NT or AS....Is anyone in a long distance or online relationship?

[somebeach]

Whether you are NT or AS...Is anyone in a long distance or online relationship? I am interested in how that is working out. I am in one and looking for input. thx

 

[JohnnyBravo]

Hey, I am not sure whether I am Neurotypical or have AS, I believe I have AS, but am afraid to request a diagnosis. I however used to be in a long distance relationship.
From my experience it depends on the type of persons involved in the relationship whether it will work out or not, for me it didn't unfortunately.

My relationship lasted for about 2.5 years (on and off), I met her online and after about a year we decided to meet up. I flew over there, stayed for about a week, and really liked her in person, I wasn't sure what to expect and went over there with a kind of withdrawn attitude, as in awaiting what would happen; but she really came on to me strongly which made things a lot easier for me. Her family also seemed really nice to me, even though I wasn't able to really communicate with them because we did not speak the same languages.
A month after we met she came to my house to meet my family and everything seemed to go well. We however broke up about a month later for reasons still pretty vague to me, just to get back together 3 months after that.
This time would be different I thought, and as our relationship continued I believe my love for her became really genuine and strong.
She came to me for a longer period this time; about 2 months, and we visited each other a couple of more times after that, we also started discussing and planning what we would do later on in our relationship, where we would live etc. We ended up breaking up late 2012. This was cause of trust issues we've always had (at least I did), and the breaking of this trust and her confessing it to me.
I was pretty lost in life for a while after the relationship ended because I missed her in my life, and as my life continued it was nothing like the plans we made. She was the only person that I could be around and not feel the need to constantly worry and struggle to make up to some sort of social expectation. (I still felt this need at times, but cause I didn't all the time, I thought it would come in time as the relationship grew)
The happiest moments of my life that I can remember of were when I was together with her. Even though our relationship has been over for quite a while, I can't really see myself getting together with anyone else (not with her either though), I guess this feeling will change someday though.

I believe that for a long-distance relationship to work, both the people involved need to be committed to the relationship at all times. This is because of the trust issues that come with a long-distance relationship; You can never have the same amount of security that you would have if you'd be together with your partner, so if one party doesn't commit or acts peculiar, the other party will get suspicious.
Another aspect that comes with a long-distance relationship is the fact that once you've met its really hard to separate from each other again. I've often felt powerless when she would express that she missed me and was feeling sad because of that or if she was sad about something in her daily life. The fact that I wasn't in her daily life and could not support her as much as I would like and the fact that our relationship was making her feel like that at times often got to me, and then made me feel sad in return.
The online aspect of the relationship also got too much for me at occasion, where I felt like I never had any time left to do things for myself, because all of my free time would go into making the relationship work or chatting/being with her online.

Even though I feel like I wrote down many things I may have experienced as negative, I encourage you to try and make it work the best you can, if you believe you belong together with the person you are in this relationship with. It can bring you great fulfillment.
I have a relative who has also had a long-distance relationship, and they are happily living together now (3 years later). I envy them.

I'm just new to these forums and I realize this is a late reply, but I hope it can at least be help- or meaningful for you.

Best of luck in your relationship.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm in a long distance relationship right now. And it works somewhat fine. My girlfriend lives about 100 up north and we mostly communicate through skype or text. She comes over once a twice a month for 2 days or so.

I've had "normal" relationships as well, but this relationship now... I don't know... it looks good "on paper", but there's some things to it I don't like. And maybe that's just me. But I'm a bit of an impulse guy, so if my girlfriend is over and I want to do X, I can't.. because... she's at my place and telling her to leave because I want to do X isn't an option. It was a lot easier when I had a girlfriend who lived closeby. The ones that come over for a few hours a few times a week, maybe spend a night in the weekend, but don't stick around for almost a full 36+ hours.

The upside for me is, I can't sleep with people next to me in bed. So if my girlfriend comes over, the few times, I'm missing out on sleep a bit. That's fine once a twice a month.. it would not be fine on a weekly basis.

