NT's Dating or Relationship Opinions Requested

[Keigan]

I would like to collect opinions on things that work and don't work in dating or relationship between NT's and Aspie/Asperian/Autie.

From an NT's perspective:
- What about your Dating or Relationship with an Aspie/Asperian/Autie did you find attractive?
- What about your Dating or Relationship with an Aspie/Asperian/Autie worked for interacting?
- What about your Dating or Relationship with an Aspie/Asperian/Autie didn't work?

Feel free to post in this thread, or send me a PM.

Thanks for your opinions, Keigan.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Hello Keigan,

Restless mind you say? My mind happens to be restless 24/7. In any case - I've never dated in my entire life. Ever. My father wants me to start though, he doesn't like watching me be lonely. I told my psychologist about it, and he recommended a book to help me prepare because whoever I go out with on my future first date will most likely be NT. The book, however, covers all stages - from asking her out on to the actual relationship.

Anyway, the book is called "What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships" by Maxine Aston. I've recommended it to someone on this forum who posted about being in a relationship with an NT partner and been reading it myself for preparation. It's a good read filled with opinions on what to do and not to do in an AS/NT relationship. I'm only about halfway through right now (I'm a slow reader and I can concentrate better if I only read at certain times and locations, but that's an OCD thing).

Let us know if it helps!

 

[Keigan]

They need to change the title on that book to "what men with asperger syndrome should know about women, dating and relationships". As an expectation that people will get her message, not always.

I say that due to a personal observation with most authors, they write about their observations from a far because they have never lived it themselves.

In this case, the author makes some good observations and provides some good examples but she is very lite on WHY and HOW. There is certainly a bias towards the AS individual being at fault, many of her suggestions are for the AS individual to be accommodating through behavior changes, often without similar accommodation by the NT individual. Things need to be balanced from a point of working together in a relationship and nurturing that which is in front of you.

Clearly the author is not AS, she has never lived through the experiences like I have.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Good observation, Keigan. Never thought of it from this perspective. Once I'm done reading this book I might actually go ahead and look for one written by an author on the spectrum. Does anyone on here know of one? Naturally the people who know Asperger's best are people with Asperger's. I'm also looking into a couple of books by Dale Carnegie about battling anxiety and making friends, but I haven't gotten as far with those just yet.

Even in relationships like with parents and coworkers I can be extremely difficult to get along with, and what I look for are people who would treat me in a civil manner regardless, and not discard me like a dirty diaper or run for the hills. I'd apply the same concept to a romantic relationship; I can't help but be difficult to get along with, but those who stick around are the winners. Then there are all those jerks who either give up on us or just assume we're something that we're not and use whatever excuses the sky offers. Try putting yourselves in our shoes for a change and picture how it feels to be given up on!

If I were in a romantic relationship I would just tell my partner that I have AS, give a brief explanation and offer her the chance to do some research on it, helping her out as much as I can. Once she becomes familiar with it, the real test will come around. If she sticks around because she loves me for who I am and knows that I love her too but just have trouble expressing it through no fault of my own, I will then have found The One. This is hypothetical, as I've never even been in love before. We would always be in this together, as a team. We'd learn together, and from each other. So many people fit into the other category, I'd hate to admit.

 

[Keigan]

@Tyrantus1212 ,

Agreed. Now that I know I am AS I would fully disclose up front as I was entering into a romantic relationship, the bottom line is that; how the person responds tells me all I need to know.

Relationship is a partnership of learning accepting and adjusting, starting from a point of "different" is actually a good thing. I feel that too often people start from a point of "perfect fantasy" and everything is down hill from there because instant gratification only goes so far. I believe we all respect and value something we have to build, assemble, construct - as now we are invested.

 

[SusanLR]

I've had three NT men that I enjoyed dating and doing things together with. I didn't know then I was Aspie so they didn't know either. None of them lasted and I don't think the reasons were due to any of my Aspie traits. The first guy I ever dated soon showed his control issue and I will not be told what to wear or say, etc. Don't have to be Aspie to not go for that, although I may be a bit more strong on the not being told bit than NTs.
The second one was just the plain old got involved with another girl, kept it a secret for as long as possible. End of that. The third lasted the longest and he was much older than me. We got along really well for a long time and being asexual was fine with him. But, again, he started dating someone else and kept it secret for almost two years before I found out. I can't stand that. Be honest that you want to date someone else and I could accept it better. She left him and we're still friends. Currently I am not dating anyone though and don't have any inclinations to want to.