NT with aspie bf witth anger rants

[kyliewyote]

Hi all...I'm revisiting this site for hopefully some advice.
I'm NT in a 10-yr relation. There have been ups and downs, but I'm patient.
In the past couple of years, he has had some frustrating situations (work, etc). This, I feel, has rolled onto me as "the dog to kick".
Things are generally good until he goes into aggressive loud rants about politics or other (not starting with our personal goings on).
He becomes very loud, he monologues, and becomes very angry if I don't agree with his viewpoint.
One night we were in bed talking, and he went into one, 6 inches from my ear for 20 minutes. I finally asked him to lower his volume since I was right there, and he told me to "put my ear in the pillow." I let it go, but 3 days later, I brought it up, and he said he had no memory of it.
Last night on the couch, another loud rant, and he was angry I had a different opinion and was very loud and derogatory. I asked him to please not be so loud, and he became furious and left.
I understand he is stressed, but he gets angry at me when I ask him to discuss topics vs loudly ramrod them down my throat. Then gets extremely angry when I ask him to tone things down
Any insight for what to do when he enters this 'altered' state?

 

[Masked Man]

Hi all...I'm revisiting this site for hopefully some advice.
I'm NT in a 10-yr relation. There have been ups and downs, but I'm patient.
In the past couple of years, he has had some frustrating situations (work, etc). This, I feel, has rolled onto me as "the dog to kick".
Things are generally good until he goes into aggressive loud rants about politics or other (not starting with our personal goings on).
He becomes very loud, he monologs, and becomes very angry if I don't agree with his viewpoint.
One night we were in bed talking, and he went into one, 6 inches from my ear for 20 minutes. I finally asked him to lower his volume since I was right there, and he told me to "put my ear in the f**ing pillow. I let it go, but 3 days later, I brought it up, and he said he had no memory of it.
Last night on the couch, another loud rant, and he was angry I had a different opinion and was very loud and derogatory. I asked him to please not be so loud, and he became furious and left.
I understand he is stressed, but he gets angry at me when I ask him to discuss topics vs loudly ramrod them down my throat. Then gets extremely angry when I ask him to tone things down
Any insight for what to do when he enters this 'altered' state?

Is he able to hold a job? If a police officer pulled him over and gave him instructions, would he be able to follow them?

If he is able to have a job and follow rules and decorum at work, then he can do it at home too. He's just not doing it because he has been allowed to get away with this.

I'd personally say to stop putting up with it. He's an adult - he needs to learn to control his own emotions and stop with the angry monologues.

 

[Tom]

Anger issues rarely go away in NTs or Autistics. If he isn't interested in addressing it immediately and full commitment I would depart I'm afraid.

 

[kyliewyote]

Thanks....yes, he is very high functioning, including generally socially. Plays all the "social rules" appropriately when he wants. Just doesn't like it when I disagree on a topic (which is usually external to our relations....ie, politics, etc)
He is self-employed and very good at what he does (as well as many other things in life....quite brilliant across the board)
It's just this "alter-ego" issue....

 

[kyliewyote]

Anger issues rarely go away in NTs or Autistics. If he isn't interested in addressing it immediately and full commitment I would depart I'm afraid.

Thank you.....
I can generally deal with it. Except for his follow up anger and blame he places on me when I address it

 

[Misty Avich]

Sometimes anxiety and stress can cause a person on the spectrum to get angry and react by excessive ranting, though I thought it was more of an ADHD thing. I can become hyper-verbal when stressed and overwhelmed with work stress, although I don't really take it out on my partner, but I do confide in him.

I used to do it to my mum more when I lived at home. I'd become overwhelmed and agitated and just verbally lash out at her. Sometimes I'd even wait until she arrived home from work so that I could push all my frustrations on to her. Yes, I'm not proud of it and I hate myself for it. No wonder she got cancer and died. It was my fault. And no, this doesn't mean the same will happen to the OP.

So I get the husband's point here but I also get the OP's point too. It's not nice for the person on the receiving end of someone else's frustration. I don't have any advice, I'm afraid. There was nothing my mum could do for my anger outbursts either. I have ADHD so I can get very overwhelmed by emotions and have difficulty with emotional regulation. And I couldn't help it. But I still wish I was more in control of my emotions. I went on Sertraline in the end, which did stop my rage outbursts. I still have my moments obviously but they don't make me a nightmare to live with. It's why I'm afraid to come off the Sertraline in case I start losing control again and verbally lashing out at my partner. I can't go back to being that nightmare devil again. I'm still beating myself up for what I did to my mum.

 

[Masked Man]

It's just this "alter-ego" issue....

I would argue this is who he really is behind the social mask.

I also would agree with Tom - I would not be able to handle someone's anger being directed at me (and then denying it!). I would have to leave. Life is too short to live with someone who does not protect your serenity.

 

[kyliewyote]

Sometimes anxiety and stress can cause a person on the spectrum to get angry and react by excessive ranting, though I thought it was more of an ADHD thing. I can become hyper-verbal when stressed and overwhelmed with work stress, although I don't really take it out on my partner, but I do confide in him.