I also think it's a bit of a hit or miss in terms of trust. I've ended up in an almost relationship with a girl whom I knew for about 18 months and she turned out to be certifiable crazy. My current one, I didn't know for that long, but it felt way better in terms of trust and all.

I'm not too sure how it's going to pan out in the future though... I'm not having a job (and thus enough spare time so I can spend most of my time when she's over and no feel like I need "alone time") and she's attending a rather light version of college (like 3 days a week) so she's somewhat in the same boat as me in terms of "alone time", which she, like me, needs (since she's on the spectrum as well).

I found that years ago when I had a "normal" relationship, and I had a job, it was way to stressful for me to care for both. I was way to stressed out because of my job which led to stress in my relationship, more stress on the job, ended up in therapy... got fired and lost my girlfriend. So that's why I'm worrying in general over it... (and probably even more since I know all to well how employers can be all like "come in an extra day over the weekend", which pretty much means, no time for my relationship at all)

But that's just my experience

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I met my husband online. We met playing world of warcraft.

I'm going to stress here that we didn't meet looking for that special someone. We were just friends and it grew out of that friendship. Though at the time I met him I was at a phase where I thought any male on world of warcraft was funny because I used to get A LOT of guys who would try their luck simply because their requirement for a woman was A)breathing and B) had a world of warcraft account. Option A was probably negotiable. They amused me in their desperation. And then my husband came along and he managed to stick around past the funny desperate man stage and we became friends then more than friends. The first time I met him in real life was about 8 months later when he moved in with me. We have lived together ever since and are now married.

Basically we sort of stumbled into each other. Neither were looking for a relationship. I had tried online dating but there was too many creepy guys and the best one I found I had no chemistry with. Then again I only started online dating because I accidentally found my ex's profile online. And realized how misplaced trust was with him. So to get get him back I tried online dating ... probably wasn't a good reason to start online dating ...

For me and my husband we met through a shared interest and were friends for a while first. The only difference between how we met and real life dating was the fact that it pretty much happened online. We weren't putting up profiles on a dating site or anything.

I have always considered that me and my husband are the exception rather than the rule. We have a friend that tried to capture what we had. A few times. But the men she picked were not really what I would consider marriage material. They were good looking ... and they knew how to play women.

Both my sisters met men online. One sister is about to marry the man she met on a dating site but they are far from the perfect couple. They broke up for a while once and I know a few things but I guess you put up with a lot when you are desperate for something. And my other sister met an abusive guy who is now the father of her son so she will never get him out of her life.

I only know of one other couple that has had success in online dating. They have been married for five years now. And they are the loveliest couple I have ever met. However almost all the other couples I have met who have met online have not been that great a success.

I think it comes down to it with online dating specifically, there is usually a reason for being online. As in standard practices for dating have failed and this is the bottom of the barrel. Or there are lazy people who just want to score.

And when I mean that there is a reason this could be because they don't have the necessary physical characteristics to be considered for as a mate in real life, they might have a mental issue, etc. Or like us they find it easier to meet people online. But unfortunately for a lot of people in this situation there is also a lot of people online who are out to take advantage. So I find online dating is probably more a big mix of people with issues combined with a mix of people looking to take advantage of people with issues. And a little sprinkle of normal people who are probably tired of standard dating practices for what ever reason.

That's just what I took away from online dating. Its a mine field and your looking for a very small diamond in a mountain of stones and explosives. The diamonds are very rare and far between.

