Old partner

[Lena1234]

I have had a partner from Finland for 11 months.

After 4 months he told me he is asperger syndrome level 1. He had obsessive focus to gaming. He had only online friends to value on life who go voice com to play games with him. While I have very wide of in real life network of 12k+ acquitance people from work and everywhere. 10/10 extroverted.

When I told him cancel gaming schedules with online people , sometimes he has done it but unwillingly. Other times he didnt want to. He said my mates waiting on game , out of question bb.

Then eventually I broke up due to his online unreal voice com people. Because I live only offline surrounded with people while he lives online. Everytime his gaming partners asked something randomly or I was in bad mood, I told him to say no , he has been incredibly unhappy to say no. I started to believe he is not made for relationship slowly and broke up. Yesterday I asked to do something together friendly , he again told me he gave his online people time before I asked for it. He cant cancel it.

Most people told me he is demisexual too. And shouldnt get in any kind of relationship. In addition he has insecurity problems on relationship.

What are your opinions regarding this matter ?

 

[Raggamuffin]

Seems like you two were worlds apart. Whilst there will have been some attraction that initially had you two wanting to be in a relationship, it seems like fundamentally you were very different. Personally, I'm not sure something like that would ever truly work out in the long term. There will be plenty of extrovert people on the spectrum, but I think a lot are introvert, or only extrovert in certain circumstances, or around certain people. I've dated very sociable people in the past, and whilst I tried to be as outgoing and sociable as they were in the beginning, eventually I couldn't keep up with how draining it was, and pretending to be something I wasn't. Eventually we split up.

I too spend most of my free time gaming and most of my friends are online. I do socialise now and then in real life, but for a lot on the spectrum, socialising in the real world can be very draining. At the end of the day, a lot of people's stories I've read who are on the spectrum say they spent most of their life struggling to fit in. As such, socialising a lot can be very emotionally draining. I'm happy to socialise infrequently. If I do it too much, I will burn out and then will need to go weeks or months at a time without seeing anyone.

I don't wish to date for a long time after my last recent break up. But I found it's best to be open from the start. So I tell people I rarely ever go out. I have to make a point of this, because I know it's not considered normal to be happy to spend 10+ hours a day on a weekend sat in front of the computer. It would bore the people that I dated. They wanted to go out, socialise etc. I'd sometimes tag along, spend the whole time very quiet, or mute. Feeling overwhelming symptoms and discomfort by being in crowded places etc. Also I'm almost always the first person to go home. It's just too draining. If he spends all his time online, and chatting with friends and gaming etc. then it seems clear he's very introvert too.

Whilst it seems justifiable to ask him to game less, or make more time for you. This can be extremely difficult for some on the spectrum. We come across as very self-centred, because we often seem like we're living in our own little world. As such, relationships can cause problems because there has to be give and take.

When routine and hobbies/obsessions are such a big part of our existence. Being told not to do something can create anxiety, unease, frustration and anger. I think in some ways, especially emotionally, we can be quite immature. There are very real emotional regulation issues with many on the spectrum. There's also co-morbidities such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, addictive personalities, obsessive, compulsive thoughts, worries etc. A lot going on under the surface. Yet, we often can struggle to find our voice. Seemingly quiet, but with a mind and racing thoughts that simply will not slow down.

As for other people's opinions on his sexuality, or refraining from getting into a relationship. That's their opinions, he is free to do as he pleases. Advice from friends is often biased in your favour. I can safely say that most relationships I was in caused more harm than good.

Ed

 

[Lena1234]

Seems like you two were worlds apart. Whilst there will have been some attraction that initially had you two wanting to be in a relationship, it seems like fundamentally you were very different. Personally, I'm not sure something like that would ever truly work out in the long term. There will be plenty of extrovert people on the spectrum, but I think a lot are introvert, or only extrovert in certain circumstances, or around certain people. I've dated very sociable people in the past, and whilst I tried to be as outgoing and sociable as they were in the beginning, eventually I couldn't keep up with how draining it was, and pretending to be something I wasn't. Eventually we split up.

I too spend most of my free time gaming and most of my friends are online. I do socialise now and then in real life, but for a lot on the spectrum, socialising in the real world can be very draining. At the end of the day, a lot of people's stories I've read who are on the spectrum say they spent most of their life struggling to fit in. As such, socialising a lot can be very emotionally draining. I'm happy to socialise infrequently. If I do it too much, I will burn out and then will need to go weeks or months at a time without seeing anyone.

