Offering emotional support

[Licorice]

Is this something you've learned with time?

I get mixed responses. Close friends think I'm a great listener, but I feel helpless to do anything for people I don't really know. I can't connect emotionally to most situations, so when that's what someone needs I'm at a loss because all I have are ideas and stories based off of the situation that I'm seeing. I suppose it helps that I'm not close to any particularly emotionally-driven people.

On another forum someone linked to this video, and it got me thinking about the way I approach these things. I have an acquaintance who's struggling with depression, and I worry I may just make it worse.

 

[wyverary]

I'm gonna pull a cliché and say "wisdom comes with age and experience." Sometimes listening is all you really can do. Emotional support doesn't necessarily have to involve much. You don't have to (nor should you) play the role of psychotherapist.

Allie Brosh wrote a great piece on her struggles with depression, part of which involves her experiences and responses to various forms of support. I don't know much about your friend, but this article jives almost perfectly with my own experiences with crippling depression. It may help you see what is going on in your friend's mind, and give you a few pointers.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1

 

[Ereth]

I love Allie Brosh so much. She has a new book out which collects many of her blog pieces. I want it.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think emotional calmness is better than getting emotionally worked up about what someone is feeling.
This is why I tell my best friend everything bad that's happened to me, but I don't tell my family.
If I tell my family, they will get all worked up, and upset, and emotional, and then I will be more upset and distraught because now I am upset and distraught at having to deal with their strong emotions.
But my best friend will just listen, in perfect calm, he will think about what I said, and give a piece of genuinely good advice.

 

[Soup]

I can offer support, sometimes, but it will not be very emotional. As for being a good listener, I can do that sometimes too. Here on AC posts can be read at whatever pace one requires & they can be reread. During a real time conversation, that cannot happen: no pause button & no replay either! So, you have to listen well & get it right the first time. You cannot be distracted by something else (m Achilles' heel) or appear bored or blank (guilty of that last one). Talkers seem to be able to both talk & observe the hearer's subtle reactions (or lack thereof) & every expression all at the same time. My brain would explode if I tried that!

I suck at face to face listening to venting people just looking to let off steam & who just want to be heard. I am very solution oriented. If I didn't want to solve a problem, why would I dump it onto someone else: so they, too, can feel miserable? I had to learn to contort my face into the appropriate grimaces that, apparently, are indicative of empathy (make like a Cocker Spaniel) but sometimes, when I'm making this strenuous face & nodding sagely, saying 'you poor dear...there-there, tut-tut' & other nonsense, I'm thinking about what I'm going to order from the local Chinese Take-out joint!

 

[Licorice]

I'm gonna pull a cliché and say "wisdom comes with age and experience." Sometimes listening is all you really can do. Emotional support doesn't necessarily have to involve much. You don't have to (nor should you) play the role of psychotherapist.

Allie Brosh wrote a great piece on her struggles with depression, part of which involves her experiences and responses to various forms of support. I don't know much about your friend, but this article jives almost perfectly with my own experiences with crippling depression. It may help you see what is going on in your friend's mind, and give you a few pointers.

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

I'm lucky to have friends who don't look to me as a therapist. I've been told I'd make a good therapist because I don't react emotionally to many commonly disturbing things due to how muted my emotions are, whether it's reading about suicide, rape, death, working with bloody meat or fresh fish, or confronting someone bigger than I am. The only stuff that's ever gotten to me are things like child abuse and terminally ill children. I'd probably be a terrible therapist because I wouldn't be able to guide someone through on an emotional level.

Hyperbole and a Half has one of my favorite pieces on depression, but it hasn't shed much light on my friend's situation. I do know that he's experiencing quite a bit of apathy and the loss of a coherent worldview in light of recent stressors, but that doesn't tell me much about what's to be done when the topic comes up. I try to offer something that would be comforting, but there's a sometimes too-thin line between comforting and patronizingly positive (which I myself hate to hear).

I can offer support, sometimes, but it will not be very emotional. As for being a good listener, I can do that sometimes too. Here on AC posts can be read at whatever pace one requires & they can be reread. During a real time conversation, that cannot happen: no pause button & no replay either! So, you have to listen well & get it right the first time. You cannot be distracted by something else (m Achilles' heel) or appear bored or blank (guilty of that last one). Talkers seem to be able to both talk & observe the hearer's subtle reactions (or lack thereof) & every expression all at the same time. My brain would explode if I tried that!

I suck at face to face listening to venting people just looking to let off steam & who just want to be heard. I am very solution oriented. If I didn't want to solve a problem, why would I dump it onto someone else: so they, too, can feel miserable? I had to learn to contort my face into the appropriate grimaces that, apparently, are indicative of empathy (make like a Cocker Spaniel) but sometimes, when I'm making this strenuous face & nodding sagely, saying 'you poor dear...there-there, tut-tut' & other nonsense, I'm thinking about what I'm going to order from the local Chinese Take-out joint!

I do the same thing... I just tell myself that my mind is usually all over the place, anyway, and it's not a reflection of how I feel about the person.

 

[Flinty]

I've thought about hanging my shingle: Flinty, Professional Listener. It's what I do.

And that's as supportive as I can get. I know better than to speak because that's when things turn insensitive.