I used to live in what I'd describe as a singularity. As if what was in my present would always remain the same. I know nothing ever does, but the singular mind lives life as if it will. There is nothing but this moment. It is a good way to be.
But I experience something different now. I live in a place that I do not really like, and yet I am here, and for the most part accept it and make the best of it. I've been able to accept that I have to be somewhere, and while this is not where I would prefer, if I take away the idea of preference and be grateful that I am somewhere, then for most of the time I can just get on with it.
But every so often I notice something. I can't deny that something is missing. I haven't found my place in the world. My home. My people. I certainly haven't found my purpose. I accept certain things that should really be dealt with, almost as if I do not deserve better, even though in many ways the idea of ‘better’ is just an idea. I can definitely imagine there is something better, and yet I find myself pushing away its possibility; what would need to be done, and instead live in a simple present filled with whatever I want there to be.
My choices are really simple. Reading, writing, listening to a podcast or audiobook, watching a documentary, film or TV show, commercial free, and I can choose from the very finest creative output from around the world, none of which costs me a penny.
So I can be constantly entertained if I want to be. Made to laugh and to think, be surprised by amazing drama. In many ways it is a perfect solution for somebody who spends most of his time inside a little room. If the weather is bad, I have plenty to occupy myself with. I am never bored. If the weather is good, I will go out for a walk, perhaps to the park or the nature reserve. Sometimes make a recording if something is on my mind. There is no ambition to do anything else. It is my path of least resistance.
But every so often a feeling appears that reminds me that things could be different, and when it does, I start to feel unsettled. I've tried reaching out for help when this occurs, and yet everything I do from this unsettled place quickly becomes complicated and overwhelming. It makes sense not to keep this up and just continue to do what I always do, what I'm used to doing, what I've been doing for so long.
And with acceptance comes peace of mind again, and peace of mind matters more than anything to me. When I have it, it doesn't matter what my circumstances look like.
For a moment the grass had looked greener over there, and yet the idea that it is, for me at least, is an illusion. An idea of a future that doesn't exist. Alone is alone. And I just need to have somewhere to be. I keep myself clean, eat the food I like to cook, come and go as I please.
I even feel like I'm better than I've been of late, and I can tell that because I've noticed that sometimes I don't put my earplugs in after I remove my earphones when I go to the toilet. I don't feel so affected by the noise of the flushing mechanism that would only recently have hurt me to hear it.
I don't want to hear the noises of this place, nor the constant traffic that people just accept in the background. I need silence or a very muted version of it at the least. It allows me to live in my world, almost as if the things ‘out there’ don't exist for me.
I'm concerned that this may be a kind of denial state though. I am avoiding that which I don't want to experience. I'm not always able to avoid everything of course, but I do for the most part, and it makes a difference in how I'm able to live.
I overcome personal challenges, which I seem to need to do, rather than always try to seek the easy path. Perhaps I have become institutionalised, making it easier to accept what once seemed almost unacceptable. This might be good from a spiritual path perspective, and it certainly would explain a thing or two, or it may just be part of a delusion that I am so very lost in. I just can't tell.
But I experience something different now. I live in a place that I do not really like, and yet I am here, and for the most part accept it and make the best of it. I've been able to accept that I have to be somewhere, and while this is not where I would prefer, if I take away the idea of preference and be grateful that I am somewhere, then for most of the time I can just get on with it.
But every so often I notice something. I can't deny that something is missing. I haven't found my place in the world. My home. My people. I certainly haven't found my purpose. I accept certain things that should really be dealt with, almost as if I do not deserve better, even though in many ways the idea of ‘better’ is just an idea. I can definitely imagine there is something better, and yet I find myself pushing away its possibility; what would need to be done, and instead live in a simple present filled with whatever I want there to be.
My choices are really simple. Reading, writing, listening to a podcast or audiobook, watching a documentary, film or TV show, commercial free, and I can choose from the very finest creative output from around the world, none of which costs me a penny.
So I can be constantly entertained if I want to be. Made to laugh and to think, be surprised by amazing drama. In many ways it is a perfect solution for somebody who spends most of his time inside a little room. If the weather is bad, I have plenty to occupy myself with. I am never bored. If the weather is good, I will go out for a walk, perhaps to the park or the nature reserve. Sometimes make a recording if something is on my mind. There is no ambition to do anything else. It is my path of least resistance.
But every so often a feeling appears that reminds me that things could be different, and when it does, I start to feel unsettled. I've tried reaching out for help when this occurs, and yet everything I do from this unsettled place quickly becomes complicated and overwhelming. It makes sense not to keep this up and just continue to do what I always do, what I'm used to doing, what I've been doing for so long.
And with acceptance comes peace of mind again, and peace of mind matters more than anything to me. When I have it, it doesn't matter what my circumstances look like.
For a moment the grass had looked greener over there, and yet the idea that it is, for me at least, is an illusion. An idea of a future that doesn't exist. Alone is alone. And I just need to have somewhere to be. I keep myself clean, eat the food I like to cook, come and go as I please.
I even feel like I'm better than I've been of late, and I can tell that because I've noticed that sometimes I don't put my earplugs in after I remove my earphones when I go to the toilet. I don't feel so affected by the noise of the flushing mechanism that would only recently have hurt me to hear it.
I don't want to hear the noises of this place, nor the constant traffic that people just accept in the background. I need silence or a very muted version of it at the least. It allows me to live in my world, almost as if the things ‘out there’ don't exist for me.
I'm concerned that this may be a kind of denial state though. I am avoiding that which I don't want to experience. I'm not always able to avoid everything of course, but I do for the most part, and it makes a difference in how I'm able to live.
I overcome personal challenges, which I seem to need to do, rather than always try to seek the easy path. Perhaps I have become institutionalised, making it easier to accept what once seemed almost unacceptable. This might be good from a spiritual path perspective, and it certainly would explain a thing or two, or it may just be part of a delusion that I am so very lost in. I just can't tell.
