Obsessive thoughts and worrying being around my husband too much. Should I distance myself?

[Utini]

I dread going to work tonight. I have thoughts that I want to share but my partner has probably had enough of that. So anxious.

I have been trying to distance myself from my husband lately because I feel It's what he wants. I have a hard time figuring out what he wants from me or how he feels. He doesn't often feel comfortable talking about touchy subjects like feelings and worries.

I have been obsessing over the thought of having friends lately. I don't want them but I believe my husband wants me to have them. When I am sad he believes it is my lack of friends, he doesn't believe me when I say I don't want/need them. I feel that he is all that I really need but that may be too much for him. The only time I find myself wanting a friend is when I feel like nobody understands me or wants to listen.

I'm starting to distance myself from him. It's the only way to push me to get friends and get out of his way. He has to deal with seeing me all the time. This is such a ****** feeling. I'm not sure if I am overreacting, hard to tell although I have been obsessing over this for 3 days now.

 

[Bolletje]

Maybe instead of obsessing about what you assume your husband wants, ask him directly. Obsessing and assuming rarely lead to good things.

 

[Utini]

Maybe instead of obsessing about what you assume your husband wants, ask him directly. Obsessing and assuming rarely lead to good things.

I have. He gives indirect answers. Also has a hard time telling me if I do anything that upsets him with the fear that it will make me upset.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It can also be too stressfil to put everything on one person.

If he wants some free time start going out a bit by yourself.

I didn't think I needed friends,turns out I did.

My wife and I both benefitted.

 

[Utini]

I will try my best to find something so I can give him air. Problem is, I work night shifts. He comes home after an AM shift and usually gets a couple hours of alone time. I wake up 5 hours before work. We spend most of our time gaming, we are both big gamers. Our desks are in the same room. Maybe I should sleep later in the day. I could just do that, wake up an hour before work.

 

[Utini]

I also just joined a guild on Wow that I just started raiding with. I counted this as having friends and what not but seems it doesn't. I could move my desk but he would wonder what's up. He's sensitive but not open about what bothers him. I am left guessing and thinking of the worst at times.

 

[Fallenwolf]

From past relationships and from hearing other people's experiences, it may actually be a good idea for you to find friends to hang with, but for many reasons.

It gives you and your husband a break from each other. I understand you love him dearly and would rather spend most of your time with him, but there are times where people just need some down time to themselves, or time to hang with their own friends. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that it's typically something most/some people crave. Just a bit of time so that it actually gives them the ability to conversate and see what's going on in other people's lives and be able to share/discuss certain different topics with them.

This is good for both of you cause it also gives both of you time to actually miss each other, and yearn to be back with with one another after awhile. I know after my bf is gone for some time, I can't wait to spend some time with him the moment he comes home. But then there are times I feel there's a lot of interests and topics he doesn't care for so it's easier for me to just find others aka friends online or irl or forums who have similar interests to talk to. This helps me feel better as now I have a way to express myself without feeling I have to hold everything in just cause he doesn't feel like talking about the things I care about/find interest in (I'm NT and he's AS). It's kinda hard to get him to care about most of my interests as of course he's mostly only into his.

So with that, your husband might feel the same way, or wants you to both be able to have that option.

It's not exactly fully healthy for a relationship to always be in each others faces 24/7. There's normally a healthy balance of couple time, alone time, friend/family time, etc with most people (not all).

If you're not comfortable with irl face to face friends just yet, I suggest some internet/online friends? This way it feels a bit less stressful in that you can keep it thru mostly text if you want and not have a fear of having to be right there in front of someone, or feel pressured to go out a lot just to hang. You can do it from the comfort of your own home, while your husband goes and does his own thing. That's pretty much what I actually prefer. I don't care to hang with people too much face to face irl anymore and it's much easier for me (being an introvert kinda) just to talk to people online. So I suggest maybe start with that?

Other then that I suggest maybe getting a pet as a "friend" as they do make for good companions and you can spend a bit of time with them, playing with them, petting them, even talking to them even if you want. I know pets do a lot of good to help keep people destressed or from feeling lonely.

