OCD about Xenophobia

[Matthew Behnke]

I do not know if many autistic people have OCD like I do and ADHD but it is awfully bad especially around foreigners.

You see, because of my first relationship with someone from another country, I started following people on social media and picked up the language.

My ability in language is better now and I can recognize sentences on some occasions, and can speak words in two languages.

But I have a second relationship that I am currently in of that particular region of the World, I felt like bringing up my OCD on this forum but was too anxious.

I feel like my OCD I could deal with and it wouldn’t harm me until I noticed how much of a problem it was becoming recently.

You see, there is a dominant social media network in Eastern Europe called VK, there are people from Latvia, Estonia, and other countries that may use it but it’s rare, it’s mostly former CIS countries.

Something I fear very much about being a foreigner on the social network is xenophobia, I am not saying people there are xenophobic but I fear being xenophobic.

I like the girl I am with and think she is like a doll, but whether I am with foreigners other than her, I really care about how I am perceived by them and I feel like I am being mean and ignorant to not have experiences in that language.

One day I sent a friend request to someone I didn’t know too well on Instagram to VK, because my OCD would think it was xenophobic not to send it.

It wasn’t that big of a problem I thought since if I didn’t get my request accepted, it would still follow that user according to VK.

But then it started sending random wall posts I didn’t feel comfortable with seeing or cared about so I cancelled the request, and then my OCD got very frustrated.

I felt like sending it again but I feared I would be bothering that user by sending it again and I thought it was xenophobia to not read their posts.

I don’t hate the fact that VK uses a different language but just like in any other language I would at least want to be comfortable with the content.

Also if I don’t see the person’s profile and it’s private then I don’t see the point in following them unless they allowed me to have my friend request accepted.

I am not saying I hate their posts for being in another language but I just don’t want to see posts from someone who’s profile I can’t see.

I feel like if my OCD doesn’t stop it will try and harm my knowledge of the language and discourage me from learning it for my relationship.

Also knowing that things didn’t go too well when I messaged random people about serious issues and also got blocked, I would only suggest how to proceed with either just ignoring the profile or friend requesting them.

I currently have four friends and that is my only level of comfort and I am satisfied with their posts and see no wrong, if I follow people, I only know them well.

But it’s just xenophobia around people that I don’t know well that I fear.

I want to feel comfortable with my relationship and make sure my mental health is not interfering with it.

Also please do not send any responses if they are poor relationship advice or telling me to not be in a long-distance relationship, sure for my age, it’s hard, but I am more happier than I was without it and knowing it is a life goal and that I will be comforted in hard situations, I think it’s worth it.

I mean short-distance isn’t that bad but majority of the time they barely last and there is not much effort put into it for it to work, and I feel like your more motivated to do everything for your girl in a long-distance relationship.

I feel like a long-distance relationship puts a great work ethic in me and motivates me to strive for my future life rather than missing many opportunities that I didn’t think of when I was young.

The idea of sitting on a computer all day and doing nothing is not motivating for me, when I could be learning a language and having happiness along with love.

That is just my opinion, I think love in any form is okay but I thought about it more and I know that I socially can not strive alone and that there is no point in sitting home all day and not being happy.

Personally, that is how I feel about this relationship, and I like my way of life, I would not abandon it for anything else and see anything else little of value.

 

[Monachopia]

Hmm.. I think, maybe, you're putting a little too much emphasis on the fact that they are all from a different country... People are people, no matter what part of the world they are from... I live in the UK, but I am from Latvia and Russia, and from what I know of the people there, is that they are often curious of people from other countries. Latvians are welcoming, but a little shy. Russians are happy to have banter.

If you feel any small animosity, it's not going to be towards you as a "foreigner", it's mostly because people like to be private and maybe don't let people they don't know very well into their inner circle. Latvians, for example, are especially like this.

I think, the fact that you're showing interest and a willing to learn goes a long way, but don't expect everyone to be open to sharing everything about themselves the way people do in the West. Latvians/Estonians/Lithuanians etc. haven't had the best past with Russian occupations and the like, so they are naturally cautious.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying, your post was a little all over the place. Do you fear that you might be xenophobic? Or that others might be towards you?

 

[oregano]

I think he is afraid of inadvertently crossing a societal norm in a different culture that is not a norm in his native culture, and thus making the person(s) from that other culture angry at him. Most of us have a tendency to "misread" people in our native societies and make people angry at us when we didn't intend to be offensive. It's part of autism. It must be far worse when dealing with a foreign culture.