I don't wish to date for a long time after my last recent break up. But I found it's best to be open from the start. So I tell people I rarely ever go out. I have to make a point of this, because I know it's not considered normal to be happy to spend 10+ hours a day on a weekend sat in front of the computer. It would bore the people that I dated. They wanted to go out, socialise etc. I'd sometimes tag along, spend the whole time very quiet, or mute. Feeling overwhelming symptoms and discomfort by being in crowded places etc. Also I'm almost always the first person to go home. It's just too draining. If he spends all his time online, and chatting with friends and gaming etc. then it seems clear he's very introvert too.

Whilst it seems justifiable to ask him to game less, or make more time for you. This can be extremely difficult for some on the spectrum. We come across as very self-centred, because we often seem like we're living in our own little world. As such, relationships can cause problems because there has to be give and take.

When routine and hobbies/obsessions are such a big part of our existence. Being told not to do something can create anxiety, unease, frustration and anger. I think in some ways, especially emotionally, we can be quite immature. There are very real emotional regulation issues with many on the spectrum. There's also co-morbidities such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, addictive personalities, obsessive, compulsive thoughts, worries etc. A lot going on under the surface. Yet, we often can struggle to find our voice. Seemingly quiet, but with a mind and racing thoughts that simply will not slow down.

As for other people's opinions on his sexuality, or refraining from getting into a relationship. That's their opinions, he is free to do as he pleases. Advice from friends is often biased in your favour. I can safely say that most relationships I was in caused more harm than good.

Ed

Thank you for your time on respond.

I have experienced a lot of demisexual behaviours too.

On the one hand; while my acquitance told me , thats incredible who would play with arena partners when someone like you in relationship, On the other hand he didnt feel badly on time spend with them.

He also told me , he wanted me to play with him on online games but since I am extroverted I didnt value gaming like him. I have always played games for fun only and valued offline life. He valued competitive gaming.

Would you think its normal to care online people that much? He doesnt have anyone else to talk other than them. Its normal to have online friends of course. Because he was insecure throughout our relationship too. He told me, 'I knew we wouldnt last long , I dont deserve someone like you' etc continually.

My friends told me , 'he is insecure on this relationship , you need to love yourself first so you can show the same love to your partner. Its human nature , if you are unable to love your own self , you cant show the same love to your partner'

Another thing I noticed was , he had beef with his 1 or more family members. Do you think asperger syndrome people behaviour might effect family relationship as well?

 

[Raggamuffin]

When you feel like the person you are dating is better than you, that speaks volumes about inner feelings of self worth and unworthiness. I too have dated people I thought were "out of my league" and I spent the whole relationship worried they would leave me or cheat on me. That sort of vibe is very offputting to be around. People want to date someone who is happy in themself, and that often isn't the case when mental illness is involved.

Autism can put a lot of strain on relationships and families too. But, it's a spectrum, and so there are similarities as well as many differences. A very common factor is issues with emotional regulation, which can mean getting angry or upset very easily. Or frustrated over situations that seem quite small, but not to the person on the spectrum.

But there are many unique qualities to people on the spectrum, and when we are feeling good in ourselves, I find we draw other people in. There's something obviously unique and special about the spectrum. But there's a real light and darkness to the disorder. The good times can be incredible, vibrant and energetic. But the bad times can be prolonged, and really take it's toll on the person with Autism, as well as friends, family and partners etc.

Ed

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks @Raggamuffin

I too struggle with someone on the spectrum. His obsession is his lifetime work. I don't want to be his obsession, l wanted to be his love in life in a healthy way. And like gaming, working 24/7 isn't any different. Then throw in not comfortable in a lot of social situations and l am sunk.☹☹

But as you stated, the magic is there,and we defintely have it. And he is such a interesting complex person to be with. But our special interests do take us away from the ones that maybe be important to us.

The way you worded this made me understand him better and release my unhappiness that he can't move forward with me as much as he knows how good l have been for him, and how great he was for me. I like the OP, also suffer of being in limbo. And it can be upsetting when they just want to point out our flaws instead of acknowledging that they may never truly progress further. Like you said, we are some what emotionally immature.

It is hard to read what you wrote but you also gave the subject some dignity and comprehension by how you framed and put it in context those relationships with us.
Thank you.

 

[Gerontius]

OK, it's fine for demisexual and even asexual people to be in relationships. Let me make that perfectly clear.

Autistic folks often put people on pedestals too...We tend to be insecure about things involving a real connection to other people, so we end up idolizing them, and fear to get too involved lest our idols turn out to be human.

