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NT female dating AS male....help

C

CheshireGrin

Member
I've been seeing an Aspie male for over a year now. I love him but inside this relationship I am lonely, feeling unwanted and depressed. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to him about how I feel and bringing up specifics. For example: He asks me over frequently but I end up sitting on the couch while he games and I feeling superfluous; I put forth all my effort to be there for him - physically when he's down and asks for me, and emotionally when he needs to talk - but I don't feel like I am receiving the same support when I ask or need to talk. When I bring up these topics however, the response I get is that he has Asperger's and that just how it works for him.

It started out as just friends, but he very quickly wanted to get physical (he is very sexually aware and active). We became friends with benefits and eventually we started dating exclusively. For the first 7-8 months, things were great. He constantly asks me to come over and I enjoy hanging out with him as we have a lot of similar interests. We started spending most evenings and weekends together and then he started asking me to stay the night.

He has had several relationships in the past that resulted in the girl moving in with him, but has only been diagnosed with Asperger's within the last four years. He says that every girlfriend he's had at one point or another said that they couldn't even tell if he loved them. He has openly told me that he doesn't want to move in together (which I am fine with).

The problems come when I am emotionally overwrought or feeling down (I am being treated for anxiety and depression which keeps it under control most of the time). When I am feeling upset, his response is usually to not talk to me at all, or talk very neutrally and briefly. I find myself feeling irritated and hurt by his lack of response when I am in distress although I think from his perspective he is helping by leaving me alone. I've talked to him about this, but he doesn't seem to understand.

I try to communicate clearly with him when I have a concern and we talk frequently, but it doesn't seem to be making sense to him even when he says it does. I feel so emotionally exhausted by trying to meet his needs and feeling that I am not able to recharge myself. Even something as simple as giving him a backrub when he asks (he enjoys touch), but when I ask for one he either complies but loses interest and stops after a few minutes, or asks if I need one now or if it can wait.

Am I being too needy or too sensitive? I feel at such a loss. I don't want this relationship to end but I don't know how to make it work for both of us. Any advice is appreciated!
 
CheshireGrin said:
Am I being too needy or too sensitive? I feel at such a loss. I don't want this relationship to end but I don't know how to make it work for both of us. Any advice is appreciated!
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Welcome to AC.

In my opinion you are being neither, you are seeking an NT relationship with an Aspie.

When I was around your age (and undiagnosed) I reacted the same way within my relationships, as you can guess, they didn't last long. Here's the main rub, I was totally unaware that what I was/wasn't doing was hurting the other person. In my world the fact I was there should have been enough (sounds weird now), as in them saying 'How do you know you love me?' and me answering 'Because I'm here'.

I know alarms bells should have gone off, but for me they never did until later in life when the one person I loved left.

He is not ignoring you or unresponsive in his world, he probably can't see it, so my question would be 'Have you talked this out with him and what was his response?'

I have been single now for over a decade from choice, I cannot bring myself to think I am hurting someone else like that. I know I have 'matured' and learnt a lot since being diagnosed but I still don't know if I will respond in ways that cause that level of distress.

All I can say is be open with him in how he is causing you distress, and I hope he sees that you are worth more than he is currently investing.
 
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Hello.

The first thing that comes to mind is, emotions are such a hard thing to grasp.
I'm guessing he probably has a low EQ (I can expand this but that would take a while).
If so, most likely he does not understand exactly why you sometimes feel the way you do.
Most of the time, I don't understand why I feel the way I do. It takes a lot of time and introspection, and some experience in dealing with this.

That being said, I agree with Harrison.
I don't think he's putting enough effort in to your relationship (going by what you posted). It has to go both ways!
Playing the "Asperger's card" is not very nice of him, at the very least he should elaborate.

It is true that some aspies have a hard time expressing how they feel, this holds true in a relationship.
That doesn't mean he should not try though.
 
Thank you both so much for your replies!

I have tried several times to talk, but I'm not sure I'm the best communicator as he doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to explain. I invariably burst into tears during these discussions and he ends up saying that because he has Asperger's, me asking for him to "meet me in the middle" is like asking a blind man to read. He has also said that he is operating at 100% all the time and he’s had a lot of relationships in the past where the other party realizes that his 100% is just not enough so he is always waiting for everyone to leave him.

