NT man seeking advice, deeply in love with an AS women.

[Sepota]

Good morning

I’m new to this site and I would like to share my experience,

I m a NT male, a bit narcissist I would said. I dated NT girls all my life before (I’m 39).

I ve met this amazing girl in august last year, we have been together ever since. She is super smart, psychiatrist for living, very athletic, she love sport, I never seen someone witch such a good memory before! Her dad is AS, the half-brother (from her dad) is AS, as well as one of her cousin (and other family member too, all from her dad side.

The relation started well but after a month, she left for 3 weeks (travel) and when she got back, the dynamic changed slowly. Now, it not easy for me these days…

She has AS sign for sure, not all of them, so I feel she is light on the spectrum. Her senses are hyper reactive / sensible, she is super smart and expert on science topic. A school, she was helping other kids of her age to keep her stimulated. She does stimming with her leg quite a bit when she is bore and will not always keep focus on some topic. She can’t imagine herself in a normal job, she has to be her own boss. When we go intimate, I always do the initial move and she needs specific music to “take off”. She is a great musician also. Affection wise, she is not a very touchy person, I cannot sleep beside her during the night. She will respond to my sign of affection but will rarely initiate them. She is very critical also. She needs to be stimulated quite a lot. She wear soft, comfy clothing all the time, she never put on high heel or make up. On the other hand, socially, she is good; she can handle herself very well. She is also good at reading other people (psychiatric…). Her previous BF (12 years relation) was also AS from what I could gather, he was like a big brother to her. She realise she is not NT, but won’t admit to AS. She is also diagnose with ADHD (light). She never was bullied at school and has a good friend network.

Right now, I’m reading Aspergirls and 22 Things A Woman with Asperger's Wants her Partner to Know. Also ordered Life With a Partner or Spouse With Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Savings You and Your Relationship. I m consulting a psychotherapist every week about this relationship.

It has been 9 months since we are together and I loss a lot of self-confidence with respect to this relationship. I really love this girl, I see myself building a future with a family with her. But it very hard on me, I ve made mistakes acting like she is a typical NT girl. I just stopped using Emovan for sleep, loss quite a bit of weight (5-10%) and suffer from a lot of anxiety. Started Prozac 2 weeks ago (20mg) to help with that. I try to exercise a lot to help as well. My loss of confidence made me less “attractive” for her, it harder for me to stimulate her intellectually and make her laughs as well. She feels my anxiety and it a turn off for her. It creates a downward spiral for me…

To add to this, she has a mal best friend for the last 15 years, they had an affair about 18 months ago. He vanished when he learned that she was dating me, came back after 3 months and never wanted to see me. They see each other once or twice a week and when hiking for 2 days last week. It very hard on me, to the extent that I made a major mistake by going on her computer to see what was going on… Big breach of trust on her side after that. I did not do a proper mea culpa as well…

So right on, when I look at all of this, I found the following factors are very hard on me:

the presence of her close friend,

lot of critics from her (almost always justify, but I feel like it all my fault),

not a lot of affection from her,

very blunt in how she tell stuff,

hard for me to properly listen to her, to get intimate

We read Women are from Venus, Man are from Mars and I felt like I was the women in our relationship…

I know she love me, but realise that if I don t get some self-confidence back on my side, it gonna continue to go downward.

I’m deeply in love with her, sometime I wonder if I’m limerent… The way she interact with me will have a direct effect on my mood.

What should I do next?

 

[Tom]

War and Peace?

 

[George Newman]

Just let it run it’s course. Good luck.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

You are like a puppy that wees on the carpet out of excitement when she gets home. Holy crap dude. This is basicly what I read:
Hail! She is a goddess! I am not worthy! Goddess please don't make me lick the bottom of your shoes... even though I will if you command me too! Hail! I am not worthy! I need Prozac to be in your presence!

Geez man, you are 39. Don't you have like... important stuff in your life by now? You sound like a 16 year old kid that just got his first girlfriend. And what is "expert on science topic"? That sounds like someone that quotes Neil Degrasse Tyson a lot.

From what I've read, you know absolutely nothing about her. And you've been together for 9 months?

The thing is, what you need to do... is what you are unable to do. That's always how it goes.
Step 1: You fail to figure out exactly what kind of person she is.
Step 2: You become uncertain.
Step 3: You lose control.
Step 4: You ask strangers on a forum on "What to do".

The problem is, once you lose control you are kind of in a catch 22 situation. So you need to chill a bit and create some distance. Not distance that she creates which you then adhere to, but take a breather for yourself. You need to, at the very least, gain control over yourself and stop letting your life be decided based on how she feels.

I'm actually quite curious as to what she will do... Hmmm maybe she won't do anything? Or maybe she will actually reach out? Most importantly, are you willing to find out?

 

[Gracey]

Step 1 - don’t bend yourself all out of shape just to be something you’re not, any longer.

Step 2 - believe you’re an equally valuable partner in this relationship.

Step 3 - don’t be ‘afraid’(?) of this image you’ve built up in your mind about her because let’s face it, she’s still human and her crap still stinks.

Step 4 - understand that you are creating the distance you’re starting to feel between you. It’s happening in your mind and you’re looking for evidence to confirm your fears.

Step 5 - understand if she’s still spending time with you, she’s still interested but she will continue to be with her friends, enjoy her work and hobbies.
(This means something different to her because she has no fears or anxieties about it to distort the facts)

Step 6 - yes she is awesome but so are you. Believe it wholeheartedly.

Step 7 - how she’s living her life now, will likely continue from here on in.
Step up, accept it and work on your own fears.

Good luck