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not sure

Flowerpower123

Flowerpower123

New Member
Hi there, I’m new to this forum so apologies if any of my terminology is incorrect.

I need some advice as I have reason to believe my ex (currently separated husband) is mildly on the spectrum. He is undiagnosed and I don’t believe is aware of it himself.

Sadly he left me when I became ill last year after caring for me for a year. We’ve been married for two years and together for seven.

I suffered from long covid and this effected my ability to behave normally (extreme tiredness, irritability and I believe ptsd).
He got very overwhelmed and ended things abruptly.

He hadn’t been clear for his reasons in the first two weeks of the break up and so we were at logger heads because neither of us was able to communicate effectively. The day of the breakup he moved out, and since has told me he cares about me and loves me but isn’t in love anymore. He also told me in anger he was 100% single till I pointed out we were still married! He said he couldn’t wait to be single and up until last week he refused to communicate with me or see me and asked for a divorce over the phone after only a month of separation.

I hadn’t seen him for three months but he finally agreed to meet last week and we were able to talk it out for ‘closure’. He picked me up and was very kind, when we reached our house his demeanour changed and he seemed overwhelmed again. I believe the house represents a stressful period for him mentally and therefore he seems to switch back to that state of mind.

I comforted him and calmed him down. After asking where he felt things went wrong, he told me he was mentally exhausted back then and my decision making had made him feel like he couldn’t be himself. I apologised profusely but explained that his assumptions weren’t true and that my illness meant things weren’t as they seemed. He was also able to see that I was no longer sick anymore and behaving a lot more calmly like my old self.

After reading off my notes he responded quickly without thinking. He said he didn’t feel that way about me, and so I acknowledged it and accepted it. He asked me how I wanted to go about the next steps and I told him it was up to him. He got very frustrated at this which confused me. He still showed care and revealed the reason he hadn’t filed for divorce all this time, was because it was still too raw and fresh. It felt very contradicting. He also got very funny about getting with someone new when I asked him if he had and made it clear he wouldn’t be. He almost walked out!

He seemed overwhelmed when packing up his things and at one point I advised he sit down and I got him some water because he said he needed it.

As soon as we left the house he drove me back to my mums and we had a great chat. It felt like there was still chemistry between us and I’m pretty sure he felt it too, as I left I told him I’d always love him and he knew where to find me if he changed his mind. He gave me a big hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he agreed to collect the marriage certificate from our house soon in order to get the process started. Because he can’t file without it!

I left him with the notes I’d read on our meetup and a card to show I was still wanting to make it work, so he’d have time to reflect instead of making a quick decision on the spot.

We texted each other acknowledging the meet up and in the first few days afterwards we engaged on social media. I noticed he’d stopped being so active and in the last few days I’ve noticed he’s no longer using it. I have yet to hear from him & I don’t quite know what’s going on in his head. I also don’t understand what’s stopping him from filing as he said he would. I really wanted some perspective so I can try to understand what’s going on from others because I don’t want to overwhelm him by reaching out when he clearly is needing the space.

But I’m left in limbo again! As I don’t want to chase him for the divorce because I still want to be with him, but I’m getting to the point where I need to know when he will be doing it as it’s been months.

At this point I’m wondering how best to navigate things, I need to be able to move forward in one way or another. Should I reach out or will that upset him? Is it possible he’s confused? Any idea how to approach him if he is withdrawing?

He’s a great man and although he has hurt me this is very out of character. He hasn’t got much support and I’m worried he is bottling things up.

thanks so much, all advice welcomed!
 
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Talk to him--Get both of yourselves into good therapy with someone who knows both couples & autism (and someone who doesn't believe all the awful stereotypes about us but who will treat both of you like human beings.) Sounds like both of you are fixing to divorce when you really need a fresh start with each other. Good luck!
 
Thank you! I have tried suggesting counselling before but I suppose there’s no harm in asking him again. I’ll be reaching out at the end of this week! I really appreciate it!
 
Having read your description I will say, and this is just from my perspective, that he is procrastinating because he is not sure in his own mind about where he is and where he wants to go.