Harrison54 said:
Here's the main rub, I was totally unaware that what I was/wasn't doing was hurting the other person. In my world the fact I was there should have been enough (sounds weird now), as in them saying 'How do you know you love me?' and me answering 'Because I'm here'.
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This strikes particularly true in my experience! This seems to be exactly how he feels, and I confess that while I can logically get an idea of what he's saying, it doesn't make sense to me emotionally.

I would like to be able to communicate in a way that makes sense to him, but I feel all my efforts are falling short. Is there a certain tact I have not tried? Should I be approaching this in a different way?
 
CheshireGrin said:
Thank you both so much for your replies!

I have tried several times to talk, but I'm not sure I'm the best communicator as he doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to explain. I invariably burst into tears during these discussions and he ends up saying that because he has Asperger's, me asking for him to "meet me in the middle" is like asking a blind man to read. He has also said that he is operating at 100% all the time and he’s had a lot of relationships in the past where the other party realizes that his 100% is just not enough so he is always waiting for everyone to leave him.



This strikes particularly true in my experience! This seems to be exactly how he feels, and I confess that while I can logically get an idea of what he's saying, it doesn't make sense to me emotionally.

I would like to be able to communicate in a way that makes sense to him, but I feel all my efforts are falling short. Is there a certain tact I have not tried? Should I be approaching this in a different way?
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In a sense there is no middle ground whilst he holds that he is giving 100%. Also his fear that you will leave like the others just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because he won't budge.

Don't expect what he says to make sense from an emotional point of view, it's like looking at a rainbow with welders goggles on.

Have you looked in the resource section yet? There's a lot of stuff on relationships in there that might give you a better handle than I can.
 
Hmm. I'm not buying that he is doing 100%. As he is recently diagnosed, and based on your age, possibly quite young, he may be in a phase of accepting his AS as an pat explanation, not as something he needs to bear in mind so that he can develop more fully. If he's feeling a loser for so many women chucking him in the bin, he may be afraid that a genuine attempt still wouldn't be enough.

I'd suggest having a good, long discussion to explore what he feels about his AS, and how it works in him, for a start. He may not even have thought it through very well, himself, to this point. It can be an overwhelming thing to take in and process. It doesn't happen all at once, and psychic exhaustion can cause much of it to be put off for quite a long time. To initiate your talk, you could explain that you're interested in understanding that aspect of him better. He should appreciate that, if he's not too guarded. Once you've got him talking freely, you can make mental notes about how you might work around and with him, to get both of your needs met. You can always come back here for more feedback, once you've got his. Just another service we provide here at Aspies, Ltd. ;)

I had the same problem Harrison did, till recently...feeling that my presence was statement enough of my commitment. It's only in my current relationship that I'm finally learning what being a partner truly entails. I was bent on not changing anything, and honestly, I doubted that I could. But with the right encouragement and communication, and not too much pressure, I've changed my ways considerably. Harrison suggested you do some reading. I second that. It helped my own partner learn how to navigate me much better.

Just understand that no matter what approach you take, this is not going to be a quick and easy process. Only you can decide if it's worth it. Be gentle to yourself as you make that choice.
 
Sorry you're feeling depressed, Im an NT woman and I understand and relate to what you have described… EXCEPT that I focused on other people/things in my life to fulfill my emotional needs. I knew early on that my aspie would not be able to. If you haven't already, I would suggest reading:

"22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Aspergers" by Rudy Simone
"The Other Half of Aspergers Sydrome" by Maxine Austin
"Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding & Connecting with Your Partner" by Cindy Ariel
"Women Who Love to Much" by Robin Norwood (This one is for you and not the relationship)

They are all available on Kindle so you can start reading right away.

Feel free to contact me if you have any specific questions … my relationship with my Aspie ended but I am hoping to have another chance with him since I still love him very much.
 
I am an Aspie in the same situation your guy is in. I haven't been diagnosed that long, and am still trying to get a handle on what it means and how to reconcile what can be changed and what can't.