 

[Aspychata]

I think being human and having flaws makes us more interesting. The movies l love to watch or the ones with interesting characters. Perfect people are boring and too routine. They add no pizzazz to life. The interesting people do have passions and have overcame obstacles in their lifetime. They have taken risks despite the chance of failure.

 

[Lena1234]

My boyfriend after we broke up , he called it under " game addiction " although its happening due to his asperger syndrome.

I told him long time "asperger syndrome" I tried to work on him. Someone told me " if you want him with you lifetime you need to make him playing games." On the otherside the most of my friends told me " how old is he ? " when he cared online gaming.

The connection between his 3 voice com gaming friends unquestionable. if you attempt to say this week not to play with them , he gets aggressive mode.

Months ago he told me he will have an achievement then done with his character on game. It didnt pass long he and his online friends started grinding same achievement on another character. Grinds and plays were on going. Futhermore everytime you touch his gaming , he is talking to his online friends as she is limiting me.

What I recommended him today is unless you find same value woman until death none stop who will sit home and play games ; remain single and play with 3 people you have.

Because he told me long time ago he had issues with his mother and father regarding game too. And he is refusing to go family house when his brother gets there.

He has also problems to show love , emotions throughout the relationship. You dont feel like someone loves you at all.

First time I have experienced such issue.

Hence break up was right decision for both of us.

Do you confirm this is asperger syndrome happenings ?

 

[Gerontius]

No, people can be addicted to games and plain irresponsible.
This is not necessarily Asperger's syndrome. Some people are just hooked on their game system, to the detriment of their social life.

 

[Telepath John]

My deepest friendships are with those I know online. I am not involved in gaming. For me and my friends we are interested in what I describe as the greater reality. Some would define that as spirituality.

I find that I am not a good relationship fit for most people. I am very different in many ways. My understanding is that those of us with autistic inclinations think differently. Some members of this forum seem to fit that profile while others do not. This has to do with linear thought processing of events vs those who are not strictly linear with their observations and reasoning.

Relationship harmony is very important. You are wise to avoid relationships where harmony would be challenging. This has to do with things like thinking, how to manage resources like money, and basic beliefs about how life works. However some like to be miserable and pick relationships which lead to constant conflict. We are all intended to be happy with our life. We can be if we choose partners who have similar interests and ways of being to our self.

John

 

[Lena1234]

My deepest friendships are with those I know online. I am not involved in gaming. For me and my friends we are interested in what I describe as the greater reality. Some would define that as spirituality.

I find that I am not a good relationship fit for most people. I am very different in many ways. My understanding is that those of us with autistic inclinations think differently. Some members of this forum seem to fit that profile while others do not. This has to do with linear thought processing of events vs those who are not strictly linear with their observations and reasoning.

Relationship harmony is very important. You are wise to avoid relationships where harmony would be challenging. This has to do with things like thinking, how to manage resources like money, and basic beliefs about how life works. However some like to be miserable and pick relationships which lead to constant conflict. We are all intended to be happy with our life. We can be if we choose partners who have similar interests and ways of being to our self.

John

I have many online friends too but I dont value them as if the people I meet everyday. I have been talking to them for many years thats all.

His online friends are all he has. Its too hard to have online partner when you live offline as person outside.

I am 31 years old , I woke up today at 4 am. I had food etc then sent my work emails. At 6 am I went out for walking until 10 am. Then I got home , I had food again. I went outside all day until 45 minutes ago arrived home back.

I daily skate/run/ride bikes outside when there is nobody to meet.

The online and offline friend differency for me is ; online friends I can only talk while I meet with my offline acquitance whenever I want.

Also due to being extroverted and 12k acquitance to meet outside, bonds are not strong. But its what extrovert needs (no alone time), I just cant figure out how could online people replace offline friendships through voice coms while playing games.

He doesnt have anyone to meet out if he wants offline nearly. But online people are always there.

 

[unperson]

Not for you maybe? Find someone more social, but maybe keep him as a distant friend, you never know.

 

[Lena1234]

Not for you maybe? Find someone more social, but maybe keep him as a distant friend, you never know.

My current gf is home sitter person too. But she none stop types me and lets me know about what she is doing. We send photos each other. If she would like to join , I bring her with me too. If I have a question she breaks what she is doing and she is helping me instead.

She doesnt value friends , father , mother so she is relationship person. She shows love to me for hours everyday.

Previous bf was different , you wont break his gaming , if you tell take a break / dont play today / this week , he was creating issues. I told him summers I go Los Angeles family , because we have alt company there. He told me he will bring his laptop and play there too.

I hope you would notice how 2 introvert people different they are , new gf makes me happy and I dont feel sadly.