 

[Judge]

I think he is afraid of inadvertently crossing a societal norm in a different culture that is not a norm in his native culture, and thus making the person(s) from that other culture angry at him. Most of us have a tendency to "misread" people in our native societies and make people angry at us when we didn't intend to be offensive. It's part of autism. It must be far worse when dealing with a foreign culture.

Good point. The cultural divide can be a basic source for all kinds of misunderstandings. Then factor in the potential for autistic social gaffes, which can really compound it all.

At least the OP is concerned about xenophobia to begin with. Many people may not even give that a thought, regardless of neurological differences when dealing with different peoples and their respective cultures.

 

[Fino]

I read it as him obsessively fearing his every action will be construed as xenophobia.

Are you xenophobic? Sometimes something like that is caused by the fact that it's true and we're ashamed of it.

What will happen if people do think you are xenophobic? What's the worst that could happen?

 

[Peter Morrison]

Matthew, I don't think you are being xenophobic. You are being cautious so as not to come across as socially or culturally awkward. Befriending strangers is a personal choice. You are under no obligation to chat with people you don't know. On the Internet, safety is always a concern. I know VKontakte. It's Russia's version of Facebook. Same issues, same concerns.

I adore meeting foreigners and talking about anything. People will usually excuse you for not being well-versed in their language. It's normal, especially across borders in Europe. You must be acquainted with that already. Maybe that is part of your dilemma - asking yourself if you are diving into something that you might find too difficult to manage. I don't know.

If you are uncomfortable with these online contacts you should probably listen to your inner voice. On the other hand, making friends with people could be an enjoyable experience. If you get bored with each other, then that's OK too. Social media is about making friends and sharing stories. It's all your choice. Nobody is judging you.

 

[tlc]

I don't have anything against anyone of a different color, nationality, etc. But I have a hard enough time understanding people in my own culture, let alone people with foreign accents or vocabularies. Which makes me afraid that I'll say or do something wrong, and I also feel bad that I can't understand them most of the time no matter how hard I try. I don't like to keep asking them to repeat themselves.

 

[All-Rounder]

I feel the same as you do about long distance relationships and I haven't found anyone else of the same opinion.

Rules of online are the same for all civilizations from my experience.It's more about speech details and courtesy which differs. Feel no pressure to learn the language unless your gf expects you to, but not even. Boyfriend knows none of it although for fun we talked about certain words once or twice in 2+ years of dating.

Im worried for you, you appear to be stressing yourself sick over something that shouldn't matter if you and your gf have a language you can discuss in and she is enjoying everything you say. Sounds like a new thing, so before worrying about learning about her country worry about how to communicate and have fun with her.

But xenophobia is not really anxiety, its a negative feeling of repulsion towards others rather than wanting to fit in. I think you need to research means to make due with your fears, anxiety and ocd and start working on triggering thoughts. Counter them with logic, patience towards yourself and understanding that the foreigners are people and some will be nice, others not, and if you know how to treat these expectations, youll be prepared.

Do you really have to hang among people who dont speak a language you do? Why can't you just talk to her privately?

 

[Matthew Behnke]

I feel the same as you do about long distance relationships and I haven't found anyone else of the same opinion.

Rules of online are the same for all civilizations from my experience.It's more about speech details and courtesy which differs. Feel no pressure to learn the language unless your gf expects you to, but not even. Boyfriend knows none of it although for fun we talked about certain words once or twice in 2+ years of dating.

Im worried for you, you appear to be stressing yourself sick over something that shouldn't matter if you and your gf have a language you can discuss in and she is enjoying everything you say. Sounds like a new thing, so before worrying about learning about her country worry about how to communicate and have fun with her.

But xenophobia is not really anxiety, its a negative feeling of repulsion towards others rather than wanting to fit in. I think you need to research means to make due with your fears, anxiety and ocd and start working on triggering thoughts. Counter them with logic, patience towards yourself and understanding that the foreigners are people and some will be nice, others not, and if you know how to treat these expectations, youll be prepared.

Do you really have to hang among people who dont speak a language you do? Why can't you just talk to her privately?

You see, I am not bad at the language and I do communicate with her, she doesn't dislike English at all and I use both her language and mine, so no, she does not mind me using either, I know how to make sentences but careful to make mistakes if I make small conversations in her language, I clearly have seen what she can do and doesn't seem to mind it.