obsessing over past relationships or social situations

[Sab]

Hi humans!

Is it a shared experience with some people here to feel «stuck in the past», especially
when it comes to past relationships or social interactions?

It's something I've been stuggling with a lot, it's like my brain gets stuck on trying
to understand EVERYTHING about a social situation but just never getting to the bottom
of it. I guess that shows up mostly when I'm struggling with my self-confidence.

I'm curious if some people here have had that shift in their lives and if you've
found tools to «let go» of past relationships and interactions?

I know that it happens to everybody to some extent but I really feel like I linger and
obssess more than some other people, and I notice it having a negative impact on my
self-esteem and mental health and my ability to be content and present.

Thanks in advance

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

Maybe you just need to accept u will have some repetitive thoughts and never really enjoy thinking about how they make you feel. They are part of your experiences to learn from, painful as it may be. The worst thing you can do is wait until you feel fine to move on. You're better off continuing to struggle through social situations and relationships like everyone else does. You will become more confident in your repeated attempts and even if things don't work out, at least you are trying.

 

[Bolletje]

I don’t have trouble letting go of past relationships, but I do have a habit of going over social interactions that I wish had played out another way.

 

[Ken S.]

It's been my experience you will have very few true life long friends. Most people are just acquaintances that are merely passing through. Frankly it never bothered me.

 

[Varzar]

It depends what the relationship was to begin with to me...

I agree with @Ken S. that most people are just acquaintances passing through.. I don't tend to concern myself much with them beyond what @Bolletje said, "going over social interactions that I wish had played out another way.".

If they are failed friendships or closer relationships, I tend to get stuck as you are describing. I need to know what when wrong, why, and how I can learn from that to prevent it from happening again.. Sometimes it's not possible to get that information from the rubble of the friendship, which I find extremely frustrating... As difficult as it is to move on, I eventually give up and get on with making new mistakes. lol

 

[Judge]

Yes, yes and yes. Not one of my better traits.

Too much focus on the past, especially involving that which I can never change. Leaving me to ruminate over them without any resolve. A difficult pattern for me to break.

 

[wight]

Yes, I've been thinking about past relationships a lot recently. It seems like none of them of gone very well.

The only thing that seems to help is examining my actions as objectively as possible and deciding whether or where/when I did something hurtful to the other person and then apologizing for it. Apologizing in my head, I should say, because I don't know where most of these women are now. (talking about relationships from 20-30 years ago).

 

[oregano]

Yeah, lately I've been ruminating about a few things in high school (class of 1993) where I did something really bad because I was crazy or just an obnoxious brat (as teens tend to be). One of the girls I tormented is now a powerful Silicon Valley executive, so I've been stewing over that cold dish of revenge for a while, even though she probably doesn't remember me at all, nor should she want to. I don't know why for the last year or so the same two situations have been looping in my head after having been forgotten for ages. It's extremely strange.

 

[Sab]

Maybe you just need to accept u will have some repetitive thoughts and never really enjoy thinking about how they make you feel. They are part of your experiences to learn from, painful as it may be. The worst thing you can do is wait until you feel fine to move on. You're better off continuing to struggle through social situations and relationships like everyone else does. You will become more confident in your repeated attempts and even if things don't work out, at least you are trying.

Thanks for your comment. I guess «acceptance» would indeed be helpful in this situation. I definetely don't like the way I feel when I ruminate but have a hard time accepting the difficult feelings. Instead I tend to get caught in the thoughts and that only makes the feelings stronger.

 

[Sab]

It's been my experience you will have very few true life long friends. Most people are just acquaintances that are merely passing through. Frankly it never bothered me.

Yeah, I think I have a hard time letting go of passing relationships. Thanks for the reminder. I don't like thinking about all the energy and time I am wasting ruminating when I could be doing things that are more nourishing to me.

 

[Sab]

It depends what the relationship was to begin with to me...

I agree with @Ken S. that most people are just acquaintances passing through.. I don't tend to concern myself much with them beyond what @Bolletje said, "going over social interactions that I wish had played out another way.".

If they are failed friendships or closer relationships, I tend to get stuck as you are describing. I need to know what when wrong, why, and how I can learn from that to prevent it from happening again.. Sometimes it's not possible to get that information from the rubble of the friendship, which I find extremely frustrating... As difficult as it is to move on, I eventually give up and get on with making new mistakes. lol

Haha yeah that's exactly it. I need to know what went wrong, why exactly, and learn so I don't make the same mistakes. I find it hard when I don't have that information. It's harder to find closure. But when I think about it, I do eventually move on - just takes me a while.

 

[Sab]

Yes, yes and yes. Not one of my better traits.