The last suggestion I have is maybe picking up a hobby or something you can do in your own space. This will give your mind something to focus on/express yourself with and also give your husband a bit of down time.

 

[Utini]

From past relationships and from hearing other people's experiences, it may actually be a good idea for you to find friends to hang with, but for many reasons.

It gives you and your husband a break from each other. I understand you love him dearly and would rather spend most of your time with him, but there are times where people just need some down time to themselves, or time to hang with their own friends. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that it's typically something most/some people crave. Just a bit of time so that it actually gives them the ability to conversate and see what's going on in other people's lives and be able to share/discuss certain different topics with them.

This is good for both of you cause it also gives both of you time to actually miss each other, and yearn to be back with with one another after awhile. I know after my bf is gone for some time, I can't wait to spend some time with him the moment he comes home. But then there are times I feel there's a lot of interests and topics he doesn't care for so it's easier for me to just find others aka friends online or irl or forums who have similar interests to talk to. This helps me feel better as now I have a way to express myself without feeling I have to hold everything in just cause he doesn't feel like talking about the things I care about/find interest in (I'm NT and he's AS). It's kinda hard to get him to care about most of my interests as of course he's mostly only into his.

So with that, your husband might feel the same way, or wants you to both be able to have that option.

It's not exactly fully healthy for a relationship to always be in each others faces 24/7. There's normally a healthy balance of couple time, alone time, friend/family time, etc with most people (not all).

If you're not comfortable with irl face to face friends just yet, I suggest some internet/online friends? This way it feels a bit less stressful in that you can keep it thru mostly text if you want and not have a fear of having to be right there in front of someone, or feel pressured to go out a lot just to hang. You can do it from the comfort of your own home, while your husband goes and does his own thing. That's pretty much what I actually prefer. I don't care to hang with people too much face to face irl anymore and it's much easier for me (being an introvert kinda) just to talk to people online. So I suggest maybe start with that?

Other then that I suggest maybe getting a pet as a "friend" as they do make for good companions and you can spend a bit of time with them, playing with them, petting them, even talking to them even if you want. I know pets do a lot of good to help keep people destressed or from feeling lonely.

The last suggestion I have is maybe picking up a hobby or something you can do in your own space. This will give your mind something to focus on/express yourself with and also give your husband a bit of down time.

I understand that we all need space. I do plan to have online friends but they will all be in this game that I am playing. Still leaving me at home. I sleep during the daytime too. I may just talk to my online friends when I get home and go to sleep at a time where it leaves my husband to have hours alone after work. It's all I can come up with. I have had plenty of friends in the past, I really don't like hanging out in person. I also hate driving.

 

[Fallenwolf]

I understand that we all need space. I do plan to have online friends but they will all be in this game that I am playing. Still leaving me at home. I sleep during the daytime too. I may just talk to my online friends when I get home and go to sleep at a time where it leaves my husband to have hours alone after work. It's all I can come up with. I have had plenty of friends in the past, I really don't like hanging out in person. I also hate driving.

Then yeah, it sounds like the best option for you is sticking to online friends for now or forums, etc. Something you don't have to worry about having to get up and go hang in person.

 

[Utini]

Plan so far is to sleep late and keep my complaints for friends and rarely ever my husband.

 

[OlLiE]