 

[somebeach]

Thank you to all of you who took the time to post replies. I am NT and my guy is AS. We have been acquaintances thru mutual interests and one day it just became more. One of the issues obviously is we live far apart but both of us are willing to relocate. As one of you said the time it takes to be on the computer chatting is monopolizing my life. He loves being on the computer and playing games. I work and have a very full life. He does not work and has the whole day free. I notice that he loses track of time and can be on the computer for hours. That makes me very nervous about meeting him because he says he needs more free time than that. And I wonder well what time will we be able to spend together in real life. Also another issue we are having is control. If I say something like what did you do today he feeis like I am monitoring him and he has to answer to me. I am just trying to learn about him. Also he holds a grudge and can remember every negative thing I have said. Some he has asked my opinion on it and I gave it after being pushed. He takes no responsibility for his mean behavior towards me and doesn't apologize. Is this a normal aspie trait? I feel I am a very loving,loyal, and considerate partner. I am trying very hard to learn about aspies and relationships. I have read book,articles, and found this site. I am working very hard to understand him. I feel like he doesn't put in the same effort learning about me and NT's in general. I really thought he was the one but it seems like he is fine as long as he is in control but if he feels he is losing control he pushes me away. We are very intelectually compatible,have the same interests, are very similar sexually, and have similarities emotionally. But when I speak with him and explain what I need he blows me off and starts talking about himself.Everything is about how he is feeling and all I have done to him. Is the self centeredness an aspie trait? I feel ike he doesn't acknowledge me or my feelings. I just feel he doesn't appreciate all the time and effort I am putting forward. Also he drinks. He says it helps him with him being aspie. And he has drank for years. He is a full blown alcoholic. He says it helps him to feel. Isn't there any other alternatives. I have read much about aspies and addiction but I have also seen a lot of aspies get clean and remain sober. Can anyone give me advice or help me with this. I really want this to work. I would appreciate any help. I am sorry because I leave early for work I must go. But if anyone needs any more additional informatio just msg me. Thanks again for the help

 

[Aalo]

I could comment on few things.
Aspies that I know can use substances for several reasons, most common might be to close background noise off and to be able to concentrate on own thoughts. Keeping these kind of reasons in mind it necessarily isn't wise to ask them stop unless there is possibility to discuss about alternative methods to calm that particular as person. But some reason like this still won't give a reason for excessive usage. An aspie just as any person should realize limits on what's healthy for them or what's causing too much complications in everyday life, so I don't encourage you to forgive too much for him about that issue.
He might really need your reassurance on that you really want to help him without inhibit his means of survival.

And about selfishness: He might be interested about what you do, but can not find ways to have a meaningful nice conversation about it if he sees you're mostly fine. I'm not really sure if this is about being self centrism at all, but just being unable to react on another person. If you have gained yourself into a position of being truly important person, it's probably not that he won't care how you're doing. It can be difficult to state the obvious. So yes, it's pretty much an aspie trait. I hope you won't get too unhappy about it. Maybe you could talk to him about that and see if you together could find some way to communicate on some alternate way of these. Because as's usually aren't emotionless, they just have to learn proper ways to express oneself.
It's also in common for us to explain everything we feel, because we're used to not to get understood without. Maybe none can get always to be understood, but as's tend to be really self aware on these things. And you're right, it shouldn't all be about him. I hope he still understands what you've been saying, and calms after a while as he sees you really are trustworthy.

I believe this can be frustrating, and hope you all the best. Remember to take your own time also if this all feels too much at times. And at those times, simply tell your reason and don't get agitated if he tries to give negative comments on it. You've rights too.

 

[JohnnyBravo]

He will have to make time for you, I too spent a lot of time at the computer; However I enjoyed hanging out with my ex-girlfriend just as much, so it wasn't a difficult trade to make. Also she came all the way over to my country, my house, just to be with me, that has to count for something. If I felt like I still had things to do, I would crawl out of bed at night to do just those things, even though it worked badly for my health cause spending a day with her was more exhausting for me than just being alone all day (in a non-negative way).
I too dislike the question of what I did today, this doesn't have anything to do with thinking I'm being monitored, but with the fact that most of my days are the same, so there is no point in repeating the same question and response everyday. This also has to do with the previously mentioned 'stating the obvious', I guess. On a side-note, if I did have something about my day I would want to say, I wouldn't know how to bring it up though.
In my eyes there is no excuse for mean behaviour, however it is possible that he doesn't realize that he was mean or has done or said something hurtful to you. I too do things which I don't realize are hurtful, even after over-thinking them way too many times, but when it is made clear to me they were, I apologize. For me apologizing is not done because I have done something I believe is wrong, but because my actions have caused trouble for someone else. For this reason I also tend to over-apologize a lot, however I think it saves trouble if I just do it.
Remembering comes easy to many persons with AS, I too can probably remember every negative thing my ex-girlfriend has said or done to me, because of that I always say: I can forgive, but I can't forget (and it will never be the same because of that). Even though this has some sort of negative touch to it, thats how it is. I can forgive someone for the things that occurred, but if my mind wanders off, or a situation alike to the previous one occurs, I will always take that into consideration.

