Okay, so I've probably got AS...

[Mark_D]

...what are we supposed to do about it? The psychiatrist says there's no treatment. Do we just figure out how to not irritate our spouses? No one else has ever complained.

I took a test yesterday and the results said I have a 'strong tendency' towards Aspergers. It would explain some things, and it might be nice to talk to people who understand and don't get all bent out of shape and verbally abusive.

 

[oscar2012]

people should just accept you for who you are not what you have

 

[King_Oni]

There's no treatment for it, yet there's a fair share of people on medication or having therapy for AS related things, like social anxiety.

The thing with AS, it's different for everyone. So there's no universal treatment. The thing also is; AS isn't a psychological disorder, but a neurological one. Psychological disorders can often be regulated with meds. Neurological pretty much means the wiring is different for a big part. And meds have not been conclusive to fix wiring.

I don't know if it's just "our" task to not annoy our spouses. I think there's a two-way thing going on. Your spouse can meet you in the middle, and if you ask me, should. I don't wouldn't want my spouse to accomodate me and treat me by rolling out the red carpet, but it also doesn't mean that my spouse could tell me "well, you have this, but it's hard for me, so try to accomodate me more".

What I find interesting in your post is that you start of with "...what are we supposed to do about it?" as if it needs to be repaired. Such a statement leads me back to an article I read a while ago by Allen Frances (a professor in psychiatry) who pretty much stated that we should accept illnesses more (both the ones with illnesses as well as the people that deal with these people).

This article here paints a good picture what he's on about http://www.aspiescentral.com/autism...e-accepting-disorders-aren%92t-weird-all.html

 

[Mark_D]

I've been asking for acceptance for 20 years. Now that she is focusing on AS symptoms, she's pushing behavior modification. I'm okay with considering how my AS affects our relationship and working to improve behavior as much as I can. What I'm not okay with is having her blame everything that pisses her off on AS. I'm tired of being accused of gaslighting every time I recall situations differently than she does. Sometimes she IS wrong. Seems like whenever I disagree with her she says "Quit trying to convince me I'm the crazy one". She honestly believes I'm trying to make her believe that she is "crazy". I don't know why she is so focused on not being crazy. It borders on paranoia.

Some things I simply can't control. My reactions to certain things and situations are just what they are. Consideration and understanding are not too much to ask for, in my opinion. If she really believes I have ruined her life (yeah, she says that too) she should cut her losses and go, right?

Like Popeye says, "I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam". I'm okay with me, so let me be.

I'm really verbose sometimes

 

[King_Oni]

Reading from how your spouse is (and just based on this information above)... I'd probably boot her out really quick, lol. Someone who can't accept me for who I am and wants me to change, on top of also stating that because I have a disorder, I'm clearly crazy and the attitude that "crazy people can't be right"... I just couldn't deal with such a person on a daily basis... not even for an hour.. so surely not on a daily basis.

The more and more "behaviour modification" resonates with me, it makes me believe that some people clearly do not care how a person is and rather just want them to be the most ideal partner for themselves. Not accepting someone for who he is and pushing change to me sounds more egotistical than being an aspie and trying to deal with it the way it is. It also makes me think that apparently some people don't want to meet in the middle and it comes across as "you're crazy, get therapy to straighten you out because I don't want to deal with the way you are right now". Simply put, and you said this yourself; she can cut her losses and leave.

If she honestly believes you ruined her life... what does she want to achieve with saying this. If you ask me it sounds like imposing guilt and through imposing guilt talking you into therapy and change. But if you're happy the way you are, I don't even see why change is neccesary. Change because you want to yourself, not because others want you to.

And lastly, and I don't know if it's her exact words... but if so I'm mildly offended if in fact she thinks that people with AS (or bordering on AS traits) are crazy. Crazy is totally different deal... and I've seen those.

 

[Mark_D]

She said I was crazy way before she found out about AS. I was diagnosed with depressive disorder and anxiety disorder while I was in the AF. Since I saw a psychiatrist and got a diagnosis that confirms that I'm nuts in her mind. She sincerely believes she's 'normal', or NT as she calls it now. Far from it. You learn things when you're treated for mental illness.

Frankly, I believe AS contributed significantly to the symptoms that led to my diagnoses. The more I read on this forum, the more I recognize AS traits in myself based on others sharing their issues. My difficulties seem to be a lot less severe than many people on here, for which I am grateful.

I stayed with this woman for twenty years because I couldn't bear to think of my son, the youngest, being raised solely by her. Now he's out of the house and I want to get along with her, but it's not easy by any stretch. I have a lot to consider. She has Rheumatoid Arthritis and I would feel badly about leaving her to fend for herself, not to mention the high probability of having to pay a ton of alimony and maintain health insurance for her. Financial struggles are not something I want for an indeterminate number of years. It's a tough call that I would rather not make.

 

[King_Oni]

From my experience, the people that scream hardest that others are nuts, are most likely nuts themselves, lol. Has it ever crossed her mind that perhaps, you're both nuts? Or is that totally impossible (for her)?

You having a child together as well as perspectives of alimony don't look good, so I can understand why you're sticking together.

I know nothing about foreign laws (nor of marriage laws and regulations), but if you're that fed up with it, I'd really look into ways how to dodge that entire alimony thing. I doubt that whatever the cause of your breakup is, will always result in you having to support her. It wouldn't make sense... it would make more sense that if she would find it impossible to live and would want to part from you, it's her call and her own responsibility. But that's probably just my logic and not the law speaking, heh.

 

[Mark_D]

Who says the law has to make sense? Life's not fair, as they say.