NT Needs Help Understanding Change in Relationship

[Beachbunn]

I am a NT and have been friends with an undiagnosed aspie (I assume) for more than a year. I am not even sure if he knows he is an aspie, but he definitely fits the criteria and I would never suggest this to him because he would become defensive. The relationship started out as friends, soon went sexual for about 7 months, then no sex and back to friends. There is a big age difference between us. Although I have tried to discuss this relationship (de)progression and try to understand the reasons for it, he quickly brushes it off or gives vague answers. (I have since discovered that sexual relationships with aspies sometimes are short-lived.) I am pretty sure that most of his relationships (male & female) are short-lived due to his extremely opionated view of life and not caring if he offends others with his views. I have stuck by him because I understand why he is the way he is (after much research on aspergers).

We continued to be close and he spent most of his free time with me...eating dinner, watching TV, and cuddling - until about 2 months ago. All of that abruptly ended with no explanation. As far as I know, he is spending his free time at home...alone. There is still phone contact but very little in person. When I questioned the sudden change, I received basically no explanation so there is no need to question him again. I do know that he wants kids and marriage - his age and the fact that he has neither sometimes depresses him. I miss him greatly and I am hurt by this sudden change in the relationship. I have no reason to think he is seeing someone else. I have never pressured him to take our relationship further. I always refer to myself as a friend. In the beginning, I think I was his "special interest" but he does have other special interests and I never question the time he spends on them nor do I speak bad about those activities. I know that aspies think logically and I am sure he has a reason for all this, but I expect he will never share it with me. Any ideas on this sudden change? Did he decide that he was wasting his time with someone who wasn't marriage material? If this is how it is going to be, I need closure and in order to get that...I need to understand what happened. Trying to discuss again with him is not an option. Any advice from other Aspies is greatly appreciated.

 

[Rayner]

have you ask him what's going on? Or If anything has happened?

I am a NT and have been friends with an undiagnosed aspie (I assume) for more than a year. I am not even sure if he knows he is an aspie, but he definitely fits the criteria and I would never suggest this to him because he would become defensive. The relationship started out as friends, soon went sexual for about 7 months, then no sex and back to friends. There is a big age difference between us. Although I have tried to discuss this relationship (de)progression and try to understand the reasons for it, he quickly brushes it off or gives vague answers. (I have since discovered that sexual relationships with aspies sometimes are short-lived.) I am pretty sure that most of his relationships (male & female) are short-lived due to his extremely opionated view of life and not caring if he offends others with his views. I have stuck by him because I understand why he is the way he is (after much research on aspergers).

We continued to be close and he spent most of his free time with me...eating dinner, watching TV, and cuddling - until about 2 months ago. All of that abruptly ended with no explanation. As far as I know, he is spending his free time at home...alone. There is still phone contact but very little in person. When I questioned the sudden change, I received basically no explanation so there is no need to question him again. I do know that he wants kids and marriage - his age and the fact that he has neither sometimes depresses him. I miss him greatly and I am hurt by this sudden change in the relationship. I have no reason to think he is seeing someone else. I have never pressured him to take our relationship further. I always refer to myself as a friend. In the beginning, I think I was his "special interest" but he does have other special interests and I never question the time he spends on them nor do I speak bad about those activities. I know that aspies think logically and I am sure he has a reason for all this, but I expect he will never share it with me. Any ideas on this sudden change? Did he decide that he was wasting his time with someone who wasn't marriage material? If this is how it is going to be, I need closure and in order to get that...I need to understand what happened. Trying to discuss again with him is not an option. Any advice from other Aspies is greatly appreciated.

 

[Beachbunn]

have you ask him what's going on? Or If anything has happened?

Yes, I have and he is usually vague with no real answer or either tells me how busy he has been. I have even told him that I will understand if he is seeing someone else.

 

[Rayner]

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm thinking he simply moved on and doesn't want to hurt your feelings? That only reason I could think of.

Yes, I have and he is usually vague with no real answer or either tells me how busy he has been. I have even told him that I will understand if he is seeing someone else.

 

[midlife aspie]

If you in fact were his special interest, it may be possible that he lost interest overnight. I am that way myself. I wish I understood it, but I can be insanely focused on something one day and want nothing to do with it the next, and the interest might exist for years prior to getting 'dropped', and then be simply picked up again years later. If this is your case, it is not personal on his part and in all likely hood, he can't explain it either. I am trying to ID what the triggers are for these things.