I used to do it to my mum more when I lived at home. I'd become overwhelmed and agitated and just verbally lash out at her. Sometimes I'd even wait until she arrived home from work so that I could push all my frustrations on to her. Yes, I'm not proud of it and I hate myself for it. No wonder she got cancer and died. It was my fault. And no, this doesn't mean the same will happen to the OP.

So I get the husband's point here but I also get the OP's point too. It's not nice for the person on the receiving end of someone else's frustration. I don't have any advice, I'm afraid. There was nothing my mum could do for my anger outbursts either. I have ADHD so I can get very overwhelmed by emotions and have difficulty with emotional regulation. And I couldn't help it. But I still wish I was more in control of my emotions. I went on Sertraline in the end, which did stop my rage outbursts. I still have my moments obviously but they don't make me a nightmare to live with. It's why I'm afraid to come off the Sertraline in case I start losing control again and verbally lashing out at my partner. I can't go back to being that nightmare devil again. I'm still beating myself up for what I did to my mum.

Thank you for your input....and PLEASE don't blame your mum's cancer on yourself. That was fully out of your control/effect. I'm pleased you are doing all you can to do what you can...

 

[kyliewyote]

I would argue this is who he really is behind the social mask.

I also would agree with Tom - I would not be able to handle someone's anger being directed at me (and then denying it!). I would have to leave. Life is too short to live with someone who does not protect your serenity.

Ya, reality, huh?
I was previously in a marriage of an extremely abusive and narcissistic person....I stayed for my daughter until she said she wished she had a different daddy.
While the present is a far better person, I see the parallels of me being the underling. He's extremely supportive and caring with other areas of my life (all the work to sell my house, my mum's alzheimers, my dad dying after being hit by a car), but he is poor and defensive in communication when it comes to us. Either shut down or anger if it's between us personally

 

[Rocco]

Maybe when he is calm or in a good mood, you could broach the subject and explain the impact his volume and anger has on you. If you can find a way to peacefully share your side of the situation it might help him understand and adjust his behavior going forward. Ask (when both calm) if he can think of away you could let him know when be begins to get loud or angry.

It is not ok for him to be getting so loud and angry. Sometimes we, autistics, can unconsciously increase volume when getting worked up/ agitated/ angry. I personally struggle with my volume at times when I feel overwhelmed or angry. I recognize it is not an acceptable way to communicate, yet have always struggled with maintaining a conversational volume.

 

[Rodafina]

I would not stand for someone speaking to me unkindly or taking their anger out on me. Especially chronically. In your shoes, I would ask for change and if I did not see a commitment and clear progress, I would extricate myself from the situation. We cannot attach ourselves to others so strongly that we allow them to hurt us again and again.

 

[kyliewyote]

Thank you.....we were able to calmly converse a couple weeks ago (but that was also when he said he didn't remember the "ear in pillow" thing from a few days before).
I went through a bit of a dark phase a couple years ago (with losing my mum, dad, and brother, and house, plus more), and he was supportive.
Oddly I prefer me being in a tough time vs him being in a bad mind-state...

 

[kyliewyote]

I would not stand for someone speaking to me unkindly or taking their anger out on me. Especially chronically. In your shoes, I would ask for change and if I did not see a commitment and clear progress, I would extricate myself from the situation. We cannot attach ourselves to others so strongly that we allow them to hurt us again and again.

Agreed in the mind. Hard in the heart.
I'm hoping to find a breakthrough with him for him to be aware, or at least hit pause when I bring it up (vs lash out at me)
But your comments well-received....

 

[Masked Man]

Agreed in the mind. Hard in the heart.
I'm hoping to find a breakthrough with him for him to be aware, or at least hit pause when I bring it up (vs lash out at me)
But your comments well-received....

I would suggest recording him when he is doing it (if you are safe to do so, anyway). If he truly doesn't remember (which I doubt, BTW) you can show him later what he looks like when he is monologuing angrily in your direction.

Then consider seriously if this is what you want. Your daughter obviously recognized it with her father. And this makes it sound like you are comfortable being in this sort of unfortunate relationship pattern.

Something to think about - if this were your daughter that this was happening to - what would you tell her?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi all...I'm revisiting this site for hopefully some advice.
I'm NT in a 10-yr relation. There have been ups and downs, but I'm patient.
In the past couple of years, he has had some frustrating situations (work, etc). This, I feel, has rolled onto me as "the dog to kick".
Things are generally good until he goes into aggressive loud rants about politics or other (not starting with our personal goings on).
He becomes very loud, he monologues, and becomes very angry if I don't agree with his viewpoint.
One night we were in bed talking, and he went into one, 6 inches from my ear for 20 minutes. I finally asked him to lower his volume since I was right there, and he told me to "put my ear in the pillow." I let it go, but 3 days later, I brought it up, and he said he had no memory of it.
Last night on the couch, another loud rant, and he was angry I had a different opinion and was very loud and derogatory. I asked him to please not be so loud, and he became furious and left.
I understand he is stressed, but he gets angry at me when I ask him to discuss topics vs loudly ramrod them down my throat. Then gets extremely angry when I ask him to tone things down
Any insight for what to do when he enters this 'altered' state?

