NT woman recent break up with undiagnosed ASD BF

[LookingForHelp]

Hello everyone. So happy to find this forum I’m really hoping to get some incite. I was recently broken up with by my boyfriend of 1 year. Very unexpected and abrupt via the phone. Our relationship was wonderful. Two weeks prior to the break up he mentioned needing some space. In my mind I didn’t for the life of me understand how he needed space up until I’ve done quite a bit of learning of ASD. He has a confirmed diagnoses of “non verbal learning disorder” from
Childhood. He told me early on in the relationship and it never came up for discussion. I did of course do a little looking into it but never bothered to go into great lengths. He adored me. I fell in love with this man over the course of the year. We talked about the future, met each other’s family. I found what I was looking for. He never in his adult years had a real relationship but I’ve only had a couple and didn’t think much into it. He definitely does have many “aspergers characteristics” I’ve only recently learned of.

This past month has been nothing but me learning and learning and learning. I’ve learned the non verbal does overlap quite a bit with aspergers. I feel terrible I didn’t give him the space he so desperately needed, I simply didn’t understand at the time. He gave me irrational reasons for breaking up one including “the special feeling was no longer there”. I am scared he’s lost interest due to the “newness” of us naturally fading. This wasn’t the man that I knew just a couple weeks prior. I love him I don’t want to change him. I am willing to navigate through this. I know it’s a possible challenge. We are going to talk face to face this week and he seemed very open to it. I’m also talking with a therapist about all this and she seems to have good incite on autism as well.

I know it’s a good sign he does want to talk, I am looking for any advice. I do not want to seem like I’m criticizing him. I already did mention him being autistic and I do believe he may have an inclination to it because he didn’t hard disagree. I wanf nothing but for him to know I accept him for who he is and I will happily let him have more alone time. Discussion advice is greatly appreciated. We discussed to talk a week ago however he’s been busy with work and concerts (his high interested. Special interest?) and I don’t take offense to this. I understand his routines and interests and never want to take them away from him. I love him.

 

[Billthecat]

I'm not the right man to answer, for many reasons, but I will try.


Being in a relationship isn't easy, aspires hate changement or pressure, and take really long time to understand small things others think are obvious.

He could take long time to understand how he miss you, right now be his friend before being his girlfriend.

 

[Thinx]

It sounds good that he's open to discuss this, and also that you have researched his diagnosis and ASD. Bear in mind that whilst neurotypical people communicate instinctively we tend to lack the ability to do that, and tend to think things through over time, or feel we can't understand the situation and get confused or back off.

Many of us miss some elements of the relating and misunderstand or simply don't spot some of the other persons communication. This can take time and a patient, gentle approach to sort out. Plenty here are in relationships however.

Probably also think about whether you like to have space, as this would be the long term norm in a relationship for many of us, is that going to suit you?

 

[LookingForHelp]

It sounds good that he's open to discuss this, and also that you have researched his diagnosis and ASD. Bear in mind that whilst neurotypical people communicate instinctively we tend to lack the ability to do that, and tend to think things through over time, or feel we can't understand the situation and get confused or back off.

Many of us miss some elements of the relating and misunderstand or simply don't spot some of the other persons communication. This can take time and a patient, gentle approach to sort out. Plenty here are in relationships however.

Probably also think about whether you like to have space, as this would be the long term norm in a relationship for many of us, is that going to suit you?

I always told myself I wouldn’t let my next relationship “consume me” and take me away from friends and such. I am willing to do what it takes and I am willing to try. Space isn’t a bad thing. I couldn’t understand In the beginning because we really saw each other on weekends and one day during the week. But I understand, nearly every single weekend especially when those are our only days off. I get it. This is such an overwhelming hard to understand area for a NT. I don’t like how I’m finding a lot of negative online. I’m constantly learning and looking things up. I want to have the best understanding I can. Would it be too much to bring this up to him? I do believe like I said he has an inclining. I love him and I truly believe I am the only person in this world to really know him and I don’t think he’s had anyone closer to him than I have gotten. I feel “kicked to the curb” but I know it’s not intentional. And I’m thinking, we decided last Tuesday we would talk this Tuesday so in his mind - no reason to reach out we decided on Tuesday. Discussing this with friends is impossible because of how it can look. You just don’t know till you do the learning. I wish this was more of a known subject. Like I said I love him. I’m hoping I’m not setting myself up for more heartbreak. I can’t help but think it’s good he’s willing to talk.

