our anger, we are changing a feeling in a healthy way so we can become more of who were really meant to be, our real self, before the wrongdoing distorted things.
I was meant to be an artist, an advisor of sorts, some kind of teacher, I am not blowing my own trumpet, EVERYONE has special talents and attributes, the only difference between the well-known people like Elon, Musk and Beethoven, and any special figure, is that they were aware that every human is and don't make a special gifts. They knew that everybody was special. It's just that the ones with self-awareness discovered that all specialness.
The fact that you are saying you want to build a new person out of yourself, and recognising a change for best needs to take place, you are in a great place.
I have some web content creators that I follow, who have really helped me, none of this new age stuff for me. Positivity.
I hope this helps and you know that there is at least one other person who hopefully can get a feel for what you are experiencing.

 

[Wolfnox]

It’s hard but, not impossible. Always a battle though.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think your mom (and probably others) has just tried beating you down too hard. You might just need to remember all the things that are great about you and realize her insults are just a reaction to those things. Build up confidence. You have every reason to have it!!!

 

[Rodafina]

Remember your recent considerations of bipolar. Maybe you can try to notice if this is a depressive phase after you have been having so much positivity. Maybe it’s time to talk to a therapist right now, check your meds, and get some support outside of your family.

 

[Au Naturel]

I feel as if I were to let go of my anger towards my past, there would be very little left of me left to exist.

You are not alone. Many people tie their identity to a negative emotional state. They hang onto their anger/fear/victimhood like Gollum holding onto his Precious.

It isn't something to be "worked through." Time alone won't heal it because you keep dredging it up. Every time you remember it, you reinforce it.

You have to let it go. If you can't do it on your own, that's what therapists are for.

 

[Metalhead]

You are not alone. Many people tie their identity to a negative emotional state. They hang onto their anger/fear/victimhood like Gollum holding onto his Precious.

It isn't something to be "worked through." Time alone won't heal it because you keep dredging it up. Every time you remember it, you reinforce it.

You have to let it go. If you can't do it on your own, that's what therapists are for.

Yeah, I would rather be known as the best damn film critic on the Internet than to be known as a whine factory.

 

[Metalhead]

When I was 9, I was sent to a hospital where they dealt with my sensory meltdowns by giving me a couple of daily overdoses of Lithium. I wish I had the money for a lawyer to sue that damn hellhole for their criminally negligent actions actions.

I was as thin as a rail when I entered that hospital. Three months later, when I was discharged, I was very overweight. Hearing a nonstop string of cruel fat slurs from my sister, my aunt and my grandmother - that was a part of my childhood. And my mother told me these people loved me and would never say those horrible things - she was gaslighting me right from the start.

I wish I could take a pill and lose 70 lbs overnight. I lost 30 lbs so far. I need to lose 70 more. And now my mother is telling me the progress I made is not good enough since I still have a fat belly, and that I should eat under 1,200 calories a day while working out at the gym twice a day if I “really” wanted to lose weight. I will refrain from using the profane terms I want to respond to that sentiment with.

 

[Au Naturel]

When I was 9, I was sent to a hospital where they dealt with my sensory meltdowns by giving me a couple of daily overdoses of Lithium. I wish I had the money for a lawyer to sue that damn hellhole for their criminally negligent actions actions.

I was as thin as a rail when I entered that hospital. Three months later, when I was discharged, I was very overweight. Hearing a nonstop string of cruel fat slurs from my sister, my aunt and my grandmother - that was a part of my childhood. And my mother told me these people loved me and would never say those horrible things - she was gaslighting me right from the start.

I wish I could take a pill and lose 70 lbs overnight. I lost 30 lbs so far. I need to lose 70 more. And now my mother is telling me the progress I made is not good enough since I still have a fat belly, and that I should eat under 1,200 calories a day while working out at the gym twice a day if I “really” wanted to lose weight. I will refrain from using the profane terms I want to respond to that sentiment with.

You need to get away from her. That is not someone who is going to help you.

 

[Metalhead]

You need to get away from her. That is not someone who is going to help you.

She has always steamrolled over my personal and sexual boundaries, she has always told me my best efforts were never good enough, she takes pride in the fact that she always sided with everybody who has ever hurt me in my life - then she claims she did all of this “because she loves me”.

She is a horrible human being. The c-bomb was invented to describe her parenting style.

 

[All-Rounder]

Some mothers don't have physical power so they indulge in mental manipulation. My mother's needs are primarily manipulation, emotionally, she spills lies by the count of words coming out and often I don't realize that most people [nts] aren't like that.

She uses every means even the fact it rains as an excuse to aggravate me, she draws me in and waits for mistakes and then punishes me for them, just human things, like forgetting something over in her room.

she is not looking for logic, she is looking for arguments to feed off of them, she tricks me she understands something 5 minutes later to say she doesn't believe it. Very good at arguments and tactics and because I was raised into this environment it becomes harder for me to be able to effectively preview or expect things, I sometimes relax and am not cautious enough. It costs health, time.

I get great results by ignoring and not taking anything she says seriously or to heart. The more time I get away from her and shared environment, the more positive it is. Despite having a lock on the door and her not being able to cross physical and sexual boundaries, she tries manipulation through the door and roughs the door up physically. I have to avoid getting drawn into the drama while my emotions are still in low tresholds, because her games have the ability to make me so angry that my head will ache.