It takes one to know one as they say. There is a finality to a divorce that may be weighing heavily on his mind, and thus indicate that even though he is looking for freedom, he may not actually be ready for that kind of leap. Any major change can be upsetting to one on the spectrum!

It certainly seems, from what you wrote, that he is unsettled in his head and that is the root of any lashings out or mixed messages.

Be gentle, be kind, be understanding and first and foremost, do not push, do not interrogate or seem to criticize. Just reinforce the message that you are there for him, no matter what.

I wish you well.
 
It's super confusing but mixed messages or double messages are so common with us. Maybe they are truly in limbo also, not knowing what to feel also. Feelings can become confusing and agonizing for us. Maybe if you tell him you don't want to give up on you and him. Could you two discuss any ideas on how to improve your relationship?
 
Hi! I agree that if you can both agree to seek support, and you can find someone with understanding and compassion that it'd be a great start. Regardless of whether he's on the spectrum or not, all the changes going on since COVID have resulted in many changes, which have been stressful for many.
 
You've let him know that you'll always love him and be there for him.
There isn't much more you can do.

Get on with moving your own life forward.
Look after you.
(He's a grown ass man who can make his own choices)
 
It sounds like he is uncertain, and delaying taking action. It being months doesn't seem surprising given you have a 9 year relationship and are married. Could you slow down, maybe try suggesting just meeting up, no pressure, because you miss him? Not at your house though.
 
To me it seems there are issues that you do not take into consideration. Like money, debt, offspring, if partnership is fulfilling. There are more.
He is in at least two minds, and struggle to decide, and he is in two minds for you too.
So, what to do?
Take care of yourself, strait and narrow, you cant help if you are not in shape. Do not stretch to far.
Argue with yourself until you really know what you want, maybe this maybe that is not good.
Have a plan B. What to do if it goes to divorce.
You are two humans struggling for a safe spot in the universe. No lies or half truths or white lies.
Pay attention to what he do, almost more that what he say.
Then communicate, he struggles to do this so try to pull everything out, especially worries and fears, but also the happy and sweet.

This is how I feel. The story made me sad and confused.

Good luck, my heart bleeds for you both.
 
Aspychata said:
It's super confusing but mixed messages or double messages are so common with us. Maybe they are truly in limbo also, not knowing what to feel also. Feelings can become confusing and agonizing for us. Maybe if you tell him you don't want to give up on you and him. Could you two discuss any ideas on how to improve your relationship?
Click to expand...

Apologies, I accidentally put the wrong emoji on your post before. I meant to select "like" not "funny" as obviously there was nothing funny about it, but I was on an iPad we have for reading papers, and that will teach me to try to use it for responding to posts...

Fixed it now but sorry if it caused confusion or consternation.
 
Flowerpower123 said:
Hi there, I’m new to this forum so apologies if any of my terminology is incorrect.

I need some advice as I have reason to believe my ex (currently separated husband) is mildly on the spectrum. He is undiagnosed and I don’t believe is aware of it himself.

Sadly he left me when I became ill last year after caring for me for a year. We’ve been married for two years and together for seven.

I suffered from long covid and this effected my ability to behave normally (extreme tiredness, irritability and I believe ptsd).
He got very overwhelmed and ended things abruptly.

He hadn’t been clear for his reasons in the first two weeks of the break up and so we were at logger heads because neither of us was able to communicate effectively. The day of the breakup he moved out, and since has told me he cares about me and loves me but isn’t in love anymore. He also told me in anger he was 100% single till I pointed out we were still married! He said he couldn’t wait to be single and up until last week he refused to communicate with me or see me and asked for a divorce over the phone after only a month of separation.

I hadn’t seen him for three months but he finally agreed to meet last week and we were able to talk it out for ‘closure’. He picked me up and was very kind, when we reached our house his demeanour changed and he seemed overwhelmed again. I believe the house represents a stressful period for him mentally and therefore he seems to switch back to that state of mind.

I comforted him and calmed him down. After asking where he felt things went wrong, he told me he was mentally exhausted back then and my decision making had made him feel like he couldn’t be himself. I apologised profusely but explained that his assumptions weren’t true and that my illness meant things weren’t as they seemed. He was also able to see that I was no longer sick anymore and behaving a lot more calmly like my old self.