 

[Aspychata]

Sounds like a great person you met. Time off is always excellent, and l actually learned this from a ND person myself. Actually l have learned alot from him. Good luck, but don't forget about yourself in any relationship.

 

[Judge]

I always told myself I wouldn’t let my next relationship “consume me” and take me away from friends and such. I am willing to do what it takes and I am willing to try. Space isn’t a bad thing. I couldn’t understand In the beginning because we really saw each other on weekends and one day during the week. But I understand, nearly every single weekend especially when those are our only days off. I get it. This is such an overwhelming hard to understand area for a NT. I don’t like how I’m finding a lot of negative online. I’m constantly learning and looking things up. I want to have the best understanding I can. Would it be too much to bring this up to him? I do believe like I said he has an inclining. I love him and I truly believe I am the only person in this world to really know him and I don’t think he’s had anyone closer to him than I have gotten. I feel “kicked to the curb” but I know it’s not intentional. And I’m thinking, we decided last Tuesday we would talk this Tuesday so in his mind - no reason to reach out we decided on Tuesday. Discussing this with friends is impossible because of how it can look. You just don’t know till you do the learning. I wish this was more of a known subject. Like I said I love him. I’m hoping I’m not setting myself up for more heartbreak. I can’t help but think it’s good he’s willing to talk.

Sounds hopeful. However you really have to ask yourself if you will continue feeling like having been "kicked to the curb". If you do, it could fester into you dumping him.

Your story is eerily familiar to me. Many years ago I was that guy, and she was the one who felt "kicked to the curb" and eventually kicked me to the curb. I just needed some space...and handled it poorly- and paid for it. Though at the time neither of us knew I was on the spectrum.

 

[GypsyMoth]

... I can’t help but think it’s good he’s willing to talk.

Um, this might be kind of obvious to a lot of folks here but I'm going to say it anyway. If he's been diagnosed, as you said earlier, with a "non-verbal learning disorder," and yet your desire is for him to talk, don't you think that your pressing for this sort of communication style is fundamentally opposed to how he naturally communicates? I'm not seeing the value-add in here for him.

if you and he do repair the relationship and continue on, you might consider suggesting that the both of you look into your own learning and communicating styles and working out ahead of time how to handle those times when he can't talk about things.

Keep in mind that it's not that he is choosing to be non-communicative. At those times, he can't be. There's a world of difference here.

My husband and I currently going through a rough time, so much so that we're seeking out counseling for it. At our first session, the therapist kept asking me how I felt. I felt a ton of things but I could articulate none of it. I knew that to do so would mean to condense what I felt into an acceptable length, and I could not do that given the framework of discussion given. So when he suggested 'sad', I simply nodded. I didn't feel sad. I just wanted an out because I felt like nothing I had to say would be listened to. Worse, when I become upset or distressed, I have an incredibly difficult time talking about my inner world. I was very upset being there. I was at the point where I could not talk about it.

Please keep in mind that thinking "it's good that he's willing to talk" isn't going to change him. This is who he is.

Please also consider that pursuing the relationship does commit you to something that doesn't come naturally to most people in the modern world: listening. If you're going to pursue a relationship with this man, I hope you're going to be a good listener. Your future relationship could very well depend on your skill in navigating parts of this relationship for the two of you. And that's a lot to hang on a person.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well and hope, should you two pursue this further, that you two can work something out to help you both navigate the problems in communication that will arise.

 

[Hypnalis]

@LookingForHelp

Objectively, based on observing similar requests here, I don't think your chances are good. OTOH, it's clearly worth making the attempt.

GypsyMoth's comments above apply to me as well, but I have something to add:

It's not just that "how do you feel?" doesn't mean the same to me as to an NT. Part of the issue is that I know that, but I also know it's almost impossible to explain it.
I've made some attempts in the far past (and later even ran some "experiments"), but I've never found an NT who could really understand. OTOH, in conversation, Aspies understand immediately.

BTW (and I wish I didn't have to say this, but "O tempora, o mores!" ... this isn't an "NT's bad, ND's good" claim
It's an objective description of a fairly common symptom of differences in "brain hardware" between NT's and ND's. We certainly have feelings, but the commonly understood meanings of the words for emotions and feelings do not work well for us.

I'm not sure you can apply this in your current situation. But perhaps you can use the basic fact to help you select your methods: your relationship was based on imperfect mutual understanding, and your BF knows this.

