DealingWithIt
Well-Known Member
Hello Everyone!
My name is Esther, I am 30 years old and I currently live in NJ. I am a single mother of four with twin boys on the spectrum, (One severe and one high functioning) as well as two other pretty normal kids. The online quizzes and a a research study my family participated in at Rutgers University assure me that I am on squarely on the spectrum, but I am still reluctant to get an official diagnosis.
I have been looking to link up with other people who might be like me for some time. I am a hardcore science geek / political junkie / information hoarder. Being a parent / student / employee has made other interest like gaming, anime, experimenting and working out much harder, so I stick to the information hoarding.
I have come to the conclusion that many of my life long difficulties are Autism related.
1. I have very few friends and while people find me tolerable enough to have a short meaningless conversation (Which I Hate) it never progresses beyond that point. Or worse, some people seem to enjoy very in depth deep conversations about politics, philosophy, science, religion or whatever else with me, but would never seek me out as a suitable guest for a dinner party, or lunch or any other type of socially significant gathering (unless it's business related or a family event-and even those invitations sometimes are forgotten)
- - - - So, I am a very lonely person - - - -
2. I am very intelligent, I know I am, I seem to process information at much faster rates than those around me, I retain it, I can apply it and I can generate endless list of creative new thoughts relating to what I know, especially since everything I learn just seems to lead to even more questions that I have a compulsive need to answer. I have gone days without sleep researching new topics that have caught my interest, from things as serious as genetic testing to those as trivial as weather or not the screeching banana on Adventure Time is intended to depict autism (He is! and the same can be said of Sai from Naruto!) Despite my intense thirst for knowledge and my ability to share and apply it, I still have not been able to finish college, I can barely keep a job, which now means I can barely find a job and I am living in poverty.
My inability to finish college seems to be related to the feeling of being overwhelmed to where I get severe anxiety attacks. Not from tests, or the school work, that part is fine. But from silly things, like if I'm late, I just won't go, I get really anxious about being late. If I pick a seat and someone takes it, I have a hard time getting over feeling frustrated, so I'll leave. If my scores aren't all perfect, I will drop a course and take it over. The University has actually sent me to see several deans over a disputed B in a writing class. I just can't help it, I can't stand the idea of anything being less then perfect, which has also stopped me from handing in perfectly good assignments.
Not keeping a job has everything to do with people seeming to know that something is off about me, but not sure what. Eventually they seem to decide they just don't like me and I will be terminated or asked to leave on some trivial nonsense. My first time ever getting fired was over a receipt not being signed in the right place. I am not kidding, I was fired because my supervisor didn't feel that I was following the policies for signing the cash drop receipts. Never mind that I was 17 and supervising all of the customer service reps at my local Best Buy, while saving for college. I didn't sign the receipt properly. It doesn't help that I seem friendly, but when people look for something more than a Hi, how are you, I really don't know what to say. So the history of terminations coupled with my inability to finish school makes me unemployable.
3. I don't have a grey area: Things are either right or they are wrong, I don't understand the nuance of what places something in between. Stealing is wrong, stealing because you are hungry is still wrong, begging, asking or working for food is fine. That doesn't mean that I only do things that right way, but I don't understand why people do things the wrong way and then deny it, or defend it.
4. When people form new relationships with me, professional or otherwise, they place huge expectations on me, often making me a default leader or giving me special treatment. That sounds great until my anxiety gets in the way and I am unable to live up to them. Right now for example, I am taking graduate courses in embryology. Mind you I have yet to finish my bachelors, 96 credits in. I got in because the doctors running the program were impressed with me. They have accommodated me by giving me one to one instruction, which has been very helpful, but I still have a hard time when I'm off schedule or someone else wants to observe or sit in. That aside, the personnel at the lab shower all sorts of praises on me, which makes me nervous because I become afraid to let them down and I feel like I can't relax. There's even less room for errors, so I double and triple check everything, which slows me down and I am sure will eventually reveal me to be the retarded OCD geek that I really am.
I will stop here. Before I finish though, I will address the curious situation of being a mother of four. As prior stated things are either right or they are wrong. I was in a relationship for ten years with my ex, and despite my best efforts to not get pregnant after our first, I had two more pregnancies. He is moderately successful and lives pretty comfortably and we did too when we were with him. Unfortunately our relationship has devolved to a point where I have no trust in him and so I am single with four little ones and living in poverty because circumstance has changed for us. My children were born out of love, not out of reckless irresponsibility. So any potential trolls, please keep your comments to yourself.