I know you may be looking for some emotional support here, but....

If you do a general literature search on how depression may manifest itself in autistic males, you might find something interesting. In summary, autistic individuals often process and express emotions differently due to challenges with emotional regulation, perhaps with alexithymia, and sensory overload. For autistic males, especially, with much higher testosterone levels, depression might not look like a tearful withdrawal, but rather could erupt as frustration, aggression, or anger, masking the underlying despair.

He is likely acting out due to his current situation, whatever that is, mental and physical health changes, stressors at work, added responsibilities, lack of sleep, any number of things. I am not sure you should interpret this as directed towards you, although it may seem that way, but rather his current state.

A combination of chronic stress and depression would be my plausible interpretation of this sort of behavior. Investigate and address this perspective and you might get some traction on relieving the behaviors.

 

[kyliewyote]

I would suggest recording him when he is doing it (if you are safe to do so, anyway). If he truly doesn't remember (which I doubt, BTW) you can show him later what he looks like when he is monologuing angrily in your direction.

Then consider seriously if this is what you want. Your daughter obviously recognized it with her father. And this makes it sound like you are comfortable being in this sort of unfortunate relationship pattern.

Something to think about - if this were your daughter that this was happening to - what would you tell her?

Good idea, and I should have done so. I've considered it before. We were both separately looking at points of the Ukraine issue, and I popped on a decible reader. I was around 25db and he was in the mid 70s (and he was 4 feet away.

I would suggest recording him when he is doing it (if you are safe to do so, anyway). If he truly doesn't remember (which I doubt, BTW) you can show him later what he looks like when he is monologuing angrily in your direction.

Then consider seriously if this is what you want. Your daughter obviously recognized it with her father. And this makes it sound like you are comfortable being in this sort of unfortunate relationship pattern.

Something to think about - if this were your daughter that this was happening to - what would you tell her?

Good advice, and I've thought about it before.
I can record, at least audio.
We were 'discussing' Ukraine, each separately looking at our phones. I did pop up a decible reader, and I was mid-20s while he was in the 70s 4 feet away (distance matters for pick up)
And yes, I've always been a giver and patient, to a fault. My daughter just started college away from here, but she's not impressed. She sees lack of equality and respect

 

[kyliewyote]

T

I know you may be looking for some emotional support here, but....

If you do a general literature search on how depression may manifest itself in autistic males, you might find something interesting. In summary, autistic individuals often process and express emotions differently due to challenges with emotional regulation, perhaps with alexithymia, and sensory overload. For autistic males, especially, with much higher testosterone levels, depression might not look like a tearful withdrawal, but rather could erupt as frustration, aggression, or anger, masking the underlying despair.

He is likely acting out due to his current situation, whatever that is, mental and physical health changes, stressors at work, added responsibilities, lack of sleep, any number of things. I am not sure you should interpret this as directed towards you, although it may seem that way, but rather his current state.

A combination of chronic stress and depression would be my plausible interpretation of this sort of behavior. Investigate and address this perspective and you might get some traction on relieving the behaviors.

Thank you....will do some research and reading on your suggested topics.
You're on point. He is not working where he wants right now (doing engineering and high level mechanical) when his real job and passion is working with big animals -- lions,tigers, snow leopards, bears,etc -- he misses his 'core'.
You chose the word 'dispair' well, and yes, I agree that manifests his anger I just am trying to figure how to break the pattern of lashing out at me (hence the "dog to kick" comparison in my first post)
Thank you for the insights...

 

[Misty Avich]

Politics is the worst thing to argue over. Does he have a special interest in politics? Because sometimes autistic people can go off on a monologue about their special interests and don't want to be wrong about it. Sometimes it's best just to agree to disagree when it comes to politics because it can cause people to flare up in a rage if their viewpoint is silenced. I know that feeling. I have viewpoints that I share with practically everyone I know offline but a lot of people online have opposite viewpoints which has resulted in me unexpectedly being called names like "bigot" by angry people from the opposite side of the political spectrum, just for stating an opinion in a non-aggressive way.

I've never been in political arguments offline though, so I'm not sure what advice I can give about that.

 

[Masked Man]

And yes, I've always been a giver and patient, to a fault. My daughter just started college away from here, but she's not impressed. She sees lack of equality and respect

Consider whether it is being "a giver and patient" or being "a doormat."

And please understand I really don't mean any disrespect.

One can be a giver and be patient and still have self-respect. It's not easy to be both, but one can show tolerance while also having healthy boundaries. People make mistakes - they are humans. However - One time is a mistake; two times is a choice; and three times is a habit. Your time on this earth is short. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

 

[Rodafina]

I just am trying to figure how to break the pattern of lashing out at m

Just remember that he is the one that will have to break the pattern of lashing out.

The pattern that you can break is tolerating/accepting behavior that is harmful to you.