 

[LookingForHelp]

thank you guys so much for all the feedback. I’m incredibly nervous I’m setting myself up for more heartbreak but I can’t help but feel I need to see him. I think it’s important to do this. I don’t plan on giving him a lengthy speech. I just want to tell him I understand him better and perhaps bring up the fact he’s ND and I am NT. I just planned on telling him how much he means to me and I love him and don’t want to break up. Tell him I understand things better. I feel keeping it short is better? Not a “please don’t break up with me” but being direct in how I feel and how we can navigate this together. I just have no idea how to go about this but honesty is best policy right? I don’t expect him to talk very much although he said he wanted to. Do I tell him i think the non verbal came into play here and possibly that’s something we should discuss? I understand our brains are wired completely different. Do I just say it like that? For the sake of the relationship I’m really willing to do what it takes. I’m risking the heartbreak to reoccur when he very well possibly says he wants to be alone or doesn’t want to be with me. I just can’t understand for the life of me how I was everything to him just a month ago. We truly had a wonderful year and I wish I just knew to “back off” a bit. It’s such a hard to understand situation. And I know all ND are different. Just like all NT are different. Now that my emotions have settled I think it’s good to do this and just not end up crying in front of him. I know what im up against, I know it’s important to highlight to him I love him for him. I wouldn’t want to change him. I wish he became more “self aware” but I honestly say im the only one to ever be close to him. Both his parents have passed and I know his brother is also ND. I know to become “self aware” he has to do that on his own. In regards to the non verbal he did mention he’s been speaking to a friend of his about it. This friend is the only other “real” gf he’s had, which was in high school. He highlighted the fact she does work in mental health so I hope he was trying to tell me something there. I know he’s been busy with concerts that’s his passion. Does he miss me? Is he happy we’re seeing each other this week? It’s just a lot. A lot to take in despite this entire month be every single day trying to learn.

 

[Hypnalis]

@LookingForHelp

It's hard for me to figure out from your last post if you imagine you can "fix" your BF, or whether you're genuinely trying to recover the relationship.

It's quite common for people to enter a relationship thinking that they can influence the partner's personal development.
There's even a joke about it: "Husbands want their wives to remain the girl they married. Wives want their husbands to become the man of their dreams" (or something like that). OFC in general, neither will get what they want. In fact, either of them wanting those things is a serious "red flag" for future relationship instability.

I suggest you put side all thoughts of directing his future, or your common future, for the moment.

You have an essential tactical objective: recover your relationship. Focus only on that.

Treat him as an adult and an equal. Deal with who he is now.

As an example: this cannot possibly include telling him you've unilaterally diagnosed him with ASD.
A related discussion might conceivably come up much later, if you manage to recover the relationship - but right now, IMO that topic includes a serious downside risk.

Rather than my trying to explain, I suggest you re-read @GypsyMoth 's post above (maybe twice more). And perhaps ask questions about the parts you don't understand - I'm confident there are some.

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships with ND are so complicated. Please accept that we all wish you the best. It depends on both of you if there is a next step.

 

[paloftoon]

Here's an idea. Talk to him about giving him space for 2 weeks where he can do his own thing without you. Then, plan to be together again more naturally. If he doesn't like this idea of only getting a temporary break from time to time and feels this is too much pressure, unless you're okay dealing with this, he may have to be an unreliable platonic friend and not someone for you to continue to pursue a serious relationship with.

You seem like an extremely nice person and I'd hate you to get hurt over this person's potentially overly selfish quirks. It's okay to give him some space, but you deserve some time and energy that works for you too. Just like Asphychata said earlier, "don't forget about yourself too."

 

[Stuttermabolur]

1. I am a 23 year old NT female who recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years due to his undiagnosed Autism spectrum disorder (ASD). He was diagnosed about 6 months ago and we have been together since then. We were both really happy with our relationship until he started acting out recently. He would get angry at me for no reason and would start yelling at me. He would throw things around the house and would not listen to anything I said. He would also hit me and call me names. I tried talking to him about it and he just got mad at me. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he wouldn't let me go. He kept telling me how much he loved me and how he didn't want to lose me. I felt like I had no choice but to leave him. I don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm going crazy and I need help. Please help!
2. I've never experienced something like this before. My ex-boyfriend is autistic and I thought everything was fine. He's always been nice to me and we've been together for almost two years. But lately he's been getting worse. He gets angry at me for no apparent reason and starts screaming at me. He hits me and calls me names. He doesn't listen to me and won't talk to me anymore. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?
3. I'm a 23 year old girl who recently broke up with her boyfriend of three years. She was dating him for two years before they moved in together. She met him online and fell in love with him right away. He seemed perfect, but she soon realized that he had a lot of problems. He was constantly lying to her and cheating on her. When she confronted him about it, he became violent towards her. He punched her in the face and kicked her down stairs. He even threatened to kill himself if she left him. She ended up leaving him after that. Now she feels terrible because she still loves him and wants to try again. Should she give him another chance?
4. I'm a 22 year old guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome about six months ago and he's been acting weird ever since. He's become distant and withdrawn and he hardly talks to me anymore. He doesn't seem interested in sex either. He's been sleeping all day and barely eats. He's lost weight and looks sickly. He's also been smoking pot everyday and drinking alcohol. I think he's depressed and I'm worried about him. Should I stay with him?
5. I'm a 24 year old guy who recently ended a 4 year relationship with my girlfriend of 5 years. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last year and she's been taking