 

[All-Rounder]

https://www.regain.us/advice/parenting/11-signs-you-have-an-emotionally-abusive-mother/

 

[AdamG]

My mom did the same sorts of things - if she didn't understand something then I was wrong. And haha she didn't understand me at all !!! But she went from calling me a crazy monster, to hugging me and telling me how much she loved me. So ... emotion and thus emotional control just confused me from a very young age. Now that I know I'm autistic, it makes even that much more sense.
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But I do get how growing up with someone who is belittling, and hostile, and constantly re-writing history (or just plain not remembering what JUST HAPPENED) ... is very harmful.
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Fortunately I haven't lived with my parents for many years. But I have stopped even visiting them. I'll see them if I don't have to take a full day's drive (now-a-days that's a 2 day drive with motel) to have to stay for a week and be disrespected. :-/ I love my parents, my dad is just very closed up which is terrible for a kid but fine now, and my mom is better. Much better. But I can't be around her that long. I'll speak with her on the phone once every couple weeks.
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Anyway, @Metalhead you are definitely not alone here. And it is not unsurmountable, though it is very painful at times.

 

[All-Rounder]

Thinking about it, it was always a very weird discomfort my mom would randomly treat me nice, after treating me horribly, it's to make things unpredictable "creating distrust and making it difficult to know where your relationship stands."

The brain reward center is stimulated and lazy results will not be gotten, it's like training obedience for not knowing when the reward will come, pays off more in terms of repeated action than if it's predictable.

The person becomes dependent and hard working for something that doesn't offer themselves growth and keeps them in limbo. The chances of success and growth of the individual are effectively prevented.

 

[All-Rounder]

It's not your fault she treats you like this, it's not true what she says and will never be true even if you start believing it, don't argue with her about it as nothing will ever change, this is the sort of person she is and she has no interest in changing, understanding, and she probably knows what she's doing but will not admit.

"Gave him the password to my iCloud and home security because he said he was ‘worried about us’.” “I granted access to my camera system and deadbolt passcode.” “Co-signed for an auto loan.” “Took on a huge bank loan, which he defaulted on and left me paying for…on my own.” “My roommate moved out and left me hanging out to dry on the rent.” “Paid off the credit card debt.” “Gave him my money for anything he asked for.” "He didn't have a car, so I gave him mine...and gas money when I needed him to drive me places." “I was in a long-distance relationship right out of college. He lived with his mom at the time. He invited me to come meet his mom and stay with them, but I stated that I felt more comfortable staying at a hotel. The day I arrived was the same day the power company came knocking to turn off the power. I was about to leave and pay for a hotel for the week when he convinced me it was just as much money to pay to keep on the lights. Plus, it was his MOM and I did want to make a good impression, right? I paid a fee for at-the-door service and the bill. I slept on the couch which was super uncomfortable. His mom wasn't destitute. She liked to drink, smoke, and gamble. I often wonder if they scheduled the "at the door service" to put me on the spot. They were both very manipulative and I was eager to be accepted.” Karolina Grabowska/Pexels “Drove them back and forth 2.5 hours each way to sports practice because they were 'tired from working all day' and I wasn't supportive if I didn't help. Never mind that I also had a demanding 9-5 job.” “We were living a half-hour apart, and he would just expect me to be there whenever he demanded. I could not take time to settle my own business, like if I was in the middle of laundry or a task; just jump in the car and go. One time I took too long (according to him) and he screamed at me for hours." “My partner’s ex destroyed over $500 worth of my things, simply because she felt she was entitled to do so. We are now in small claims court because she was clearly legally wrong, but she is refusing to take any responsibility.” “My ex-wife violated the court restraining order, was caught on a security camera doing so, and was arrested for trespassing…she blamed me and told our kids I was at fault.” “Taking him back over and over, thinking the breaks were part of his 'process' rather than seeing that our connection was a joke to him. Believing the best in him when he continued to prove me wrong.” Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels “Watching myself act crazy because he knew exactly how to say things that would upset me and then he would turn around and call ME unhinged.” “Attacked me verbally for setting strict boundaries.” “Bailed him out of jail.” “I was with a guy that was in the middle of a custody situation. I helped him with (read: did all of) the legal footwork and filing papers. He ended up dropping everything and went back to his ex.” “I researched, filled out, completed, and provided my ex’s family with their immigration documentation…only for them to be racist and abusive to me.” “I lied under oath for a deposition during his divorce and custody/alimony battle.” “I covered for him when questioned about his alcohol consumption and habits.” “My first husband only wanted two kids…he convinced me that was the perfect size family. When my second was born, I had my tubes tied. Now that I am remarried, I can’t have any more children with my new husband.” “I married them.” “She convinced me that she was just friends with the guy she was cheating with and that I was imagining things. She finally admitted to it when she finished her degree program and got a better job…and she was financially able to leave me.” Turning the Tables Narcissists are skilled at rationalizing every situation mentioned above – and more. Not only can they turn an outrageous situation normal, but they can convince sane, levelheaded individuals that they are dramatic, irrational, and crazy. Gaslighting and micromanipulations are just a couple of the tools that narcissists use for confusing the victim in a relationship and keeping them under control. No matter the type of relationship, narcissistic abuse is real but can be overcome. The lack of empathy or sympathizing is a hallmark of a narcissistic partner and can cause major emotional damage. Finding a qualified counselor or life coach is a key to starting over and reclaiming your self-respect.

 

[AdamG]

Thinking about it, it was always a very weird discomfort my mom would randomly treat me nice, after treating me horribly, it's to make things unpredictable "creating distrust and making it difficult to know where your relationship stands."

I think for at least why my mom did this to me ... and it was horrible but I do like understanding behavior (which makes me good at masking, if I have a full battery) so, I think she felt bad for going all off on me like that. I mean, she just saw what she did, how horribly she screamed me down until I was curled up on the floor crying, and thought that it would be SUPER USEFUL to go back and say how much she loved me. Like an apology.
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but you know, already overloaded here, mixed signals, don't believe either one of them now.

 

[AdamG]

heh, my mom also always says "I'll never lie to you and never have". But ... what if two diametrically opposed sentences come out of your mouth? One of them IS a lie. So...