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Not sure if I should date.

Juliet8080

Well-Known Member
I've been very anxious lately. There's a guy I've liked for like 2 years and we're good friends and hang out sometimes. Sometimes I go a bit far in my Aspie fantasies and think waaaay into our future even though we're not even dating. Problem is, I like him, and yet I feel like I don't want to date him not because of him, but because I feel like having a boyfriend would trap me. I would suddenly have obligations and a commitment. I keep going back and forth on this and I don't know what to do. I fear he'll ask me out at some point because he might like me back and I don't know what to say! Even if I just tried it out, I can't figure out my own emotions so I wouldn't know if I would be happy or not. I wouldn't know if I'm "in love" or if I feel something when we hold hands. Does anyone have experience with this or have any advice? I'm really freaking out about this because I don't know if I want to be single and free my whole life or start a family someday... Please help. :(
 
I've "dated" (loosest definition of the word) people with commitment issues and have to totally admit that I also have commitment issues. I don't think that getting into a serious relationship while being conscious of having such issues is a good idea - for yourself or the other person. It's ok to take time to figure things out. It's also okay to experiment, but it's very important that both of you are 100% on the same page and aware that you have these uncertainties, so that no one gets more committed than is appropriate and/or expects the other to do the same.
 
I feel like having a boyfriend would trap me. I would suddenly have obligations and a commitment. I keep going back and forth on this and I don't know what to do. I fear he'll ask me out at some point because he might like me back and I don't know what to say! Even if I just tried it out, I can't figure out my own emotions so I wouldn't know if I would be happy or not. I wouldn't know if I'm "in love" or if I feel something when we hold hands
At your age (17, by your profile), whether or not you find yourself in a romantic relationship, things are bound to be wonderful, carefree, fun, and then heartbroken. It's just a normal part of growing up. Yes, you may feel "trapped" and have "obligations," but they wouldn't last. I hope this doesn't sound too condescending, but really, I think you should ask him, and I think this is an experience everyone needs to go through, if they possibly can. Maybe you'll wind up hurt, or maybe things will go well and, if they do end, it will be amicable.

One word of caution: You mention that you have been good friends. That is a whole other can of worms.

I can't tell you how to feel, or think, or what to do. I guess it'd be best, right now, to go with your gut, whatever that instinct may be. Clearly, you are happy being with him. You have to ask yourself, "What would be the difference?" Are you looking for more emotional intimacy, a potential sexual relationship? All factors are a setup for satisfaction and for hurt. I can't guess how your friend feels about you, whether he feels the same. But I would like to reiterate my (admittedly condescending) opinion...you don't have a lot to lose, no matter what you decide.
 
I think your at an age where dating is ok, but it's too early for long term commitments. There's no way to know if you will like dating other then to try it for a while. About the only commitment you should be considering is whether you go steady with someone or date multiple people. I wouldn't even begin to think about getting married until 22-25 at earliest. It of course can come at any time later.
 
Thanks to everyone who replied!

I would definitely not marry until my mid twenties at the earliest. And also I don't want to ever get in a "temporary" relationship on purpose. Why date if you both know it's going to end in a break-up? The way I see it, there's only two options at a certain point: Break up, or get married. They're both so drastic I get freaked out!

Also, when I say commitment, I mean like planning to see each other like twice a week or whatever. Some weeks I might want to see him every single day, others I won't want to see him for three months. It's stressful being so consistent.
 
To be honest, there is a third option. You can just live together as well, marriage isn't an obligation if you ask me (I don't know about your religious situation though)

I have the same commitment thing with my girlfriend. But I explained it to her and she doesn't mind too much. I sometimes force myself to meet up even if I don't feel like it very much but I tend to like it when we meet.

She knows about my issues so she doesn't mind if I need some time for myself and whatever. If your partner cares about you they don't mind your problems too much and try to help you with it.
To me she has been an amazing help with my personal issues and I'm pretty sure I would be a lot more depressed if it weren't for her.
So it can be a big gain or a bit commitment, depending on the person (and on yourself as well)
It's an issue we can't solve for you so you'll have to find out what you want to get out of it and weigh that against the dangers.

Whatever you pick, good luck with it, don't rush a decision is all I want to add
 
And also I don't want to ever get in a "temporary" relationship on purpose. Why date if you both know it's going to end in a break-up?

I've been told it's a good way of seeing who you like to date, and if your final plan is to get married to somebody, it's a way of seeing what that person might eventually be like, or at least what they will not be like. Unfortunately, I am not able to verify this claim, and since I don't plan on getting married I don't really have any reason to do so anyway. But I am passing it along as a potential consideration

Also, when I say commitment, I mean like planning to see each other like twice a week or whatever. Some weeks I might want to see him every single day, others I won't want to see him for three months. It's stressful being so consistent.
You could try something like this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship_anarchy
Relationship anarchists look at each relationship (romantic or otherwise) individually, as opposed to categorizing them according to societal norms such as 'just friends', 'in a relationship', 'in an open relationship', etc.