Too much focus on the past, especially involving that which I can never change. Leaving me to ruminate over them without any resolve. A difficult pattern for me to break.

Haha, yes it's not my favorite thing about myself either

 

[Sab]

Yeah, lately I've been ruminating about a few things in high school (class of 1993) where I did something really bad because I was crazy or just an obnoxious brat (as teens tend to be). One of the girls I tormented is now a powerful Silicon Valley executive, so I've been stewing over that cold dish of revenge for a while, even though she probably doesn't remember me at all, nor should she want to. I don't know why for the last year or so the same two situations have been looping in my head after having been forgotten for ages. It's extremely strange.

I guess sometimes things come back up because there is something to be learnt. Maybe a situation in the present reminds you of the past and there is a lesson to learn, to do things differently.

 

[Autistamatic]

There's nothing unhealthy about rehashing old conversations or ruminating on past mistakes. Quite the contrary. We are always learning new things about ourselves or others, and plugging that new data back into old equations (so to speak) helps us better understand our interactions in the future. It's very commonplace amongst autistic people to do this, and tales of sleepless nights doing exactly this are par for the course.
Of course it's important we remember not to beat ourselves up for past mistakes, or to try going back to right wrongs that are better left to lie, but learning from past mistakes is a lifelong process. To fail to do so is to presume oneself unaccountable for past errors or to simply not care. Neither of those is an attractive quality in a person.

 

[All-Rounder]

Courage is not the lack of fear. Confidence isn't the lack of doubt and feeling.

Commonly emotions arise from thoughts, thought patterns are like a learned defense, but one type which isnt actually helping you. Back when we were monkeys chased by a tiger it would help. Now there is no tiger. Repeat it to yourself.

The worse that could happen is you accidentally fart.

 

[Dragonsblood]

I had a freaky perfect memory before I discovered alcohol & drugs. (Now sober & only use kratom & occasionally pot or psychadelic herbs.) This is a blessing & a curse, as I often feel anger towards my family, for their abuse & cold disregard of my feelings. Also, being bullied at school & my shameful behaviour, whilst under the influence of alcohol or hard drugs.
I also feel like a failure because so few people like me & because in spite of my best efforts, I still talk too much. Afterwards I kick myself, thinking, "D, you know nobody gives a **** about what you have to say, shut up!" I also get annoyed when I see how most people who are popular are fakes. I don't even like most people, yet the loneliness won't go away.

 

[Sab]

There's nothing unhealthy about rehashing old conversations or ruminating on past mistakes. Quite the contrary. We are always learning new things about ourselves or others, and plugging that new data back into old equations (so to speak) helps us better understand our interactions in the future. It's very commonplace amongst autistic people to do this, and tales of sleepless nights doing exactly this are par for the course.
Of course it's important we remember not to beat ourselves up for past mistakes, or to try going back to right wrongs that are better left to lie, but learning from past mistakes is a lifelong process. To fail to do so is to presume oneself unaccountable for past errors or to simply not care. Neither of those is an attractive quality in a person.

Thanks for your wise comment! It felt very validating. I guess making sure I don't judge myself for ruminating in the first would help with the more difficult feelings that comes up during that process.

 

[Ken S.]

@Rexi At my age we (Janet and I) call it Fart roulette. It's similar to Russian roulette. I think you get the idea without me making it gross.

 

[SDRSpark]

This is totally me...I can obsess/ruminate for YEARS.

Lately (with the help of making emotional intelligence my newest obsession lol...whether that's healthy or not I don't know) I've been working on actually identifying my difficult emotions (always a struggle for me. Everything painful was either anger or anxiety - in fact I have several anxiety disorder diagnoses which I wonder if I would have if I hadn't lumped every difficult emotion under the umbrella of "anxiety" for decades.) and also working on getting comfortable with difficult emotions (because I honestly find myself being afraid to be reminded of/feel something painful which only exacerbates the situation.) That, and mindfulness practice (mindfulness lite...lol I'm not to the point yet where my monkey brain will tolerate sitting for 20 minute formal practice but that doesn't mean I can't be present in my day-to-day life.) seem to be helping me get 'unstuck'.

I still ruminate daily, but I am not getting sucked down into a spiral where there's nothing BUT rumination. I stay on the surface as it were.

 

[Judge]

Coming to grips with past mistakes is an important aspect of introspection. No question about that.

However once you have figured it out, it does become a problem when you cannot let go of it and continue to needlessly ruminate over something- or someone which might be totally understood in hindsight, yet cannot be resolved in any way in whole or in part.

Rumination over the same person or concerns should have a beginning, but it should also have an ending.