NT-aspie/autistic relationship advice needed!!

[NT-seaside-blues]

I know this website is aimed at autistic people and I don't want to infringe on your safe space, but I really need some kind of relationship advice and this community will be more understanding than any NT relationships advice page.
I am an 18 NT woman in a relationship with a 21 (nearly 22) y-o autistic man. We have known each other for around 10 months and have been together for around six, with a break up in the middle for complicated reasons I won't go into here. For the entirety of the time we have known each other, he has been a physically affectionate person and has made an effort to contact me, texting me all throughout the day etc. Although this isn't really in-keeping with typical autistic traits, I didn't think much of that- the autistic spectrum is so varied that you can't say someone is 'more' or 'less' autistic, or that there's a typical autistic person.
But now he has suddenly withdrawn. He rarely touches me and I always have to text first. I have discussed this with him and he says that, in reality, physical intimacy has always been uncomfortable for him, and that he finds texting less essential now because he knows me. In spite of this, I'd like to know that he is thinking of me from time to time, and is interested in my life.
I keep trying to remember how much effort it takes for him to even interact with me on a regular basis and how much effort he must have put in to be that physically and emotionally close to me at first, but it's hard. If we lived together I would care about it a lot less, but as we don't, it feels like he doesn't see me as an important part of his life, which hurts my feelings. If this is the real him, I wish he had acted like this from the start so I could get used to it. Because of our previous break up, I am always anxious that something like this is a sign of our relationship going south.
I've discussed this extensively with him, as I think communication is really important. He's explained why he does these things to me, but has shown no sign of changing or any sign of compromise. I am moving away in a few months, so I'm worried that our limited texting will result in us leading entirely separate lives. I don't want to discuss it with him anymore, as I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on him or make him associate my company with stressful emotions.

The thing is, I don't feel like we are putting in the same effort level into the relationship, but I'm also not aware of what goes on in his head, how much effort it takes for him to just be what is considered by society as 'normal'. How much should I make allowances for? Where is the line between me being considerate and not having my needs met? All I want is to be appreciated, and to be shown that I am appreciated, that my company is actually half enjoyable for him. At the moment, I'm just not happy, because it just feels like he doesn't care. I'm sure he does, but I need reassurance now and then.
I never feel like I am settling for him, but currently I feel like I'm 'settling' for his lacklustre behaviour- I deserve him at his best, and I deserve to know that I am loved, surely. I didn't want to ask a regular relationship forum because everyone would just presume he's being an a**hole, which I don't think is the case.

TL;DR- I need an aspie opinion: should I be asking more from him? How much effort does it take for you to interact with your loved ones? Is he being inconsiderate, or is he meeting me halfway and I just can't see it?

Any advice greatly appreciated xxx

 

[vincentcaulfield]

For me, I'm still awaiting my diagnosis but I can still relate to all of these problems. I find it really hard to interact with all my friends (I don't have that many but anyway), even my absolutely closest one. I'm often the one to initiate our conversations since he's introverted too, but it takes a lot of effort and being social drains me of energy, it doesn't matter if it's someone I love and like being with - it's nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
I think you should talk to him again, be really clear on how you feel about this, but still tell him that you understand it being hard and difficult for him but that this is really important to you? I'm extremely sensitive to people raising their voices or just implying of being angry or upset with me and I know everyone on the spectrum is different - i don't know how well you know him, how much he's told you about what his biggest issues are? Anyway, I do think it's important to keep the conversation calm, but still letting him know how important this is.
For me, I think he's been and is trying hard, but maybe you should ask him? Ask how much you can ask of him? I think if you'll explain what it means to you and what not texting you etc means to you, he might be able to understand the importance and therefore remember to put in a bit more effort - but it all depends on how he feels in this.
Talk to him, I think that's the only way! Best of luck!

 

[rickxxxblaine]

Dunno my ex gf says the same about me. She's says I didn't give her enough attention or affection, except for sex, maybe. She wanted to be touched and the only physical contact I enjoyed was just putting my arms around her.
To be true she made contact difficult to me cause she was always on her phone, doing something else. So i backed off, it was never the right moment ! And I couldn't tell easily when that right moment could be. I was totally clueless.
It's not a happy end story BTW as I had to move to a place on my own, as her life was not calm enough for me, and a lot of other little things that are too long to explain here.

 

[Cali Cat]

Ten months is just about enough time for him to start feeling secure in the relationship and begin showing more of his true self in your interactions. Relationships do require a lot of effort for most Aspies, but just like anyone else, there's that extra euphoria associated with a new relationship that makes us go the extra mile initially. The problem lies in sustaining that level of interaction.

Personally, once I feel secure, I start letting a lot of things slide. I could go for days without talking to my significant other if I have nothing important to communicate. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I get involved in other things and I hyper-focus on whatever I'm doing.

I think the most important thing is to understand that you have to do what is best for you in the long run. You say he doesn't show any signs of changing or compromise, so it is evident that whatever you are feeling is not a concern to him. Aspies may be a bit clueless about certain things, but we're not stupid. If someone takes the time to tell us what we're doing to upset them, and we care, we are capable of monitoring our behavior. We might not be 100% successful, but if anyone cares about their SO, they instinctively try to do better. His lack of effort seems to indicate that he has lost interest.

Again, personally, this can happen with me too. I can become obsessed with a relationship in the beginning, and then after I get to know the person, I realize he isn't what I expected or wanted, and I then lose interest. In this case, I wouldn't try to improve my behavior either because I wouldn't feel an incentive to do so.

Don't worry too much about him or his issues. Don't settle for lackluster behavior from him. If you need more to be happy, this may not be the guy for you. A lot of people, both Aspie and NTs, put on a front in the early stages of a relationship. It's only when the facade falls away that you find out what you're really dealing with.

Best of luck!

 

[Judge]

The thing is, I don't feel like we are putting in the same effort level into the relationship, but I'm also not aware of what goes on in his head, how much effort it takes for him to just be what is considered by society as 'normal'. How much should I make allowances for? Where is the line between me being considerate and not having my needs met?

IMO that's likely to be a fundamental tenet of any Aspie/NT relationship, for better or worse. That the NT will find themselves more likely than not having to put more into the relationship than the Aspie. If you truly envision any and every intimate relationship requiring a "50-50" balance in socialization, you're likely to be very unhappy with an autistic significant other. Odds are that we cannot quantitatively match such an expectation. But you may find there are some who can qualitatively make up for it. Not all mixed relationships fail.

Above all, you have to be willing to accept and accommodate us in terms of the periodic solitude most of us absolutely require. And yes, it's asking a lot of you. It's for you to decide as to whether or not you are up to it, and just how much you can either learn to accept or simply emotionally tolerate. And to learn not to take it personally. That our traits and behaviors are not a reflection on you or the relationship, but that they are indicative of our autism. And that we have limits and degrees as to what we can control or alter, pertinent to those traits and behaviors.

This reflects most of the reasons for my having five relationships with five NT women with all of them failing. Of course at the time neither of us had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism. So whenever I had a need to be alone, my significant others inevitably took it quite personally. And the more they fought my need for solitude, the less I wanted to be in the relationship.