vegasgregg
New Member
Hello, my name is Gregg i am currently sixty-nine years old, one day about five years ago playing around on my computer I discovered two new terms that seemed to grab my attention demanding further inquiry. The first was Asperger's syndrome it was in reference to the South Park cartoon, twisting the name to ass-burgers, curious I googled it. By the time I finished reading the first article I recognized myself. Searching for more information I found the online testing sites, every one I took scored in the 32-35 range. The scores seemed to indicate a possible explanation to my life long battle with identity. The second term was found while researching the first, asexuality as describing an orientation in reference to humans, rather than a plant or microbial process.
As I explored these two descriptive phrases they seemed to explain so much of the confusion I had experienced through out my life. I was in rather poor condition at the time of discovery, about eight to ten years into a self isolated depression rarely leaving my condo other than to see a doctor, or go to the store. My health in general was poor, as a result of my depression and inactivity I was obese (330 to 350) diabetic, a lifetime alcoholic, with a lot of related symptoms from gout to intense anxiety. For me understanding myself was the key to unlock the doors I was hiding behind. Armed with these new concepts I sought answers online, I found a generous retired professional annalist who has been offering me some psychiatric counseling, now I find myself over a hundred pounds less, drink free for over four years and I have been enjoying my ongoing recovery as a process of self discovery for well over five years now. I actually occasionally leave the house more than twice a week, I am even planning a two day trip out of town... last one was a few years back, I don't remember for sure. I still have only two friends, one is my annalist, and the other has been close for many years now and is the causation of my trip. I am still trying to have more than one or two in person conversations per week with anyone, about anything, but that requires leaving the house.
In the early fifties when I started school autism was not understood, I was also an only child born into a middle class, loving but dysfunctional family. Uprooted from my developing adolescent world at around twelve thirteen due to my parents relocating I was unable to adjust so I dropped out of school and ran away from home at sixteen, joined the Navy in desperation at seventeen. School was difficult, I never learned to write (other than capital block printing), and due to my dyslexia, I could barely read with little comprehension. Throughout my life I had no difficulty taking care of myself as long as I managed to keep everything simple and uncomplicated socially. Work life was easy as long as I worked alone and did not need to read much, if math was limited to basics I could handle most anything. I survived in the cracks and crevices of society, usually living in cars, tents, or r v's I even had a converted school bus for a while. Socially I usually had one best friend who accepted me as I presented at that particular stage of my development. My social world emanated from them, the remainder of my social experience was whatever reflected from their shadow. Keeping everything simple, and understandable was all that mattered.
I just never fit in... anywhere. I was always the unconnected person nobody knew what to do with, the odd man who's oneness by necessity meant he needed to be left out. Which was more than okay by me, from my point of view simplicity was my friend, my preferred state of being. It was from others that I sensed my oddness, internally it presented as normal. I moved constantly looking for the square hole that I fit into everyone kept saying it will come, be patient... the magic beam across the crowded room will light up in neon, you will find the one and life will begin anew. I never found the courage to say how much I feared those crowded rooms, I just packed up and left... things are getting a little complicated, so good by.
This is a representative display of my condition, when I sat down I was determined to just say Hi in one sentence and move on, save my life history for future postings, if I don't check myself here this will turn into a book. So let me finish with... Hi.
As I explored these two descriptive phrases they seemed to explain so much of the confusion I had experienced through out my life. I was in rather poor condition at the time of discovery, about eight to ten years into a self isolated depression rarely leaving my condo other than to see a doctor, or go to the store. My health in general was poor, as a result of my depression and inactivity I was obese (330 to 350) diabetic, a lifetime alcoholic, with a lot of related symptoms from gout to intense anxiety. For me understanding myself was the key to unlock the doors I was hiding behind. Armed with these new concepts I sought answers online, I found a generous retired professional annalist who has been offering me some psychiatric counseling, now I find myself over a hundred pounds less, drink free for over four years and I have been enjoying my ongoing recovery as a process of self discovery for well over five years now. I actually occasionally leave the house more than twice a week, I am even planning a two day trip out of town... last one was a few years back, I don't remember for sure. I still have only two friends, one is my annalist, and the other has been close for many years now and is the causation of my trip. I am still trying to have more than one or two in person conversations per week with anyone, about anything, but that requires leaving the house.
In the early fifties when I started school autism was not understood, I was also an only child born into a middle class, loving but dysfunctional family. Uprooted from my developing adolescent world at around twelve thirteen due to my parents relocating I was unable to adjust so I dropped out of school and ran away from home at sixteen, joined the Navy in desperation at seventeen. School was difficult, I never learned to write (other than capital block printing), and due to my dyslexia, I could barely read with little comprehension. Throughout my life I had no difficulty taking care of myself as long as I managed to keep everything simple and uncomplicated socially. Work life was easy as long as I worked alone and did not need to read much, if math was limited to basics I could handle most anything. I survived in the cracks and crevices of society, usually living in cars, tents, or r v's I even had a converted school bus for a while. Socially I usually had one best friend who accepted me as I presented at that particular stage of my development. My social world emanated from them, the remainder of my social experience was whatever reflected from their shadow. Keeping everything simple, and understandable was all that mattered.
I just never fit in... anywhere. I was always the unconnected person nobody knew what to do with, the odd man who's oneness by necessity meant he needed to be left out. Which was more than okay by me, from my point of view simplicity was my friend, my preferred state of being. It was from others that I sensed my oddness, internally it presented as normal. I moved constantly looking for the square hole that I fit into everyone kept saying it will come, be patient... the magic beam across the crowded room will light up in neon, you will find the one and life will begin anew. I never found the courage to say how much I feared those crowded rooms, I just packed up and left... things are getting a little complicated, so good by.
This is a representative display of my condition, when I sat down I was determined to just say Hi in one sentence and move on, save my life history for future postings, if I don't check myself here this will turn into a book. So let me finish with... Hi.