Is there mayhaps some context missing?

 

[LookingForHelp]

I can’t thank you all enough for your helpful input. I didn’t expect so much and I can’t tell you enough how I appreciate it.

The unexpected happened. We both still had each other’s keys post break up. I was suppose to see him to talk this evening however it happened this past Sunday instead. I received a very unexpected text of him accidentally locking himself out and needing my help. When I got there he was with his best friend who has been very fond of me and couldn’t of been happier to see him with someone better. He (I know not to take this personal even though it was very bluntly done) gave the key to his friend to keep on hand in case anything like this happened again. The three of us talked for about an hour till his friend left. We got to talking and I think I did a very god job of just being up front and honest telling him how much I loved him for him and didn’t want to break up. It was a very emotional night. To sum it up he said he’s doesn’t love but still has feelings and doesnt like to think of them. He also has feelings he can’t explain. He truly wants to be alone right now and I know he’s enjoying his passion, going to concerts. And when I say going to concerts I mean going to concerts. Every day (almost) and literal plans to drive out of state and by plane and out of country. He says he tries not to think of our memories and he was devasted for 1 week post breaking up with me. He said he misses me but tries not to think about it. He says he’s happier without me (I know not to overthink all this). The relationship plain and simple got overwhelming for him. He actually admitted to knowing he has asbergers and even discussed how his college professor was a huge mentor and helped him with this. He got emotional thinking about us and there was a period of time he put his hands over his eyes. Hrs very self aware more than I realized of his autism and knows it would be very unfair to me right now. My big thing right now is am I wrong to say even though he tells me he doesn’t love me, I truly know he does, in his own way. Does that make sense? He didn’t want me to leave and I didn’t want to leave. We ended up cuddling (on the new couch he bought because I picked it out). We did end up sleeping together and afterwards he felt incredibly guilty. He seemed to get very overstimulated and said I shouldn’t stay because it’s wrong of him to do this. He did mention several times through the night how “in time” he would reach out. He mentioned several comments about “1 month”. When I got home I texted him to ensure him I didn’t regret the evening at all and I am not mad at him. I told him as he knew the ball was in his court and he didn’t have to respond. He then texted with how he was glad I got home safe and he said thank you and he would need time and contact me in the future.


This is all summed up as best I can but there was much detailed discussion for hours this night. I’m so thankful we had this night and despite my grieving and sadness we are “on good terms” . He knows how much I love him for him, all of him and never want to change him. I believe the autism is more in his head so to speak and I hope he tries to become more self aware? Please note I am not trying to change him. He really seemed to appreciate how much effort ive put in to learning. I am so thankful I did because I truly understood some of his actions and comments and didn’t take them for what a NT would normally do so to speak. I love him. He really is the love of my life. To hear “he doesn’t love me” am I being blinded to say I think he actually does? He just doesn’t understand?

He said 1 month to reach out a few times. I thibk he would stand by his word on that. I know I can’t live day to day waiting. He wants me to do me for me and he’s been the best person to ever enter my life. He’s made a true impact. Truly the love of my life. In time I can’t help but think we are unfinished business. This is a “to be continued.”

Time will help. I can’t lose him. We have a special bond. I’ve never been closer to anyone and I know he’s never been closer to anyone.

I want him to be happy and do his thing right now. That’s true love.

I am so sad and grieving but so thankful for this. I know he’s coming back? I’m glad he’s doing what he loves. I believe he’s very up front and completely honest with me. I know there’s no other girls or anything. Trust with him has never been a problem. we had something special and I think we still do despite things? So hard to explain to anyone especially a NT friend. Right now I am getting therapy that I myself have needed and working on me. But every night and every free moment he’s on my mind.