After reading off my notes he responded quickly without thinking. He said he didn’t feel that way about me, and so I acknowledged it and accepted it. He asked me how I wanted to go about the next steps and I told him it was up to him. He got very frustrated at this which confused me. He still showed care and revealed the reason he hadn’t filed for divorce all this time, was because it was still too raw and fresh. It felt very contradicting. He also got very funny about getting with someone new when I asked him if he had and made it clear he wouldn’t be. He almost walked out!

He seemed overwhelmed when packing up his things and at one point I advised he sit down and I got him some water because he said he needed it.

As soon as we left the house he drove me back to my mums and we had a great chat. It felt like there was still chemistry between us and I’m pretty sure he felt it too, as I left I told him I’d always love him and he knew where to find me if he changed his mind. He gave me a big hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he agreed to collect the marriage certificate from our house soon in order to get the process started. Because he can’t file without it!

I left him with the notes I’d read on our meetup and a card to show I was still wanting to make it work, so he’d have time to reflect instead of making a quick decision on the spot.

We texted each other acknowledging the meet up and in the first few days afterwards we engaged on social media. I noticed he’d stopped being so active and in the last few days I’ve noticed he’s no longer using it. I have yet to hear from him & I don’t quite know what’s going on in his head. I also don’t understand what’s stopping him from filing as he said he would. I really wanted some perspective so I can try to understand what’s going on from others because I don’t want to overwhelm him by reaching out when he clearly is needing the space.

But I’m left in limbo again! As I don’t want to chase him for the divorce because I still want to be with him, but I’m getting to the point where I need to know when he will be doing it as it’s been months.

At this point I’m wondering how best to navigate things, I need to be able to move forward in one way or another. Should I reach out or will that upset him? Is it possible he’s confused? Any idea how to approach him if he is withdrawing?

He’s a great man and although he has hurt me this is very out of character. He hasn’t got much support and I’m worried he is bottling things up.

thanks so much, all advice welcomed!
Click to expand...
It isn't necessarily autism if you're English(Australian) many English \Australian men are very immature not socialised around healthy marriage it could be borderline personality disorder which is like autism
 
What I have learned from my Autism is that it complicates our responses to emotions and feelings, yet it does not change our basic ethical responses. As people point out he can't make up his mind, though the abandonment is hurtful . . . that is not his Autism. Decide if you want to save your marriage and please do engage in appropriate counseling, even for yourself after a divorce as you will be dealing with feelings of rejection.

I know what stress feels like. In my first year of marriage my spouse was looking for, then starting, a new position in teaching because we had moved . . . a lot of change for both of us. As a result she started on tricyclides. Consequently she didn't even want me touching her. That was extremely hard for me, because I had been deprived of intimacy before we met. I persevered and did my best to support her and we both made it through with our affections intact.
 
Based on what you wrote He may be one of us. Like in grieving we are not good in dealing with emotions. and tend to take a more analytical approach, I watched my older brother destroy his marriage in much the manner you describe. he really missed her, she had a few long chats with me before the divorce , but I am no counsellor did not know I was also an Aspie. Their marriage looking back was quite salvageable. Keep in mind one of the most important things we like is brutal honesty. we are much different than, this way. Stay away from innuendo. mean what you say what you mean.
 
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If both are on the spectrum, it is so hard. It's like two walls having a relationship. And we hide behind our walls. This can happen for a variety reasons, are own parent's relationship, our own past relationships, and any additional life factors, trust issues, age of either of us. Relationships are extremely difficult, because we have to step outside of ourself, and many of us refuse to do this. It takes a certain type of maturity that we don't possess. Sometimes the right one may come along, and we may step outside of ourself to embrace a relationship.
 
I am coming in late and just skimmed some of the other responses.

I do believe others have mentioned agreement that he might be on the spectrum and maybe of two minds. And I agree that you both need counseling together and seperately.

But I what I really want to say here is - don't be hurried about this. It is o.k. to let things be uncertain for a bit. You can make decisions and try to force a conclusion to these events. But it won't do much in the long run because you will still have to find away to move on, emotionally, seperately or together and that takes time. Try to just let things be for a bit.
 
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