 

[somebeach]

Thank you Aalo for responding. I have thought about the addiction in detail and found some alternatives. He is on one medication that I feel is not working properly. Lets just say I have a medical background because he is also on this site I would like to speak in generalities. He is on an SSRI. I have suggested an SSRI with wellbutrin that works with other neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine and of course the SSRI acts on serotonin.

I believe the alcohol helps him relax and get from the analytical and non emotional part of his brain to the creative and emotional side. The drinking would be fine if he knew when to stop at the point he reaches that place. He drinks very quickly and too much and it is not absorbed as well if he went slower and we could see the correct amount.

I realize he is trying to deal with the anxiety. Through research and advice he can use medication as well. It would have to be a downer like Valium or klonopin or something in that family.

I dont like the drinking for many reasons but the main was is he is mean and says mean things. Now to as's I realize some believe it is truth so it is ok but I have tried to explain to him that this is not the case. That each person has a different level of sensitivity and he needs to learn to tailor it to them. I realize he cannot be expected to know that with everyone but with a partner I think it is something he needs to learn.

I think I was drawn to him because I am a very strong,capable, woman and he does not like gender roles nor do I. He seemed strong to me but also a person who could be very sensitive so imagine my surprise when this Dr. Jekyl personality comes out while drinking. He will say he is sorry but the damage has already been done.

I dont want to be his babysitter and monitor him. He is a grown man. But I am also introducing the fact that he has to be more responsible if we were to be together. There are more things he will have to get done during the day if he is not able to work. Having been a single man for so long and being set in his ways this is going over like a lead balloon.

I have read many books on aspies and aspies and relationships and I agree everyone needs free time. But he has done everything alone for years. He does not think eating is a social event so he doesnt eat at the table. If I would like to spend time with him watching tv he brings the laptop. I guess my question is after not having a girlfriend for all these years and wanting one why does he still hold on the the very things he used when he did not have a girlfriend? I mean I am there or here in the flesh ready and willing to talk or do things. I just dont understand why he cannot grasp that he substituted those things for a partner and now he has one and has to substitute me. He feels like it is an all or nothing situation. I have explained to him that he can have both. But if I mention limiting anything he thinks I am controlling and freaks out. I asked him to let his guard down and let me in and realize I am not there to take anything away from him, I am there to add things.

As far as the drinking it cannot continue at this level because what if there was an emergency? He would be bombed out of his mind.

I appreciate you commenting on the selfishness. I do appear very accomplished and self confident but I need to be in my line of work. I think he sees no weakness therefore he doesnt ask me as you stated. But I have stated that something was bothering me, I was down, or something confused me and he doesnt say well tell me about it.

I have been trying to explain about women and what they need in general. He thinks we are the neediest people on earth who have to always be right. I have explained that just as he is an individual so am I. He is the one person I thought I would finally be safe to let my guard down with and be more open, softer, and heal some emotional wounds I have with. But every time I open up and express them he says well you are over sensitive. No not really. I have tried to explain what I need and why and it doesnt seem to be a good enough reason to him. So back to him we go. He hardly ever compromises. I recently asked him to do research on women so he would have a better understanding of how they think. He thinks it is a ridiculous request. But I am reading and learning about as's and him in particular so is it unfair to ask him to do the same?