Again, never tried it, but it tickles my anarchy bone. It kind of describes a few of my interactions over teh webz from before I knew the term, and seems worth trying in meatspace...should anyone crop up there that I find worth trying....
 
Dating is kind of a self resolving system. Yes, I also felt like I wouldn't date unless I genuinely liked the person and intended to see how it would go. But its kind of understood that neither knows how it will work out, or for how long and most dating partnerships eventually break up. You don't really get to know the person until after you have been dating for a while. And it can be a useful experience, dating different people over time, to learn what works and what doesn't. Just be sure to always date carefully and safely.
 
Problem is, I like him, and yet I feel like I don't want to date him not because of him, but because I feel like having a boyfriend would trap me. I would suddenly have obligations and a commitment.


I can understand how you feel about the possibility of feeling "trapped". It's a condition I avoid in pretty much every area of my life, and if I sense that I am, I thrash and panic like hell inside and it feels awful.

But here's the thing: One of the functions of dating when you're a teenager is to learn responsibility, cooperation, judgment and self-restraint that will help prepare you for adult life. You don't have to date to acquire those skills, but it's one of the more fun and potentially rewarding ways of doing it.

And dating doesn't have to entail being cornered or overly committed. There are all levels of dating relationships and you are free to choose for yourself which ones are comfortable (even none at all) at any given stage of your life. Spending time together doesn't have to be super-consistent. In fact, it rarely is. People have other obligations, different moods, and other things they want to do. Part of dating is learning how to negotiate that. It's usually not that hard to work out. You just have to be honest, willing to understand, and willing to compromise sometimes.

You've mentioned a couple of different fears in your post. Just try to keep in mind that a lot of things look scary from the outside, but are a pleasant surprise once you actually get into them. Also remember that all of this is just in your head right now. There is no actual, real-time decision point yet, right? You can drive yourself nuts speculating about "could".


Even if I just tried it out, I can't figure out my own emotions so I wouldn't know if I would be happy or not. I wouldn't know if I'm "in love" or if I feel something when we hold hands. Does anyone have experience with this or have any advice? I'm really freaking out about this because I don't know if I want to be single and free my whole life or start a family someday... Please help. :(


Whoa whoa whoa! You're speculating ahead of real-time conditions again! :D You have a loooong time before you have to think about marriage and family. You don't even have to worry about love right now. Like others have said here, dating is experimenting. It's a learning process that starts with small steps in a general direction, that's all. You're not hopping into a barrel that's going to hurtle straight over a waterfall.

I had a very hard time understanding my feelings at your age, too. Being an Aspie didn't help, but everybody goes through some degree of confusion about emotions in adolescence and young adulthood. It's the period when you begin to learn about who you really are as an individual -- I'm sure you've heard this. Who's a master of anything at the very beginning? It's by trying out situations where different kinds of emotions can happen that we learn to sort out what they are, and what they mean. Just start with this one: Am I enjoying this? Then go from there. It really can be that simple, to start with. After a while you can study the feelings that come to you naturally in more depth. It will happen on its own, most likely.

And also I don't want to ever get in a "temporary" relationship on purpose. Why date if you both know it's going to end in a break-up? The way I see it, there's only two options at a certain point: Break up, or get married. They're both so drastic I get freaked out!


If you learn one thing here, learn this: You can never know if any relationship will only be temporary, even friendships or relationships with family. It's best to assume that all of them could be, because you can never really know. I get the idea that not knowing what will happen is a big sticking point for you; wanting to feel like you have control. The reality is that you can't ever control or predict the future completely. So whaddaya do? You live in the "now" and make choices based on how that's going. This is more true of relationships with other people than in any other aspect of your life. But it takes a lot of practice. Again, you can start with the simple question, "Am I enjoying this?" and work from there. You'll get the hang of it.

Why date if you both know it's going to end in a breakup? Well, if you feel you have good, realistic reasons to "know" something won't work, then don't date that person to begin with. Dating isn't just about emotions. There's a lot of thinking involved, too. If you feel you're not great with emotions, you still have cognition to back you up and help you make choices.

Breakups don't have to be drastic, by the way. I split with my first husband very amicably, and we're still friends. We just decided we weren't really right for each other. My boyfriend before him is still one of my very best friends of all time. One pretty sure-fire way to reduce the potential for drastic endings by 50% is not to behave drastically yourself. ;) Yeah, I do have a couple of exes I'd rather never see again, because I feel things ended badly. But you know, the learning I did in those relationships was worth the trouble. People who never go through "stuff" are pretty one-dimensional.

People learn and grow by being open to doing, Juliet. You're not going to evolve on this without action, at some point. Maybe not now -- but know that discussing it will never be enough to make you feel totally comfortable, just better informed.
 
Your 17 don't be afraid to experience life, the only way to never get hurt or find a happy relationship is never try.

Isn't there a saying for that something like" it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved before".
 

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