 

[LookingForHelp]

Sounds hopeful. However you really have to ask yourself if you will continue feeling like having been "kicked to the curb". If you do, it could fester into you dumping him.

Your story is eerily familiar to me. Many years ago I was that guy, and she was the one who felt "kicked to the curb" and eventually kicked me to the curb. I just needed some space...and handled it poorly- and paid for it. Though at the time neither of us knew I was on the spectrum.

If you don’t mind me asking how long did it take you to understand and become more “self aware”?

 

[LookingForHelp]

Here's an idea. Talk to him about giving him space for 2 weeks where he can do his own thing without you. Then, plan to be together again more naturally. If he doesn't like this idea of only getting a temporary break from time to time and feels this is too much pressure, unless you're okay dealing with this, he may have to be an unreliable platonic friend and not someone for you to continue to pursue a serious relationship with.

You seem like an extremely nice person and I'd hate you to get hurt over this person's potentially overly selfish quirks. It's okay to give him some space, but you deserve some time and energy that works for you too. Just like Asphychata said earlier, "don't forget about yourself too."

Thank you. He’s too important to me. In time even if it’s as a friend I have to try. I’m hoping continued time away will help our relationship. As you’ll see in my other post he has mentioned reaching out. And thank you again. A lot

 

[paloftoon]

I can’t thank you all enough for your helpful input. I didn’t expect so much and I can’t tell you enough how I appreciate it.

.. . and I know he’s enjoying his passion, going to concerts. And when I say going to concerts I mean going to concerts. Every day (almost) and literal plans to drive out of state and by plane and out of country. . . .

Unless he works for a band or is in a band, going to concerts like every day that he can can be real expensive and time consuming. I mean, I've heard of people who do this, but generally, they are doing this with their significant other, their significant other is okay with it (rare), they are single, and/or they actually work for the band or some organization that promotes band(s) or something of that nature.

Is this going to concert thing expensive and if so, is he getting the money from working remotely and handling all that properly etc.?


What you're saying makes sense to me, but I fear that you and him might be co-dependent to each other in unhealthy ways. Are you able to talk to a therapist about this on your own (or maybe with him once you and him are together again)?
A friend once suggested I read this book and it somewhat helped me "get a grip" on the reality of how to deal with emotional situations I didn't entirely understand at first.
Maybe it could help you too if you're interested:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09PHG43QQ/
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

 

[LookingForHelp]

Unless he works for a band or is in a band, going to concerts like every day that he can can be real expensive and time consuming. I mean, I've heard of people who do this, but generally, they are doing this with their significant other, their significant other is okay with it (rare), they are single, and/or they actually work for the band or some organization that promotes band(s) or something of that nature.

Is this going to concert thing expensive and if so, is he getting the money from working remotely and handling all that properly etc.?


What you're saying makes sense to me, but I fear that you and him might be co-dependent to each other in unhealthy ways. Are you able to talk to a therapist about this on your own (or maybe with him once you and him are together again)?
A friend once suggested I read this book and it somewhat helped me "get a grip" on the reality of how to deal with emotional situations I didn't entirely understand at first.
Maybe it could help you too if you're interested:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09PHG43QQ/
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

I will check that out thank you!

I have read with asbergers when you are passionate about something, you are PASSIONATE. He lives a very simple life and is incredibly finance savvy. I don’t think this will play out very long especially with winter coming. He makes good money and has a lot coming in from his late mothers estate. He’s very incredibly financially savvy like I said. Between concerts and walking / hiking he’s completely fine doing that. He told me he just drove over the weekend a few states away and he’s content doing all this alone completely. He’ll see music acquaintances and thats a lot of his social life. Very minimal in a other than his one best friend. I know he’s happy doing that. I never gave the idea of getting in the way and I want him to be happy. He works full time and I could never do that after work as much as he does. I don’t know how he does it. He does have untreated adhd is it a matter of always needing to be on the go I don’t know. He’s never one to really wanna relax and take a day to watch tv. I feel like this will eventually “die down” to some degree. He spent a good portion of his adult life being the “man of the house” when his mother was ill. His brother had a serious alcoholic problem. So I think now he’s able to “live”. When we first started dating things were going on but still limited due to covid. This is me just talking. It’s a lot.

The therapist I’m seeing is brand new to me still so I’m working my way into this with her.

 

[velociraptor]

aspires hate changement or pressure, and take really long time to understand small things others think are obvious

Conversely, it's extremely frustrating to watch NTs struggling to grasp things that I was able to understand nearly instantly.