I too think the relationship could be rewarding. I am not typical in many respects so it could work out wonderfully but he has to learn to pay attention to me and not take me for granted. I have tried to prove over and over that I am on his side and will fight with him and not against him. I build him up emotionally and with his self confidence. I just would like a little of the same but it seems like such a struggle for him. I care so much about him that I recently asked him if being with an aspie woman would be better for him. I just want him to be happy and I dont want to add to the stress. ty again for responding

 

[somebeach]

JB thank you for taking the time to respond. I am so glad that you said there needs to be time spent with me. I wouldnt think it would be a difficult trade but sometimes it can be ridiculous. I would never want him to have to do what you did and crawl out of bed. I would be glad to help him or find something else to do while he does them but I feel like his "girlfriend the computer" is everywhere with us. She is becoming a 3rd wheel. I understand about gaming and connecting with people but he has a person right here. He doesnt seem to get the connection yet. He has expressed the desire to do things. I have asked him about going to a gym because he likes working out, I mentioned going to starbucks to get coffee and take his computer, or getting something to eat at a place that has wi-fi. Just anything so he is getting out of the house. He is very intelligent and studied to have a career. He feels he cannot work. I have no problem with that but I asked him about volunteering or teaching in the field he studied. They also have work at home jobs on the computer that he could do but he doesnt seem interested.

JB if you had something happen to you during the day then you can say something as simple as "something unique happened to me today" or "guess what happened to me today" or "something odd happened to me today". The answer to all will be what? and that is what you are looking for and there you go. I know some as's are so afraid of rejection but nt's are just as awkward most of the time. If I was your partner I would be so thrilled that you wanted to tell me something I wouldnt care if you waved a flag. It is more than communication. It is one person trusting another person enough to bring up a subject and want to talk about it and knowing the other person will not make fun of anything you say. And also for the other person to show you they are about you by giving you their attention to listen to whatever it is.

Some aspies seem to not know what to talk about in public or mixed company. I think it is good to try things out at home first and see what is appropriate subjects or have a code if you are out in public and it is not an appropriate statement or comment. Everyone says the wrong things at the wrong times and nt's have been taught what to say and when. SO when it comes out and people say what? your partner should give you the sign that mean you say oh nothing or never mind and just move on.

I dont think as's give themselves enough credit. Some of the funniest and most interesting people I know are aspies.

As far as being mean he thinks what he is saying is fine. With me it is what he says but it can also be how someone says it. He just cannot grasp that he is hurting my feelings. I would think saying that hurts me and me being willing to explain how and why it hurts me would help. But he just discounts what I say and pretends I am being ridiculous. I would be so responsive to someone just acknowledging what I am saying and just accepting the fact it did hurt me. An apology would mean the world to me. It would be like handing me a million dollars. I dont think anyone can over apologize if they are truly sincere and are trying. I know I would be thrilled if it were my partner.

I understand what you are saying about not forgetting. But if you were to tell me what you said above I would feel sick to my stomach and it would break my heart. The sad part is that if you cannot let it go then you are not truly forgiving the act. If you carry it with you then it will continue to cause problems between the two of you. If you cant forget and they try to then the two of you are not on the same playing field. Nt's are taught to let things go and not keep score. If two people hold things against each other then the relationship will continue to deteriorate. If I knew that you held things against me and would never forget I dont know if I could continue in a relationship like that. Especially if you were to say or do something awful and wanted me to forgive and forget for you. I dont know how both of us would be able to move forward. People make mistakes. If nt's are not allowed to make mistakes then most would not be able to have a relationship because they would always worry if you would bring it up again or hold it against them. Knowing they had to watch everything they said and did would be too much pressure for someone. No one is perfect. I know it may be an aspie trait but if you were to want to be with an nt partner I think that is something you would need to tell them up front and let them decide if they can continue under those circumstances. I know I would want to know up front rather than when it is too late. Ty again for responding and helping me