 

[Beachbunn]

If you in fact were his special interest, it may be possible that he lost interest overnight. I am that way myself. I wish I understood it, but I can be insanely focused on something one day and want nothing to do with it the next, and the interest might exist for years prior to getting 'dropped', and then be simply picked up again years later. If this is your case, it is not personal on his part and in all likely hood, he can't explain it either. I am trying to ID what the triggers are for these things.

Thank you for responding! I feel like I must have done/said something wrong and keep questioning myself. I know I should just move on, but he has been a big part of my life for the last year and it is hard to accept.

 

[Judge]

Thank you for responding! I feel like I must have done/said something wrong and keep questioning myself. I know I should just move on, but he has been a big part of my life for the last year and it is hard to accept.

That's a common reaction to blame yourself. But with people on the spectrum, it may have nothing to do with you. Apart from requiring a certain degree of regular solitude, sometimes life can get stressful for us to the point where it can profoundly effect us socially and even sexually. Where we may focus only on one thing that totally consumes us.

I suspect those of us on the spectrum may not be able to compartmentalize our lives when they become turbulent on occasion as well as Neurotypicals probably can.

 

[Beachbunn]

That's a common reaction to blame yourself. But with people on the spectrum, it may have nothing to do with you. Apart from requiring a certain degree of regular solitude, sometimes life can get stressful for us to the point where it can profoundly effect us socially and even sexually. Where we may focus only on one thing that totally consumes us.

I suspect those of us on the spectrum may not be able to compartmentalize our lives when they become turbulent on occasion as well as Neurotypicals probably can.

I am curious about how depression affects aspie relationships. Do they totally shut down and ignore the people in their lives?

 

[Judge]

I am curious about how depression affects aspie relationships. Do they totally shut down and ignore the people in their lives?

In my own case I'm apt to think of shutdowns as a behavior more related to autism than depression. Although yes, clincial depression is one of my comorbids, along with OCD and social anxiety.

But as an adult I would have shutdowns on occasion....and basically withdraw from the entire world, let alone anyone in my orbit for a time, depending on the circumstances. Sadly though at the time neither myself or my significant others had a clue that such behavior was neurological in origin.

 

[artfull dodger]

I go thru phases or periods where I would rather be not with someone, or with someone else. I am usualy overwhelmed with other things in life and just have to cope the best I can and wait for it to pass. It has been very hard on the other person I was in a relationship with, as I would seem like I could care less if she was around. Mike

 

[Auroradanileigh]

I am a NT and have been friends with an undiagnosed aspie (I assume) for more than a year. I am not even sure if he knows he is an aspie, but he definitely fits the criteria and I would never suggest this to him because he would become defensive. The relationship started out as friends, soon went sexual for about 7 months, then no sex and back to friends. There is a big age difference between us. Although I have tried to discuss this relationship (de)progression and try to understand the reasons for it, he quickly brushes it off or gives vague answers. (I have since discovered that sexual relationships with aspies sometimes are short-lived.) I am pretty sure that most of his relationships (male & female) are short-lived due to his extremely opionated view of life and not caring if he offends others with his views. I have stuck by him because I understand why he is the way he is (after much research on aspergers).

We continued to be close and he spent most of his free time with me...eating dinner, watching TV, and cuddling - until about 2 months ago. All of that abruptly ended with no explanation. As far as I know, he is spending his free time at home...alone. There is still phone contact but very little in person. When I questioned the sudden change, I received basically no explanation so there is no need to question him again. I do know that he wants kids and marriage - his age and the fact that he has neither sometimes depresses him. I miss him greatly and I am hurt by this sudden change in the relationship. I have no reason to think he is seeing someone else. I have never pressured him to take our relationship further. I always refer to myself as a friend. In the beginning, I think I was his "special interest" but he does have other special interests and I never question the time he spends on them nor do I speak bad about those activities. I know that aspies think logically and I am sure he has a reason for all this, but I expect he will never share it with me. Any ideas on this sudden change? Did he decide that he was wasting his time with someone who wasn't marriage material? If this is how it is going to be, I need closure and in order to get that...I need to understand what happened. Trying to discuss again with him is not an option. Any advice from other Aspies is greatly appreciated.

I am having the exact same problem. Feel free to check out my thread because I received some great answers.