I have had one relationship before the one I'm in now that lasted 7 years, and I really didn't learn much about relationships in it, or afterwards upon reflection. I just accepted it ending and moved on to interests that didn't involve relationships. Didn't think about what I could have done/should have done different, just thought that things would be different with another person when the time came.

They sure are different.

I am in a long term relationship (11 years, she's NT), and our difficulties led me to therapy, and eventual diagnosis of HFA-Aspergers. I find myself feeling like I'm giving it 100%, my partner says I'm not really trying. Who is right? All I know is that I am trying hard, and she knows her needs aren't being met. We have been in couples therapy for a few months with someone experienced with ASD, and while we are understanding each other better, it seems we still have a long way to go.

I want to make it work, I feel there is a lot to gain and a lot to lose, but there still are these gulfs between our abilities to understand each other, and meet in the middle. I have been able to open up so much more since being diagnosed, so much has become clear to me that was shrouded in mystery and under circumstance before, which is good, because my partner would have left me long ago had I not finally gotten a clue and opened up. As I said, I want things to work out, but I don't want to hold her life back any longer either, if I won't be able to meet her emotional needs and relationship expectations.

I don't mean to discourage you, just giving you my perspective as someone in the same boat, just on the other side. You just have to keep your boundaries and limits clear, and see if he can keep edging closer to them. It takes caring and work on his part and patience and understanding on yours.

Good luck to you both.
 
Hrm. Yes, he's aspie, but to expect you to cater to all his dating wishes is rude. I have nothing against gaming, some of my fondest memories is playing games with my husband, but that can get monotonous and doing dinner or other activities mixes in some good variety. It also shows respect to your partner to do things they want to do, which he doesn't mind going to the botanical gardens and harvest festival with me. (He likes them too, so, yay!)
 
This is simply my opinion, but if he's known about his Aspergers for four whole years, that should have given him enough self-awareness to know when he is acting inappropriately in a relationship, and at least should have the wherewithal to, even if he doesn't know what he is doing wrong, at least to *ask* what he is doing wrong.

I've been aware of my AS for a good five years (even though I was diagnosed long before that!) and, for me, it was a call to examine my life, the mistakes I made in the past, and how to do better going forward.

I can't speak from any romantic perspective, being an aromantic asexual, but I do know that, when my closest friends (all female, for what that's worth) are in some emotional distress, I do my utmost to listen to them, and to do my best to process what they are saying and express as much empathy as I can (I have always been highly empathic, but I've been learning as I go how to express it).

I suggest bringing it up with him, specifically and bluntly. Express your concerns. Try and gauge his reaction. If he seems to get what you are saying, then sure, definitely try and keep it going and do your best so you can both move forward with it. Like I said, if he is aware of his condition, he needs also to learn how it affects the people he loves most, and my hope is that he can grow in this area.

Best of luck to you both!

wyv
 
Thank you all for your perspective! I’m spending a lot of time looking through the Resource section and have tracked down several books to start reading. Your advice is so much appreciated – I feel that now I am not alone in this!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to take some time to really sort through the things I need in a relationship and the things I can reasonably ask of him. I’d spent a lot of time over the past months reading people’s online resources and experiences, and am hopeful that some of the printed word suggested here will be helpful as well. I’m thinking perhaps it would help to have a list of things that I need from a relationship and ask if they are reasonable within his abilities. He has admitted that he has a great deal of difficulty with empathy, so we’ll see how it goes.

A side note: He has a younger female friend who was also diagnosed with Asperger’s within the last few months (he’s know her about a year). They get along extremely well because they “speak the same language” and they feel they understand each other. I found out when he and I started dating that he had been intimate with this girl but broke it off when he found out I wasn’t ok with dating someone who was intimate with other people at the same time. He says it wasn’t anything more than physical. (Most of his friends are female as he feels less threatened by them.)

While I am very happy that he has someone he can be himself with, I have been fighting jealousy of this girl who intuitively understands him and seems to be able to put him at ease where I struggle. He is constantly helping her through rough spots as she learns about her diagnosis and is always there for her when she needs help. They often hang out together as they also share similar interests. He says that she is too far away in age and maturity for him to seriously consider her as a mate.