i recognise the husband role:
- i do not mind dealing with a problem, or opining a question, just talking about the emotions associated to a problem i find pointless and extremely tiring, if you don't want t fix it then i don't want to hear about it
- a particular problem = a particular problem box, so you identify the problem, take it off the problems shelf open the box, sort out the contents and solve the problem, put the emotional rubbish back into the box, throw the box away to never again be reopened, obsessing about something is basically continuously opening the box, having a look inside emotionally experience the problem without fixing it, putting it back on the problem shelf, picking it up again, having another look and feeling miserable without solving it, putting it back on the shelf.... this is stupid emotional sad masochism and really pisses me off when it happens, talking about emotions is just self indulgence and wallowing in self pity because one is unable or unwilling to deal with the problem at hand
- women often say that they want us to tell them when they are being too demanding of us with these kind of things, through years of experience men have learned that this is a disingenuous lie, a trap, as soon as you try to say anything, they will perk their ears to detect any perceived slight, then they will use it against u to make their problem your fault, the discussion moves way from their problem that they are responsible for but unwilling to solve, to a critique of how their partner is dealing with it and how unsupportive he is, so as a man just lying and saying you are fine and nodding is the path of least damage and effort, inevitably this pisses the woman because the guy is refusing to take on the emotional mess they have gotten themselves into
- by the way, i heave also learned through experience: 'people don't understand me' 'people don't want to listen' generally means: - the people saying they are being misunderstood don't understand that they are spewing pointless nonsense - people listening are tired of indulging their nonsense and won't just blindly accept it anymore and have come to conclusion that engaging with her is a waste of time, the answer is there, she is just not ready to accept it yet and 'nobody understands me' is the catch all excuse to not take responsibility for the fact that she doesn't want to face the truth of the solution
- the most annoying part is then when women start the 'i can tell that i was annoying you so i distanced myself' nonsense, we don't want you to distance yourself, we are happy to help if we can, we want the problem to be solved because we know if it is not it will keep one coming back, we don't want to have to deal with pointless emotional wallowing and self pity, and 'people don't understand me' nonsense - the only reason this whole 'distancing' line is used is to get your partner to come grovelling to come and help you because you are too proud to admit that you need the help, he sees you are unhappy and wants to solve it

you husband is there to help you, and i'm sure he will happily do so if he feels that he can be useful, but if he's like me and starts worrying that everything he says is going to be psychologically twisted and turned, analysed and interpreted, and that helping you is just going to make his life more difficult, the its understandable that he steers clear from it

your husband is not the problem, he's made it clear that if friends would help you, go ahead
do you want to have friends, yes or no, make the decision and stop involving your husband in these pointless mind games

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

women often say that they want us to tell them when they are being too demanding of us with these kind of things, through years of experience men have learned that this is a disingenuous lie, a trap, as soon as you try to say anything, they will perk their ears to detect any perceived slight, then they will use it against u to make their problem your fault, the discussion moves way from their problem that they are responsible for but unwilling to solve, to a critique of how their partner is dealing with it and how unsupportive he is, so as a man just lying and saying you are fine and nodding is the path of least damage and effort, inevitably this pisses the woman because the guy is refusing to take on the emotional mess they have gotten themselves int

Been on that page.

 

[Chance]

I also just joined a guild on Wow that I just started raiding with. I counted this as having friends and what not but seems it doesn't. I could move my desk but he would wonder what's up. He's sensitive but not open about what bothers him. I am left guessing and thinking of the worst at times.

"He's sensitive but not open about what bothers him."

I am so guilty of this... I don't say much in real life at all. Maybe that's why I let it all out on here and that has helped me in ways I can't even count.

I am very private in my real life. People say that I am a mystery, I am too quiet... I don't do small talk, or give details, or care to set around and gossip at any level...

Also (maybe like your husband) I just don't deal well when people get emotional. I don't know what to do when they do this... I don't know what to do when I do this!

So often I'm just a loner who feels alone no matter who is around. I do have some "friends" but no one close anymore. My cousin is my best friend but we live really far apart. He's in NW colorado, I'm in central Texas.
We still see each other pretty often.

I try to have friends, but they always want to do things or go places that I just can't deal with and the last thing I want to do is become a train wreck for them.

My most favorite things in life are Baseball and Drag Races, but my super sensitive hearing (hyperacusis) and my other sensory issues have about ended all that. Its like they have gotten worse instead of better in some ways... Now camping, long road trips mostly by myself, and hanging out in nature (mostly by myself) is what I do most.

So, I figure its best for me to just stay off in "Neverland" at least it's safe. I understand, and can deal with the real me in that place and state of mind. Weirdly enough I'm usually pretty happy with it.

