Old Aspie, New Member

[UncomfortablyNumb]

Hi Fellowe Forum Folke,

Just found this forum, and I'm liking what I see.

67 year old retired male. Issues (among others) are major clinical depression, alexithymia, high-functioning Asperger's, and most likely schizoid personality disorder (with a lot of borderline tossed in as well.) MCD, HFA, and SPD were professionally diagnosed; alexithymia /borderline is my own diagnosis based on extensive reading and online testing.

Been in AA for the last 3 1/2 years, sober the whole time. Second go-round with the disease; first time I quit on my own for 30 years, second time I *couldn't* quit without help.

Just spiraled down into a massive episode of deep depression, as a romantic interest whom I met in AA has dropped off the radar, and is now living somewhere on the other side of the country now, won't respond to any attempts at communication.

Need to hear from people who struggle with the same kinds of issues I face on a daily basis: living behind masks, not feeling much of anything for anyone, and what I do feel is mostly sorrow and anger. Hoping to hear how others have learned to deal with it, as a cure is pretty much non-existent.

 

[unperson]

Did know a schizoid socially, the anhedonia thing is pretty hard I imagine. Welcome to the site.

 

[UncomfortablyNumb]

Thanks! What's hard is that a *good* day is one where I *don't* feel angry or hopeless over something. Negative emotions: check. Neutral emotions: check. Positive emotions:.... positive emotions?....... any positive emotions here?

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

 

[Alexej]

alexithymia /borderline is my own diagnosis

Firstly Welcome to the Forums.
Secondly Do hang around a bit and join in the conversations.

Lastly, I am familiar with alexithymia and with borderline personality disorder. You seem to be linking them - I have not come across that linkage before - please tell me more

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Sounds tough for you, it's difficult when a relationship ends. Especially if the other person cuts off from you. It's good that you are here, this is a friendly place. I hope you will find some interesting discussions and some strategies, and that you start to feel better.

 

[tree]

 

[SusanLR]

Hi and Welcome.
Great name...UncomfortlyNumb.

I relate to your intro.
Schizoid personality, major depression, HFA all diagnosed. Age 63.

I get what you mean about what we DO feel. It isn't anhedonia.
Negative and neutral, but, the good ones are missing.
Anger, sorrow, hopeless, yep.
"...a good day, ain't got no rain, a bad day is when I lie in bed and think about (change words),
how things are now."

I deal with it by just making myself get up and go through it all again, everyday.
Really stuck in circumstances I can't change right now and don't know if I ever can.

I come here at night, when all is quiet and the person I live with is asleep.
Only time things don't revolve around him. Glad you are here.

 

[The Pandector]

living behind masks, not feeling much of anything for anyone, and what I do feel is mostly sorrow and anger. Hoping to hear how others have learned to deal with it, as a cure is pretty much non-existent.

Glad you made it here UN. This community is a large part of how I deal with autism. Lived a whole life not knowing I'm autistic, so was very much alienated from everything because of my weirdness. Now I know just how normal I am... for an autist. That helps immensely in my case.

Another route to normality for me is to play with my grandchildren. The two I see most often--6 and 8 yo--are a respite from alienation. They know I'm weird and love it, so the social pressure just evaporates. Biggest weirdness is that I'm the only adult who pays them much mind. I can drop my exhausting façade and just let society happen. I have the heart of a child but all the authority of an adult, which is a real benefit to our little 'group.' (We drive the real adults crazy with our romping.) I suspect that this carefree participation in laughing and crying and caring is the closest I'll get in this life to what NTs experience in their socialization. How much more palatable a world full of young hearts. I'll take what I can get.

So I guess my suggestion for coping is to find a place where you can just be you, and soak up the sunshine.

 

[GadAbout]

Human relationships may be difficult for you, Uncomfortably. I have found pets to give back more love and entertainment than they require in terms of care or feeding. They are part of my coping.

 

[Booknerd515]

I've had depression ever since last year and mine is pretty bad so I understand that. I'm sorry to hear you've had problems with alcohol, that certainly can't be easy. I have multiple personalities myself that I lose time during which they are active but I haven't been diagnosed for them yet even though my psychologist and psychiatrist know about them. I feel like my face pretty much never reflects how I'm feeling and I have high-functioning autism so I get that.