While I understand his reasons, I often wonder what could I possibly be bringing to this relationship that makes me a “better” fit for him? This has been making me feel so insecure that when I try to talk to him I fear I am coming across as defensive or desperate.
I think some time apart may do us both good – give him some space and me some time for perspective.
 
CheshireGrin said:
He says that she is too far away in age and maturity for him to seriously consider her as a mate.
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Is it okay if I ask what exactly is the size of the age gap? (I'm only curious because I've been wondering if an age gap is part of what kept me away from someone)
 
I don't think you're being too needy or over-sensitive. But is sounds like your needs are different than his needs, and maybe like the two of you are not very compatible.
That being said, it's clear that you do want to be with him. So what are the positive things that you like about this relationship? What are the things that, despite the troubles, made you say "I don't want this relationship to end"?

By the way, it sounds like he was being a bit of a jerk to that younger woman-he had/has a great emotional connection with her, then he added sex to the equation yet refused to acknowledge her as his girlfriend, and dated other women (you. Not criticizing you for this, just him) while temporarily continuing to have sex with her. I don't think he ever woke up thinking "I'm going to be a jerk to two women who both care about me", but that's what he ended up doing. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but maybe a little oblivious to the effect his actions have on others.
 
He says he has no emotional connection to the younger woman, that it was purely a convenience/physical thing. I have often thought he is a bit oblivious to the effects of his actions, but I don't know that it's anyone's place to accuse him that the way he functions is "wrong" or hurtful to many people.

We did have a discussion, and talked a lot about our needs and expectations. He concluded that he needs more from me to feel connected in the relationship, and once he feels connected he thinks my needs are reasonable in a relationship.
 
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Sigh.....I'm back.
I've read a couple of the books recommended above, and am working my way through more. I've sat down and had several talks with him about feelings, needs, expectations, and all of the above. He says he agrees my needs are not irrational or excessive. He says he can't meet my needs right now because he is going though an unsettled time and needs some time to get himself in order. I understand that and we agreed that I would help him as I could until he could get himself back to sorts.
Here's the problem....the holiday season is always really tough for me. I feel more isolated than ever because I know he can't support me emotionally and I can't ask him to be there for me when he is struggling with his concerns. But right now I have nothing left to offer him to help, even if he did ask. Lately he just doesn't talk and says he's focusing on taking care of himself.
I understand and support that, really I do. I just don't know if I can keep holding myself in like this. I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety and this season is getting worse. I don't know what to do and I wonder if it would be better if we take a serious break.
As an Aspie, would he view that as me abandoning him?

I feel like we've talked so much that if I bring this up again he will feel like I am rehashing things and it will stress him out.
 
Harrison54 said:
Welcome to AC.

In my opinion you are being neither, you are seeking an NT relationship with an Aspie.

When I was around your age (and undiagnosed) I reacted the same way within my relationships, as you can guess, they didn't last long. Here's the main rub, I was totally unaware that what I was/wasn't doing was hurting the other person. In my world the fact I was there should have been enough (sounds weird now), as in them saying 'How do you know you love me?' and me answering 'Because I'm here'.

I know alarms bells should have gone off, but for me they never did until later in life when the one person I loved left.

He is not ignoring you or unresponsive in his world, he probably can't see it, so my question would be 'Have you talked this out with him and what was his response?'

I have been single now for over a decade from choice, I cannot bring myself to think I am hurting someone else like that. I know I have 'matured' and learnt a lot since being diagnosed but I still don't know if I will respond in ways that cause that level of distress.

All I can say is be open with him in how he is causing you distress, and I hope he sees that you are worth more than he is currently investing.
Click to expand...

Mr Taurus, you are indeed correct about how painful and lonely it is when NT's don't get their emotional needs meant (and NT women are all about "feelings"). Knowing what you do now, could you change after getting to know what an NT needs in a relationship or would you go back to what's comfortable for an Aspie?

I, myself, see both sides having to work on some "changes" in order for the relationship to survive.
 
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