I hope you find a friend if you want one... I chose a different path and my friends are mostly right here...
In my ASD world this is cool and has helped me in ways no face to face friend ever can because I will never say what I say here. I just can't bring myself to being that vulnerable anymore. : )

 

[wight]

re: having friends

I don't have any and don't want any. I have no desire or need to interact with people for purely social/emotional reasons.

I would suspect the "you need to have friends" suggestion is because of your complaints about people at work. I.e. "vent to someone else" ... based on what you've posted, it isn't that you are around your husband too much, you work different shifts, sleep at different times, etc. So I don't think that is part of it.

 

[Utini]

"He's sensitive but not open about what bothers him."

I am so guilty of this... I don't say much in real life at all. Maybe that's why I let it all out on here and that has helped me in ways I can't even count.

I am very private in my real life. People say that I am a mystery, I am too quiet... I don't do small talk, or give details, or care to set around and gossip at any level...

Also (maybe like your husband) I just don't deal well when people get emotional. I don't know what to do when they do this... I don't know what to do when I do this!

So often I'm just a loner who feels alone no matter who is around. I do have some "friends" but no one close anymore. My cousin is my best friend but we live really far apart. He's in NW colorado, I'm in central Texas.
We still see each other pretty often.

I try to have friends, but they always want to do things or go places that I just can't deal with and the last thing I want to do is become a train wreck for them.

My most favorite things in life are Baseball and Drag Races, but my super sensitive hearing (hyperacusis) and my other sensory issues have about ended all that. Its like they have gotten worse instead of better in some ways... Now camping, long road trips mostly by myself, and hanging out in nature (mostly by myself) is what I do most.

So, I figure its best for me to just stay off in "Neverland" at least it's safe. I understand, and can deal with the real me in that place and state of mind. Weirdly enough I'm usually pretty happy with it.

I hope you find a friend if you want one... I chose a different path and my friends are mostly right here...
In my ASD world this is cool and has helped me in ways no face to face friend ever can because I will never say what I say here. I just can't bring myself to being that vulnerable anymore. : )

I understand the not knowing what to do when somebody is emotional thing. I run into this a lot at work. I should know better. I have been very selfish feeling my husband is the only friend I need. I like it simple but it's not right to do that to him. Forum has helped me think quite a bit today and in a positive way which is usually hard for me. I'm glad you found this place as I am glad I have. You all really are helping and I thank you

 

[Crossbreed]

@Utini , I have been married to my [likely ADHD] wife for 34 years. The first 17 were fairly blissful until the onset of her depression.

Under the best conditions, we were each other's very best friends (as it should be) but neither of us had everything that the other needed from a friendship. There are some things that same-sex friends could bring to secondary friendships that we could not bring to each other. And even they, being human, still can't meet every need, so a small circle is even better.

I suspect that your husband is frustrated by those needs that he suspects a girlfriend might better speak to.

 

[Utini]

@Utini , I have been married to my [likely ADHD] wife for 34 years. The first 17 were fairly blissful until the onset of her depression.

Under the best conditions, we were each other's very best friends (as it should be) but neither of us had everything that the other needed from a friendship. There are some things that same-sex friends could bring to secondary friendships that we could not bring to each other. And even they, being human, still can't meet every need, so a small circle is even better.

I suspect that your husband is frustrated by those needs that he suspects a girlfriend might better speak to.

I never spoke of my husband needing friends. My husband has many friends that he talks to, including girls. He doesn't need a "girlfriend" instead of me, as you say. We talk a lot and have many similarities. It was just hard figuring out if he wanted me here less or not. It's not something that I feel he would be truthful about in fear that it would hurt me. It was just a worry of mine.

I talked to him today and it turns out he really does enjoy having me around. He was acting odd because I was. He thought he was doing something wrong so he got a little distant.

He actually thought that deep inside I wanted friends. I was giving confusing signals on this subject until today. I confused his support with me having friends thinking he really did want me to go out more.

Those that responded to my post after actually reading it helped me quite a bit. I needed other opinions for the right push and mindset. I found out I was the one in the wrong this whole time.

I feel like this is pretty much resolved.