My name is Esther, I am 30 years old and I currently live in NJ. I am a single mother of four with twin boys on the spectrum, (One severe and one high functioning) as well as two other pretty normal kids. The online quizzes and a a research study my family participated in at Rutgers University assure me that I am on squarely on the spectrum, but I am still reluctant to get an official diagnosis.
I have been looking to link up with other people who might be like me for some time. I am a hardcore science geek / political junkie / information hoarder. Being a parent / student / employee has made other interest like gaming, anime, experimenting and working out much harder, so I stick to the information hoarding.
I have come to the conclusion that many of my life long difficulties are Autism related.
1. I have very few friends and while people find me tolerable enough to have a short meaningless conversation (Which I Hate) it never progresses beyond that point. Or worse, some people seem to enjoy very in depth deep conversations about politics, philosophy, science, religion or whatever else with me, but would never seek me out as a suitable guest for a dinner party, or lunch or any other type of socially significant gathering (unless it's business related or a family event-and even those invitations sometimes are forgotten)
- - - - So, I am a very lonely person - - - -
2. I am very intelligent, I know I am, I seem to process information at much faster rates than those around me, I retain it, I can apply it and I can generate endless list of creative new thoughts relating to what I know, especially since everything I learn just seems to lead to even more questions that I have a compulsive need to answer. I have gone days without sleep researching new topics that have caught my interest, from things as serious as genetic testing to those as trivial as weather or not the screeching banana on Adventure Time is intended to depict autism (He is! and the same can be said of Sai from Naruto!) Despite my intense thirst for knowledge and my ability to share and apply it, I still have not been able to finish college, I can barely keep a job, which now means I can barely find a job and I am living in poverty.
My inability to finish college seems to be related to the feeling of being overwhelmed to where I get severe anxiety attacks. Not from tests, or the school work, that part is fine. But from silly things, like if I'm late, I just won't go, I get really anxious about being late. If I pick a seat and someone takes it, I have a hard time getting over feeling frustrated, so I'll leave. If my scores aren't all perfect, I will drop a course and take it over. The University has actually sent me to see several deans over a disputed B in a writing class. I just can't help it, I can't stand the idea of anything being less then perfect, which has also stopped me from handing in perfectly good assignments.
Not keeping a job has everything to do with people seeming to know that something is off about me, but not sure what. Eventually they seem to decide they just don't like me and I will be terminated or asked to leave on some trivial nonsense. My first time ever getting fired was over a receipt not being signed in the right place. I am not kidding, I was fired because my supervisor didn't feel that I was following the policies for signing the cash drop receipts. Never mind that I was 17 and supervising all of the customer service reps at my local Best Buy, while saving for college. I didn't sign the receipt properly. It doesn't help that I seem friendly, but when people look for something more than a Hi, how are you, I really don't know what to say. So the history of terminations coupled with my inability to finish school makes me unemployable.
3. I don't have a grey area: Things are either right or they are wrong, I don't understand the nuance of what places something in between. Stealing is wrong, stealing because you are hungry is still wrong, begging, asking or working for food is fine. That doesn't mean that I only do things that right way, but I don't understand why people do things the wrong way and then deny it, or defend it.
4. When people form new relationships with me, professional or otherwise, they place huge expectations on me, often making me a default leader or giving me special treatment. That sounds great until my anxiety gets in the way and I am unable to live up to them. Right now for example, I am taking graduate courses in embryology. Mind you I have yet to finish my bachelors, 96 credits in. I got in because the doctors running the program were impressed with me. They have accommodated me by giving me one to one instruction, which has been very helpful, but I still have a hard time when I'm off schedule or someone else wants to observe or sit in. That aside, the personnel at the lab shower all sorts of praises on me, which makes me nervous because I become afraid to let them down and I feel like I can't relax. There's even less room for errors, so I double and triple check everything, which slows me down and I am sure will eventually reveal me to be the retarded OCD geek that I really am.
I will stop here. Before I finish though, I will address the curious situation of being a mother of four. As prior stated things are either right or they are wrong. I was in a relationship for ten years with my ex, and despite my best efforts to not get pregnant after our first, I had two more pregnancies. He is moderately successful and lives pretty comfortably and we did too when we were with him. Unfortunately our relationship has devolved to a point where I have no trust in him and so I am single with four little ones and living in poverty because circumstance has changed for us. My children were born out of love, not out of reckless irresponsibility. So any potential trolls, please keep your comments to yourself.
